This is today

So I'm cleaning up some of my old files on my computer. It feels good to sort through and realise that you are finally letting go :D I put the pictures of my ex into the bin called garbage hehe, that space on the computer is better used for making happier memories.

I've moved on :) and while I was reading some of the previous stuff I've saved from the relationship, I realize that I am a lot better without him! It was pity, the whole relationship was pity. I felt sorry for him because of his screwed up pass, but it's not my problem and I will never have to deal with picking up the pieces from him.

Instead I have so much more to look forward. I'm graduating in a few months and I have a man who treats me right. He actually will be the owner of a town house in a month and he's not some guy who claims big things but still lives in the basement of a rented home with his roomie.

Sure my guy isn't perfect but the fact is nobody is. The thing about him though is that he makes me smile, and wants to spend time with me. He has friends that do more than just give their life to the bottle and to me that is important.

So what else have I've been up to? Well, I'm making room to live a more simply life starting by organizing my computer files. It feels good just to realise that my life is starting once again and it's filled with love, peace and happiness.

Signing out,
Miss Mae XOXOXOX

Weekend with the Honey

Well, I have to say this tops off my wonderful weekends in the summer. I just spent the past few days meeting my honey's family and I have to say it was a great experience. I hope to see more of them in the future.

My honey has really made me happy the past four months and I am continually amazed by who he is. I'm falling more and more in love but it doesn't even feel like falling. This guy I want to see in my life for the next couple of decades.

He is someone special to me and I love him.

I love him.

There are so many emotions, and words that I want to describe him but the ones that fit best is that I love him with all my heart.

He puts a smile to my face and I want to share my life with him.

That's all I have to say.

LOVE MISS MAE

Cleaning up

So, I've made the decision, to clean up my files, clean up my life and get rid of this negative energy surrounded by the details of my ex. I'm no longer having his friends on my facebook page, nor do I care any more if he's dating another girl. Ironically when you loved somebody so intensely you eventually hate that person with the same intensity. I'm guessing that 30 years down the road I will look back at all the mistakes I've made and laugh.

I'm 27 but I don't feel that I've had the life experience that a 27 year old ought to have. Strangely enough. I'm not perfect where my life is right now but at the same time even with the puddle of mass confusion that dictates the movement and flow of my life, I'm not as screwed up as some people. I could be worst.

I woke up this morning almost wondering if I should be taking the 500 drama course and asking for wisdom from my mother, I was throughly discouraged. It's like she doesn't see me for what I could be, but she sees me as a let down. She said that I haven't worked in years. When I thought about it I reminded her that I did have a job in my winter semester and she said how come I still asked her for money. The problem is that University isn't cheap. And as much as I would have liked it, the amount of money my part-time job provides doesn't give me enough to live on. In fact a lot of the finance dispose I find myself in hasn't been to my own doing. If I hadn't gone to University like my parents wanted me to go to, and if I didn't put my money in the house, my life would have turned out differently.

Here I find it ironic that my parents are blaming me for not having the funds when they are the ones who told me I had to go into this and that. What I find ironic is that if I listened to what Miss Mae wanted, I would have been much more happier.

I'm tired of people telling me how to live my life. It's my fault too because I'm too damn scared to go out and listen to my heart. Instead I ask for others to make my life decisions because I refuse to take the blame if my life screws up. But what if it doesn't? What if the choices I make will lead me to the life I've always wanted to live?

Maybe it's time to not ask for advice and to make my own destiny.

Maybe it's time to not only free myself from ghost of the past but to live in the here and now.
It's time...

Miss Mae

Wanting something

Call it anger. Call it wanting justice. I don't know. I hate my ex boyfriend Justin Fucking Scott Smith and wish that justice would be serve. He hurt me so bad. I think part of the reason is that he didn't even have the nerves to contact me in person. I want bloody revenge. I want to almost put a hex on him. Some how I know I will never get closure from him. He will continue hurting me.
So it's time to really let go. Let go of this shit because it's not fair for me and not fair for my wonderful life.

Miss Mae

Saturday

I want to write this down, but at the same time the emotions I feel is consuming me and I wonder if this is the right place to write it. What if someone actually read's this? I mean not that I care about if strangers read this, but what if the people I know read this. Then what?

So it's 1 day before my four months of being in my relationship with C but at the same time, I wonder why I'm a bit scared. Could it be that I am meeting my boyfriends parents for the first time on Monday and I'm going to try to impress them with my baking? Or could it be the fact that despite the fact that I have a loving wonderful man who has pleased me in many ways, I am still jaded by my ex's behaviour. I want closure but some how I know I can't get it from him. After all he himself hasn't dealt with a lot of issues. I would never want to go back to him but at the same time I just want him to understand the hurt he caused me. It has constantly made me wonder why he would do something like that when I didn't do anything wrong to hurt him. Ok maybe I don't want him to just understand, I want him to feel how it feels to be dumped by Facebook before the fact the person finds out through that awful e-mail.

Is he really that cold and calous? I wonder about that. I wonder if he's really that fucked up. There was a time I would do anything for him. I really loved him but that love has turned into hate some days. I even wanted to do something bad to him, but then it's not my place because I know Karma will get him back. As much as I wanted to harm him, I won't. He doesn't deserve anyone. Mom says I should pray for peace and pray for him. I'm trying to. But there are days when I think to myself why does he deserve mercy. I wish I could just erase him from my mind. There is a reason why he's my ex even if I don't want to admit it. I wouldn't be happy with him, but doesn't mean I don't want closure.

I love my current boyfriend, even if he's super goofy at times. He's everything I wanted in a guy. He makes me smile, laugh, protects me, pleases me and he loves me to no ends. But at the same time I wonder when he will get tired and leave me. I don't know if you can trust men fully. They are fickle. I just don't want to see myself get hurt again. I'm guarded and jaded as our four months approach. I know though if we can make it to six months I will be happy because then I know that it can possible go beyond that.

C is not perfect, but he fits me well. He's a ball of happy sunshine and for that I am grateful. So today I have to get some stuff done. Hopefully I can pull it all off. Life is not perfect but somehow I am trying to understand it is what it is for a reason.

Love is not perfect, but it' s a committment to the other person when the feelings of lust leave and all you are left with is a spoonful of honesty.

Mae.

Dreams? Do they mean anything.

Last night, I went out with my best friends. It was good just hanging out with the boys. I got to discuss my fears on what the hell I'm doing with my life. I am not sure I want to do this acting thing, but writing is definitely something I wish to pursue. You ever wish you could change part of your life because you feel that there is something missing? I was talking to Kev on our drive home. I asked him if I talk about my ex to much. It just seems that I want some kind of closure and I'm not sure how to get it. In some ways I know Karma is going to deal with that, he might get sick and feel physical pain for the emotional pain he caused me, but this I will never know. I read and watched stories of how other girls revenged their ex. I don't really want revenge...well on some level but I would never really try to act on it. What I want is closure.
Karma has been very good to me. I have a new guy who loves me but part of me is cynical and jaded on the fact that, I wonder and question his love for me. Sounds stupid. I know. He loves me more than words can say. I can't shake the feeling to not to trust guys. You don't go near a stove if you've been burn once. You tend to be more cautious when approaching the fire. The thing is, I do love my boyfriend. Then again I did love my ex. But love for guys aren't guarantee, I just wish I could have some scientific experiment to get to the root of it all and find out if the guy really does love me. Not that I'm questioning my boyfriends devotion to me, but sometimes I wonder. Like when he lost the ring I bought for him. I'm a student and the current situation I find myself in, I'm not loaded with cash. I went out my way to buy him this ring and thought of him and he loses it. Yet he can't seem to find it. Or forgets to check for it. If it was something he gave me, I would go and look for it. At the same time, I realize that he might not find material things as important or sentimental so I understand and I can't really get mad at him for a ring.
I guess, I'm not sure why I'm upset. Maybe I'm questioning the whole idea of being in a relationship because sometimes I wonder and fear if I will get hurt again. I can't bring myself to that much pain. It hurts way to much to have your heart broken and it never fully recovers. Sure over time you forget about it, but when you love someone who hurts you, your heart is afraid to love again.
Part of me wonders if I'm good enough. What's a smart, attractive girl doing getting her heart broken. Lucky in life but am I also lucky in love?
The dream I had was of my ex. It was strange because it was the second time that I dreamed of him since we broke up. Each time he was telling me that he really cared for me, and in my dreams I told him I do love him but I'm with another person and it wouldn't work out. I tend to wonder about dreams, what is my subconscious telling me?
That's why I am taking a psychology class because I need to figure out things about myself. I'm not perfect, I never said I was. It seems I'm further away from who I want to be these past few months that ever.
Everyone I know is now engaged, or married and I am cool with that. Part of me wants to find my happily ever after, but what does it mean?
Mom says I wouldn't be happy as a single gal for the rest of her life. I asked her why she would think that. She says it's because I want a family to much. But I'm sure that there is other ways a women can build the family.
As a modern day women we have so many choices. Career wise, love wise, creating a baby wise. Men have some what been eliminated from the equation, but at the same time I wonder if we are all just un happy spinsters.

Writing gives me this outlet to express myself. Words are so refreshing. I doubt anyone really reads this except for me. Maybe when I become somebody, only then do people really want to prive into your private life. When you're just another face, you're much freer. You're not constantly being critized.

If I could some up where I want to be in 5 years, I would say this, I want to be happy with who I am and right now I just need to find out who that is.

Love always Mae

In the end it will be okay...if it's not okay, it's not the end.

Yes, that is how it is. So I got up around 6:30am trying to finish my essay. I didn't mean to leave it to the last possible minute but sometimes you just end up doing just that. As I write this, I realize that my name instead of my professors name is on the file I put into the drop box...ah well I will write him an e-mail and hopefully someone will be smart enough to figure it out. If not well I just screwed over graduation.
Anyway so I don't have much to say about today. Most of my brain cells were used to figure out the details of my essay as well as my other ass ignments that were due today. I will be glad when I am done being a student. Although then I'm in the working force I might be saying other wise.

This weekend, I spent with my boyfriend. He is amazing. He is amazingly wonderful. Although sometimes we got on each other's nerves but it doesn't matter because I love him. Ironically though, I thought about my ex. Not in a loving way, just in a way I was trying to understand why guys like that still exist. I mean it would be better if he didn't. Then again, he is the reason I found my love. So in a strange way the guy that hurt me brought me to the guy that loves me. Strange but true.

I have to write my script soon. I just am in a tired mood from this morning. Half the stuff I say today is probably crap and should be ignored till I return again to write something worth reading.

Love alway Mae.

Late, but not really

Have you ever had those days when you were sure you checked the schedule and it said you had class that day. You get up early when you want to sleep in and you rush to finish off the assignment that was due that morning only to be delayed and finding yourself close to being late. You rush out the door and boom drive your car at 65km in a residential area and almost get a ticket by the cop waiting to catch speeders.
Luckily you hit your breaks before that happens, you pay for the parking complaining that the price is way to much as your cost of tutition is over the top already but you pay it anyway. Park and run off to class only to find the doors shut and when you knock on the door no one answers. You get yourself motivated and walk up the stairs to see a poster advertising your class, the one that only has lessons on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This being Tuesday, you're not late...you're just an idiot.

Ahh so that is how I started my Tuesday morning.

So why didn't I get up early to check my class schedule? Well I have a good reason for that. It's because my amazing boyfriend Yummibear had visited me the night before. After two weeks of being gone to Ottawa, Montreal, and Quebec City, we were overly missing each other. We didn't write constantly through e-mail, since I didn't have access to e-mail every day. Nor did we spend hours chatting to each other since I didn't want to pay long distant fees, besides when one goes on vacation, it's to get away from technology and relax.

So while on vacation, my 27th birthday arrived and I didn't spend it with my Yummibear, although I'm sure that he would have made it the most romantic day since he is a really sentimental and romantic kind of guy. This being said, the two weeks were brutal without him and I missed him a lot. I had a great time with my sisters, but I missed that sweet embraced from my fellow.

Anyway, he arrived at 6:30ish at my house yesterday. I wasn't expecting anything, just him. I wasn't worried that he took a while but I wanted him to come. He arrived at my house with a dozen roses and chocolates. Who said guys aren't romantic these days haven't met my man. Four of the roses were white and he told me he specifically picked them out for their significance. This makes the roses a lot more special then just buying a dozen roses at the local Safeway. He had ordered them just for me. He said the four white roses represented the purity of his love for me in our relationship, why four though?
Well 4 is amount of months we've been together or will be by the end of 21st day this month :D The number in total is 12 to represent the 12 months in a calendar a month to make up another year of my life. Now that's romantic.

He bought me 3 of each chocolates, mint, peanut butter, and almond. He picked them out too :) and then he took me out for wings and let me order brie and mangos and wings, my favourites of course. After dinner we tried to find a romantic spot on nose hill to watch the sunset but no such luck. Apparently it was doggy walking time : and the hills were filled. So we ended up driving out of the city to watch the sun set and embrace each others company. Romantic. Later we spent time cuddling and just loving on each other. My boyfriend is hot. He was working out while I was gone and it showed. I on the other hand decided to eat the food of the French pastery and am now sworn to myself to work it off.

We spent time into the late night and I finally had to let him go home. He had work the next day and I had class. Everytime I'm with him, I want him to stay with me because I love him more and more.

So now I'm thinking about him and I'm missing him like crazy. We get to see each other again tonight when I introduce him to my guy friends. I hope it goes well :) We have our evenings booked this week and I'm excited to see him tonight.

Love always
Miss Mae

He's really into me :D

So one of my class requirements is that we write, that is we write everyday. The more you write the more you get out of your writing muscle. I guess the last time I wrote was about my evil ex-boyfriend aka Justin Smith or nexxia as he is well known on the internet world. But when I look back at his sad little life, he is really one sad lonely boy who has mother issues and until they are resolved he will never beable to move on to a mature relationship. I pity the guy, he sucked in bed and he's has a mental illness that he is not attending to so really it was the best blessing a girl can ask for. Karma, prayer, blessings.

Anyway that's the last you'll here of him on this blog. So what is life like for Mae? Well they say if you treat the world as an opportunity where only good things can happen and you look at life with being half full then half empty, you will begin to see the world with a clearer vision. You will begin to see things the way they should be no matter what your given circumstance is. I believe in spreading good toward others. Do no evil to others and good karma will eventually fall upon you. Do evil to others and have bad fall upon you. Balance. :D

So I guess the best is to update you of the amazing blessings happening in my life. Well for starters, yes, Miss Mae is no longer on the market. Sometimes you meet a man that is actually that into you and suddenly you wonder why did you waste your life on so many frogs who weren't actually that into you :)

I was away for two weeks on a well deserved vacation from work and school. And while my sisters talked at a hip bar and lounge in Montreal called Albi, be it their opening night, while drinking the Alabama slam, each of us took turns reminissing and reflecting about our own lives. Later that night while laying in bed at the hotel, I thought to myself, "I'm really happy with the life I have. It may not be perfect but it's still my life and I'm going to live it."

I am also happy with the guy I'm with. He's my big teddy bear. Although he may not be my life, he's a big part of it right now. He has made me really happy these past few months and I really appreciate and love him because he loves me for me. It's the little things that he does to make me smile, like bring me gingerale when I was sick, or buying me flowers for my show just because he cares and wants to make me smile. How he asks how I am doing and how he makes me laugh.
When I was away the past few weeks, I felt okay being away from him, knowing that when I came home he would be there falling more and more in love with me and that is the best feeling. To be loved by someone who really loves you for you. Even when you are sick and wearing pink flannel pj's he still comes over and tells you how amazingly beautiful you are and means it. It's when he tells me he love's me and sees me in his future, that I know in my heart that I love him deeply.

There is something to be said about love. It starts beautifully and gracefully and still takes you by surprise. My hope is that three times a charm and that he is the one that I will gracefully spend my years growing old with.

But as I said, he's a big part of my life and not my whole life. In a few months I will have completed my BFA in drama. This goal has been on my list since I started touring and the reality will soon be the walking of the stage in Novemeber of 2009. Here at 27, I've travelled Canada, USA, Cambodia, South Africa, I earned a diploma in Photojournalism, won a few awards for my skills, and have a loving boyfriend, friends and family and now I will have a degree. Life is good. But I know it all can be taken away so I'm not taking it for granted. The biggest and greatest thing in my life is that Jesus is still with me. I may not have lived the perfect Christian life, I've made a few big mistakes, but if tomorrow if my world falls a part, the greatest thing that defines and holds me together is still that I have the greatest thing in the world, a God who loves me and created me for his purpose :)

As for the future, I don't know what will happen, but for the good or the bad, it is my life and I'm going to live it with all the strenght, energy and passion one can live a life for :)

signing off,
Miss Mae