Saturday

I want to write this down, but at the same time the emotions I feel is consuming me and I wonder if this is the right place to write it. What if someone actually read's this? I mean not that I care about if strangers read this, but what if the people I know read this. Then what?

So it's 1 day before my four months of being in my relationship with C but at the same time, I wonder why I'm a bit scared. Could it be that I am meeting my boyfriends parents for the first time on Monday and I'm going to try to impress them with my baking? Or could it be the fact that despite the fact that I have a loving wonderful man who has pleased me in many ways, I am still jaded by my ex's behaviour. I want closure but some how I know I can't get it from him. After all he himself hasn't dealt with a lot of issues. I would never want to go back to him but at the same time I just want him to understand the hurt he caused me. It has constantly made me wonder why he would do something like that when I didn't do anything wrong to hurt him. Ok maybe I don't want him to just understand, I want him to feel how it feels to be dumped by Facebook before the fact the person finds out through that awful e-mail.

Is he really that cold and calous? I wonder about that. I wonder if he's really that fucked up. There was a time I would do anything for him. I really loved him but that love has turned into hate some days. I even wanted to do something bad to him, but then it's not my place because I know Karma will get him back. As much as I wanted to harm him, I won't. He doesn't deserve anyone. Mom says I should pray for peace and pray for him. I'm trying to. But there are days when I think to myself why does he deserve mercy. I wish I could just erase him from my mind. There is a reason why he's my ex even if I don't want to admit it. I wouldn't be happy with him, but doesn't mean I don't want closure.

I love my current boyfriend, even if he's super goofy at times. He's everything I wanted in a guy. He makes me smile, laugh, protects me, pleases me and he loves me to no ends. But at the same time I wonder when he will get tired and leave me. I don't know if you can trust men fully. They are fickle. I just don't want to see myself get hurt again. I'm guarded and jaded as our four months approach. I know though if we can make it to six months I will be happy because then I know that it can possible go beyond that.

C is not perfect, but he fits me well. He's a ball of happy sunshine and for that I am grateful. So today I have to get some stuff done. Hopefully I can pull it all off. Life is not perfect but somehow I am trying to understand it is what it is for a reason.

Love is not perfect, but it' s a committment to the other person when the feelings of lust leave and all you are left with is a spoonful of honesty.

Mae.