La vie ennuyeux, et occupé en même temps

It just sounds better in French. Today I spent my time doing laundry and getting head shots and resumes printed out as well as going through school stuff. It almost seems that figuring out my future plans is a full time job all to its self.

So my day was boring but productive. I managed to finish e-mailing back every tom, dick and Harry on my list of e-mails. That was good because I have been meaning to do that in a while. Plus I started working on a snail mail to a friend. I also enjoyed going through my closet and drawers for clothing that I wish to donate to Good Will.

This is the boring life of Miss Mae as she lives a simple life. Oh and I went to church today although it was a Saturday because I know am a regular Saturday church attendee. Plus I am hoping to be more actively involved with my home church. I am involved in the Kids ministry this fall at my other church and I am looking into auditioning for community theatre this fall as well. Plus I hope to take some kind of course so that my brain will be stimulated once again since my job is not stimulating my brain as much as I hoped for. However I love working at my job, it's a piety that there exist only 2 weeks left of it. Then I will be seeking out employment once again.

So that's life in a nut shell and yes Miss Mae it's time for bed.

Thinking about the Long weekend.......

Well it's a long weekend. Yup. Nothing planned except trying to juggle the remaining portion of my entire existence on planet earth. It's nothing, just like superman saving the world. Ah the joy of sarcasim except you can't really hear my view since it's written and for all I know everyone's voice on the web is different.

So how did I start my long weekend off? Well for one thing I stayed in bed. It was a long week of getting up at 6:00 am and going to bed late that I just decided it would be a good day to sleep in. Although I was going to wake up at 8 which turned to 9 which finally rolled me out of bed at 10:15ish in the morning.

I was going to go the Library but I decided to stay home but it only closes at 5 pm today so I might just go later if I feel like it. So why don't I call up some friends to hang with this weekend? Well I don't know, it seems logical but when you have a lot to do, you tend not to want to plan more but let others do the planning.

Okay so what is next I don't know.
Humm let me think a little more about life.

Talk to ya later,
Mae

To be or Not To be that is my question

Quietly it's been bothering me all day. In the surroundings of the busy office while I was at my desk swamped with work I wonder what am I to be. Lately as this week, this month has gone by I wonder and ponder a lot about what exactly am I suppose to do. I know in my heart I wanted to act since I was a child but the cheap stench of fear still strikes at my heart about where my limits are and where I must dread to go in order to make my dream my reality.

It's this same fear that holds me back from living life. I try so hard to shake it but I guess the only way to disengage fear from the grip it has on your life is to look fear straight into it's face. To face fear means certain death? Or does it mean a chance that maybe the dream will become reality.

The process of deciding on which school to attend and more so how will I be able to afford it when I reach that stage is overwhelming and confusing. There, as in when I reach that stage, is filled with obstacles on the path that you can barely see the dream anymore. The dream seems like a great distant away that to follow and pursue may never come. I am not sure what is worst, the feeling that I might fail, or the feeling that I will succeed greatly. Either extreme is like walking on the tight rope, leaning a tad to either side could leave you fatally dead.

I look at my worst enemy: time. If only I had more time to figure out the details, if only I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't be so worried about the decisions. It's because I didn't know then what I now know, it was only through the journey which has helped me discover this passion of what I want to do. Now the hard part is that with given the little time frame to go out and do just what I plan to do. It's making the right decisions which has caused me to panics. Not so much the decision but the little in between and the obstacles getting there.

So to be or not to be, this is my question of my fate.
To run, or to hide, to face my fear,
gentle listeners lend an ear,
is the question I create.

Mae

Raining once more

I woke up to the out cry of mother nature banging on my window pane. It was a Sunday morning but I swear at 6:21 am it was a Monday morning and I was late for work. This rare occurrence could have been the cause of a brain that has been trained for Sunday Church being the day before Monday syndrome where the related events tells the brain that it's a Sunday resulting in a Monday for the following day.

I have been going to church on Saturday but my brain in the subconscious hours of the night related church to being a Sunday thing since for the majority of my church going life the past few years it has always been a Sunday. So in the end results my brain was just doing what came natural from learnt behavior and was alerting me to the fact the following day would be a Monday which would be the start of another work week.

Either way, I ended up for whatever the natural or un-natural cause with a slight fright in the wee hours of the morning.

Lately as I have been thinking about my life, I am still coming across with the questions that boggle down my mind. It's of the future, and sometimes that seems meaningless to ponder about something that you have no full control over. I was talking to my sister last week as we drove home from work about the patterns in life.

If you look at life, nothing seems to be without some sort of pattern. You could find a pattern in everything if you look hard enough. This lead me to believe that maybe there is a secret hidden in this. Maybe the world is not filled with random events as some of us are lead to believe but in fact it's all part of the masters design. I mean if you look at the scientific levels of things, cells are all built on a systematic pattern where it is fitted together like a well oiled machine. Therefore if the simple things in life are built with a blue print, who says that there is no fundamental reason for our lives to be based on a blue print. After all life exist in the realm of time but time doesn't start and end like the clock on the wall. It's in itself is a pattern in which goes where we say or not. So what if things are meant to happen now because it has already effected the outcome of tomorrow's events. Even though this is happening doesn't mean you can't leave everything to the pattern of life but you must make the choices or it will change the pattern of tomorrow so that is where the choice comes in to play.

Anyway that's just something I have been thinking about. You can take it as it is or throw it away. Just a theory anyway.

Other than that, I have been trying to look into other opportunities to further my education. I am not sure what God wants me to do but I hope I make the right choice. That and the other financial burdens have been plaguing my mind as I seek to find the right decision in which my career path will be directed.

For the rest of the day I will work on work notes and prepare to get some writing done. I think writing is a unique tool in which my brain can clearly express the thoughts that boggle it down so much.

Love Miss Mae

Walking toward the eye of the storm

This morning after I had gotten to bed 6 hours ago I heard my dad talking about things that are life changing to my life. It's like everyone is busy planning your life except you. If I could step out of my own body and watch the effects that everyone else's plan of actions regarding my life, I would find that the picture would be gray and not a spot of colour. I would be in the middle, everything around would be hopelessly blurred and I would be just standing there looking helpless.

I feel drained. No more correct I feel like I have hit a major storm in my life and there are days when I would rather die than get up to face another day. I try to not allow myself to get to that point when it would be close to becoming my reality. I am a fighter, or at least I am trying to hang on to hope. Some days it feels that the only good thing about waking up is that God says there is hope and dawn will come.

Point forward, I know that life is not suppose to be easy for the living. God never said it would, but he said that we have hope in Jesus. It's just hard to deal with the reality of the statement of actually living through the difficult times when hope just is always out of your reach. Never easy to grasp, always far from your own tips of your finger tips. But it's there so you keep reaching for the impossible.

With my grandma being sick, and sister marrying to someone that I can't understand why she would go to some one who doesn't treat her like she deserves, with amounting debt from a mortgage that I can't afford but some how it's suppose to be good for me. With the possibility that I will be unemployed for a while and no income. Where do you find the possibility to hope?
Simply in this, that life could be worst, but it's not. That life here is temporary and that what you work toward will only perish like wood thrown into fire. You are only really building up the person you will be in the afterlife from the person you become now. You are given circumstances to challenge to grow, to make and mold you into the tree you were suppose to be rather than the seedling you are now.

That is where I find hope.

Please be reminded of that Miss Mae when you look upon the disaster called the storms of your life. Look at the peaks of light that come if you focus on the Eye of the storm.
Mae

Sunday

Today was like most days, getting up is the first step to surviving the day. I went to church today and focused on what God was trying to say to me. I don't know exactly what that was but I was there.

It later occured to me while at home in the silence of the room that I wanted to visit my grandmother today. She is suffering a lot and it brings me to tears to see her suffer. If I could do something I would but I don't think there is anything I can do.

Anyway it brings sadness to my heart.

When I got home they had the Natalie Grant song that I liked. I never knew it was a really sad song.

Here are the lyrics.

Held – Natalie Grant
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:This is what it means to be held.How it feels when the sacred is torn from your lifeAnd you survive.This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.How it feels when the sacred is torn from your lifeAnd you survive.This is what it is to be loved.And to know that the promise wasWhen everything fell we’d be held.Bridge:If hope is born of suffering.If this is only the beginning.Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.How it feels when the sacred is torn from your lifeAnd you survive.This is what it is to be loved.And to know that the promise wasWhen everything fell we’d be held.

The Enigma of Green Eyes

There is something to be said about the mystery of the green eyes. Yes a mystery in which I always wanted to understand. People with green eyes are mysterious, like they are hiding something and ordinary people want to find out just that. Some eyes are some what misguiding and full of adventure, danger, and very alluring and will bring you under their spell of hypnosis. That's the mystery of the green eyes. In Chinese legend, the story behind the green eyes is that the person is not human but a ghost living on earth. Whether that is true or not according to theory, I find the green eyes maintain that memorizing and fascinating appeal like the eyes of a cat.

So when I got my contacts, I ended up going from dark mouse eyes to the enigma of green. It's not as deep of green as I wanted it to be, but when you are going from mousy black, it's hard to find a colour that will hide the natural pigments of the eye. Although I find it extremely dry to wear contacts in my home town, it was something I always wanted to rid me of the chain of wearing glasses.

This past week has put me back into the laziness of just sitting around and doing nothing after the working hours. It was a bit stressful because of all the set backs with the publication but some how I managed to get through it and was called back for yet another week at the office. It's definitely something to think about. When I look back at the two weeks I thank God for providing me a job and I know that he will provide my next step after this month is over. As to what I will be doing to earn money for school that to is my provocative. I have no means of knowing what the future will bring till I get there.

I haven't been able to discipline myself to write on my novel. It's not that I don't want to but I lack the discipline because coming home from work leaves me tired and then I just feel like doing something less demanding on my brain. This has started me watching the Korean Soap Opera with my sisters. In the weekend my days are filled with errands that never got finished during the week because of work and then it's chores and little time to write.

Well I better start getting back into the trend. Lately I also have bought some nice clothes and have been dressing up more. Following different trends but I have been making an attempt to redefine my bank book so that I will have money for school next fall.

Anyway that is my day so far.

Miss Mae

Korean Soaps, Computer Screens, and Butterflies

So in three simple words I summed up my past few days.....well sort of. The past few days bonding with my sisters has ended up together yelling at the t.v. or the computer which ever one is playing the VCD of our Korean Soap Opera called Full House. It's actually a cute story and has us bonding over something like "Fighting, Aza Aza". If you don't get that, it's okay because it's a saying from the movie.

While getting into that series of a love triangle, or as my sisters say a rectangle, that's how I spent my time. I am so not discipline when I should be writing my own novel I end up watching that movie. Oh well good thing it's only 16 shows of 1hr and 20 mins.

Work today was stressful but I had to tell myself not to cry. Actually at lunch I was about to cry because I almost thought I couldn't handle it when God provided a little black butterfly with a white design on it's wings. He reminded me of the transformation of my life and that even the butterfly had trouble getting out of the tough shell but the results was life. I think I have a tendency to run from things that scare me because I am afraid of failing but then sometimes you just need a little butterfly to remind you the best yet to come.

So afterwork I ended up getting my contacts. I picked the colours green, grey and a purple. They should be in this week :) Yeah.

Anyway that's all folks.

"Aza Aza Fighting"
Miss Mae

Last Night

I don't know if anyone ever felt like this: when thoughts wander in their heads about if they weren't to wake up tomorrow would anyone seriously miss them?

Last night after having an argument with a friend who I haven't seen in a year or so left me in tears. I stayed up thinking about why people are generally mean to me and why they try to bring me down. Most of all why they seem to forget the damage done.

It has taken me a while to get over the hurtful things and I wonder if I am truly over them. Only time says that it will heal the wounds of the broken hearted but how much time must pass before that happens?

There are days when I wish that if I just start fresh in a new life things would be better. I almost felt borderline suicidal last night because of all the disappointment in the people around me. Then this morning I got up and thought to myself these few precious items in my life.

1. That here I am still living while I remember when I had a scare of dying might have been a reality that I wanted to live.
2. I have a loving family, my sisters and my parents love me a lot. Sometimes they don't show it but they love me because of the times they do.
3. Amazingly I have a great life, I have done things that not many people have done, I have been lucky to travel and act, and now I am going after my dreams. Not many people can say that.
4. I have a great God who loves me a heck of a lot. He died so I could live and that makes life worth living, because of that spectacular love.

I am not going to let that bring me down, I am going to fight for my life.

Mae Mae

I want to cry but big girls don't so I am going to blog instead

The past days have made me more and more just hate my life. I don't know why. Maybe it's because the nagging feeling that I should be doing something else with it, or the fact that I want to be acting and I am not. The very heart of me wants to escape but I have nothing to really escape from.

I mean the job is not bad, and the people are great, the pay is good and it's only for a month but I feel like I am in a desperate situation in which my own life feels like a prison. I have nothing really to complain about except the nagging feeling in which my own existence has become meaningless and serves no purpose. I am not needed by anyone really, I am replaceable and will be replaced......so I guess I feel I don't belong because I believe that I belong some where else but where??

This year will be hard because for the first time in 3 years I will be in one spot. Home or the place I have to call home even though it doesn't feel like it.

I guess I just got to face the reality that everyone has to work but I sometimes think maybe that there is a place I will find happiness in doing what I do best.

That's just a quick summary.

Mae

Why is it that when life is happening it feels like a whirl wind?

Ah the mystery of life. No one can understand it except God the creator. Some days you know it's going to be a interesting day when you wake up to the voice of your dad yelling at you to tell you that your optometrist is on the phone only to get you out of bed early. Oh alright not so early in the morning but when you are sleeping in on a Saturday any disturbance to your pattern of sleep is early.

So I started my day cranky but that's only because I was never born a morning person. Now I will never be a morning person even though I have been trying to become one for the past few years. My brain just wants to awake like the patterns of our hamster Tom Tom who believes night is day and day is night. So there fore it refuses to allow me to be pleasant the first 10-20 minutes of starting my day. It also has a very bad habit of kicking in with a ton of creative juice when the normal world knows it's time to turn in for the night.

What exactly have I been up to these days? Well everything and nothing. Everything because my life seems to have no slow motion button and has been traveling around me like Circus Joe. In other words my life has been a circus but rather normal like Joe. What I mean is that it is pretty normal for my life to be a Circus. Well that's done rather nicely. So what is on the tube? Well I have been quite interested in a few t.v. series as of late, from repeats of outer limits, to the Gilmore girls, to CSI and to Veronica Mars. I find the story lines interesting as I try to solve the characters problems and outcomes.

During the day I am ever in the soap opera of my job situation until recently when my sister has helped me put my foot in the door of a temporary job which is closer to my own field training.
I have been working on my resumes and looking into finding something to do between the working hours and the time I get sleep, though I have been writing and reorganizing my room into a more cleaner place.....I don't know how it will get cleaner but it's my obsessive compulsive behavior that makes me want to keep things in order. So I have been redoing a lot of things to make it more perfect.

Other than that, I am thinking about taking a language class, or a class in theatre to prepare me for school next year.

So that's life by the book!

Miss Mae, Miss Me not.

And Who says life isn't a box of chocolates?

This past week has been interesting. SO much has happened within the course of a week that I just had to sit back and allow God to do his thing. So with my job situation being on and off, I finally manage to bring some sense of stability within that area. As I said before don't work for family but since I have an interview on Monday that whole situation can be put away for now.

So this week left me to take my drivers test in which I passed. Yeah just took me like forever! Also as I said before I wanted to get contacts, well this week I went and had my eye appointment. It only took me 3 hours of unsuccessful trying to get the little pieces of jelly stuff in which was not good because I have to go back to try my luck again. The lady managed to pop one of them in my left eye but the right eye just wouldn't take that sort of punishment.

And did you know why? Well I think it's because my eyes refuse to want to be a green colour. They absolutely hate the colour and so I think that is why they don't want to have the jelly stuff put on them. Seriously though, I think it's because I have a mega defense system on my eye lids so it's harder to get me to keep them open while an object is being thrown into them.

Besides that, I went through my loads of old paper work to discard the papers that were out dated. I managed to make 3 workable resumes, non of which I made through Microsoft instant Resume maker.

I have been teaching myself a few cords on the guitar and I have been continuing to work on my novel.

Tom Tom

Well I have made myself a new friend. He doesn't mind me calling him Tom Tom because that is his name. He also is more of a night party guy. He sleeps through the day and well he is soooo cute! I just hope fishy doesn't get jealous. Tom Tom was given to us by my sister Tracey to take care of during the summer. Well actually, he is more of Tina's pet than mine but he is the cutest little hamster ever! So small that I actually think he looks more like a mouse than a hamster. I call him Hamtaro sometimes. I have absolutely have fallen in love with him though. He sleeps during the day though and decides to go crazy at night time which is bad since I can hear him from my room.

Anyway that is all for today.

Happy Canada Day!!! Love always Miss Mae