The Day after Christmas

To be honest I don't know where to start. There have been a lot of things that have been on my mind and well I just don't know where to start.

Christmas started out as a great Christmas. I did the evening service at our Church on Christmas eve and that turned out well. I actually felt that I wanted to be joyful in spirit. I wasn't depress and then something happened between now and then. Something though even though through the smiles of the seasons, I still had a cry on my heart. Why? Cause my sister Tracey at the time was spending Christmas away from us. I had to spend Christmas with my "extended family" and that what I was not looking forward to. All of a sudden my world wasn't making sense.

Maybe I just don't understand life or the inner works. As the FM Static song goes

you've been trying to get me open

caught out in the open

everyone is hoping you'd give anything to take this

everything that breaks this

everyone is faceless

give me something to believe In

quick or else im leaving

need a better reason

i know things get complicated

so miseducated

it's a wonder that made it situation a little speculation

what are we facing too much complications

looking for a name in a new generation

a new focus new destination

I don't wanna look I just wanna find can you give me something to believe in keep your religion, don't need your lies i'm just looking for one good reason feel like it's teenage hunting season but nothing out there sounds half decent who's out there? who's going to save us before we all fall through the cracks in the pavement

you've been trying to get me open caught out in the open everyone is hoping give me something to believe in quick or else im leaving need a better reason i know i'm never gonna fall in line so don't even bother wasting your timei'm a breed of a different kind stand back just to invade your mind situation under speculation what are we facing? too much complications looking for a name in a new generation a new focus new destination i don't wanna look i just wanna find can you give me something to believe in keep your religion, don't need your lies i'm just looking for one good reason feel like it's teenage hunting season but nothing out there sounds half decent who's out there? who's going to save us before we all fall through the cracks in the pavement and if you don't know what im talking about it's probably better cause im working out don't wanna spend my life time figur in out that i coulda just said one prayer

and if you know what i'm talking about then together were both working it outdon't wanna spend my life time figuring out i missed the point now it's over i missed the point now it's overi missed the point now it's over i missed the point now it's over i missed the point now it's over i missed the point now it's over

So I guess I was just here. Living as best as I can. I don't have the answers. I have some but I can't help you. I just don't understand life myself. I guess we are all vessels trying to find out what we are believing.

What made my Christmas was that it did snow. Finally after so many brown Christmas it finally snowed. My sister Tracey ended spending the morning with us cause her flight plan got messed up so she didn't go to Cuba.

My aunts and I had a fight about control and other family issues. I am still getting over that. I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not sure how I feel about my family from everyone there. I guess in a way I want to escape and start a new life away from them, from everyone and just have a fresh start. Although some how I know that wouldn't solve a thing. Maybe I just have to accept these cards and play them as they are dealt.

Maybe something is wrong with me. I feel like I don't have a place in this world. Even at my youth group I didn't feel welcomed. I felt out of place. Is there a place for me? Where do I belong on this planet?

How does one live in this world? As a Christian, as a person, as a young adult, as a human soul? How does one deal with the cards they have been dealt. I am not angry, I just want answers. I want to see change. How can one change the world but at the same time make peace with what I don't believe and the world does? why are we are here for? I hate this this world that we live in. I don't understand it!

Sometimes I wonder, if the past five years of my life have been the biggest illusion in my life. What if I am wrong about everything and that this is all we have to live for? I was so certain about my faith but I am not sure some days. What if I am right, then I am living for a purpose and that also tells me the other people that I care about I will never see them again. So how ironic is that?

I wonder if life is all that. I am trying to stay strong, but there are days I just cry. I wonder if I have hit rock bottom. If this life seems all that it is, then I rather not live here. I can't think like that though, I just have to hold on to what I know is truth. In a world of no absolute truths, I am searching for relevance in my own life. I am holding on to a faith that is on shaky ground, trying to believe in something which I am not sure if I am right, but it's all I have. If it's not truth, then my life spent on earth would have been worthless, but worthless to the point that at least I didn't live with out loving, caring for others, and living with a belief that has tried to make sense of a world that doesn't make sense at all.

So I hope you have had a better Christmas. Actually ironically it wasn't the worst Christmas yet!