A Stepping Stone to move a Mountain

I have just finished the Dream Giver. Wow that last chapter touched heart. It was not only the fact that Bruces dream, had been a wonderful vision of what God can do with what little we offer Him but it struck my heart in ways because when I was a little girl I saw that poverty in South Africa.

You see I have family that still lives there. I know the state that the country is going through and it awakens me to want to change the world we live in. I know that the world we live in is never going to be perfect and that is a fact, cause it's not a world we are meant to live in forever. However so, God has given each of us the ability to change that. Why live for self and make sand castles that will be washed away by the incoming tide? Let us invest in what really matters.

Growing up the one person who has inspired me was Mother Teresa. Her love for the people of the third world made such a difference. She got the idea that the rest of us struggled with. Investing in the lives of God's people makes a mark of eternity.

Go! Send! Follow what God calls you to do. I think it really inspired me to hear Joanne Shetler speak on what is important. People and God's word. I know not other things that would ring true today. Deep in my heart I pray that I will have the courage to continue to follow what God has asked of me. Even if this means entering the mission field some where over seas alone. It's been something I have struggled with. I hate the very thought of being sent overseas to a place that is unfamiliar, to a people group that is unfamiliar, with no one that I know. What scares me the most is going there without a friend in the world.

What's ironic is what God proved today. I fell asleep and we had to go down to the church to pack up. No one came to get me out of our large group. I kind of felt forgotten, lost at sea, but lately I have been spending more time in isolation so I figure it's okay if they forgot me. This got me thinking, could I really be getting use to the idea of being alone is okay? I struggled with that a lot on previous tours. This is the first time I am finally saying, YES it's OK because the truth is that I am never really alone. God is always with me. No matter what circumstance I find myself in He will always provide me whether be alone or in good company. So I just got to enjoy it and be happy in all circumstances.

Well I have an early start tomorrow.
God Be with me
IN HIM
Mae

Waking up to the Son

Well there have been so many days this week that I craweld into His arms
Tears dripped down this face but some how He's kept me strong.
I don't want to let this pain consume me anymore.
God's glory shine fourth from this wicked soul.

When the week was finally over, God spoke and convicted me to go on my knees and pray. He told me I needed to forgive thoes that hurt me. It was hard for me to do. Today I choosed that I would follow and be obedient to Him.

That means.....to forgive thoes who wronged me.

So I pick that up. You are only given a day to be changed around. After this glorious morning I begin to realised that my God is bigger than the things that I have to face. It is He who has given me the strength even though I am put through the firery furnace. It's Him who has been there even when I look around and can't hear Him when I call in times of need. My God stands before me and walks me through troubled times.

If there is some unspoken tension from your past you need to address it. You may say.....nah why do I? But if things like that keep rekindling that means it's effecting the way you perform as a human and as a Christian.

I love this message. I got that in an e-mail from my little sister. God using everyone with sending you messages of truth.

One of the cool things that I have been going through this week was reading through Exodus. It opened my eyes as God showed me how Holy He is. Also how much detail He puts into everything He calls for. The building of the Tabernacle was down to the bottom detail. I love the way God has put that into the bible. Though it was difficult to get into the message, His Holiness rings truth.

I am trying to allow God to heal me from my past that keeps preventing me from becoming the person He has called me to be. He has called me to live a Holy life and with this He demands that I follow through. For He is a Holy God. So with that being said, I have challenged myself to follow through. In times of trouble I need to Trust Him more than I have before. One of the cool things that was said in service today was that Faith + Hope = Trusting in God.

One thing that has been missing was my Hope, because I kept on looking at the darkness and I didn't look at the light coming from Jesus. Sometimes this world surrounds you and the worlds darkness over takes you. But until you return your eyes on Jesus you will never be able to see the goodness of this world. One of my favourite quotes came out of the end of the Lemony Snicket movie. The parents wrote to the children about seeing the goodness in the evilness of this world.

Anyway so focus on the light. The Light of Jesus shines brightly and over powers even the darkest of the night.

This week will be a challenging one, since we have mock shows and dress rehersal on Friday but if I keep looking at the right source, God will walk me through it one day at a time.

Miss Mae

Crushed by the gravity that pulls us down....

Gravity is not my friend
The weight of the world brings me down
Under the heavy burdens that crush the soul

Oh how I long for the Lord to lift me up
But I am so down trodden, so out of luck
And it seems that the world is passing me by
These are the days that makes you break down and cry

But by his gentle voice calling to me,
My child, my child I hear you so
I will lift you up once again
You will be with me in Heaven

The trails that you face will come and go
The journey that you face is long and slow
But remember that I am here
By your side, holding your fears

Catching each tear drop
Holding each broken heart
Craddling your wounded soul
Onward christian soliders
We shall march since the victory is still ours

We are God's chosen people.

Crushed by the gravity that pulls us down....

Gravity is not my friend
The weight of the world brings me down
Under the heavy burdens that crush the soul

Oh how I long for the Lord to lift me up
But I am so down trodden, so out of luck
And it seems that the world is passing me by
These are the days that makes you break down and cry

But by his gentle voice calling to me,
My child, my child I hear you so
I will lift you up once again
You will be with me in Heaven

The trails that you face will come and go
The journey that you face is long and slow
But remember that I am here
By your side, holding your fears

Catching each tear drop
Holding each broken heart
Craddling your wounded soul
Onward christian soliders
We shall march since the victory is still ours

We are God's chosen people.

Miss ka Mune E Kation

once again......stupid computer

What are we living for?

So today some of my group members went and did a workshop for missions fest. It was good, I hope that something came out of it but you can never really tell with these things. Some people get excited and then a few days later their fire has smoldered off in the distant.

I even got to go looking at the different booths, even though I got to be a part of it and felt that I shouldn't be double dipping in the mission fields, managed to find something that brought my fire back to a good state.

Between acting and following what God wants from my life I have also wanted to try to teach english over seas. I know some way or another God is using all my life skills in some big picture. To what is the extent of it all, I don't know but all the skills I have obtained have been worth it. I don't think God makes you stay in your comfort zone all your life. I think if we were too comfortable we would never beable to get things done that needed to be done.

I think I am going to let Him decide on this one. I have plenty of options, whether I go back to school next fall, or on tour. I leave that to where I am most useable to further His kingdom. It's not that I don't know what I am here for, nor the fact that there is a million things to do in life. It's more so that what I want is whatever He has planned for me. That's how it was in 2000 when I said, "God I am your servant, show me where you want me to be." Then I obeyed and the rest to say is this, here I am in the USA and I have travelled all of Canada, and a lot of the states. I have graduated with a Photojournalism diploma with honours, I have witnessed to thousands of people sharing God's word of hope and salvation and the need for bible translation. I have made a dozen or more good friends who are all over North America. I have been to Mexico.

So with all this being said, I know what God has planned for me won't be a dull moment. It might be hard, and I know it will be challenging, but some how it will be better than anything I could have planned.

To answer the question what are we living for? We are living for the Glory of Jesus Christ. All that stuff we do is great but it will never be greater that living for the Glory of God.

Peace out
Mae

Sleep...I never get enough I am always waking up tired

Sleep, I never get enough, I am always waking up tired. Sleep no I never get enough if I don't show up I might get fired.

Ah what a great song. Like today I feel that even though I finally got some rest last night, I am still waking up tired. Yesterday was frustrating. Lack of sleep made me all emotionally unstable, crying, whining little tarp! Yup!

So what happened you might ask, well the answer is simple, sleep Nope I never ever get enough. Why is sleep important? Well first of all, I wouldn't be falling all over the place and second, I wouldn't be so cranky. The first is just funny...the other well...the other makes me a not so nice person. I become M.E.A.N. Yup that's what I said. So yesterday was planned spontanity....which is not really spontanity since it's planned. So I tried to have fun but I just became evil Nancy who needed some Rest and Recovery! With that said, I got home in a not so cheerful mood, I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep so I ended up taking a Nyquil and that made me rest really really well. I was out like a light. Unfortnately that also woke up some of the girls. Apparently the medicine does something to me, makes me into the deepest sleep I have ever been in, cause at 7:30 am my clock went off but I was sound a sleep.

To counter it, I had a strong cup of coffee with plenty of sugar.

So my day was interesting. Try getting me to focus today was a challenge. But all is well that ends well. I ended up getting through the day. Later our Missionary came and ate dinner with us. After that I spent most of the time on my bed painting my chipped nails since I didn't enjoy having peeling nail polish on my nails. I redid them cause it's picture day tomorrow. Any hoo that's my day.

Love Miss Mae

Black Coffee Please, No Sugar, No Cream!

Ahhg that sucks! I just typed out my entire journal and what happens, stupid page doing the stupid load up didn't work!!!

Fine!
This bites!
Mae

Black Coffee Please, No Sugar, No Cream!

Okay so you are doing your lines and you are rehersing once again. Stop! Go! Stop! Go! GO, Stop, GO GO Go!!! Agh! Well what do you expect Miss Mae this is rehersal and this is what you are to expect.

Like I said, stop, and go! So frustrating cause I want it to be perfect. This is my problem, I want this to be perfect but you know it's a long and hard process and man is it ever so hard. I feel like pulling out my bottom lip and crying but ah suck it up right?! After all this cookie ain't crubling.

OH Joy! What solves this problem? I know I shall go buy a hat, or at least look for something to buy to add to my stuff. Shopping, Chicken wings and chocolate really makes a girl happy, or at least that's what I am telling people. These pleasures are just some of the things that make me smile. So why can't I do that...well first of all cause when you are on tour you can't just take off and leave. So that's why. Simple as that, it's a system, you lose some independance this way but I am sure the benefits out weigh all the rest right? I mean shouldn't it??

I feel cabin fever coming on. I am antsy just to escape and go some where. Anywhere. But I can't cause I am stuck. Then I figured, God must be teaching Miss Mae to be happy in all circumstance...ok...humm this will take some time. Time, patience, RIGHT!!! Gosh I just quoted a quote from the play....oh my...what has happened. To early in rehersal to be doing that. I guess what I really need to know is this, will my life be okay God? Cause you said you had a plan but this seems like it's taking a while, I am already getting Cabin Fever.

It's like this. You begin a fairly decent novel. It's great, the first couple chapters is filled with adventure, romance, excitment, drama, conflict. Then that fades and the circumstance becomes normal, dull, there is no more romance at all, the adventure is barely there, well if you call falling off stage stairs an adventures then I have three words for you "You're ON CRACK", this becomes ordinary part of my so called life.

Sure there still is conflict only because the bigger picture deals with it that way. There are more questions and stuff to read through before it will ever start to pick up again. But that is taking too long. And when I mean too long I mean cobwebs have begun forming on my fingers while I type this.

The good stuff comes later, and you desperately want to find out more, however you can't cause you can't forward life like that. That is the bitter part!!!! Stupid middle. Aghgggh... the sounds of a groaning writer about to throw her bitter ink pen to the ground. Squished, trampled, sigh.....that's the sounds you get after the pen doesn't break because it's not something that can be metphorically broken.

Ah my life!!! If I was a University student right now, I probably would be getting more of a life than right now!!! Or at least the grass looks greener on the other side of this suburban fence.

So like I said. I just want to forward to the stuff that makes life interesting. This stuff between is killing me. Even a crazed stalker would be nice at some point....ok not really but you know what I mean. Or maybe you don't but the point is I just want something to happen. My life is becoming way to ordinary that my dreams are actually more exciting than life.

But then again my life is not a soap box movie screen so why should I expect it to be. No, at the moment this writer is well living a black coffee life. No sugar or cream. Just a black coffee life! Isn't that just great.

Humm I could make up an imanginary circumstance as when I belonged to an online chat community where we actually had homes for our avatars. Humm at least then my life online would be exciting....I should just go into acting as a soap opera t.v. actress and then every day would be well interesting....well we will see.

The life as Miss Mae, 1 black coffee please, no sugar, no cream!

Mae

Trees and Nature and all that stuff

Walking to the center where we check our mail, I passed through the beautiful Portland grounds of trees. After a bitter cold snap, the cool breeze compliments the trees just where the sun peeks through.

I see God there. Today it's a Sunday and I see God in the things He surrounds me. Even through bitter tears of sadness, I am not sure what I am sad about, He is my strength and comfort.

Waiting for what God is doing in my life is a great joy. He is my God, my rock and my redeemer and my strength. Surrendering to him is the part that gets me the most.

There is a song by the Barlow girls about surrending dreams. It's hard to surrender the dreams that you once thought was yours. I find it hard to do just that.

Anyway yesterday was a very relaxed day. I spent it watching musicals and basically just enjoying the peace that came with the day. I miss my mom!

All the time I spent with her while I was off tour has made it hard for me to be without her. Not that I am a cry baby, I miss fellowshiping with my mom and cooking with her. I miss just talking to her and hearing her stories. I miss my sisters as well. I miss them a lot. It was fun to hear my little sister and I just joke around...I wonder how she is doing with her broken arm. I haven't spoken to them since I left. I talked maybe once but it was short and it was just to tell them that I arrived.

A part of me is resisting getting to know the group. Not because they are bad people or their people skills suck, nah it's more that I hate ending up saying good bye because I know some how a part of me fears that this truly will be the last time I will be on tour. Another part fears that I will get to know them and then end up because of my allergy circumstance by myself for the rest of tour. I really do hate being alone but some how it's preventative medicine from really ending up hurt.

Then there is a part of me that is screaming just to be away from all that noise. Eating meals with 13 other people is a bit to much for me. I have developed a blocking around me where I can get really nervous around loud noises and tight places. I am trying to break out of it but it's hard. I know I will have to over come these obstacles if I am going to survive tour.

And what about how I am feeling? Well I feel...I am not sure. What do you mean? I like everyone so far, I struggle with putting myself out there. I am rather eccentric you know. But it's more than that...it's the feeling you are constantly on. Whatever that means. No down time I guess. I guess these coming weeks until I know, I will probably be asking myself "Where do I fit in?"

Mae

Today is Thursday

how to wonder if you are still alive. Try finding out if you are alive by simply listening to your heart beat. If it doesn't beat then you haven't lived.

Little seeming easy to understandable quotations like these help us get deeper into the issue thats underlining all of this confusion. It's never simple to really understand these until you have dug underneath the surface of the basic meaning.

So today was spent training to be better actors with acting games. It was something that I enjoy once in a while. We aren't into the script as of yet but then again we are still waiting for the rest of the team. The costumes were fitted so it worked.

My mind has stopped thinking as I am tired from the lack of sleep I have been getting. Also my body is not use to all of this yet.

Anyway I haven't talked to mom yet. I hope she is doing well.
That is all for today.
Mae

My Oh my what a wonderful day

So if things don't turn out as you hoped, turn to God and say it's going to be a beautiful day no matter what happens.
Today we got to play some theatre games. It kind of makes me feel that I am in Theatre camp. It was a pretty relaxed day. I did a bit of work projects, cleaning, sanitizing the kitchen stuff to sum up the work part of the day. After that we had dinner and then started to team bond. It was great.
What made this day wonderful is God worked through today despite the fact that it was pouring rain outside and inside my heart. God gives you patience to work with people in no matter what circumstance. Plus if you can't love them...God can love them through you. Just keep reminding yourself that love is not just words, it's actions in other words.

Some days it's just a little harder.

Since last tour, God has done a lot of personal healing in my life and I have over come a lot barriers. I am trying to be more positive because it's better to spread more positivity around than to be a negative Nancy. But I tell you this. It absolutely sucks! It's hard at times when you just want to be left alone to your own self. You can't though when you live in a group of 11 people in counting. We still have 3 more to join our traveling team. And when 9 of them are girls you know what that means.

So other than that, I am just chilling. They are getting the script ready again. So this means that I might just have to redo some of my lines. Which means that I might have to rememorize stuff...on the bright side it means challenge and with challenge it means growth and growth means getting closer to the One that consumes my heart.

So let the song sing "my oh my what a wonderful day. Plenty of Son Shine Plenty today....plenty of feelings happening today."

Mae

Today is like no other day...

Some days you feel like the pigeon and other days you feel like a happy go luck bird. Today I feel like I just steped into a Relient K song. Wow if I haven't said that before.

I have to go.
I will be back soon
Mae

Randomness...

Have you ever laughed so hard that your sides start to tremble and you actually feel pain from laughing so hard? Well it was one of them days down here. We had played a game which I couldn't contain my little body from doing a full body shake from laughing. It didn't get to the point that I had to pee my pants although that would be funny.

I feel much better today after I had some rest. I mean sleep does help. I got to excerise my skills as a photographer, but I can't take credit for the work since it was God's doing. I felt a bit over whelmed with a few things that I was saying in my head "God do you really want to choose me to do this??" I guess that is one area God wants to see His daughter worked on. He wants me to be proud and confident in what I do because He made me a equiped with it. It's like the book the Dream Giver. God has given me the skills and I should be humble about it. It means that I shouldn't think anything less of my self or more but that all Glory goes to God. Take that and think about what my one friend told me about how I insult God when I insult myself. Since I am God's creation, putting myself down would mean putting His art work to shame.

So after all that, I felt I owed the big guy a sorry note in person. Other than that, I have been having a very random thought day. Some of the expressions I use is way out of the ordinary. I think one day it will make a great book. The things you learn from life. That any other things I have been dreaming to do.

I think if I had a band it would be an interesting one. I want to play either the drums or the guitar. I would sing of course. I would write some songs and put it to a combination of sca, rock, punk, pop and techno. Wouldn't that be interesting!

Life for me hasn't been ordinary... it's been extraordinary and I hope it continues that way. After knowing death as it waits on anyone, I don't want to be able to see life as a blah blah blue kind of way. I want to live it. It's too short to come close to death. As humans I feel we take life as something we will have...but anyday we will be taken. I was thinking about all the stuff I haven't done in my life but even if I did died tomorrow I think I wouldn't be so sad to die. I have done what God has asked so far and that has fulfilled His purpose.

Yes there are some things that I still would like to happen in my life such as I want to raise my daughter that I will adopt one day from Asia,(I wouldn't mind if she was from China since so many wonderful little girls are abandoned each day.) I want to see her grow up and grow in Christ. I want to be there when she has to lay down in my arms and cry because she is heartbroken from the world, from people, from life, just like my mom has and continues to do for me. I want to raise a lot of kids like my mom and to go to their sports, drama, science or whatever they are involved in activies.

Not only that but I want to bless inner city kids who have never felt loved and be there for them to cry on and listen and really care. I want to do something to raise them up and help them become loving and wonderful people.

I want to fight the injustice in our world and make people stop to think about other things than their big fancy cars, homes and six figures. I want them to walk with their brother who has the cardboard box as his home, and the change from the streets as his income.

And I wouldn't mind it if I could find my soul mate. Some one that I actually feel I could submit to for the rest of my life. Some one who I would be proud to serve because of his fire for the only fire that has kept my beating heart alive, Jesus Christ. I wished upon a shooting star once, I was lucky enough to see two in the same night. Some how I figure that he saw it too from across this big world. And by chance, he rescues me from some horible fate of death. Someone who believes in the fairy tales where the prince has to go through many things to win his princess. And someone who from 65 years from now will still be inlove with me as if we just met. I see that in my deseased grandparents, and in my parents lives...but even with that said...I doubt that ever will come true since what my some of my very close friends said was true..."Unless you change your personality...you will never find someone mad enough to fall in love with you." And so far that is true.

Even with that said, I still have hope. God provided many of his faithful with the men and woman He chosed. So at the moment I have to wait and be content in my life now. I am very happy with it. Plus I have kept my lips pure just for him. I am always praying that God will keep him pure for me too. Like the song "Wait for Me" by Rebeca St. James. If she can hold strong, so am I.

Besides the above important stuff that I still want to happen in my life, there is the unimportant stuff like wanting to travel the world. Most people have a few destinations but my heart so desires to travel the world. Or at least visit one country from each continent.

Well that's my random ness of thought for today.

Mae

Arrived, safely but unwelcomed...boarder Nazi

Well here I am folks. On the road again, one day I'll be coming home but for now I am writing on the road. I pretty much feel sick to the stomach since I have gotten a sleep in the last 24 hours. I managed to force my body into a 1 hour cat nap but that was it. The fresh feeling lasted about 10 mins then now I feel like a dog just pooped on me. Yup so here I am writing to you from the office. Tired and exhausted is not a strong enough word to use. More like I feel the pit of the ocean slaped me into the belly of a gaint whale.

Anyway so my trip down? Well I was suppose to have a four hour lay over but that never happened since the plane had some problems. I ended up having a good conversation about the world events with my seat partner. That was good. It's nice to have a bit of conversation like that since well since I last had a conversation back in Journalism school. Anyway the point being I am still alive, they took a long time but finally got the plane up. The other tour girl and I ran to the US customs trying to get through without hassel so that we can catch our flight. What happened is that they said we weren't missionary volunteers since we got paid 10$ an day....who get's paid 10$ a day with it being a 12-16 hour work day?? I guess they must have thought we made the big bucks!! So needless to say we ended up having some trouble at customs. After that we had to ask the gate holder dude to see if he could make an earlier flight out. He did that was great. Something to be thankful for. We ended up taking a plane at 5:50pm rather than 7:45pm.

Well that was interesting. I didn't sleep on the plane but at least I wasn't alone. I knew my friend on tour. By the way I didn't know this until she said hi to me at the airport. Another Serendipty. "A Pleasant Surprise". I wish I had a lot more Serendipity in my life. Well I also found out that another friend is coming. So that's great.

One thing that I would like is for people to start calling me Mae. Unfornately my "nick name" is still sticking. If I could I would burn that name up and use my chinese name. I think it's because my chinese name has more power attached to it. I should get it changed like Homer Simpson to Max Powell.

Anyway so we had a great morning service. I stayed awake with the help of coffee.

Until we meet again.

Cheers,
Mae

Quotes

I had to put this one down after reading it.

"If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well." -- Martin Luther King Jr.

Tomorrow I leave the great land of the snow...

So I am excited, nervous, sad, happy about leaving tomorrow morning. I will miss my family and it's hard for me to leave them once again because I love them so much. I will really miss my two kick butt sisters because they are the best friends a girl can have. They rock so much. I will also miss my mom cause me and her are tight. I don't think I could have asked for a better mother, daughter relationship.

However, I will be looking forward to my tour family. I will be glad to see my tour sisters who absolutely rock. I will be looking forward to see the changing effect the gospel has on the people here and overseas. I will be looking forward to tour. It always gives me the rush of excitement when I face a new challenge and the unknown. I think my body knows more about that than my mind because my body is freaking out. When I get really stress, my body kicks into lets bubble up into rashes and stuff because it's stress. I just gotta learn to calm down.

So from tomorrow on I will be posting not as often but you can enjoy a readable venture of my daily happenings from the road.

Peace out
Mae

Lately the weather has been so bi-polar and consequently so have I

My mood had become very sad today. Since it started snowing. I thought it was funny that Relient K had a song like that.

We were talking together: I said, "What's up with this weather?": Don't know whether or not How sad I just got: Was on my own volition: Or if I'm just missing the sun.

And tomorrow I know will be rainy at best, and the forecast I know is that I'll be depressed but I'll wait outside hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun.

Because on and off the clouds have fought for control over the sky. And lately the weather has been so bi-polar and consequently so have I.

But now I'm sunny with a high of 75 since you took my heavy heart and made it light and its funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive.

And the temperature is freezing and then after dark, there's a cold front sweeping in over my heart and we might break up if I don't wake up to the sun.

It seems that everyone is still concern with what I am going to do with my life. I am not as concerned as everyone, I have many skills and I am still discovering more. I have a plan but it's not what people want to hear. Trusting in the Lord to lead and guide me. I am not sure where I will be but I know that I love adventure and stuff. I am not meant to stay in an office my whole life.

Who knows.

Mae

So I got up still feeling sick

I am not sure what it was, maybe the lotion I put on or the nut products I ate but I have been getting my allergies.

Anyway I just thought I would ask anyone who reads this to pray for our tour team. We are still missing two guys for the production to run and well that's important. If it was something that wasn't important I wouldn't be calling out to anyone to read this to pray. This is an important ministry and impacts many of the people we are trying to reach. So if you have a minute please pray for our team that we have a full team.

Mae

Hey all, it's the New Year, 2005! May this year bring the best out of everyone. God Bless. I am trying to fix my hair that is too short to do anything with but not long enough to pull back. Tell me what you think. Mae 

just simple!

Well today was a good day considering that I have finally finish packing. Only after 2 weeks of in and out of packing did I finally decided that yup that's IT!! No more packing for my trip. I hope I can be happy with the stuff I brought. If not well lets not go there.

So inbetween packing, I managed to sneak in a movie, The Day After Tomorrow. Slow beginning but the action and suspense was good. Also I managed to get some paper work done. I haven't finished all the work on filing my visa bills in a nice little order but I cleaned it up a bit. I also organized my wonderful print outs of stuff...everything from my in process scripts to tad bits of funny information found on the world wide web. It works out that I have a nice folder for these things. They are now looking more organized than ever.

So I was thinking about finishing my visa stuff up as well as my scrapbook on my hockey team that I like. It will help clear some other stuff up in my room.

Overall my room has been neat. Bags are pack and I am ready to go. Trying to keep myself worry free by taking care of the little details. My plane leaves on Saturday morning and I am hoping I can survive without my room for about 5 months. After that, I am not sure what my plans of actions will be. Oh yeah I still have to apply for college once again. Sigh if that wasn't a pain in the butt.

Until then....oh yeah and a quote from Breakfast at Tiffany's

"It will take you exactly four seconds to walk to the door. I will give you 2!"

Isn't that a great line :)

Introvert by Nature...The product of what I became

It seems that ever since I have left tour, miss Mae has changed into the most introverted person I know. I guess my very escape is what you see on these pages where I can say what I need to say without worry. Shyness or just afraid of having the world condemn me for me what ever has caused this change.

What seems like an ever growing cycle in my life of extremes is finally wearing out on me...Or is it just trying to find it's balance between extremities?

To those who knew me far before my first tour, this is after I was saved, remember a very hyper happy girl. I am still happy but part of me has become distant. It's a weird change and it worries my friends. They wonder what's up with me, since I am not the same person I was before. Some of them thought I was sad or I wasn't enjoying my time spent with them because I wasn't speaking my mind, or talking up a storm. They were confused by my quietness, and withdrawn introvert persona I displayed.

I still talk up a storm, but not to people, just to my journal. I don't know what is the cause of this. Maybe Miss Mae has finally run out of things to say or maybe it's the company. I feel astranged with the people I knew. They are still the same but some how I am not. This line is from the song 36 days by Hawk Nelson...it's how I feel.

I feel so alive, though a part of me is gone. And this life I lead, is the life I've dreamed of since I was the age of twelve.

I guess I just have become withdrawn from the world or maybe just prefer the comfort of a good book/movie at home rather than people that I am unfamiliar with these days. It's like I can't communicate to anyone these days. My old friends are still there, but I am not the same person I use to be. I wonder if anyone else feels the same way.....

Happy New Years

God Bless this day, this minute, and my every waking hour and let me be reminded that in this New Year, every day is a blessing because You gave Your life for mine.

~To discover who we are, we must first discover who we are not. ~

This quote was on a friend's of mines msn message. It rings so true in the New Year. This year I want to be the person I was intended to be. Revived in the spirit, loved as a child of God, and growing each day, in peace, love and happiness.

Over the past few years in my walk with Jesus, it's been a bumpy road. Some days I felt that the presence of God was so strongly in my life that it just radiated from my very smile. I couldn't contain it even if I wanted to and it had to shine out to all God's children.

Then there were days when I thought I would flood the world with my tears that poured out my heart and winter winds descended over my very soul. Crushing me and pushing far from the surface that the air I breathed was toxic. A soul that was so far from God that even had made the Pharises look saintly. It was a deep dark descend into my own making.

Through all of these moments, God has been there molding me, breaking me and transforming me. I may not be a fully grown butterfly as of yet but the transformation is there. To discover who we are, we must first discover who we are not. In everything I have learnt about myself the most important thing is this, that I am a work of art and I am constantly being worked at by the one who loves and created me. One day I shall shine brightly because I will be in His presence for all eternity.

I will not give up on life.

The world may give on me, love may fail, relationships become like a distant sail boat out in the sea, but I will not give up on living. I will fight to live in the very presence of God, I will fight against the one who seeks to destroy me and make me my worst enemy. For I am not alone. My God will stand for me and will be the very strength, the rock on which I stand.

This is my resolution. To stand firm in Christ. To find out who I am not, so that I may find out who I am.

Happy New Year, this year and many more to come.

Miss Mae

Happy New Years

Happy New Years... went to a bar... didn't drink although my friends did. Saw two live bands which was great. Loved the electric guitar.
Happy New Years.