And if there was a possible chance

Screaming is all I wanted to do today. After dealing with my job or now job but later no job situation or whatever the new situation seems to be, all I wanted to do with the end results is move as far away from the family as I possibly could. Maybe escape to where the world is quieter and less controlling of everything.

That and only seeing them when forced too but not allowing them to control the better part of my life would be a dream come true. This is where my prince comes into my life and sweeps me away to his castle in another distant land where I start my new life away from the control freaks......Fat chance!

So what happened today that made me want to scream Oklahoma at the top of my lungs this happened: I was happy because today didn't start out raining like the past few weeks as it seems. I got up to the beautiful sun shine. After worrying about my job situation, today I would start getting applications ready because that's what you do when you are left without a job. You deal with it.

However that's not what happened because while I was getting ready to enjoy my waffle the phone rings. Mom answers the phone. It's for me, ok so that's not unusual, everyone gets a phone call. It was my cousin, that usually means she doesn't want to work. Fine, Hello, yes fine, what do you want, a favor? Okay what is it? She wants to get drunk so she needs to sleep in, so can I come in to work for her.......after a while I finally said yes even though it would have been the first week I actually would get off since being dragged into work right after a rigorous tour.

Not the bad part yet, here comes my aunt saying that I will have to work, that' s not the bad part either, I don't mind working in the office. The bad part, I would have to wait till my cousin quits in the middle of August. That put's me a month out of work, so I told my aunt that I can't do that and that I am going to look for a full time job. She says that I went back on my commitment, but she is the one who said I would get full time work but has being playing me by more strings than a marionette is played. She only needed me for a week then I was off without a job again. Then I was moved into another office saying that I would be the only secretary there and then the deal fell through and finding this out I wasn't going to have a job but then she decided to not take in the other girl and move me back into the original office with a pay cut.

That really got me upset. I ended saying I was going to see, I wasn't going to make my decision yet because I was tired of being played by the string, either she offers me full time work starting July or I am going to find a full time job. She suggest that I find a part time job for the few weeks and then quit, she even suggested that I return to the YMCA. I said no because 1. I quit that job a year ago and 2. I don't want to go back to that job. 3. No one works for a part time job for a month then quits. So I ended that conversation. A moment later, not even 5 minutes, my cousin calls back and says they discussed it and that she is going to quit at the end of June so that starting of July I would get the full time job and she would fill in when I get sick.

I am thinking it's because my aunt doesn't want to hire outside of the family but it puts me in a bad position since when I work there they treat me like I am an idoit. I mean if I had been there a few months and still didn't know where things were then treat me like that but seriously I had only been there less than 2 weeks and I didn't come from a medical background so telling me a drug name and expecting me to know what that was and not showing me where to find it and expecting me to know exactly where they keep that sorta of stuff and then making me look like an idiot in front of her patients, I am sorry that is uncalled for.

So I don't know what to do. What do you do if your boss treats you badly, you usually either tough it out till you find a better job or make a big scene and quit. One problem with that.....it's family and you see them all the time you have a get together. So you can't really make a hissy fit because they hold it against you at every family gathering.


One word of advice from Miss Mae: Never work for family, it will only bite you in the bum later!!

Miss Mae

And so trouble rains down or is it opportunity?

So today as I entered into my new office job, same job, different office as I train to be the only secretary there, I am given sorta bad news. This is that I might not have a job coming July because at the moment it is up in the air again.

This is not bad because I know that God will provide but it's still stresses me a little. The other big concern is my driving test. I pray that I pass it but if I don't I pray that God will give me the grace to handle disappointment once again.

Other than that, because I have been out and about driving, I haven't had time to really focus on my novel writing. So that's in the frozen shelf for now. As I look around my room there are little projects that need to be done and now I might just have the time to do it. Although I am a bit concerned that I might not have the money come next fall to pay for my education. So that in turn is a bummer.

On the good side, my dad has finally paid me back from what the business owed me. The down side, is that most of the money has been locked away where I can't access it for school. The good side is that I have enough to pay for my eye exam and contacts.

So this week has been a very up and down week.

Talk to you soon,
Miss Mae

And I woke up with a soar throat.....

This morning after gagging on my own tongue, I woke up to a stuffy nose and soar throat.....great way to start my long weekend. Since I am preparing to take the plunge on my once again drivers test I have been practicing all month just driving which means taking work off. Not to bad except I have to be careful not to get to relaxed. I haven't though had a full week off of work yet despite the fact that I am taking time off to learn to drive.
Next week I will be taking on my new training at the other office and then I get my first week off since coming off of tour. I have a few items that need some going through.

You would think after all these years of cleaning bags and bags of stuff out of my room I wouldn't have so much stuff still, well so much for that theory. I have to go through a few more areas and then I am almost ready to say I could pack up my things and move to Vancouver.

However I know that next year I am either going to be in Vancouver or I will be in Three Hills for my "Ed-ya-ma-kation" and who knows how that will turn out. Finally though after much sweating over finding God's will for my life He revealed the next steps or so it seems. I just have to apply next year as I gear up to go back to school. I decided to keep Law school in the back of my mind and take Drama now, since I realize the body is harder to mold than the mind when you get to a certain age.

So as for the rest of the day, I am planning to continue with practicing driving and getting rid of this soar throat. Plus I am still working on my delightful novel as I recall stuff.

Bye bye, blog ya later.
Mae Gum

Choices, so many

So this year I haven't figured out anything except that next year if I don't return to school I won't return at all!! I will probably go back into journalism and give that another go if the school thing doesn't work out. As for my school I have decided on two options. Either I will go to Trinity Western in BC or I will stay here in Alberta for Prairie Bible college. Both offer some sort of drama degree but one is more based for the ministry while the other is based more for a career in performing arts.....it's a hard one. Although I want to do law I have decided that can wait for a while. I haven't ruled out that concept but I think I will try to get my drama degree as it's harder to get back into acting when you are older than if you start now. At least with law I can keep my mind active and go when I am older, besides more experience I have in life helps out in law school.

Well I am going to paint or get something done.

Mae

Frustrated at trying to figure out who I am suppose to be!

I don't know, even if I did would I be this unhappy? Today I spent a good amount of time talking to my friend. Although the meal was great I was just unhappy at my current situation. I think my friend knew that as I just went over and over the details of my wandering in my own life.

Later I laid on my bedroom floor just listening to Superchick as if that would make things better. I had gone to the Library and I have read dozen of books on careers but I just can't pin point my frustration. Partly it's because I still have my father ask me what am I going to do with my life. Why doesn't he just hand me a death sentence when he speaks? It's not that I don't want to think of where my life is going, I had more of a direction on to where things were going back in my youthful days but now as I get older I feel that I have really messed up my life some of the time. It's not that I haven't done anything remotely worthwhile, it's just that now that I have done it I am left with trying to figure out what is next.

My sister asked me if I prayed, and believe me I prayed but the possible fear of ending up here again after school is what is preventing me to entering school again. Also seeing how my friends graduate only to be put into dead end jobs that they don't like makes me wonder why am I even trying to go to school again. As time ticks I am left feeling helpless, this year I celebrated my 23rd year on this planet. Twenty-three years of existence and still nothing to strive for. I want to make my life count for something but what is that something that I am trying to make my life count for?

Graduated in 2000 from high-school with big dreams, entered college with big dreams of making a difference in the world we live in, graduated with honors in 2002, traveled all of Canada and changed many lives for their vision of getting the gospel in the hands of nations, took a semester off and then returned in the fall of 2004 to travel with the USA version of what I was doing in Canada. Just got off that and now I am struggling to make something of my life. With no direction, God hasn't spoken to me like he did those others times, I am guessing it's because he knows that I am capable of choosing my own path now, I just haven't figured out that I can.

So the frustration amounts to this: What am I going to do with the rest of my existence on earth? There are the little things that I am feeling I can do, like end up becoming a mentor for younger people, or taking upon myself to learn the ten languages that I have always wanted to learn, or even finishing writing my book but seriously these are the little projects. I need to focus on a life changing project. Also if school is going to be a bigger project, what if I am too old to return to school?

I wish, that someone out there who was in the same boat before me and has gotten off onto the island could come and give me a pep talk on what I am doing wrong........................Either that or I am just going to have to go out on a whim.

Life is built on the choices we make

Standing over the edge of life's pool of choices. I think if I knew which one to pick I would be a happy person. The problem with the amount of choices is that your dreams then are endless. I think sooner or later I got to make a choice. The problem is the what if I picked the wrong one and then you regret your choice. I don't want to live life like that. I want to be able to say that I live life with no regrets. I guess though you will always some how have some small bit of regret.

So as I reply to e-mails and letters I look at my own life. One of the questions that need an answer too is what am I going to do with the time given to me. Choices, there are so many. I know of a person I met during my travels who is only going back to school at the age of 25. She has lived a great life though and then I look at my friends from highschool who are now struggling to find some sort of employment as they have to pay off the school debt from 4 years of education.

As I seek wisdom on this matter I wonder has my life been a mess up since highschool or have I made the most of my time since then. Some people look at me and said that I have wasted my life so far, they are people who still view the old way of living as the only way of living. People in my age group and some of my mentors say that I have made more than most people my age have done with their lives.

In truth, I look at my life and only regret a few things in which I still have time to make it up. One of them was I wish I had spent two more years changing my diploma into a degree only because a degree is what is required to teach English overseas as a tentmaker. Second of them is that I wish I had spent more time working on building my relationships. Being away from home and having limited access to e-mail and the cost of phone calls has put a strain on my relationships. However this just proved to me which friends were my real friends over time as they invested their time to keep in contact with me even while I was in a distant city, country etc.

So how was my day? Well I spent today driving, as I am trying to retake the test to get my drivers. I also worked a little on my novel and wrote some letters. It's hard to find people who are willing to spend the time writing letters. It is so much thoughtful than e-mails since you actually have to put more energy into it.

Tomorrow, I will go to work and then off to help the kid fellowship at my church. Then hooray for the weekend. I have to call a few friends up and work some more on my novel as well as catch up on some reading.

Ta ta for now.
Mae Day

Sitting on the fence.....just waiting for something big to happen

I always wanted to do that in life. Just sit on the fence and while you are on it, find out that something big is about to happen. Sorta like a mystery of stuff happening. Well life is not all that boring. I am glad the sun broke through or I would have gotten so sad, I hate when the sun doesn't shine. So gloomy out there that it makes people in a bad mood.

Anyway so I went to work, and that's not all exciting but later I get to go out for dinner and well work on my novel which is coming along. At least now that it has started.

Life is what you make of it. Happy belated birthday to my friend Tasha, I sent her a b-day card but I had the wrong e-mail address. Oh well I will have to fix that.

Life that you're living is the life you are giving.
Miss Mae

Another day and it rains

Whenever it rains like this my heart gets so sad and so in order to prevent myself from kicking the bucket, I turn on all the lights in my room and play "Superchic[k]" and it seems to be doing a mighty fine trick. There is something to be said about warm lights and upbeat music. I am not exactly sure what that is but there is something to be said about it.

So here I am...still living or daring to live. It seems such a waste of a day to be raining. There were flood warnings all over the place. Makes you kind of want to go swimming. I slept a long time today. I barely went through my clothes knowing that just during Christmas that's what I have been doing. So I really didn't need to go through my closet.

There are a few letters and correspondents that I have to get back to. I went through my career and life folder on what I will be wanting to do come the future. There are so many things but I know some of them I have to let go, after all we only are given so much time on this earth. So I guess that's it then, right? What is our cause and great justice of life if we don't go on living life to our fullest means. In my case this means going for what we can accomplish with the time given.

Ok so I don't know what exactly does that mean for my own life but this I know, it's still raining outside and if the weather doesn't change soon I might just have to move to a place where it's sunny.

Yours truly,
Rainy Day Mae

Ever have the feeling that fate is against you?

Ironic isn't it or maybe the fact that I just think it is. Have you ever seen the t.v. series Mad about You when Paul talks about how much he hates his birthday because something always goes wrong on that day? Well same here. It seems that every birthday sucks except my 11th and my 21st. If this were a t.v. show they would be showing all the bad birthdays. Included in this would be my most hated birthday of all. It was 10 years ago when I turned 13 and life was the pits. Combined with me running away and my mom forgetting my birthday, and yup dont' forget to add rain as well. Rain, keeps me at a down fall as usual. Raining again today and it happens to be the day of my birth. I feel like crying because my birthday is always so stupid. I should just say that I don't exist in the calendar, that I don't have a birthday. Why not? If people can lie about their age why don't I say that I just don't have a birthday.

Maybe next year will be different but it never seems to be like that. Like the Eyore character of Winnie the Poo, just such a sad guy, that's how I feel in the pits. I guess sometimes the sun shines down on people and other people get rain. I happen to be one of those sad lonely people. Such a drama queen, but seriously could the clouds stop for just one second.

Happy Birthday Miss Mae, even though it's raining today.

Lists, and more stuff to do to past the time

Ah the beauty of check list is that you actually feel you have accomplished something by checking the item off the piece of paper to announced that your time was well spent. It's a great way to feel that you accomplished something that day even if you haven't accomplished much.

I have been lagging in the department of doing, mostly because I just don't feel motivated to finish what I started, the list of projects and secondly it takes a lot of mind power to dive into such projects. However, the mind power I have is unavailable when I return home from work and realize that my brain has been working for 8hrs straight and I am so exhausted that I just don't want to pick up my book and read or write my novel. It's so sickening to see how sad I have become. This is the girl that use to put in over 8hrs a day and still be a active person after those 8hrs of work.

Personally I think it's because I am getting older. Ah the age old question of well age. It seems that I am losing my energy as I sit at home exhausted from a measly 8hr day work. I mean where did my energy go?

That brings me to my next point, I am getting older. Tomorrow I will face the dreaded day that comes every year, the day I turn and look into the mirror and say "My old girl your age is beginning to show. " Ahhh the inhumanities of an aging body! Ok, so I am not that old, but when you think back to highschool where you use to make fun of the people at this age it kind of bites you in the bottom.

I remember when I was 16 and I was still a young foolish school girl, I recalled that moment when I said wow what will life be like when I turn 25. I would imagine that I would be in my own place starting my exciting new career of some adventure sort, and would be dating a guy with style, kindness and whatever girls think about at that age. I also thought that I would be going to coffee houses and chilling with my friends and living the life you see on t.v. boy was I mistaken.

That was a long time ago and now 25 doesn't seem to amuse me anymore since I will be turning 25 in two years. I am still living at home, and I haven't completely picked a major though I did live an exciting life so far and because of my life, (the constantly moving to place to place) I haven't had a chance to settle down with anyone because long distant relationships where you can't pinpoint the location of the person at any given time doesn't work! I do go to coffee houses but not one in particular and if I do go its with great planning and time management that I get to see my friends, that is when they aren't busy with their new found lives.

So tomorrow when I stare into those small brown eyes, I will wonder if I will feel any different from the day I was born into this world. Getting older is not something people want to hear about because if you are like most people, it just means another year closer to the day you die, if you die from a long and healthy life that is.

Nothing can keep me from turning older, I suspect by the time I hit my 30's I will try to cover my age as most women do by stating that I am only 29. However being a Christian I am obligated not to tell lies so therefore I will just have to confront my age. So when I think about what age I could be, 23 tomorrow is not a bad age. I mean I don't really look it, most people think I am only in my late teens or 5 years give or take my actual age.

It's just the thought that time is passing me by. Time is always passing us by and we are wasting it when we forget to use it wisely. I would call bloging a waste of my time except for the fact that it has helped me express my views to a world that couldn't care less on what I think but because I couldn't care less about what they think about what I think it works out. I guess it has given me a better way to type up my journal for writing purposes so when I gather enough pages I will print it off and make it into a book. At least this way I get the occasional comment on what others think.

Anyway I better do something with the time I am given.

That is Miss Mae reporting live from this day!

What's my name again??

Today is my grandmother's birthday. She will be 71 years old and she hasn't gone out of her house for a long time now. It's so sad to see a this wonderful lady who has many stories about life just sit at home and keep to herself. I don't know why my grandmother refuses to go outside anymore, maybe she is afraid of the changing world around her. I just don't know.

Anyway so it's her birthday today. I like calling her up. It makes her feel special, plus whenever I do, she loves to talk. Actually every time I visit her she has a story or two, or three to tell me. I don't think there was a time she stopped telling her stories, even if I heard them over and over again. It's always a pleasure.

So while talking on the phone, she asked me about California. It's raining today, actually it's down pouring, rain is just an understatement. So as I remember Sunny California, I sit here in my own city while it pours on this June day. I tell her stories of the baskets of fruit we enjoyed in California. Just thinking about it made me miss being there. As I continue to talk to my grandmother about the adventures, some how we end up getting into the conversation about my Chinese name. It turns out she doesn't remember the change she made to my name. She would rather let me use my Chinese name in it's original dialect which is pronounced "Mee Kim" which means beautiful gold. Then she said but I have written down the change to your name which is "Mee Ten" which means beautiful lantern after my dad's name. She goes on to tell me she wants to change my name to make me a stronger person.

"Your father use to cry and cry and cry all the time. His name use to be a weak name that was making him weak as a person, but then your great grandfather changed his name to Fire because fire makes you a fighter and stronger person. So when I change your name I am going to make you a stronger person this way too, so your name is Mee Ten."

Much to my confusion I rather stick to the Cantonese version of my original Chinese name, which is Mae Gum however for her purposes I will use Mee Ten or Mee Kim. Coincidently the name Kim is also in our family Chinese name line. Kim Yuen was my grandfather's name on my mother's side. His name meant golden cloud and he was a well loved and respected man. So in that respect, I remember him when I think of my name in Hakka which is my dialect.

So to the conclusion of having so many names it's natural for people to be confused on what to call me. I am confused on what to answer by, going with my English name at times, my Chinese name at times in different dialects and so fourth.

Anyway the day went well considering that I did not have to attend work today because I took the day off to practice how to drive. My mom says I am getting better and rightfully so. With the confidence I had gained on tour everything in my personal life at home seems to have improved. I am praying God will let me pass on June 25th when I take the exam but we will see if it's in His will it will happen. If I don't pass, there is always a lesson to be learned.

Starting July I will be moved to another office and do all the work by myself. I am a little bit unease with the situation but if God has a reason for me being there then God has a reason and I should not be so worried.

So working under a pressure cooker is not so bad, after all there is always lessons to be learned and friends to make and maybe one day when I am tooth-less and old all these things will come to pass and I will understand why these things happened, or I will just be old and tooth-less and can't remember who I am.

From the girl who doesn't know her name,
"What's my name again" Mae