What if what you wanted to do now is not what you want to do?
Okay, maybe I just need to go away for a while and hide in a cabin with no access to people. It's just that this weekof just trying to do homework has made me think that maybe, just maybe I don't want to do this degree anymore.
That maybe I don't really know what I want to do anymore...and that is bad. Very bad. Life doesn't stop because you don't have a clue how to live it. For once, Mae is stuck. No path, no guidance. Stuck!! Since I already spent so much time, and money doing this it's hard to leave especially since I'm not getting younger and time and life doesn't wait till you're ready.
Except what if you thought what you wanted to do may not be what you really want to do and what you really want to do is still out there. My heart is no longer singing, just doing. I feel stuck in a rut! I no longer get excited to go to school to act, to go to school to learn about theatre, to go to school. I am not even excited to go to school to do this stupid puppet thing. I hate puppets and I always will. I am no longer scared of them, I've grown to hate them. In fact if I could be violent I would beat the crap out of my poor little puppet with a baseball bat and kick it high in the air, light it on fire and then dance on the ashes, more or less speaking.
I can't even write these days. I have to get my play done and I just don't care to write. I just don't want to be in school...but then what else am I suppose to do. I don't want to become a lawyer or a teacher or anything that my dad is trying to sell me into. I don't want to be a owner of a stupid icecream shop. I don't want to be suck in an office. What are my options? Maybe that's why people take mind altering drugs to escape for a while. I don't even think escaping for a while would help because I would have to escape forever to really enjoy it.
I want to feel alive again. That I want that feeling I had on tour where I woke up almost every day thinking "I can't believe this is my life. I love it." I want to wake up with that feeling that I love what I'm doing because it makes me crave it more than anything else. I think I will die if I don't find that. I don't want to just earn money so that I can live because what's the point of living if its just to wake up to a mundane life with a mundane job, with everything is as it is. I want adventure in the world, but it seems lately that my life has become mundane, ordinary. Boring!
How do I get out of this? I read every freaking book on the market that talks about how to live the life you were made to, both Christian and non Christian. I'm stuck. I'm stuck
That maybe I don't really know what I want to do anymore...and that is bad. Very bad. Life doesn't stop because you don't have a clue how to live it. For once, Mae is stuck. No path, no guidance. Stuck!! Since I already spent so much time, and money doing this it's hard to leave especially since I'm not getting younger and time and life doesn't wait till you're ready.
Except what if you thought what you wanted to do may not be what you really want to do and what you really want to do is still out there. My heart is no longer singing, just doing. I feel stuck in a rut! I no longer get excited to go to school to act, to go to school to learn about theatre, to go to school. I am not even excited to go to school to do this stupid puppet thing. I hate puppets and I always will. I am no longer scared of them, I've grown to hate them. In fact if I could be violent I would beat the crap out of my poor little puppet with a baseball bat and kick it high in the air, light it on fire and then dance on the ashes, more or less speaking.
I can't even write these days. I have to get my play done and I just don't care to write. I just don't want to be in school...but then what else am I suppose to do. I don't want to become a lawyer or a teacher or anything that my dad is trying to sell me into. I don't want to be a owner of a stupid icecream shop. I don't want to be suck in an office. What are my options? Maybe that's why people take mind altering drugs to escape for a while. I don't even think escaping for a while would help because I would have to escape forever to really enjoy it.
I want to feel alive again. That I want that feeling I had on tour where I woke up almost every day thinking "I can't believe this is my life. I love it." I want to wake up with that feeling that I love what I'm doing because it makes me crave it more than anything else. I think I will die if I don't find that. I don't want to just earn money so that I can live because what's the point of living if its just to wake up to a mundane life with a mundane job, with everything is as it is. I want adventure in the world, but it seems lately that my life has become mundane, ordinary. Boring!
How do I get out of this? I read every freaking book on the market that talks about how to live the life you were made to, both Christian and non Christian. I'm stuck. I'm stuck
posted by Miss Mae | 12:59 PM
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