Dreams? Do they mean anything.
Last night, I went out with my best friends. It was good just hanging out with the boys. I got to discuss my fears on what the hell I'm doing with my life. I am not sure I want to do this acting thing, but writing is definitely something I wish to pursue. You ever wish you could change part of your life because you feel that there is something missing? I was talking to Kev on our drive home. I asked him if I talk about my ex to much. It just seems that I want some kind of closure and I'm not sure how to get it. In some ways I know Karma is going to deal with that, he might get sick and feel physical pain for the emotional pain he caused me, but this I will never know. I read and watched stories of how other girls revenged their ex. I don't really want revenge...well on some level but I would never really try to act on it. What I want is closure.
Karma has been very good to me. I have a new guy who loves me but part of me is cynical and jaded on the fact that, I wonder and question his love for me. Sounds stupid. I know. He loves me more than words can say. I can't shake the feeling to not to trust guys. You don't go near a stove if you've been burn once. You tend to be more cautious when approaching the fire. The thing is, I do love my boyfriend. Then again I did love my ex. But love for guys aren't guarantee, I just wish I could have some scientific experiment to get to the root of it all and find out if the guy really does love me. Not that I'm questioning my boyfriends devotion to me, but sometimes I wonder. Like when he lost the ring I bought for him. I'm a student and the current situation I find myself in, I'm not loaded with cash. I went out my way to buy him this ring and thought of him and he loses it. Yet he can't seem to find it. Or forgets to check for it. If it was something he gave me, I would go and look for it. At the same time, I realize that he might not find material things as important or sentimental so I understand and I can't really get mad at him for a ring.
I guess, I'm not sure why I'm upset. Maybe I'm questioning the whole idea of being in a relationship because sometimes I wonder and fear if I will get hurt again. I can't bring myself to that much pain. It hurts way to much to have your heart broken and it never fully recovers. Sure over time you forget about it, but when you love someone who hurts you, your heart is afraid to love again.
Part of me wonders if I'm good enough. What's a smart, attractive girl doing getting her heart broken. Lucky in life but am I also lucky in love?
The dream I had was of my ex. It was strange because it was the second time that I dreamed of him since we broke up. Each time he was telling me that he really cared for me, and in my dreams I told him I do love him but I'm with another person and it wouldn't work out. I tend to wonder about dreams, what is my subconscious telling me?
That's why I am taking a psychology class because I need to figure out things about myself. I'm not perfect, I never said I was. It seems I'm further away from who I want to be these past few months that ever.
Everyone I know is now engaged, or married and I am cool with that. Part of me wants to find my happily ever after, but what does it mean?
Mom says I wouldn't be happy as a single gal for the rest of her life. I asked her why she would think that. She says it's because I want a family to much. But I'm sure that there is other ways a women can build the family.
As a modern day women we have so many choices. Career wise, love wise, creating a baby wise. Men have some what been eliminated from the equation, but at the same time I wonder if we are all just un happy spinsters.
Writing gives me this outlet to express myself. Words are so refreshing. I doubt anyone really reads this except for me. Maybe when I become somebody, only then do people really want to prive into your private life. When you're just another face, you're much freer. You're not constantly being critized.
If I could some up where I want to be in 5 years, I would say this, I want to be happy with who I am and right now I just need to find out who that is.
Love always Mae
Karma has been very good to me. I have a new guy who loves me but part of me is cynical and jaded on the fact that, I wonder and question his love for me. Sounds stupid. I know. He loves me more than words can say. I can't shake the feeling to not to trust guys. You don't go near a stove if you've been burn once. You tend to be more cautious when approaching the fire. The thing is, I do love my boyfriend. Then again I did love my ex. But love for guys aren't guarantee, I just wish I could have some scientific experiment to get to the root of it all and find out if the guy really does love me. Not that I'm questioning my boyfriends devotion to me, but sometimes I wonder. Like when he lost the ring I bought for him. I'm a student and the current situation I find myself in, I'm not loaded with cash. I went out my way to buy him this ring and thought of him and he loses it. Yet he can't seem to find it. Or forgets to check for it. If it was something he gave me, I would go and look for it. At the same time, I realize that he might not find material things as important or sentimental so I understand and I can't really get mad at him for a ring.
I guess, I'm not sure why I'm upset. Maybe I'm questioning the whole idea of being in a relationship because sometimes I wonder and fear if I will get hurt again. I can't bring myself to that much pain. It hurts way to much to have your heart broken and it never fully recovers. Sure over time you forget about it, but when you love someone who hurts you, your heart is afraid to love again.
Part of me wonders if I'm good enough. What's a smart, attractive girl doing getting her heart broken. Lucky in life but am I also lucky in love?
The dream I had was of my ex. It was strange because it was the second time that I dreamed of him since we broke up. Each time he was telling me that he really cared for me, and in my dreams I told him I do love him but I'm with another person and it wouldn't work out. I tend to wonder about dreams, what is my subconscious telling me?
That's why I am taking a psychology class because I need to figure out things about myself. I'm not perfect, I never said I was. It seems I'm further away from who I want to be these past few months that ever.
Everyone I know is now engaged, or married and I am cool with that. Part of me wants to find my happily ever after, but what does it mean?
Mom says I wouldn't be happy as a single gal for the rest of her life. I asked her why she would think that. She says it's because I want a family to much. But I'm sure that there is other ways a women can build the family.
As a modern day women we have so many choices. Career wise, love wise, creating a baby wise. Men have some what been eliminated from the equation, but at the same time I wonder if we are all just un happy spinsters.
Writing gives me this outlet to express myself. Words are so refreshing. I doubt anyone really reads this except for me. Maybe when I become somebody, only then do people really want to prive into your private life. When you're just another face, you're much freer. You're not constantly being critized.
If I could some up where I want to be in 5 years, I would say this, I want to be happy with who I am and right now I just need to find out who that is.
Love always Mae
posted by Miss Mae | 9:08 AM
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