Frustrated at trying to figure out who I am suppose to be!
I don't know, even if I did would I be this unhappy? Today I spent a good amount of time talking to my friend. Although the meal was great I was just unhappy at my current situation. I think my friend knew that as I just went over and over the details of my wandering in my own life.
Later I laid on my bedroom floor just listening to Superchick as if that would make things better. I had gone to the Library and I have read dozen of books on careers but I just can't pin point my frustration. Partly it's because I still have my father ask me what am I going to do with my life. Why doesn't he just hand me a death sentence when he speaks? It's not that I don't want to think of where my life is going, I had more of a direction on to where things were going back in my youthful days but now as I get older I feel that I have really messed up my life some of the time. It's not that I haven't done anything remotely worthwhile, it's just that now that I have done it I am left with trying to figure out what is next.
My sister asked me if I prayed, and believe me I prayed but the possible fear of ending up here again after school is what is preventing me to entering school again. Also seeing how my friends graduate only to be put into dead end jobs that they don't like makes me wonder why am I even trying to go to school again. As time ticks I am left feeling helpless, this year I celebrated my 23rd year on this planet. Twenty-three years of existence and still nothing to strive for. I want to make my life count for something but what is that something that I am trying to make my life count for?
Graduated in 2000 from high-school with big dreams, entered college with big dreams of making a difference in the world we live in, graduated with honors in 2002, traveled all of Canada and changed many lives for their vision of getting the gospel in the hands of nations, took a semester off and then returned in the fall of 2004 to travel with the USA version of what I was doing in Canada. Just got off that and now I am struggling to make something of my life. With no direction, God hasn't spoken to me like he did those others times, I am guessing it's because he knows that I am capable of choosing my own path now, I just haven't figured out that I can.
So the frustration amounts to this: What am I going to do with the rest of my existence on earth? There are the little things that I am feeling I can do, like end up becoming a mentor for younger people, or taking upon myself to learn the ten languages that I have always wanted to learn, or even finishing writing my book but seriously these are the little projects. I need to focus on a life changing project. Also if school is going to be a bigger project, what if I am too old to return to school?
I wish, that someone out there who was in the same boat before me and has gotten off onto the island could come and give me a pep talk on what I am doing wrong........................Either that or I am just going to have to go out on a whim.
Later I laid on my bedroom floor just listening to Superchick as if that would make things better. I had gone to the Library and I have read dozen of books on careers but I just can't pin point my frustration. Partly it's because I still have my father ask me what am I going to do with my life. Why doesn't he just hand me a death sentence when he speaks? It's not that I don't want to think of where my life is going, I had more of a direction on to where things were going back in my youthful days but now as I get older I feel that I have really messed up my life some of the time. It's not that I haven't done anything remotely worthwhile, it's just that now that I have done it I am left with trying to figure out what is next.
My sister asked me if I prayed, and believe me I prayed but the possible fear of ending up here again after school is what is preventing me to entering school again. Also seeing how my friends graduate only to be put into dead end jobs that they don't like makes me wonder why am I even trying to go to school again. As time ticks I am left feeling helpless, this year I celebrated my 23rd year on this planet. Twenty-three years of existence and still nothing to strive for. I want to make my life count for something but what is that something that I am trying to make my life count for?
Graduated in 2000 from high-school with big dreams, entered college with big dreams of making a difference in the world we live in, graduated with honors in 2002, traveled all of Canada and changed many lives for their vision of getting the gospel in the hands of nations, took a semester off and then returned in the fall of 2004 to travel with the USA version of what I was doing in Canada. Just got off that and now I am struggling to make something of my life. With no direction, God hasn't spoken to me like he did those others times, I am guessing it's because he knows that I am capable of choosing my own path now, I just haven't figured out that I can.
So the frustration amounts to this: What am I going to do with the rest of my existence on earth? There are the little things that I am feeling I can do, like end up becoming a mentor for younger people, or taking upon myself to learn the ten languages that I have always wanted to learn, or even finishing writing my book but seriously these are the little projects. I need to focus on a life changing project. Also if school is going to be a bigger project, what if I am too old to return to school?
I wish, that someone out there who was in the same boat before me and has gotten off onto the island could come and give me a pep talk on what I am doing wrong........................Either that or I am just going to have to go out on a whim.
posted by Miss Mae | 3:58 PM
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