When do I have the time anymore?!!

So not even taking a week off, and being fully burnt out today do I find myself in a greater pressure cooker than before. I have been on tour so I know how to handle stress, but this stress that I am coming up against is different.

I don't have time to get the things I need to get done done and I am going to start crying like a baby soon!! Plus my birthday is coming up and well if you were me you would cry too.
The whirlwind of caos is this, I started a new job with very little training and now I will in a month have to cope on my own. So I guess what happened is that I was put into a career without even knowing about it and now I am stuck!

So without further adieu, I leave this message: AS best as I can, Relient K says it best

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fateThis one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption because I know to live you must give your life awayAnd I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the keyAnd I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of meAnd even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going becauseI gotta get outta here I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistakeI gotta get outta here And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

Mae

Seeking something higher

What is it about thinking during the late hours of night that a person can really dive deeper into their own thought patterns? After a great wedding and reception, (congratulation to my friend Mo and his beautiful bride Jocelyn who I pray will have a long and happy marriage filled with wisdom) I came home tired from all the food and dancing.

As I laid myself to sleep my mind wanders toward things that are of a higher importance. I tend to have nights where all I can do is think instead of sleep. This is my quiet time with God. Although I have tried to a rise early to seek Him first thing in the morning, it is only in the stillness and darkness of night that I am truly alone with Him and my thoughts.

You can hear the night birds chirping and the few cars that fly by on the road by my house, but mostly you hear the sounds of the night winds knocking up against the house. When the sound settles for the night, if you are still awake at that time, your heart beat is the loudest thing you will hear and the beat is soothing and comforting. Some how you realize the most important things in life are the things that get drowned out by the very busyness that you sought out during the day.

Quietly I lay on the bed with my eyes shut, listening to the beat of my own heart beat and it occurred to me that what I want most in life is to serve God. Everyone wants to know what career I will be doing whether it's in the fine arts field, social justice field, or science. What the question they should be asking is whether or not I am happy with the life that I currently lead. The answer to that is yes. You see I could just pick a career and invest 10, 20 or even 30 years working and perfecting my talents in whatever job I wish to pursue. In the end, the out come would be a house, kids, and something in-between. It's what everyone does in this North American society right?

What if there is more to life than that? I mean there is nothing wrong with a family, I hope to have one someday God willing but is there more than the box we live in? That's what I am seeking out, I want to find out what is outside pandora's box of the life we live in from the Western world view point.

Yes I have many opportunities to build a career for mysef. I can't remember how many times I have been told that I am wasting my brains and talents. That I could be earning a lot of cash flow if I just focused or that I am going the wrong way and messing up my life according to the gospel of other people's standards of living. What is really important to me is that am I following God and doing something that will further His Kingdom. After all I am just a soldier in this war we call life and if I am not doing something to help others and making my life worth living then I am just another causality of war. A fallen leaf from a tree that's past it's season.

So this is my thoughts for today as I go through and seek this continual journey.
1. I don't have it all figured out but at least I am seeking the answers and that to me is the first step.
2. Time is limited and I want to live my life to whatever is pleasing to His eyes. After all we don't know what tomorrow will bring, we don't even know if there will be a tomorrow.
3. To get is great, but to give is better. If I live my life taking I gain nothing, if I live my life giving, I would have made a world of difference for others and gained ten times from changing a life.

Well it's been good writing to you today.

This is the life we live,
If life is all we have to give.
This is the life we have today,
This is my life, the life of Miss Mae.

Miss Mae, the Girl with Attitude

I just love Saturdays!! Not only did I not have to wake up to go to work but I got to go to a wedding. Ah a wedding in May that sounds perfect. It was a great wedding since my friend Mo who is a lot older finally got married and he was so happy. I am so happy he found his perfect mate. I think it's great to see so many people in love. My friend Vanessa is getting married in November and that's so sweet to.

Ah.....Love what a grand thing if you found it.

My Dream
In my dream the other night, I dreamt the most strangest thing. Just to let you know it had nothing to do with the fact that I had ribs right before I went to bed.....Seriously it didn't. I dreamt I was a scientist working on biolecular micro-organism with my colleges. What happened next was disaster as someone stole the contents of the lab and meddled with it making it a dangerous world wide out break of this virus that kills a lot of people and makes them really strange creatures that kill to eat flesh and stuff. It was almost like that stupid game that was made into a movie. The funny part was this, instead of putting the infected people in a cage, the ones that were not infected were put into safe compounds.....so I was trying to be the hero and get some of the old lab material that was the cure but I was attacked. Luckily this handsome dude stepped in and rescued me only to get infected and thrown out of the compound. The funny part was that the dude was my husband and so it made sense for him to rescue his damsel in distress. While he hadn't transformed into the monster like the other infected people I managed to talk to him over the compound walls and tell him that I was going to give birth to his child. Then later in the dream, (believe me I can have some weird ones) I was eating dinner with some of the other compound people and behind a glass wall were some of the infected but not yet turned people. My sister in my dream decided to give them some food but then a spider on the infected side bit her and she had to stay there. Other events happened and then I gladly awoke from that strange dream.

So back to reality, don't eat food before bed or you might end up with some strange dreams and stuff. In the real world, I have been trying to focus my energy on one degree instead of trying to take over the entire planet of degrees. I am still also trying to figure out what school, when and why. I don't really need much of anything to start doing what I want to do except maybe the law school part if I decide to become a lawyer but I am like the little mermaid and I want more. I mean I see all my friends in their work and their field and I couldn't be happy doing one thing for the rest of my entire life on this so called earth. I don't want to be stuck but I want to live a life finding out, learning and never stop discovering all that is in life. I want to travel to Israel, I want to go to the far countries of this world and eat and live with the natives of that country. I don't really want a home. Now what do I want.....that I don't really know.....yet. The world is a vast land in which I want to go out and find what I am looking for. I know what I don't want. I don't want to live the life that everyone else is living. I don't want a job where I do the same thing over and over, but I want to live on the edge. I don't want to come home to an apartment, house where I spend time there. I don't want to live with my family in a stable community where every thing is safe. I guess what I want is to live.

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now what is wrong with that?

Reporting live from the home of Miss Mae, you got an attitude thing.

It's been busy....long day

There are many things to do in life. Some of them aren't worth doing. To update you on how my past few days were spent here it is.

On Tuesday this week, I gathered all the might in my body to get myself up at the butt crack of dawn. This being after a painfully restless night awakened after an hour after I had retired for the night. My cousin who haven't seen in 4 months came to drop his younger brother off and thought that it might be an interest of mine to see him that very night. So after my heart had returned to my body I got out of bed and greeted him with a snarl. After all who likes to be awoken right after you have gone to sleep. Needless to say I appreciated his thoughts of wanting to see me and by the time I said good bye I was not as snarly as I started out to be.

Anyway the reason I had to get up at 6:00am was the reason that I decided to take the bus down to my job. I took the bus and arrived early, 40 mins early. So I stayed outside and read for 10 mins before meandering inside the building, only to find out that there was nothing for me to do. So for half an hour I was wandering around the office trying to entertain myself.

The day was a little hectic as the patients came in and out. I survived that day. It felt good because I felt I got to help some people that day and not just be a filebot.
file bot: one who's life purpose is to replace the robot in filing items over and over again.

So that night I slept a little better.

The following Wednesday I was busy and trying to get into the groove of things. The day past by but after work took forever. The process of me getting home, and all the news from the day filled my head giving me a lot to think about. The thing that made me really feel alive was the fact that I got to hang with my sister that night. We went shopping and just had a lot of fun. That's one of the reasons I missed home. I missed hanging with my sisters.

Now we are updated to Thursday. I got to work early. The best part of my day was sitting by the river and praying to God. Wisdom is a wonderful thing to pray for because without wisdom, you are living life foolishly.

Anyway that's my day. I can't say the rest of the day was eventful but this part of my day was.

Living the day with God at my side.
Miss Mae

And The Word Came Power!  

Done all my e-mail

It's good to feel that you've accomplished the smallest and most mundane task of emptying out your in-box by replying to all the recipients with a hearty letter.
So the rest of the day I can work on writing, coffee with friends and a good book.

This is the shortest blog entry I have ever done.
Miss Mae

It's Sunday but at least I don't have to work tomorrow

I woke up this morning dreading the day because the day that follows is a Monday and well now that I am home, Monday's mean it's going to be a work day. Yup Monday = work! However fate will have it that tomorrow's Victoria Day. Lucky for me that means holiday since I am going to be on a 9 to 5 schedule.

So I finally got my tour scrapbook done. This one however is missing a few pictures because Wal-mart decided that it no longer has 3 day multi-service but 10 day multi-service. If I had known that I would have brought my film somewhere else. Hopefully the pictures will be okay though.

Next Saturday will be my friends wedding. It's great to see people happy and getting married. My mom wish that my sister would finally get married but there is no luck in that department....it's a soap opera believe me.

It's funny that I have only been home for about over 1 week and I am trying to escape this place. I am already looking into other opportunities to do some ministry work overseas. The only problem I face now is that I am determined to at least stay put for a year at home. That means no more trying to leave. I am gathering some information on weekend University so that I can apply for the fall. This would be great since I can finish off that stupid degree of mine just to have another paper on the wall that says I have achieved something.

Anyway my breakfast is getting cold and it's almost time for lunch. Till I write again
Live from your electric box, The Life of Miss Mae

I feel FaT!! Well at least for a few moments of the day.

Today I went to try on a pair of pants, and it was a size 7!!! Ok so there are plenty of beautiful woman who wear size 7 and many others who would love to be a size 7 but today I am feeling really ugly. Why should a pair of jeans at Walmart make me feel that way? Well considering that I use to be a size 3 and some pants size 5 only 4 months ago and now to jump from a 3 to a 7 makes a girl feel a little uncomfortable.

In my family the greeting I have been hearing since arriving home is "You've gained weight" and I know it's suppose to be a compliment but how am I suppose to take that in. I feel like people are going whale watching when they see me. My family's first words since coming home from my absent since Jan 8 was not how my hair was perm, or that I got tanned but how I gained weight. My sister is a size 1 so you know what this makes me feel like.

Anyway I will love my body some days when I am not obsessing about looking thinner. I use to care more about that and then it became my down fall.

I guess it's not really in the weight but the fact that I use it as excuse on why I am still single. According to my family, I should be with some one and because I am not then something is truly wrong with me. Then because of this, I know I should know better by now, I look in the mirror and say to myself, I will be 23 next month and I am not worthy to be loved by any guy...might as well sell myself short on e-bay!!

Thankfully I stop right there and I look at my eyes. Yup blessed with beautiful eyes and who cares that I am not taken at the present time. I am bootylicious on somebody's terms and there are lot of single successful woman out there that proves that just because you're not dating doesn't mean you're a failure at life. Besides when I think about it, it's not about how many male partners you have had in life, but how long they lasted in a happy marriage till death do you part. Frankly I have never married. If a do that would be great, if I don't that will be great as well. It's what's in the Lord's plans that count.

A part of me has been trying to maintain it's level of confidence since returning home. Tour has taught me that confidence and I am not going to allow my family or driving record stand in the way. You see tour has taught me to be more tough. If it weren't for the blessings of having tour brothers, I would never have to learn to be tough. Some of their rentless teasing has made me believe in myself.

I don't care whatever any male has to say about me behind my back or in-front of me, cause the truth be told is that I am not their woman to be complaining about and thankfully so. If I had to deal with them on that level, please take me to the nunnery! On top of that, some guys just try to put me down because they know they don't have a chance with me.

I know who I am in God's eyes. I am stronger than I thought I could ever be. I am not going to let others intimidate me as I had in the past, because while drifting in one of my nightly thoughts, I come to this conclusion. People put others down because they are insecure of the greatness they see before them. All the great people in our time who actually did make a difference where those who were put against great trials.

Stand up and fight to be who you are meant to be!

Miss Mae got her groove back.

What?! It's Thursday already??

Ok so the last I checked it was Tuesday. However since working in the office I have begun to think my days are going to fly by because it is something that I should be use to by now. In about 2 more weeks I will be 23 years old. I already forgotten my birthday. Yesterday my aunt asked me when was my birthday and I said June 3rd....it took me a few moments to realize that I was not born on the 3rd but on the 6th. So Then I corrected myself on that rather important detail.

I have only been at the office for 2 whole days but if feels as if I had been there at least a week. It's been a week since I have been home but it sure doesn't feel like it. It almost feels if I had been off tour ages ago when in reality it was just this last Thursday that I was hugging all my tour friends and spending the time laughing with VaNessie, and Lizzy Poo and some of the other girls as we spun around in chairs at Jerry's and Brenda's retirement center. What fun times. My life seems so different now that I am working at the office.

It feels weird because my personality has changed since coming back to Calgary. I have the headaches again and it effects my mood. I feel almost reserved, like a 'Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hydes' personality switch. The office lacks the oxygen and it is making the day very long. My perk of the day is when I get to help out the patients. That's really fun because I feel like I am contributing more to society than filing this paper into that folder. I know it's only a temporary job for this year and that it will help build my funding so I can return to school or travel but I want to make every moment on life here on earth count.

Well one good thing about my job is that I finish work at 5pm. It's a 9-5 job and I like helping people and assisting the doctors. Plus I get to see my cousin for a short time.

I wonder how my tour friends are doing. I watched a bit of the dvd from last semester but some of the people this tour were on it and it made me miss them....sigh and I still didn't have everyone's contact information :(

For the life of me, contact me friends from tour.
Miss Mae

I smell cookies :)

The great thing about being at home is the smell of mom's homemade food, and the second to follow, eating mom's homemade food. No matter who you are, with the exception of those who have a mom who can't cook, nothing and I mean nothing beats mom's homemade food. It's like a warm hug on a cold day.

So today was spent going to buy one item at Wal-mart and end up buying 2 pairs of pants and a shirt as well as a scrapbook hole puncher and some scrapbooking paper. All I needed was a glue stick to work on my tour scrapbook. Go figure, just before we left the Wally Mart, my mom says hey lets look at the clothes. So I ended up trying on the clothes and like my friend Lizzy Poo says that's a mistake because you are most likely to end up buying it if it fits. That's okay because I was looking for a pair of jeans the other day. Since I returned home my clothes have some how shunkened and no longer will fit my slender body....hahah who am I kidding I gained some weight. So I was looking for a pair of jeans but all of them were priced 25$ and up! Not really surprising however after being on a mission my funds aren't allowing me the freedom to spend like before. That is why it's a great thing that I got a job.

I know God has provided it to me and some how I don't mind the fact that I will work at a medical office. I am not sure what my next step is in school. I thought I wanted to do drama but I am not sure if that is where God is taking me. I might like learning about medicine since I loved sciences and the way things work so it might not be a bad idea to expose me to the clinic.

So far I haven't been as drained out as previous tours. I do notice that I am getting headaches again but I figured it's because of the change in altitude. When I left Calgary I noticed my headaches left me. They get sever because of the weather and the pressure. Not only that but my mood shifts and so all in all I have to move closer to the sea level if I want to be happier. I think that is why God put a love for the ocean. After all He knows more about my body than I do.

This past weekend I got to spend time in my bible and just being with Him. It was good and I know He is good. I really being thinking that God wants me to rest for a year before He pulls me off to another great adventure. It's a big sense of peace, although I would love to go to Taiwan to teach English and preach the word to my students, God is saying rest for the time being.

Anyway tomorrow I start work and for now I am going to eat those cookies.

Miss Mae you cookie monster.

Home is not home...well at least to me

Call it post tour blues but I have it, what ever that it is suppose to be. I feel restless like I shouldn't be at home. Home is not really home since my family is getting on my nerves or it could be the high altitude that is causing me to have massive headaches and causes me to be more moody than usual.

If I was an older woman, I would blame it on menopause but I am not that old yet. Do you ever get the feeling that the average lifestyle you were suppose to have because everyone else had it, is not really for you?

It's only been 3 days now and at the 2 days and 3hrs I was pestered with the question by my dad of what am I going to do now that I am home. Call it Joan of Ark syndrome but I don't intend to be burnt at the stake this time. It's like the saying goes distant makes the heart grow fonder. In order for me to appreciate my crazy family I need to move far far away and I am not talking driving distance. So what am I going to do?

Well I know I don't want to stay here forever. Already I am looking into another program that will take me away from here. I should just start boxing my stuff up at this rate. I want to go to school to get something of an education so I can make a decent living for myself, for all I know I am not about to let some prince come rescue me on a white horse and make me live at home to take care of the children. I mean that's not a bad dream, but it's just not me at the moment. I need to discover myself in this world and if Mr. Right shows up well that's just tooting dandy. As for the moment I have me...I don't even have 2 cats like some lucky people ;) I know. I have a fish but it's in joint custody with my sister and he's partially dead. Poor fish, I can't even flush him down the toilet due to my sisters love for him.

As for my life, I should start work soon. I have a job lined up but some how I am dreading it. I mean not the work itself, I think it will be fun to do the job but more so the idea of being in a box all day and never seeing the outside world. No more adventures for at least a year I keep telling myself. I am the kinda person that won't stay in one place for a long time when I know that there is a world of possibilities. So I am stuck here. Stuck in a rut......

AhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhSOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME NOWahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


Okay so I am being a little melodramatic but seriously I got to have something to keep me busy and that adds to my already adventure driven life.

MIA MAE (Missing in Action Mae)

Our final dinner together as a team. Last shot pictures of me and Vanessa at the meeting. 

Yee Ha! It's good to be back

Well after a long journey in California, it's good to be back home where the ice tea comes in a powder form.

Yesterday I arrived after a long day at the airport and plane trip at 7:30pm, by the time I got home I was starving. So my mom took me out for dinner. Since it was only her and me at home we went out for Chinese food. I ordered all beef dishes and fried spring rolls....I didn't want rice, but low and behold she said are you getting rice with your beef and vegetable dish...I told her no, but she still ordered it for me and she ate it while I looked at the white fluffy stuff thinking no more rice, pizza, cheese noodle dish, or chicken adobe for a long, a very long time.

Well my hair was all punked out as it is in a frizzy stage, kind of really wild and un-combed since I can't wash it till 72 hours are up for I just got my first perm.
The plain ride was great, we got bumped back by an hour. So me and my team-mate just chilled out for a while. I called up all my friends in Vancouver, well the ones that I had phone numbers and chatted for a while.

Surprisingly I didn't cry as I had previously like I did for past tours. Angie said it was because I was a stronger person now, Lisa said it's because I knew that this was the end and that I was ready for the beginning of the next chapter of my life. I am not sure why but I guess part of me knows that it's the right time to grow up. Tour has taught me a lot of things this past 3 years and now I am ready for a change in direction in my life. I don't know what will happen today, tomorrow or even next week but I am ready for some new doors to open.

sincerely yours,
Miss Mae

And the Word Came Power

So I looked at my last blog and I haven't updated this blog for well for a while and who really could blame me. Even Superman had his day.
Being on the road you don't always get access to the net and when you do some times as third day puts it you are dog gone tired. Well actually they use the words like dog gone good, whatever that means. But anyway it's our last show tomorrow. I know that I am going to be super sad. The other day I just finished my devo for the group so that's where most of my writing power has gone to.

I will maybe post some of that story on here, well maybe but I will have to type it up in my computer files when I return home.

Well California has been a dream. What has been better is that a friend of mine who I thought wasn't going to come to the show was at tonights show and will be there tomorrow. It's great to see her again. Seeing old team mates really make me smile cause you spent enough time of your life to forget them and you always have the hope that maybe you will bump into one of them these days. I guess that goes with all people you meet and love.

Sigh, tomorrow will be the last show. Snif, snif, I am really going to miss touring, my friends, and well everything about this life but sometimes God opens other doors and you just have to be ready to walk by faith and walk through that scary door. Don't worry it's not like Monsters Inc.

So good news, yup I just found out my friend Mo is getting married. I am super happy for him because he really needed a wonderful woman. I know he will be happy. I love her already because my friend Mo loves her and I love my big brother Mo. Anyway that is that. Other than that, my brain wants to sleep as I get ready for another day and adventure. Not sure what will happen but hey there will be lots of tears.

Darn, I should have titled this lots of tears, cause that's what will be happening.

God Bless,
Miss May to save the Day....drink mountain dew...man I am tired.