Text message break up lol

Ok so this was funny. I had posted a forum to get some answers about my break up. One guy posted this ULR. It was funny.

Yes this is for the guys who don't do a face to face break up lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcidD2HFK8M#
Plus Margret Cho is on it.

How Mae Got her groove back!

So I was talking to my new friends, but more so this morning, I woke up an realized that I got over him. I can't even remember details of our past relationship and I am worried this is an effect of my memory or that time has done what it needed to, to help me move on.

I honestly can't remember the details of his face unless I look at his picture and focus, but he seemed to have vanish from my memory. Like a ghost, or a presence that some how I knew once existed but is no longer real.

The crazy thing is, I'm finally past the anger, and I've accept that what has happened to me has happened but I've taken from it what I needed to. I've added to my life experience which is great for acting. I don't even cry anymore. I use to remember the past few weeks crying when I got home, crying when I woke up and thinking I'll never get through this, that I miss him so much, but now I get up facing the day with abundance. I feel happy again. I look forward to Monday's because my cardio class that has been a great part of giving me back my power is on Monday's and I'm having a ton of fun with it. I even bought some killer shoes, and my body is shaping up and looking amazing :)

The only sad thing is, I can't remember the feelings, I don't hate, I don't love, it's almost strange in the sense because I got nothing. I remember facts but the emotional connection is gone. I see his picture but it does nothing for me. No emotions. At least when I look at my other memories of people in my lives, I am filled with emotion, stories, a past. So I am worried if I really did cast a spell on myself to forget or if that was a dream in which I cast a spell and now it has leaked into my life.

Either case I still remember what I've learned, I know I am a passionate kisser, I know that I am a pretty amazing girl, and that I give a good massage. I know results, but when it comes to my emotions toward Justin, I can't recall. I guess this means I really did get over him or that I'm crazy lol :)

Still wishing on shooting stars

How I am feeling:
It's been 3 weeks since my heartache started. Talking it over with others from a better view has helped a lot. As much as I cared, I realize that he wasn't the one for me. Broken up through e-mail is like getting a slap in the face, but it made me realize that I want someone who is not an asshole in times when he is under-stress, but a gentleman and gentlemen would have the honour to confront a lady and tell it to her gently. If the relationship was going bad, I understand why it would have been an e-mail. But no fights, nothing, I wasn't even bitchy. I tried to make sense of this on my part, but talking with other people, they have and now I have to finally admit it that it was his problems, his selfishness and his immaturity.

How I felt about the relationship:
To my friends so you know what I felt, I thought I was really in love with this guy, and I let it get my better judgement. They don't call it blinded by love for nothing. I trusted him fully, I gave him what he asked for and in some way I gave up a part of me because at the time my focus was on a promise that I would not be the one to hurt him. I forgot about me, the person I worked so hard to become, what she stood for, what she fought for, who she was through her values and core decisions. I became co-dependent, making excuses for things that no person should ever stand for. If a guy yells and gives you the silent treatment for two days, that is still abuse even if it's not physical. It's call emotional abuse and that should never be tolerated. Emotional abuse is equally bad. Instead of having a man who would protect me, I had a guy who would emotionally let me down. I never cheated, I never lied, I never treated him badly. I didn't deserve the treatment I got.

Moving on:
So what have I done now to help me get past this? Well I've realize any guy who yells at me and treats me like that, I will not make excuses for them. I am taking Cardio Spice, and Latin dance classes and this has helped me take back some of my power. I am also taking guitar lessons and I have a show to work on for the Spring. I have a job and school, and I feel that I'm holding on and using the tools learned from therapy. It's help a lot.

I will survive this. I will be okay. Life will go on. I will still wait for my wish to come true.

I hate the fact that he still has power over me

I can't stop thinking about him...even though he is the biggest asshole to grace this planet. Why do smart girls like me, end up falling for assholes. I want to rebound. Apparently that's exactly what he is doing. Which makes no sense since if he says he was too busy and yet there he goes looking for a new relationship, just in time for Valentines day?

Maybe I should have treated him like shit. Maybe then he would have treated me better. But he probably would have used me the same.

I deserve better. I deserve to be treated with respect. I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I want to get my power back. I almost want to hex him. But I'm not into that stuff anymore. Besides bad karma.

So what do I do?

Miss Mae

http://breakupemail.com/dump.php

Found this website. http://breakupemail.com/dump.php you just click on things and it writes a letter for you. Should have done this to him before he did it to me!

Dear Justin,
I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. Do you realize that you're a total loser? I can't believe how selfish you are. Relationships are supposed to be about sharing, jerk. Your arrogance seems to have no limits; it's as if you think you're actually somebody. I know you'll probably tell everyone that you dumped me, because you're a liar. But everyone knows that already, so they won't believe you. I called the nursery school program, and they agreed to let you in after they assessed your maturity level. It might be hard for you to believe, but one thing I can tell you for sure: you really need to work on your skills in bed. I mean, you're just plain bad at sex. You know, a little respect can go a long way. But the amount of respect you give me is only enough for ME to go a long way. A long way away from you, douchebag. Maybe part of the problem is that you drink so much. You can't actually call gin-flakes or beerios breakfast. Doing drugs so much really got in the way of more important things. You need to clean yourself up. Frankly, you just don't care enough about me. Luckily I care enough about me to make up for it, by saying goodbye to you. The fact that you forgot our anniversary just confirms that it's time for "we" to become "me." Here's some food for thought: you're an asshole! It's not easy to carry on a successful relationship with someone like you. And by that, I mean someone who is downright stupid, you feebleminded dimwit.
And as if that wasn't enough, you have to criticize me all the time! Now it's my turn to be the critic. I give you one thumb up: stick it up your ass! At first I couldn't understand what smelled so bad when I spent time with you, but now it's clear: you're spoiled like a piece of meat left out in the sun. You don't live in a soap opera, so quit causing so much drama. I'm not a puppet, you can't just control me by pulling on a string, so why do you try to control everything I do? I need my freedom, and there's nothing you can do about it. Another problem is that you're irresponsible, and I just don't want to put up with the consequences of your decisions anymore. What really breaks the deal is your horrible grammar. Srsly d00d, learn 2 rite a sentance!
Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. Why are you so boring? I've seen rocks that are more interesting than you. I never want to see you again, jerkface! Stay away from me or I'll beat you with a frozen salmon. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.
Sincerely,

I miss you and I hate the fact that I do.

I hate the fact that I am generally missing you. I miss your sarcastic humor, the fact that I found your facial expressions so funny when you didn't like the taste of certain foods. I hate the fact that I still care about you and still think about you and wish you were here with me and all the while knowing you don't care what I am doing. I hate the fact that "we" will never be anymore. That my friends and family tell me that you're not that good for me, that I could do better. I know that. Except, I miss you and I wish you didn't go breaking my heart. I know that you're an asshole, but somehow, a part of me is still believing that you're not. That you're scared of who you could be, that you and I could be, but you're afraid that maybe you don't deserve anything good.

I hate the fact that today, I found something funny, and I wanted to share it with you but remember you don't love me and that you're not there. I hate the fact that while you are probably going on with your life and have forgotten me, I am hoping that you still care.

I want to erase my memories of you. You hurt me, you're still hurting me. I am still hurting me by remembering you. I miss how you hold me and told me that you never wanted to share me with anyone, that I was someone special to you. That you saw a future with me. That I felt safe when I was just held in your arms.

I hate the fact that I hate you for doing this to me....
and I wish things were different....
That love didn't hurt this much....
Love really hurts...
I wish I never fell in love.

It's Been Two weeks

Tomorrow, actually, will be the two week mark when I had my heart broken. I've been crying a lot. Grieving has been a big part of this journey. I know it hurts those around me to see me in such a state, and it doesn't do me any good to be so down right depress. I sleep a lot, but if it wasn't for school last week, I would have slept the week away. On Friday, I tried to pull myself together. What is worst is that I keep seeing pictures of him being happy and about from picture albums from his friends who are still on my facebook. It hurts me to see he's moved on so suddenly because it makes me wonder if he really did care. The lines are often blurred when you are dealing with someone very unpredictable.

But I move on...

You have to, if you want to have any sort of life. You get up and try to live your life with all the hope and strength you have to muster. It's hard. So Friday, I did just that. I spent Friday, all day pulling myself together. I spent Friday making the red puffy eyes into elegant beautiful ones that were ready to face the world. I took a shower. Not that I haven't been showering, but I took a nice long one and really exfoliated the skin on my legs, belly, arms etc. Then I put on the beautiful dress, the one that I had bought for New Year's Eve, the one that I was going to surprise my now ex-boyfriend with.

I was suppose to go to my friend's Adam's party, but I waited for my best friend to get done his supper with his friends to come and join me. It was good because I really didn't want to be alone. I needed my close friends to lift me up. So I went to Adam's party with my best friend, except we didn't stay long because I was so hurt when everyone kept on asking me if I was okay. I couldn't compose myself and ended up crying and so I knew I had to leave. So my friend, God bless him, took me to the clubs and we ended up having a amazing time. The Dj that I spoke to on the radio ended up sharing a shot with me. And life was happy for that moment. I got some pictures and I wish I could say that one night eliminated the pain of a broken heart, but it didn't. Broken hearts take a long time to heal. Especially ones that have no explainations as to why they became broken in the first place. But as the story goes, pain today, gain tomorrow. Lessons learned about giving your heart away so easily.

I did heal a bit with the fact that I looked fab, and wonderfully amazing that night and well I've been getting compliments from a lot of people on how great I look. This too is part of the healing process, because when you get rejected sometimes your self-esteem takes a beating. So for now, week two, heading into week three, the healing is happening, slowly, but amazingly wonderful.

Peace out.
Miss Mae

Another song to keep me going :(

God Bless the Broken road :(
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

Listening to the Radio :)

I haven't heard this song in such a while but when I was driving today and starting to miss Justin, this song took on a second life for me. I liked it for the tune, but now I understand the lyrics through experience.

Get Over You - Chris Daughtry

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Still Hurt?

What can I say, this has been a rollercoaster of a week. I can't concentrate because well when you have a break up you have to learn to grieve. Except my heart has being going through hell and back.

There are days when I just want to yell at him, telling him the words of YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!! but then there are days that I feel sorry for him and would take him back if he asked. The problem is that I know he is sick and he's not doing anything about it. He hurt me and I can't do anything about it. It's effecting my sleep, my day time...

I am taking classes right now, but that doesn't help a lot, because I am a bit bored in them. They're good in a way because they help me forget about the heartache and pain. But then I forget that we broke up and think, "wow, Justin should hear about this" then I ever so kindly reminded...oh yeah...right.

I know I was way better for him, but why didn't I see that before? Was I too in a rush? Was I blinded by his smile? I don't know. Maybe he's the first guy that I could be my goofy self without them thinking man I should ditch this girl. Of course he just wanted to use me for my body. I guess that in a way could be positive. Guys find me hot. But I want a guy who finds more attraction than my body. I want a guy who finds my soul wonderful. Who laughs with me at my silliness and takes life on through eyes of an optimist....

And maybe that's the point as to why I thought Justin was a good match. Because when I met him, I felt he could take on the world. That he was truely and optimist that saw better things in the clouds ahead. But that only lasts for the cycle he's in. He became cruel when he would lash out at me for no reason other than a trigger in his chemical make up. He became obsessive with work and had little time for me. He would drink a lot. He would talk about other girls and just objectifiy the female species into boobs and asses. Of course when I asked him, what was his favourite thing, it was strange...he liked girls hair the best. He hated mushrooms, except the drug kinds...should have taken the hint that maybe he was still doing drugs. He was skinny as heck, his bones could be seen on his back. He had smokers teeth, you could tell the enamel was eatten through. But despite this, I was blinded by his ability to charm me telling me he really did care.

This was us at halloween. I did his make up but really, I didn't have a lot to do.

Miss Mae

My Bi-polar ex boyfriend

So it's been a week since Justin broke up with me. I am a little hurt because I did see a future with him. But I know it's really for the best since he has had a track record that doesn't speak too well. Part of the reason he is the way he is, is due to his illness. He has Bi-polar 2 and it has affected our relationship to the point where he either through selfish reasons, or unselfish ones, has ended our relationship. Looking back, with his former drug use, and continual drinking, it made it really hard to be in that sort of relationship. He was verbally abusive sometimes and felt some days that I was walking on egg shells because I never knew what would trigger a sudden mood swing. I care about him a lot still, and I hope for the best that he doesn't end up hurting himself because he's under a lot of stress. Even though he was an asshole on the way he broke up, I fell in love with this passionate guy who did at one point love me and was so wonderful to me. Since I am not in his life anymore, I just pray that someone watches over him and that he doesn't end up killing himself because he gets in really dark phase before. That worries me because although he has friends, they are heavy drinkers and it pulls him along. If he knows he's bi-polar 2 he should stay away from drinking, and drugs because it will mess him up.
I don't know what to do except pray.

Lord, I haven't been the best Christian, and I know Justin isn't one, but I ask you to please help him straighten his life out. Despite the hurt he has given me, I ask that you clean my heart and body and soul and from your loving grace, forgive and heal both of us. Help me find forgiveness, and mercy on myself and let me surrender my past to you because I already know you have forgiven me. My prayer for him is that he see's his wrongs and that you would intervene in his life and call him to your ways and through this, I know that he can be healed of his illness. Just like you called my daddy to your ways, and have helped my sister too and changed my family, I ask that you do whatever you need to do to bring Justin to you. I pray that you will heal him.

In your name, I pray.

Miss Mae

Kissing Frogs

I usually have reflections this time of year. Thoughts about the past and thoughts toward the future. This time around I've especially needed time to reflect. Most of you are probably wondering by now, if you saw my depressing statuses, what I've been through. So I might as well purge and explain my heart ache.

About four months ago, I thought I met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He was funny, he was cute, and he was into the same things I was into, he really did make me happy. However there was one big difference between us, no it wasn't race, I've dated guys from different cultures and backgrounds before, but the one difference that made the difference was that is he is Bi-polar 2 and I wasn't. I thought I was at times in my life but therapy cleared that one up for me :) Seeing that I am pretty much easy going and loving person, I thought I can handle this. Things were great for the first few months. He showed up on time, he payed for dates, he even was eager to meet my parents. He introduced me to his wonderful funny, and amazing friends and family. He would talk to me about the future, even asking me to move in with him. He wanted children, he wanted a family, he was accepting of gays and lesbians, he seemed like a perfect guy. He told me things that every girl wants to hear. He told me that he would never let me go and that I would probably be the one to break his heart. He told me lies. And foolish and romantic enough as I am, I believed him. He even told me he loved me and felt that up until then he would never find another woman who he could see a future with. Everything seemed great...that was until he got back from Mexico about a month ago.

I was thrilled to see him come home. I missed him so much. He said he had a surprise for me and if anyone knows me, knows that I'm usually the one to solve it out. When I told him my guess after much thought, I told him that I figured the surprise out and we we're going to the carosol at Chinook. He blew up. He was angry. I thought this was strange behavior, but I kept my cool. In a way I felt his anger was all my fault for upsetting him and I felt bad. He ignored me for a few days and I was heart broken. I was sure it was over but then he called me on the day we were to go out and said that we we're still going. I was happy and when he came to pick me up I was just happy to be with him. It was like the fight never happened. So things were going fine. He would be grumpy from work because he works hard, or doesn't know how to divide up work so that he doesn't have to work hard but either way it was causing him stress. From what I learned about Bi-polar 2 is that stress is a trigger for mood instability, but I didn't think it could happen to him, after all he was the guy I loved and he loved me, he wouldn't hurt me right? He was after all on his natural medication right?

Forward closer to Christmas, a week before. He calls me over. I come over to watch a movie. When I get there he is busy working. I try to give him a hug he pulls away and says he's not in the mood. He hasn't seen me for almost a week by then. I sit by his side while he works for a few hours. Then we go watch a movie and everything seems fine. I enjoy that he is spending time with me and he seems like the guy I met before all of his work stress. Later on that week we talk on msn and he starts to pick on me and is saying how he feels he's always correcting me. I ignore it or try to explain myself to him that is just who I am, I am strange and he doesn't need to correct me. Nothing came of that so I thought things were hunki dory.

Okay so he becomes to busy during the week, until I call him up Sunday. By this time he has gotten sick with the cold and being the person I am, I make him chicken noodle soup meal, bring it to his house, do his room mates dishes, and make him tea. I wanted him to feel better and I was loving him the best way I knew how, by caring for him. He was suppose to have a conference call earlier but the call was moved to later time when I visited him. I end up sitting by myself. He goes upstairs by the door in his pj's because he needs reception. After a while I get worried because his cold might get worst because he sitting to a colder area so I try to go into his room to get his jacket to keep him warm. He doesn't even care but yells at me because he thinks I am going to spoil my Christmas gift. I eventually end up leaving just as he finishes his call because I had to leave to see a movie with my sisters. I kiss him goodbye and he said he would call. No call. Finally by Christmas eve, he does call but I'm busy in the kitchen so I didn't get his call. I call him back when I do and he speaks 3 sentences, one to tell me he is busy playing games, two to tell me that I should call him tomorrow and three says good bye. Christmas day, I arrive at his house, hoping to spend sometime with him but he rushes us off to his mom's house where I spend Christmas day with his family. His family is amazing. I love them, so friendly and warm people. We we're so happy that day. He bought me an expensive tripod for Christmas and I was like "Hunny, we should go take some photos together." I was happy. Then we went to my family's dessert where he met my wonderful family. After that he drove me back to his place so I can get my car so I could go home. Yes I had to drive to his place sometimes. I didn't mind but I see my mistake now. Boxing day came and he showed up early for our boxing day dinner at my house with my friends. He was laughing and enjoying himself as well. He was still sick so I made him tea, we joked a bit to. Nothing seemed wrong and I was happy. I went out during the weekend and was busy spending time with my friends. He e-mailed me to help my friend out with her computer problem but nothing besides business talk. I figured he was busy. I texted him and facebooked him on Monday to see if he wanted to go for wings. I ended up calling him when the 6'o clock mark came to see if he was okay because I knew he was sick and I wanted to check up on him. I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him and that I cared. He answered with "I Don't Want to go for Chicken wings!!! I would have called you if I would have gone!!!" I didn't even get to say hello. I was surprised at the yelling but I also knew sometimes when he is upset, that is what he does. So I said, I wasn't calling about that, I wanted to see how you were. "well I'm having a bad day" I'm sorry...I don't know what to say...then he hangs up...click. Of course I was hurt. So I put my facebook status to being hurt. You don't take your anger out on your girlfriend ever or anyone else for that matter, especially if they don't have anything to do with the situation.

Okay so I thought, well that's just him having a bad day as usual. Right? So New Year's Eve will be the same old Justin Smith that he was...wrong. I came home Tuesday night after hanging out with friends to find that he had deleted and blocked me from facebook. I was shocked and hurt. I didn't even know what to do. I finally checked my e-mail only to find an e-mail telling me that he was stressed and that he can't handle a relationship and he admitted that he is an asshole.

"Lately, I've been so busy with work and trying to get myself better that I've had even less time than usual to spend with you. Unfortunately with January looming, the business is only going to get crazier and right now I can't extricate myself from that, if I want any part of (his company) *or* myself to succeed in the new year.

With all of that said, I don't think I can continue this. I still care about you and want to see you happy, but with the way things are going, this is going to get much harder before it gets better."

This is how I found out I was no longer wanted. I wrote him back telling him I wanted to work things out. That I loved him. That if any of the 4 months meant anything he would try to contact me. He hasn't. He hasn't had the balls to be a man with integrity and to tell me to my face. He just cut me off without warning.

"I guess as they say "our most difficult times bring out our true colours" and it seems like my true colours are that underneath my soft, chocolatey coating is a thick layer of nougat-y flavoured asshole. You deserve someone much better than me, someone who will not only care about you, but who can see you more often than once a week, and who can show you a stable life ahead rather than a broken life past."

So New Year's Eve was spent with a broken heart and the purging of my closet to help ease the pain :) But it was a good New Year's eve, in that I've learned a valuable lesson about love, never give your heart away to frogs if they're not ready to be princes.

I guess he was right though, in the long run it would have been worst for me and he would have been more verbally abusive and his negative Nancy attitude would have turned me into a depress person after I've worked so hard to turn myself around. He's not a bad guy though, he's just really an asshole at times when he is understress and I'm glad he feels that I deserve better because I know I do. I still cared for him despite his short comings, but he hurt me so bad that for a short while I didn't want to live. I felt used by him. But what can I do except be an artist and maybe write a play or a movie script about this guy later down the road lol maybe, or at least what my playwriting teacher encourages us to use life as a source of creativity. After all life's experiences are the best sources for a playwright and he's given me the best material. If I ever come in contact with him again, I will wish him well because although he took a lot away from me, he's given me the best lesson and gift this year of 2008 which is learn to forgive and move on despite what others do to you. :D I just hope that the next girl he meets, he doesn't break her heart as badly as he did mine and that she doesn't give away her heart so foolishly as I did mine.

To 2009, may the lessons of 2008 stay with me and make me into a stronger woman that I am.