Still Hurt?

What can I say, this has been a rollercoaster of a week. I can't concentrate because well when you have a break up you have to learn to grieve. Except my heart has being going through hell and back.

There are days when I just want to yell at him, telling him the words of YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!! but then there are days that I feel sorry for him and would take him back if he asked. The problem is that I know he is sick and he's not doing anything about it. He hurt me and I can't do anything about it. It's effecting my sleep, my day time...

I am taking classes right now, but that doesn't help a lot, because I am a bit bored in them. They're good in a way because they help me forget about the heartache and pain. But then I forget that we broke up and think, "wow, Justin should hear about this" then I ever so kindly reminded...oh yeah...right.

I know I was way better for him, but why didn't I see that before? Was I too in a rush? Was I blinded by his smile? I don't know. Maybe he's the first guy that I could be my goofy self without them thinking man I should ditch this girl. Of course he just wanted to use me for my body. I guess that in a way could be positive. Guys find me hot. But I want a guy who finds more attraction than my body. I want a guy who finds my soul wonderful. Who laughs with me at my silliness and takes life on through eyes of an optimist....

And maybe that's the point as to why I thought Justin was a good match. Because when I met him, I felt he could take on the world. That he was truely and optimist that saw better things in the clouds ahead. But that only lasts for the cycle he's in. He became cruel when he would lash out at me for no reason other than a trigger in his chemical make up. He became obsessive with work and had little time for me. He would drink a lot. He would talk about other girls and just objectifiy the female species into boobs and asses. Of course when I asked him, what was his favourite thing, it was strange...he liked girls hair the best. He hated mushrooms, except the drug kinds...should have taken the hint that maybe he was still doing drugs. He was skinny as heck, his bones could be seen on his back. He had smokers teeth, you could tell the enamel was eatten through. But despite this, I was blinded by his ability to charm me telling me he really did care.

This was us at halloween. I did his make up but really, I didn't have a lot to do.

Miss Mae