Thinking and thinking and thinking and oh did I mention thinking?
So it's strange. My birthday is not until Friday and two people already wished me happy birthday, not that I'm complaining since usually 1. It rains on my birthday, 2. My family usually forgets and calls me via several days after the year of my birth has passed.
But I'm not even worried.
What does make me terrified is that here I am just days away from turning another year and I'm asking myself...so what's the point. I think with the news lately I should just turn my t.v. off because the world doesn't make sense and neither does the half hearted relationships with guys make any sense. Nothing makes sense to me. And a problem I've had to deal with lately is spending on my credit card because shopping therapy is probably the only thing that makes sense but in the long run will hurt me.
So what is troubling me? I don't know. Maybe after reading Marty Chan's play last night about Maggie's last dance has really gotten me to fear my highschool reunion which is only like in 2 more years...I fear I'm getting old and I just haven't done enough in life.
It's going to sound weird but I keep having dreams of my death at 30. So far a lot and when I mean a lot, I mean more than a lifetime of dreams or visions have come true...so what if this one does? That means I have only 4 years to make my life worth anything. Four years!! And two of them or at least another 1 year and a half will be spent finishing a degree where the education is great but being a minority sucks sometimes when you don't feel that you belong because your culture is not the same as others, so socially awkward as usual. Then there is the issue of me wanting so much to be in Vancouver. Just so I can try to find me in a city that is known as Hongcouver.
My deadline has passed. My perfect age of enlightenment is soon to be gone and what I thougt I'd be is nothing but a changing device just like my research in which nothing is defined in a well confined box of understanding.
So to say...I've been thinking. I feel like a bird in a cage but I'm not sure if I want out, or how I got there or if I will continue to sing because even birds in cages sing yet what if I don't know the right tune or if for some stupid reason I realise I'm not a bird but a very creative insane person who over thinks things and just really has a lot of Strum and Strang going on ?
Okay done thinking because I think that I need to stop thinking and start living. End of communication.
But I'm not even worried.
What does make me terrified is that here I am just days away from turning another year and I'm asking myself...so what's the point. I think with the news lately I should just turn my t.v. off because the world doesn't make sense and neither does the half hearted relationships with guys make any sense. Nothing makes sense to me. And a problem I've had to deal with lately is spending on my credit card because shopping therapy is probably the only thing that makes sense but in the long run will hurt me.
So what is troubling me? I don't know. Maybe after reading Marty Chan's play last night about Maggie's last dance has really gotten me to fear my highschool reunion which is only like in 2 more years...I fear I'm getting old and I just haven't done enough in life.
It's going to sound weird but I keep having dreams of my death at 30. So far a lot and when I mean a lot, I mean more than a lifetime of dreams or visions have come true...so what if this one does? That means I have only 4 years to make my life worth anything. Four years!! And two of them or at least another 1 year and a half will be spent finishing a degree where the education is great but being a minority sucks sometimes when you don't feel that you belong because your culture is not the same as others, so socially awkward as usual. Then there is the issue of me wanting so much to be in Vancouver. Just so I can try to find me in a city that is known as Hongcouver.
My deadline has passed. My perfect age of enlightenment is soon to be gone and what I thougt I'd be is nothing but a changing device just like my research in which nothing is defined in a well confined box of understanding.
So to say...I've been thinking. I feel like a bird in a cage but I'm not sure if I want out, or how I got there or if I will continue to sing because even birds in cages sing yet what if I don't know the right tune or if for some stupid reason I realise I'm not a bird but a very creative insane person who over thinks things and just really has a lot of Strum and Strang going on ?
Okay done thinking because I think that I need to stop thinking and start living. End of communication.
posted by Miss Mae | 9:09 PM
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