This Week the Trend....

So here I am. My New Year's Party is cancelled since non of my friends can make it or have decided not to contact me. Oh how sad, oh well it's a long an lonely road, if you don't like it then please don't take it.

What I discovered is that when you go on tour, only a few friends stay in contact with you. I guess this means if I ever get something done with my life I know who my real friends are. Plus this is just another chapter of my life. One book closes and another book opens.

Anyway, while finishing thee book Rumors of Another World by Philip Yancey yesterday I have come to a few conclusions. I suggest this book for anyone on the borderline of their faith. Also it's just a really good book, it makes you think about life beyond the front door. It doesn't shove Christianity in your face but explains what the author is going through as well as it gives a different view on life. I recommend it, 5 stars! Here is a section I really liked from the book.

Blaise Pascal, a scientist and mathematician who lived at the dawn of the Age of Enlightenment, sympathized with those who had trouble believing in an unseen world.......Pascal saw faith as a cosmic wager. He faced uncertainty either way. If he cast his lot with God and was proved wrong, he would forgo certain pleasures and selfish rewards in this life and then, at death, fade into nothingness. On the other hand, if he chose against God and was proved wrong, he would face an eternity of regret. After weighing the odds, Pascal decided it is better in every way to believe in something that isn't than to disbelieve in something that is. The best course of all is to believe in something that is - the ultimate wager of faith.

Packing the rat pack

Ah the joy of packing. It' s the most tideous job I have to do this week. With that said, I am once again having a hard time putting together my wardrobe into a few small pieces to take for the almost 5 months I will be gone.

My gums hurt! I have a wisdom tooth coming up and man it makes the area around it very sensitive. I don't think it's so bad but I understand why babies cry when they get their first tooth. My pain tolerance level has gone up however. After entering into stupid monthly pains during my teenage years, and also going through a bladder infection, as well as running into the wall several times I understand pain a little better. However I don't think I have maximized it all since I haven't had to push a 9 lbs mini human out of me yet.

With that said an done, my day has been a day filled with trip preparation. While some of my tour peeps are already living out of a suitcase, I have been living in the luscious place I call home. With my own library, video game system, sound system and closet filled of clothes, it's hard to remind myself that I have to minimize my packing to a few necessary items. That also means being resourceful.

So how is that? Well that means taking the time out of my schedule and burning all my cd's into mp3's so I can take my collection of music on tour. So this means that I managed to fit 147 songs on one cd in MP3 format. So that's just about 9 cd's per one mp3 disc. Needless to say, I won't be unhappy with my choice of music.

Of course that also has it's draw back. Anyway I wanted to take a video camera on tour. What really sucks is that all of the camera's out there are digital. I really am against digital format. What will they think of next? So needless to say now I won't be bringing a video camera on tour :P and another thing, I am leaving my good camera. I figure carrying my MP3 player is probably the most expensive thing I am going to worry about.

So I didn't get my electric guitar this Christmas. That's okay though cause I will come back and get it. One of the reasons is that I am finally going to be debt free. Yeah just took me like almost 3 years to pay it off. It wasn't as much as some of my friends but I have been delaying it.

When I get home, I am thinking about getting a job and then going back to school. I know it seems that I am getting older but truth is, you are never to old to follow your dreams. If you don't they will chase you till the day you die.

So I don't care how old I will be, I am going to keep chasing after these dreams.

So that was my day. I have to finish packing. Oh yeah in between packing, I have made a few cute shirts. :) So I have some of them to wear.

Peace.

Hate the World Today...but I love this life you have given

As much as it thrills me

I wanna get off this ride

For gravity holds me

yet grace calls me to your side

as much as I trust you

Though I know that hope will come with time

Injustice prevails

and truth lags behind

Looking for beauty

searching for sense in all the pain

a note of redemption

a break in the clouds to stop the rain

can you hear me calling?

Have you been listening to my cry?

Cause I can't carry on

if I don't find out why

I hate the world today

but I love this life you have given

I hate the world today

But I love you and I need you here

Though stuck in this moment

Everything good still comes from you

as much as I don't know

I'm trusting that you will carry me through

though thousands are falling

though comfort and peace are beyond reach

I'll offer my heart

I'll try to believe

It's pulling me to pieces

in a fight for my soul

these two worlds are waging war

The falling of humanity

and the truth that although

I can't see with my eyes

I'm still trying to believe.

I don't think I could have said it any better. This song explains a lot about how I am feeling about life, faith, and understanding. This song was done by Starfield and the song is called Hate the World today.

The Day after Christmas

To be honest I don't know where to start. There have been a lot of things that have been on my mind and well I just don't know where to start.

Christmas started out as a great Christmas. I did the evening service at our Church on Christmas eve and that turned out well. I actually felt that I wanted to be joyful in spirit. I wasn't depress and then something happened between now and then. Something though even though through the smiles of the seasons, I still had a cry on my heart. Why? Cause my sister Tracey at the time was spending Christmas away from us. I had to spend Christmas with my "extended family" and that what I was not looking forward to. All of a sudden my world wasn't making sense.

Maybe I just don't understand life or the inner works. As the FM Static song goes

you've been trying to get me open

caught out in the open

everyone is hoping you'd give anything to take this

everything that breaks this

everyone is faceless

give me something to believe In

quick or else im leaving

need a better reason

i know things get complicated

so miseducated

it's a wonder that made it situation a little speculation

what are we facing too much complications

looking for a name in a new generation

a new focus new destination

I don't wanna look I just wanna find can you give me something to believe in keep your religion, don't need your lies i'm just looking for one good reason feel like it's teenage hunting season but nothing out there sounds half decent who's out there? who's going to save us before we all fall through the cracks in the pavement

you've been trying to get me open caught out in the open everyone is hoping give me something to believe in quick or else im leaving need a better reason i know i'm never gonna fall in line so don't even bother wasting your timei'm a breed of a different kind stand back just to invade your mind situation under speculation what are we facing? too much complications looking for a name in a new generation a new focus new destination i don't wanna look i just wanna find can you give me something to believe in keep your religion, don't need your lies i'm just looking for one good reason feel like it's teenage hunting season but nothing out there sounds half decent who's out there? who's going to save us before we all fall through the cracks in the pavement and if you don't know what im talking about it's probably better cause im working out don't wanna spend my life time figur in out that i coulda just said one prayer

and if you know what i'm talking about then together were both working it outdon't wanna spend my life time figuring out i missed the point now it's over i missed the point now it's overi missed the point now it's over i missed the point now it's over i missed the point now it's over i missed the point now it's over

So I guess I was just here. Living as best as I can. I don't have the answers. I have some but I can't help you. I just don't understand life myself. I guess we are all vessels trying to find out what we are believing.

What made my Christmas was that it did snow. Finally after so many brown Christmas it finally snowed. My sister Tracey ended spending the morning with us cause her flight plan got messed up so she didn't go to Cuba.

My aunts and I had a fight about control and other family issues. I am still getting over that. I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not sure how I feel about my family from everyone there. I guess in a way I want to escape and start a new life away from them, from everyone and just have a fresh start. Although some how I know that wouldn't solve a thing. Maybe I just have to accept these cards and play them as they are dealt.

Maybe something is wrong with me. I feel like I don't have a place in this world. Even at my youth group I didn't feel welcomed. I felt out of place. Is there a place for me? Where do I belong on this planet?

How does one live in this world? As a Christian, as a person, as a young adult, as a human soul? How does one deal with the cards they have been dealt. I am not angry, I just want answers. I want to see change. How can one change the world but at the same time make peace with what I don't believe and the world does? why are we are here for? I hate this this world that we live in. I don't understand it!

Sometimes I wonder, if the past five years of my life have been the biggest illusion in my life. What if I am wrong about everything and that this is all we have to live for? I was so certain about my faith but I am not sure some days. What if I am right, then I am living for a purpose and that also tells me the other people that I care about I will never see them again. So how ironic is that?

I wonder if life is all that. I am trying to stay strong, but there are days I just cry. I wonder if I have hit rock bottom. If this life seems all that it is, then I rather not live here. I can't think like that though, I just have to hold on to what I know is truth. In a world of no absolute truths, I am searching for relevance in my own life. I am holding on to a faith that is on shaky ground, trying to believe in something which I am not sure if I am right, but it's all I have. If it's not truth, then my life spent on earth would have been worthless, but worthless to the point that at least I didn't live with out loving, caring for others, and living with a belief that has tried to make sense of a world that doesn't make sense at all.

So I hope you have had a better Christmas. Actually ironically it wasn't the worst Christmas yet!

The Night before Christmas

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

On the 12th day of Christmas...

Soon it will be Jesus Birthday and I am so excited. You know the feeling you get when it's your own birthday and you just can't wait? Well I am so excited about Christmas.

Happy Birthday Baby Jesus :)

No matter what happens, and I know a lot of things will go wrong because of circumstance, but one thing will go right. That is Christ will remain in my heart.

It's not about the gifts,

Or the tree, or the fact it's not there.

It's not about the aunts and uncles who will drink beer.

It's not about the sister who will not show up.

It's not about another eggnog cup.

It's about the fact that man is redeemed once more.

That we can once again lift our heads off the floor.

That a tiny baby came to stay.

To teach us about love, peace on this day.

It's about God's promise to all man kind,

That even a sinner will find,

The peace and forgiveness in every heart.

Merry Christmas to all,

and to all a new start.

Just the 11th day of Christmas

Ayia!!!
Just another day, yup just another day. I think I have become bored from the internet. While my mom sits and watches soaps, I look for other ways to entertain myself. I use to be into high tech pages. I use to spend my time on graphics and coding but ah I just don't find that amusing to me anymore.

I tried to find something interesting to read on msn, but that too has been really boring lately. I just want another adventure. What I should be doing is applying for schools once again so that I can return to the square box I was in. Yup it's been two years since I have been in school. I graduated from a two year program in Photojournalism but sadly that's gotten me no where. So what have I been doing for almost the past 3 years of my life? Well I have been acting and traveling and that's not to bad but some day I will have to face reality and pick a career which I can do for the better chunk of my life here on earth.

The funny thing is that I know exactly what I want to do. But the steps getting there is a bit of a challenge. I am not sure what steps to take. How does one learn to get from A to B if she doesn't know the keys to play in between?

When I was a lot younger for some reason I made more sense than I do now. I had a better head on back then. I knew the steps, the path, I was an adult stuck in a grade 7 kid's body. All I did was read, study the news, the market, I had no social life. I was your age confused nerd. Now that I am suppose to be grown up, I am resorting to what I missed out when I decided that kids stuff was dull and unimportant. I am less responsible now than I was at the age of 12. Ten years later life hits me and wham! Time reversal.

I almost think that I have lost all of my sanity some days. I remember when I was younger, things were also simpler. Try telling a 12 year old that life is not what you expected. People change, things change, life goes on. You aren't going to get what you planned. There are set backs, deadlines, and crisis. What am I saying, I can't go to the past and tell my 12 year old self to be a kid or the consequences is that ten years later you will unconsciously trying to make up for lost time.

There I think that sums up my mood for today. Bored and out of my mind!

This is me giving you a peace sign :) Well actually trying out this picture thingy. 

On the 10th day of Christmas...

Yes, it's finally here. What did I do today? Well I have been sleepy the past few weeks, just cause I am recovering from whatever cold I have come down with.

Any hoo, the whole day was spent doing odds and ends of stuff. I was suppose to be remembering my lines but for some reason, I can't. Maybe because I pictured a better actor to be in this play and not myself. It's weird experience to act in something you write.

So I was looking at the stuff that is slowly filling my suitcase for next tour. I just realize I need a pencil case. I have a lot of stuff in it already but I don't have my clothes in there yet. It's like I want to bring my whole room but one small suitcase will not fill it up.

The joy of traveling. Though I must say it has brought some discipline in the area's of down sizing stuff. Each tour, I come home and give my room the toss out routine. I have managed to get rid of a lot of stuff each year. It feels great as well. I just hope I don't collect as much while I am on tour. I think I have become a toss out junkie, since when I came home this past tour, I tossed out a lot of stuff in the process of cleaning the house for Christmas. Ah what a relief. The sad part of it all is this, when I return home, I know the house will be cluttered once again.

*Sigh* all that work for only a few moments of happiness...oh well. Well I best be getting on with my memorization. Such a tedious task. That's my life though, full of tedious task at least it seems like that some days.

Write to ya soon,
The Diaries of Miss Mae.

The 9th day of Christmas...

Wow, I can't believe it's the 9th day of Christmas and well the weather is not looking like a white Christmas. Inside the home it looks like Christmas.

So I got a call about going on tour again. Looking forward to it. Actually looking forward to all the events that are happening this week. My blood pressure was really good as I checked it last night. I thought with all the stress that's going on, I would have a heart attack by now, but I guess God has other plans.

Just some random thoughts I guess. They still need two guys for the tour this January. I am continuing to pray for that. It's funny how it seems that I just keep praying but I can't see the results here on earth. I am so impatience. God will bring what they need. I just have to continuing to trust Him.

It's just like yesterday. I was talking to God about my family. Stayed up well past 2:30 am just trying to figure out a way to tell them about Jesus, one that I haven't used before. After 5 years of trusting Him and praying that God will save my family, I still haven't seen my cousins, or Aunts, or Uncle's turning to Jesus. I don't understand and I cried out to God to save them. I know that I have to keep trusting Him though but some days it's harder to keep believing that they will be saved.

The only time they mention His name is when they use it as a swear, or tell me not to talk about Him. I get so discouraged at this because I don't want to see them go to hell. They are a broken bunch, lost in this world...when will they be set free?

I see the disconnection, the whole falsness of the situation. They are like the two faced card, neither one is telling the truth.

One thing that really made me upset was that my own sister, (the only one that doesn't know Jesus) didn't even tell us that she won't be here for Christmas and we had to hear that she is going to Cuba from our Aunt who is also the family doctor. It wouldn't be so much that she didn't tell us, but the reason for it was she is hiding something, since she has been having relationship troubles with her boyfriend of 10 years and they were suppose to get married but alas things after that became a gaint soap opera.

The one thing I know is that Jesus bonds families together. I know this because I am really close to my other two sisters and my mom. The holy spirit is the connection between us. I wish the best for my extended family and my sister Tracey. It rips me apart from the inside out to see that I am completly helpless to do anything to help them out. I don't know if this what God is allowing in their lives to bring them closer to Him, if it is then I will pray that He continues. Part of me is fighting because I want to be able to do something to help them. Another part is telling me that all I can do is love them and allow Christ to use that to break the chains that are keeping them from freedom.

I don't blame my family for it's not that I battle them in flesh, but I blame Satan for doing this to them. They are still prisoners and one day I want to see them free. If one of my cousins or Aunts, or Uncles, accepts Jesus as their personal savior this year, that would be the best gift, the best news.

On the 8th day of Christmas...

I had Milk and cereal for breakfast. Yup I did say MILK...why would Milk be an important factor, well cause I can't have milk or milk products. :) So I actually took the chalk tasting pills and decided I wanted Milk.

It was good. It was very good. It was the best. Well not really, I could have had left over pizza from yesterday but I was forbidden. My mom wanted me to save it for my sisters. Ah that's what you get for living in a large family. You get to share your food, even if it's one of your favorite foods.

So I got done the family room yesterday. It looks great, and now all that is left is the dining room which I am not sure I will get to since my sister and I are in the room, so it will be hard to clean while she is in it. It's not too bad though.

I think the one thing that has already made this a good day was that it rained slightly today. Not that it poured but rained lightly, and the sun was out. So what did I see, but a rainbow. It felt special since 1. It's the middle of December, and I am living in cold Canada inland, not near the coast. 2. It never rains often, if it does, it quickly turns into snow. So to see a rainbow in the middle of December well that's the kicker.

My sister thought I was going crazy when I told her that it was raining. She thought it was even stranger to find out that there was a rainbow and that I was not going crazy.

Ah the circle of life! I think the rainbow was a good morning present from God. It's hard to believe that Christmas is just around the corner. Every part of me is getting excited. I love Christmas. Usually I have a lot of difficulty this time of year (stress, seasonal blues, etc.) but this year it seems that life is getting better. God is with me and that cheers me up. To have a rainbow in the sky is one of life's miracles that we seem to pass. It's a love letter from God, to His Beloved.

How wonderful is that.

Did a quiz:

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful.In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

What my Christmas movie would be like

Your Christmas is Most Like: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Each year, you really get into the spirit of Christmas. Which is much more important to you than nifty presents.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

On the 7th day of Christmas...

It's a wonderful day to wake up from a good nights rest. Plenty of sleep! After feeling really bad about yesterday, it was good to wake up to a brand new day. After all we can always start fresh when the day is a new.

I was feeling kind of blue yesterday, and to top it all off I felt sick by the end of the day. I have just been feeling overwhelmed and tired these past few weeks. That's okay though, the Christmas season is full of stress. Though it's been a less stressful year than in the past years.

So I only have 2 more rooms to clean before I can say "bring on the wonderful festivities". Since our family is hosting Christmas dinner this year, we have to go and make the place clean and welcoming. I finished the den, the bathroom, and the coat closet. It was big task but now it looks great. Plus the room looks great because of all the decorations :) . Today it's the family room where most of our guest will be spending time, so I have to make it look great. I also have to clean the dining room, which is more a recreational room, I know most people will spend time there too.

On top of that I have to organize and print off today the events for Christmas dinner, and the entertainment. I will also have to remember the lines to the play I wrote. It's funny, I don't remember the lines even though I wrote it. Simply said, there is too much to remember in a day.

I haven't had much time to practice my guitar....which is not good since I will be performing on Christmas day. YIKE'S!!! Yup well humm I can't say I am wonder woman.

Anyway I am glad to take on these projects, it releases some of the stress from my mom. She burnt herself again. She was cleaning the stove top and her hand touched the hot wok.

She is trying so hard to make this year a really great year since it's the first Christmas that she is not working during the season. Ever since her store closed down in the spring, mom has been some what plagued with guilt from not being there to spoil us. I don't mind it much since I liked my independence. I just don't want her to feel bad.

I know that putting up the decorations is making her happy. It reminds her of her dad who past away when I was in grade 9. I think this year is going to be hard for my mom since she misses her parents since they are both gone now. I am going to do my best to cheer her up.

It seems that I have been doing that a lot lately. Just cheering up all my family around me. Some days I wish I had someone to cheer me up but I have to be the strong one. I pray to God that He is there for me. I know that He is my rock and salvation even when I can't feel His presence.

Anyway I have to get started on the rooms.

Miss Mae has left the building.

I think it's the 6th day of Christmas...

Yet another day! Oh why can't it just pass me by so I can get this day over with. Why can't I just fast forward to the days of my life to see the good parts and pass over the meek, the blah and the ugly parts???

Life! It's a weird thing we got going on here. Nobody really knows why, but we do it. The complete questioning of our existence. Everybody wants something from you. You yourself seek answers from somebody and yet you are never really satisfied with the answers they give you.

Coming back into my life after tour, I wonder where my friends are. The truth is I am not sure if they liked me for my money/parties, what I could do for them, some days or if they sincerely cared for me. Where are they now? Not really sure cause I haven't heard from anyone of them these past few days. I am thinking that they are truly gone. Left the planet for something better.

Oh well who needs them when your life is filled with a life on the one man island...some how I beg to differ. Maybe it's because I am in one of my many moods today. Perhaps it's my time to be grumpy or maybe I am just sad since Christmas is coming up and I feel forgotten, lost in the crowd, a plane nobody.

Who knows why this 6th day of Christmas is making me feel this way. If you saw me on the street and asked me how I was doing, I would simply reply "I am doing good" or "I feel fine" but to be blunt, I feel that I wish people would send me mail, Christmas cards, anything to say that "Hey I have been thinking of you lately" but sadly the only people that have been thinking about me lately is my credit card company, and we all know what I think about that!

Ah it feels great to vent into a computer. For one thing, computers never talk back and they don't give you advice that you don't want to hear. Secondly, I can stare at the screen for hours and feel that yes actually I do feel better after having this conversation with the machine. My paper journal didn't do that as much for it pointed out that I had some words wrong and that my hand writing was indeed messy. At least we have spell correct on the computer and typing so the words are always readable.

Well thank you computer for letting me vent for a while. I shall get back to my cleaning and then hit the malls to buy some odds and ends.

As I always say "Some days you are the pigeon and other days you are the statue"!

On the Fifth day of Christmas

Waking up today was interesting. I kept hitting the snooze button and I really didn't feel like getting up. The sun was out and it really was a nice day but I was so tired from cleaning my aunts house the day before that I wanted to sleep in till noon. I didn't sleep in that late. I got up around 11:00am which is really late for me but at least I got up.

The rest of the day started off very casual as I watched a bit of t.v. with my mom, then I motivated myself to clean the dreaded closet by our front door. Not only has this area hasn't seen the day light that often, there was dust bunnies the size of Texas. Ok so I am pulling the truth a little large but there was a lot of dust. I got my sisters to throw out their shoes that they haven't seen since they were put in the closet several years ago. It's amazing how much shoes a person can collect in the period of 13 years living in the same place.

So my little sister finally threw away some of her shoes. She went from around 25 shoes to 14 shoes. It was funny to see how she reacted. Then of course she went to her dance class and now is happily settled down to watch her 3hrs of Apprentice. I don't understand why she watches that show. Anyway so then I got my other sister to throw away some of her shoes and of course had to pull my mom into. In the end between the coats, shoes and accessories, we pulled about 2 bags worth of stuff for the Salvation Army, as well as a load of garbage for the garbage man.

So while I sit here and type, I am waiting for the last of the scarves to be dried so that they can be packed away. Yeah all the coats, scarves, and a few other items had to be cleaned before we gave them away. I also took this time to wash the winter items from last year so that they will be clean for the cold frost that's suppose to hit this year.

Tomorrow, I am attack cleaning the family room. The dining room and kitchen are the last of the rooms before I can finally say the house is ready for Christmas. It's such a tremendous task to take on but it's worth it.

Now I can sleep while visions of scarves, hats, and mittens dance in my head.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas...

Well yup, it's the fourth day of Christmas and my true love sent to me and here it goes "Four French Hens" and the rest of the song. So what did Miss Mae do, well she cleaned up her aunts house for some extra Christmas cash. Then she is going shopping with her mom for yup, are you ready for this: SUSHI!!! Yeah how I missed the raw taste of raw fish. There is something about raw fish that makes me smile....weird eh!

Anyway besides that I am cleaning our house in preparation of this great Christmas gathering where most of my relatives will be drunk. So I am hiding all the breakables. Not only that I have been trying to make our home decorative for Christmas.

The one great thing is that while I am at home, my friend Rachel says there is only 25 more days till the next tour starts, I am giving myself facials, pedicures and manicures. Just cause I know I don't get to do that stuff while I am on tour. It's hard to look like a million bucks on tour when you are scrubbing, cleaning, touring from a suitcase ;) My tour friends would agree! I am thinking of packing some of my nicer clothes though. I think I will start another fashion trend.

Ah Miss Mae, you definitely are a character! Yes according to my sister, I am the biggest drama queen that has hit this city. Not only that, I can act like anyone cause I have been everyone. With the phases I have gone through, there is no limit to who I can be. Just take a look at my wardrobe and my CD collection. I am like the Milk commercial, always changing. I think I have had all sorts of different colours of hair that I am almost not sure what I started with since my hair was never really solid black.

Oh look at the time, I must go and buy some sushi.

With Love Miss Mae

On the Third Day of Christmas...

So I am excited to say that I will be part of the Christmas Eve service at my church. It's a great opportunity to give back to my church community. We have been members for about a year now so this is great.

Anyway the weather out side is screaming blah blah blah day. My finger is injured from carrying to many parcels at one time. It's all banged up and bruised. Today I have decided that I will be cleaning the house this Christmas and decorating the place as well as other items of interest.

My sister introduced me to "Suicide Bunnies". It's a book about these bunny rabbits who decide they want to kill themselves and so they have different ways of doing it. This is not for the light at heart. Even though they are cartoons, and only some may find it funny, they are very cute bunnies and I must say, I found some of it disturbing. But other ones, like the Noah's ark, where the bunnies just decide to stay behind was kind of funny.

Other than that, I am really starting to want to stay home more and more. There have been so many great things happening at my Church that I so want to be a part of. Also tickets to South Africa is only 1,500$ so that means I could afford going over seas to visit my family there. Since I already made my commitment to go on another tour I am going to stick with it. Just a part of me though wishes to stay and be a part of my family where I really feel I belong. I will miss my sisters and mom and dad so very much. It seems, even though this is a short break from tour, it feels like it's been years that have past since my life on tour was my life I knew. The faces I knew on tour have become faded into my memory. Almost like Alice's view in the looking glass...was it all just a dream? And even at this moment as I write this, yes Mae, they are real people who made an impact in your life but something tells me I have faded from their memory as well. Time does that to you. It fades the past into distant memories that only you can recall if you focus on them.

Tour life was like a dream. It seems that maybe I am waking up from it to face the reality of my life. My adventures on tour have left me. Now I have to make some decisions that deal with the rest of my life. Do I return to school or do I follow my heart of adventure and leave this place for another country...like Japan, or Africa. There is a whole world yet for me to discover, and staying in a box for so long only makes me restless.

I think that's the beauty of my life. Ever decision I make, I don't have to consult another. I can make it on my own. That's the wonderful world of the single, free spirited woman! I look around at my friends, they have their schooling of professional trades with their 9 to 5 jobs, or their marriages and I don't believe that my life was meant to be like that. Nothing wrong with that kind of life, but some how I see myself living on the edge of life, wanting to live. Visiting foreign countries, exploring new lands, meeting different people, not settling down in life till the youth of my days have withered into the wind. I may be a dreamer, but there was always been something different about me.

Maybe, I thought that I had to conform to the life that everyone else had. Everyone that was older than me was always telling me that I should hook up, get married, get a good job and work till the day I die. Some how I don't think that's what I am suppose to do. Society tells me that I am a messed up case, that I am suppose to go to school and get my good education, meet the man of my dreams and follow this perfect formula for a happy life. At least that's what pretty, smart, girls like me are suppose to do to fit this pattern of society production.

But what if they are wrong? All the people who made a difference in the world that we live in were not society standard products of this formula. I think too that something inside of me is not going to follow that. I just don't know what exactly that is yet....

On the second day of Christmas...

Ah yes, it is the second day of Christmas and how did my day go? How did I spend it? With over 2 hours of madness at the mall. So today Miss Mae decided to venture over to the redone mega mall in the North West. It was done up like the malls in Toronto and the USA.

I felt some what depressed from this experience. After all it was like over consumers and my mind rejected it and my insides wanted to turn inside out. All the stores that contain scents, over whelmed my head and after going into a couple, I had a serious migraine. Then it was the lady who wouldn't move out of the way in the Candy Lane Isle at one of the stores we went to. She was counting each individual candy cane to see if there was 12 candy canes in the box. I wanted to say "Hey Lady, move it! Yes there is 12 stupid candy canes in the box, why the heck would they put 12 on the box!" but I didn't say anything, I just smiled and kindly passed her by.

The materialism during the Christmas season is getting out of hand. This world that we live in is becoming more filled with the I syndrome and I have become more like a Christmas Grinch toward it all. I mean I don't mind it when I living here as I am myself guilty on all cases. But something tells me we weren't suppose to live like this. With all these Mega malls, I often wonder if this money could have been better off used in a village in the 3rd world.

Part of me admires the designs of the mall, another part shudders as I know while enjoy the comfort of indoor heated precedes, there are people who don't even have heated homes.
That just gave me something to think about. On other events of today, I really enjoyed my time bonding with my sister.

We spent all day together and we are going to her last Alpha course later on tonight. It's times when I spend laughing and enjoying the parkade of my sisters company that really make me miss home. We had fun together, just shopping and eating and just going up and down the stores. Back and forth to find the perfect gift to make our love ones smile. It was a real pleasure.

I think the more I spend time with my family, the harder it will be for me to leave once again. I have missed so much and I get separation anxiety when I have to leave them. My sisters and I are so very close. We are more than sisters, we are bosom friends. This will be a major factor if I decide to go to an out of town school. :( Well that's about my daily pickings today.

So...On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, some time with my family.

On the first day of Christmas...

So how was your day? Ah the 12 days of Christmas and what do I get? Well no Partridge in a Pear tree. In fact I am still waiting for my true love ah sigh and one day he will come. As in the Cinderella musical,"The Sweetest Sounds, I'll ever hear are still inside my head. The Kindest Words I'll ever know are waiting to be said. The most entrancing sight of all is yet for me to see.... and the dearest love in all the world is waiting somewhere for me, is waiting somewhere.... somewhere for me."

Yeah, I am a sap when it comes to sappy love stories. Actually the musical is pretty good. I watched it with my mom the other night. It was one of the movies we decided to watch together. I am actually spending a lot of time with my mom. A girls best friend is not diamonds but it's her mother. As much as I hate to admit it, my mom is one of my closest friends. The person I can tell everything to. When I was little I use to look up to my mom as my hero. She was the one I wanted to be because she baked really great cookies, banana bread and made a killer Won Ton Soup (sorry Mr. Cherry Inn).

When I was in my rebel teenage years...did I have that...umm yeah Miss Mae, well my mom was the lady that would give me cash to spend if I needed to get some updated clothes and the person that I rarely wanted to be seen with.

And now, well now it's like this. My mom and I have a real close relationship. She is the woman I respect and go to for advice on life, love and friends. She is also the best cook, and she makes me laugh so hard. She is the cutest mom ever.

In fact today my sister, my mom and I went to a 12 days of Christmas event. We were walking by an area where a horse had recently let out some bodily waste and my mom said "ewwww, why did you take me to this stinky place."

She acts like a little kid sometimes but I love that about her. She reminds me that not all adults are stiff necked old foggies. Anyway so we spent most of the day just walking around the park. We enjoyed some baked goods and then went to do a little bit of Christmas shopping. After we headed out for Fish and Chips. We had a really great day.

It was great spending with my sister and mom. I feel that we got to bond. It's times like these that makes me want to freeze time so I can spend eternity in the moment. Just loving my family and not worrying about anything. Just loving the people I love and spending time with them. It's times like these that I miss while I am on the road.

Anyway here is the lyrics to another song to the Cinderella Musical. It's called Do I Love You Because You're Beautiful?

Prince: Do I love you because you're beautiful?

Or are you beautiful Because I love you?

Am I making believe I see in you

A girl to lovely to Be really true?

Do I want you because you're wonderful?

Or are you wonderful Because I want you?

Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream,

Or are you really as beautiful as you seem?

Cinderella: (Maybe you're imagining me.

And maybe I'm imagining you, too.)

Am I making believe I see in you

A man to perfect to Be really true?

Do I want you because you're wonderful,

Or are you wonderful Because I want you?

Both: Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream,

Or are you really as wonderful as you seem?

Prince: (spoken) I've always dreamed it would happen like this

And now it really has! I don't ever want this night to end.

Cinderella (spoken) Neither do I.

Both: Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream,

Are are you really as wonderful as you seem?

It's what you make out of it

Life is a funny, funny thing. It's a cold and bitter day but life is full of wonderful surprises. As one of the fellowships I belong to did a performance at the old folks home, I was reminded of how very blessed I am to be loved and to love.

Over the past two years I have made so many friends from tour and maintained friends that have been with me forever. It's a good feeling to know that at any given moment one of my friends is thinking about me. I am thinking about one of them at any given moment.

Passing through these days at home, I often think about all the people I have met and how very lucky I am to have been there to meet them. It's like the movie a hundred million miracles are happening every day. The miracle of friendship is one of them.

Anyway I was watching the Flower Drum Song and that's when it made me think of the line.

So that's about it. I am hungry so I am going to go eat.

Picking at the Pick

Well today is another Friday in the life of Miss Mae. Yup just another Friday. I got up hoping to buy my guitar but by my mother's influence, decided to hold out a little longer.

So while that being said I went to practice on our family acoustic. Something started to rattle and to my surprise there in the guitar body was my sisters supposed stolen/lost pick that she claimed I lost....so I brought that down to her.

She tried to use chopsticks to capture the missing pick but as I told her. It best be taken out like the comercial like the duck. Use duck tape on the end of the chopstick.

But no she decided she will try to continue the method of using the chopstick. After much annoyance, she finally gave in to my tape idea but grabed scotch tape. Now I have nothing against that sort of tape. I use it all the time to tape up Christmas gifts but ah even I knew it wasn't going to be strong enough. So after many attemps she gave up. I took the chopstick, put the strongest tape I could find, which was parcel tape. Taped the tape to the chopstick and in one try rescued the lonely pick.

So that's my story for today. Nothing really exciting, just going to the mall later with my sister. Need to pick up a few items. Then I figure I am going to watch a movie.

My day today is a blah day. Oh well this is the life of Miss Mae.

And so it Begins....Christmas pandemonium

Yup that's right. The beginning of another crazy moment in my year. Total pandemonium. Complete with it's own pull out section. If you get out now, you just might survive. Head on out to a place other than North America, maybe the Amazon or the other isolated Islands.

Ah the sound of silence. Not really but with many things to get done, organizing a family presentation, with its own little band, and doing odds and ends life couldn't get better.

I don't suppose this season was meant like this. However as I think back to the story of the night of the Birth of Christ that must have been a busy time as well. I mean they were doing a census and with all that crowd, you have to be honest that it probably wasn't a silent night or at least not silent in the terms of the city. I mean there wasn't even space for the baby to be born in a hotel. I guess even the first Christmas was a little crazy.

I was in dream land this morning. It was crazy. But then again if I didn't dream, I wouldn't have these great ideas to write about absolute nonsense. So I suppose dreams are my creative juice in which great stories and stuff come out of. This being said, I should write more of my dreams into books. But who knows what that might turn out to be like.

Don't you ever find it calming at home....Well I should hope so. But knowing that it's not likely to be true I figure, life in all and all is crazy. Being off tour is some what brings another side to this coin. I realize I am more calmer, well in a way. However I do miss the people on tour in a way. Maybe I was blessed with multiple personality and tour brings a wild crazy personality out. Because at home, I think I have become more reserved, withdrawn.

Anyway with that being said I got to go do some cleaning to earn a little Christmas cash.

By the way it's my friend Rachel's 24th birthday. Happy Birthday Rachel.

Poor Baby elephant

Today I was heart broken at the news of the Calgary Zoo Baby Elephant. Almost everyone in this world who knew about the Elephant was so sad. First to be born in the zoo is a sad thing, only knowing life in a cage. Second to have your own mother reject you and not love you is a very sad thing for a little one. Third despite all odds, your little life ends where it first began, in a dark cage.

So I say, poor baby elephant, my heart goes out to you. May you have a better life in Heaven.

In other news today, I watched Oprah. They were talking about a book called He's just not that into you. I want to read it now. It ends the discussion about how we as female are over looking into situations and for the soul purpose to end up heartbroken. One of the tips the author said about guys is that if a guy doesn't call you "he's just not into you". It talks about raising your standard. So don't go waiting by the phone if he doesn't call, the truth hurts ladies and well it's better to know that he's not into you and move on. Besides as the author said don't waste your pretty. You deserve more. So I am taking the advice.

They had some tips at the end of the show about raising your standard. I agreed with some of them. One of them is don't go chasing after a guy and asking him out. If a guy is into you, he will do the chasing. I think that is great cause that mean less work for us girls. Besides there is more guys in this world that girls. Even in China where the male population out numbers the female population by 1:17. The male number being the later. So with any luck, we ladies shouldn't be the ones worried about finding a mate. In fact it's the guys who should start to worry and start to be the aggressors since they actually have competition. With most woman being Miss independent in this day and age, it is harder for the guys to get a woman to need him since we now can provide for ourselves like the Destiny Child's song, "The shoes on my feet I bought it". It doesn't mean that we don't want them, no, it justs means that now with the working women population, we can provide for ourselves if needed so a man is not the bread winner.

With all said and done, I think it's important for us woman to get some education. After all that's the key success in the world.

That's all I have to say today.

Sleep I never get enough I am always waking up tired.

So my brain and body came to the same conclusion today....I never get enough sleep. So while I had nothing really major to do today, my body didn't want me to go to sleep last night. So I stayed up looking at the endless amount of photo albums and cleaning out the odds and ends of stuff.

So later today I get to sort through my clothing and find out which clothes will make it into the donation pile. It's funny after living a few months out of a suitcase you begin to realize that 1. You have a lot of clothes, 2. You don't need all that stuff 3. It's nice to have a change in wardrobe so you begin to appreciate it.

Yes and one thing about coming home is that even though I lacked sleep on tour, I still remain to lack sleep at home. One of the wonders I would say is how to get enough sleep.

At breakfast this morning, I ate rice....Yes rice after all the chicken adobo I still managed to eat rice for breakfast and chicken. Rice and chicken, rice and chicken, if I say it long enough I might end up singing a song.

Well Christmas is coming and I am not sure how I feel about it this year. I mean with the family coming over and all. We don't have a tree but the garland is up and the stocking shall be hung with care today. The problem with my family is this: they are way to materialistic. Each year they have a gift exchange. Now that's not bad but it's like everyone has to participate or else they get upset. Plus it' s not even about the thought but it's about what the gift is.

What happened to the meaning of the thought that counts? Even at home, it' s like "what do you want for Christmas?" and my answer is I don't know. I mean I never really thought about that because what I want is peace on earth, good will to man, people to find what the real meaning of Christmas. I want my family to come to know Christ, I want my friend to be fully healed, I want to find purpose in what I do. Ah I guess things won't change.

So guess what I did, yup I made a Christmas list of the things I wanted. It's not really that I need it, or that I couldn't just pick it up from the store if I wanted to. It's just a list of things, items really to add to my collection of stuff.

Well that's all I can think of. Maybe I do need more sleep, maybe I am not getting enough or my words would make more sense.

Oh well the truth is, I never get enough sleep.

Wow, snow, snow and more snow...

Well if it weren't for the fact that there is a lot of white fluffy stuff outside my front door, I would have gotten up and taken a brisk walk around the neighbourhood. Since there is snow on the ground I might as well stay indoors today. I would go do something fun but when you are by yourself, going outdoors and having a snowball fight by yourself defeats the purpose. Everyone knows that snowball fights are not fun when you are just hitting yourself in the face with cold snow!

What I lack today is something to do. Not that I don't have a list to do, more so its the fact that I don't want to do anything. Believe me if I was bored I would be doing something, but the fact of the day is that Miss Mae is being lazy and resents the idea of actually doing something.

As that being said, I might actually do something to prove myself wrong. I might buy an electric guitar by the end of the week and start playing. Do you even know how to play a guitar? Probably, I mean I am learning from a video tape and it's going well. However the real question I should be asking myself is, Is this one of the phases that I am going through? Maybe, since Miss Mae often goes through a phase or two, or three or four... but by saying that I hope this is not a phase because I do want to play electric but we will have to see since they cost $$ and I am not sure if I want to spend that money if it's not well invested.

Well that's my thoughts for this morning, or pre morning. Maybe I will bake cookies.

Darn it's cold out side...feel the frozen feet.

So I left the house in hopes that maybe Miss Mae will get her act together today and arrive early for Church. Unlucky Miss Mae takes the bus, while offered a ride to the bus stop, she gladly accepts and gets there ten minutes earlier. The bus never arrived. Okay so I said, a ten minute delay shouldn't be too bad, but that ten minute turned into a no show. It wouldn't be too bad if the temperature wasn't below freezing. After trying to unfreeze oneself the bus driver takes me to the Crowfoot Shopping area and well to my wonderful surprise tells me that the 299 should be there shortly to take me to the train station. To be exact, he said 5 minutes. Well that was the longest 5 minutes of my life. Waiting till my feet had a stabbing cold pains shooting through the toes and long enough so that I could no longer feel any motion in my hands five minutes of my life. It actually only came 20 minutes later and that was one cold long wait which I hope never to have a repetition of.

After that experience I ran late into the church. Miss Mae arrived late once again.
The rest of the day was spent practicing with the church team on a drime that will be performed on Saturday. I guess you can say I am trying to fill up my winterdays with as much bustle as the Christmas season will allow. I have a few more events this week which I will be looking forward to.

My lips are chap and my hands are still burning but on the bright side no one had to tell me that "Miss Mae, you need to amputate your toes now" so that's all good news.
I hope to sip on hot ice tea, which is not the same tea you find in the states but that's another story for another day.

Miss Mae

My Brain today says I lack the motivation to write!

So this adventure picks up in the Brain of Miss Mae, well there is little of that to say.
I woke up late. Probably since I only exited into dream world about 3 am this morning. What would have been a great story would be that I had a wonderful night out on the town but the truth be told I was babysitting my sweet cousin Eric. Only 7 months old.

So to be exact, I was playing mama with my sisters and mom who also took care of the little one. Seems to me that little Eric loves country music. Odd for a little one but cute enough to add it to the thought case.

If it be that I have nothing else to say is this: Welcome to the Brain of Miss Mae. Enjoy.