Thoughts on the Winter of Autumn

Well grazing at my usual spot, the autumn leaves and the beauty of autumn surrounded me. I've been so busy lately to just soak up the the world's natural beauty because I have been to occupied with frugualist things that don't matter anymore. Not that it doesn't really matter but when it comes to the end of all things what is life composed of?

We move so fast in society. Climbing ladders, running here and there. All for what end means? People have forgotten how to think but ask the few in charge how they must compose the majority of their lives. We live from the tube box if you can really call that living. We don't seek out things, we have stopped discovering the human spirit and have like all things started producing and selling it as if it was another product you can buy off the shopping net work.

One of the books of wisdom I enjoy is from the Bible as it takes into consideration the deeper realities of the world we live in. Meaningless. Life is. By the time most of us decide how to really use our lives for the greater cause of things we have come to the near end of things and by then our life has become not more than a mere speck of wasted time.

I've come to educate myself, to seek a higher sense of value for my own life. I don't have the answers but I dare to seek out them.

Time is short though.

Why does the heart hurt so much

It seems that I read his letter over and over in my mind. We are finally through and even though it's true my heart wants to keep fighting. I always tell myself that if I found something in life worth fighting for that I would fight till my very last breath uttered a word.

But what if the thing you found worth fighting for was better let go? I want him to fight for me. I wanted him to say back then that he didn't want me to go. I would have stayed. I wish he wanted to fight for me, to fight for us and yet as I wake up on this day, I know that sometimes if you love some one you don't fight because you know it's better to free them.

I am debating if I should have fought to keep him. He was worth the fight but I realise that I am not a fighter. Even when it comes to the things I know I want to save. I am a lover, and I must set free. It's part of free will. You love, you lose, you hope for the best. I keep trying to convince myself it's going to be okay. I keep saying that I will meet someone who is right for me...but I don't really want someone, I want him in my life. I want a future with him, for us. How would it work though, separted by different beliefs in faith. If I grew more and more in love would it tear me to see him moving farther away from whats most important in my life? Then I see my friends who have a relationship with a different faith yet they seem happy. Would it be selfish of me to have what is wrong even if the heart says it's right?

I go around campus and sometimes I feel that if time could pass in the past and future would I have walked and pass him on the same road? Would he have smiled at me? Knowing that someone else might one day enter his life breaks my heart. No wonder James Blunt says his song "Good Bye My Lover" is a bitter miserable song. Love is horrible when it ends, especially when you cry out to your lover who stopped loving you. So here I am, bearing my soul to the internet world. Maybe if you never loved before you would be free from love's sting. If you have ever lost a love, then you know what I am talking about.

Love is bitter, Miss Mae

untitled

Tomorrow.
Yes I start school then. I feel helpless. I feel confused. I am still getting over the events of the previous years which was leading up to my own eviction of the soul from the body. I don't want to start but I do. I do want to cry for all that didn't become, for all that I wish and I want to celebrate the beauty that has been.

So heres to a great education. Finding something, being open minded.

Oh My God ~~Jars of Clay

Oh My God
Oh my God, look around this place,
Your fingers reach around the bone,
you set the break and set the tone
For flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain all fools say, "Oh my God."

Oh my God, why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed,
There is no cure for our disease.
Turn a phrase and rise again,
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friends,
Oh My God.

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief.
Weddings, boats, and alibis,
All drift away, and a mother cries...

Liars and fools, sons and failures, theives will always say..
Lost and found, ailing wanderers, healers always say..
Whores and angels, men with problems, leavers always say..
Broken hearted, separated, orphans always say..
War creators, racial haters, preachers always say..
Distant fathers, fallen warriors, givers always say..
Pilgrim saints, lonely widows, users always say..
Fearful mothers, watchful doubters, Saviors always say..

Sometimes I can not forgive
and these days mercy cuts so deep,
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep.
While I lay, I'd dream we're better, scales were gone and faces lighter,
When we wake we hate our brother, we still move to hurt each other,
Sometimes I can close my eyes and all the fear the keeps me silent,
Falls below my heavy breathing, what makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder, we all have the need for wonder.
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the plunder.

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven,
All the times I thought to reach up, all the times I had to give up.
Babies underneath their beds, in hospitals that cannot treat them.
All the wounds that money causes, all the comforts of cathedrals,
All the cries of thirsty children, this is our inheritance,
All the rage of watching mothers, this is our greatest offense
Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God.

This is beautiful melody with very powerful words. So many people use this phrase but how many of them understand it? We use it in desparation and we also use it to swear about our bitterness. How many of us believe? So many people use it. Different people, different believes on who God is?

Fairy Tales and broken hearts

Maybe the truth in all this is that fairy tales are exactly that. They are not real. Maybe love is just another cruel joke played on the tin man who was truly looking to find love again. He was better off with out a heart that breaks after falling in love. I don't think I want to love anymore. I can't help but feel really just down right broken hearted and stupid again. Music is helping me though. It's starting the healing process. I wanted to tell him before he left that I can't be friends because I would fall deeper in love with him only to know my heart would end up breaking and I can't do that to myself. I can't love knowing that it would kill me. I wanted to say he made me smile. That I appreciated him. All of him. That when my sister saw him that day so broken I wanted to be the one who picked up the pieces but I knew I was the one that first broke it. The human heart is a cruel joke. Love is hard. Love is ironic. Damn cupid and his arrows.

Now I just have to really let go. It's been to long to be loving someone. But you know me. I fall hard and hard I fall. If love was a clift I am falling off Mt. Everst. Just falling and falling wanting to be caught. Wanting to be saved from this pain I just can't understand. This pain that is call love. This posion that destroys your heart. It hurts because I can't be with him. I know even if he wanted me that we couldn't be. Damn love hurts. It's a cruel joke. I hate loving and saying good bye. I shall never love again. I don't want to. Love Sucks!

Finding a piece of me

"Surrender" ~Barlow Girl~

My hands hold safly to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

God now I finally am surrending the dream I had. I have given up the first guy I have ever loved fully unto your hands. It hurts to see him fallen from you. I know that you have to work in his heart. Please take care of him. Love him gently because it hurts not to be with him. It's hurts to give up the dreams I had. It hurts because of all the I wishes, the what ifs, but I know I have to surrender for your plans are better than my own. Your wisdom is greater than my understanding.

Single and loving it!!

I just love how Natasha Bedingfield is such a positive singer about life and love. She and Pink are such great positive role models.

"Single"

Ah yeah that's right
All you single people out there
This is for you

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me whole

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't

[Chorus:]
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be

Ah yeah Uh Huh that's right

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

[Chorus]

Everything in it's right time everything in it's right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way it's my way
Eh I like it this way

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
'Til then I'm single

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

This is what it's about. Yesterday some friends at church where trying to say that I needed a guy to make me a whole person...yeah right!!! Given the fact they themselves were guys who didn't have a girl on their shoulder may have been the bitter factor in their lives. This is the next generation boys! A girl doesn't have to be your doll to define herself in the world today.