Kissing Frogs
I usually have reflections this time of year. Thoughts about the past and thoughts toward the future. This time around I've especially needed time to reflect. Most of you are probably wondering by now, if you saw my depressing statuses, what I've been through. So I might as well purge and explain my heart ache.
About four months ago, I thought I met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He was funny, he was cute, and he was into the same things I was into, he really did make me happy. However there was one big difference between us, no it wasn't race, I've dated guys from different cultures and backgrounds before, but the one difference that made the difference was that is he is Bi-polar 2 and I wasn't. I thought I was at times in my life but therapy cleared that one up for me :) Seeing that I am pretty much easy going and loving person, I thought I can handle this. Things were great for the first few months. He showed up on time, he payed for dates, he even was eager to meet my parents. He introduced me to his wonderful funny, and amazing friends and family. He would talk to me about the future, even asking me to move in with him. He wanted children, he wanted a family, he was accepting of gays and lesbians, he seemed like a perfect guy. He told me things that every girl wants to hear. He told me that he would never let me go and that I would probably be the one to break his heart. He told me lies. And foolish and romantic enough as I am, I believed him. He even told me he loved me and felt that up until then he would never find another woman who he could see a future with. Everything seemed great...that was until he got back from Mexico about a month ago.
I was thrilled to see him come home. I missed him so much. He said he had a surprise for me and if anyone knows me, knows that I'm usually the one to solve it out. When I told him my guess after much thought, I told him that I figured the surprise out and we we're going to the carosol at Chinook. He blew up. He was angry. I thought this was strange behavior, but I kept my cool. In a way I felt his anger was all my fault for upsetting him and I felt bad. He ignored me for a few days and I was heart broken. I was sure it was over but then he called me on the day we were to go out and said that we we're still going. I was happy and when he came to pick me up I was just happy to be with him. It was like the fight never happened. So things were going fine. He would be grumpy from work because he works hard, or doesn't know how to divide up work so that he doesn't have to work hard but either way it was causing him stress. From what I learned about Bi-polar 2 is that stress is a trigger for mood instability, but I didn't think it could happen to him, after all he was the guy I loved and he loved me, he wouldn't hurt me right? He was after all on his natural medication right?
Forward closer to Christmas, a week before. He calls me over. I come over to watch a movie. When I get there he is busy working. I try to give him a hug he pulls away and says he's not in the mood. He hasn't seen me for almost a week by then. I sit by his side while he works for a few hours. Then we go watch a movie and everything seems fine. I enjoy that he is spending time with me and he seems like the guy I met before all of his work stress. Later on that week we talk on msn and he starts to pick on me and is saying how he feels he's always correcting me. I ignore it or try to explain myself to him that is just who I am, I am strange and he doesn't need to correct me. Nothing came of that so I thought things were hunki dory.
Okay so he becomes to busy during the week, until I call him up Sunday. By this time he has gotten sick with the cold and being the person I am, I make him chicken noodle soup meal, bring it to his house, do his room mates dishes, and make him tea. I wanted him to feel better and I was loving him the best way I knew how, by caring for him. He was suppose to have a conference call earlier but the call was moved to later time when I visited him. I end up sitting by myself. He goes upstairs by the door in his pj's because he needs reception. After a while I get worried because his cold might get worst because he sitting to a colder area so I try to go into his room to get his jacket to keep him warm. He doesn't even care but yells at me because he thinks I am going to spoil my Christmas gift. I eventually end up leaving just as he finishes his call because I had to leave to see a movie with my sisters. I kiss him goodbye and he said he would call. No call. Finally by Christmas eve, he does call but I'm busy in the kitchen so I didn't get his call. I call him back when I do and he speaks 3 sentences, one to tell me he is busy playing games, two to tell me that I should call him tomorrow and three says good bye. Christmas day, I arrive at his house, hoping to spend sometime with him but he rushes us off to his mom's house where I spend Christmas day with his family. His family is amazing. I love them, so friendly and warm people. We we're so happy that day. He bought me an expensive tripod for Christmas and I was like "Hunny, we should go take some photos together." I was happy. Then we went to my family's dessert where he met my wonderful family. After that he drove me back to his place so I can get my car so I could go home. Yes I had to drive to his place sometimes. I didn't mind but I see my mistake now. Boxing day came and he showed up early for our boxing day dinner at my house with my friends. He was laughing and enjoying himself as well. He was still sick so I made him tea, we joked a bit to. Nothing seemed wrong and I was happy. I went out during the weekend and was busy spending time with my friends. He e-mailed me to help my friend out with her computer problem but nothing besides business talk. I figured he was busy. I texted him and facebooked him on Monday to see if he wanted to go for wings. I ended up calling him when the 6'o clock mark came to see if he was okay because I knew he was sick and I wanted to check up on him. I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him and that I cared. He answered with "I Don't Want to go for Chicken wings!!! I would have called you if I would have gone!!!" I didn't even get to say hello. I was surprised at the yelling but I also knew sometimes when he is upset, that is what he does. So I said, I wasn't calling about that, I wanted to see how you were. "well I'm having a bad day" I'm sorry...I don't know what to say...then he hangs up...click. Of course I was hurt. So I put my facebook status to being hurt. You don't take your anger out on your girlfriend ever or anyone else for that matter, especially if they don't have anything to do with the situation.
Okay so I thought, well that's just him having a bad day as usual. Right? So New Year's Eve will be the same old Justin Smith that he was...wrong. I came home Tuesday night after hanging out with friends to find that he had deleted and blocked me from facebook. I was shocked and hurt. I didn't even know what to do. I finally checked my e-mail only to find an e-mail telling me that he was stressed and that he can't handle a relationship and he admitted that he is an asshole.
"Lately, I've been so busy with work and trying to get myself better that I've had even less time than usual to spend with you. Unfortunately with January looming, the business is only going to get crazier and right now I can't extricate myself from that, if I want any part of (his company) *or* myself to succeed in the new year.
With all of that said, I don't think I can continue this. I still care about you and want to see you happy, but with the way things are going, this is going to get much harder before it gets better."
This is how I found out I was no longer wanted. I wrote him back telling him I wanted to work things out. That I loved him. That if any of the 4 months meant anything he would try to contact me. He hasn't. He hasn't had the balls to be a man with integrity and to tell me to my face. He just cut me off without warning.
"I guess as they say "our most difficult times bring out our true colours" and it seems like my true colours are that underneath my soft, chocolatey coating is a thick layer of nougat-y flavoured asshole. You deserve someone much better than me, someone who will not only care about you, but who can see you more often than once a week, and who can show you a stable life ahead rather than a broken life past."
So New Year's Eve was spent with a broken heart and the purging of my closet to help ease the pain :) But it was a good New Year's eve, in that I've learned a valuable lesson about love, never give your heart away to frogs if they're not ready to be princes.
I guess he was right though, in the long run it would have been worst for me and he would have been more verbally abusive and his negative Nancy attitude would have turned me into a depress person after I've worked so hard to turn myself around. He's not a bad guy though, he's just really an asshole at times when he is understress and I'm glad he feels that I deserve better because I know I do. I still cared for him despite his short comings, but he hurt me so bad that for a short while I didn't want to live. I felt used by him. But what can I do except be an artist and maybe write a play or a movie script about this guy later down the road lol maybe, or at least what my playwriting teacher encourages us to use life as a source of creativity. After all life's experiences are the best sources for a playwright and he's given me the best material. If I ever come in contact with him again, I will wish him well because although he took a lot away from me, he's given me the best lesson and gift this year of 2008 which is learn to forgive and move on despite what others do to you. :D I just hope that the next girl he meets, he doesn't break her heart as badly as he did mine and that she doesn't give away her heart so foolishly as I did mine.
To 2009, may the lessons of 2008 stay with me and make me into a stronger woman that I am.
About four months ago, I thought I met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He was funny, he was cute, and he was into the same things I was into, he really did make me happy. However there was one big difference between us, no it wasn't race, I've dated guys from different cultures and backgrounds before, but the one difference that made the difference was that is he is Bi-polar 2 and I wasn't. I thought I was at times in my life but therapy cleared that one up for me :) Seeing that I am pretty much easy going and loving person, I thought I can handle this. Things were great for the first few months. He showed up on time, he payed for dates, he even was eager to meet my parents. He introduced me to his wonderful funny, and amazing friends and family. He would talk to me about the future, even asking me to move in with him. He wanted children, he wanted a family, he was accepting of gays and lesbians, he seemed like a perfect guy. He told me things that every girl wants to hear. He told me that he would never let me go and that I would probably be the one to break his heart. He told me lies. And foolish and romantic enough as I am, I believed him. He even told me he loved me and felt that up until then he would never find another woman who he could see a future with. Everything seemed great...that was until he got back from Mexico about a month ago.
I was thrilled to see him come home. I missed him so much. He said he had a surprise for me and if anyone knows me, knows that I'm usually the one to solve it out. When I told him my guess after much thought, I told him that I figured the surprise out and we we're going to the carosol at Chinook. He blew up. He was angry. I thought this was strange behavior, but I kept my cool. In a way I felt his anger was all my fault for upsetting him and I felt bad. He ignored me for a few days and I was heart broken. I was sure it was over but then he called me on the day we were to go out and said that we we're still going. I was happy and when he came to pick me up I was just happy to be with him. It was like the fight never happened. So things were going fine. He would be grumpy from work because he works hard, or doesn't know how to divide up work so that he doesn't have to work hard but either way it was causing him stress. From what I learned about Bi-polar 2 is that stress is a trigger for mood instability, but I didn't think it could happen to him, after all he was the guy I loved and he loved me, he wouldn't hurt me right? He was after all on his natural medication right?
Forward closer to Christmas, a week before. He calls me over. I come over to watch a movie. When I get there he is busy working. I try to give him a hug he pulls away and says he's not in the mood. He hasn't seen me for almost a week by then. I sit by his side while he works for a few hours. Then we go watch a movie and everything seems fine. I enjoy that he is spending time with me and he seems like the guy I met before all of his work stress. Later on that week we talk on msn and he starts to pick on me and is saying how he feels he's always correcting me. I ignore it or try to explain myself to him that is just who I am, I am strange and he doesn't need to correct me. Nothing came of that so I thought things were hunki dory.
Okay so he becomes to busy during the week, until I call him up Sunday. By this time he has gotten sick with the cold and being the person I am, I make him chicken noodle soup meal, bring it to his house, do his room mates dishes, and make him tea. I wanted him to feel better and I was loving him the best way I knew how, by caring for him. He was suppose to have a conference call earlier but the call was moved to later time when I visited him. I end up sitting by myself. He goes upstairs by the door in his pj's because he needs reception. After a while I get worried because his cold might get worst because he sitting to a colder area so I try to go into his room to get his jacket to keep him warm. He doesn't even care but yells at me because he thinks I am going to spoil my Christmas gift. I eventually end up leaving just as he finishes his call because I had to leave to see a movie with my sisters. I kiss him goodbye and he said he would call. No call. Finally by Christmas eve, he does call but I'm busy in the kitchen so I didn't get his call. I call him back when I do and he speaks 3 sentences, one to tell me he is busy playing games, two to tell me that I should call him tomorrow and three says good bye. Christmas day, I arrive at his house, hoping to spend sometime with him but he rushes us off to his mom's house where I spend Christmas day with his family. His family is amazing. I love them, so friendly and warm people. We we're so happy that day. He bought me an expensive tripod for Christmas and I was like "Hunny, we should go take some photos together." I was happy. Then we went to my family's dessert where he met my wonderful family. After that he drove me back to his place so I can get my car so I could go home. Yes I had to drive to his place sometimes. I didn't mind but I see my mistake now. Boxing day came and he showed up early for our boxing day dinner at my house with my friends. He was laughing and enjoying himself as well. He was still sick so I made him tea, we joked a bit to. Nothing seemed wrong and I was happy. I went out during the weekend and was busy spending time with my friends. He e-mailed me to help my friend out with her computer problem but nothing besides business talk. I figured he was busy. I texted him and facebooked him on Monday to see if he wanted to go for wings. I ended up calling him when the 6'o clock mark came to see if he was okay because I knew he was sick and I wanted to check up on him. I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him and that I cared. He answered with "I Don't Want to go for Chicken wings!!! I would have called you if I would have gone!!!" I didn't even get to say hello. I was surprised at the yelling but I also knew sometimes when he is upset, that is what he does. So I said, I wasn't calling about that, I wanted to see how you were. "well I'm having a bad day" I'm sorry...I don't know what to say...then he hangs up...click. Of course I was hurt. So I put my facebook status to being hurt. You don't take your anger out on your girlfriend ever or anyone else for that matter, especially if they don't have anything to do with the situation.
Okay so I thought, well that's just him having a bad day as usual. Right? So New Year's Eve will be the same old Justin Smith that he was...wrong. I came home Tuesday night after hanging out with friends to find that he had deleted and blocked me from facebook. I was shocked and hurt. I didn't even know what to do. I finally checked my e-mail only to find an e-mail telling me that he was stressed and that he can't handle a relationship and he admitted that he is an asshole.
"Lately, I've been so busy with work and trying to get myself better that I've had even less time than usual to spend with you. Unfortunately with January looming, the business is only going to get crazier and right now I can't extricate myself from that, if I want any part of (his company) *or* myself to succeed in the new year.
With all of that said, I don't think I can continue this. I still care about you and want to see you happy, but with the way things are going, this is going to get much harder before it gets better."
This is how I found out I was no longer wanted. I wrote him back telling him I wanted to work things out. That I loved him. That if any of the 4 months meant anything he would try to contact me. He hasn't. He hasn't had the balls to be a man with integrity and to tell me to my face. He just cut me off without warning.
"I guess as they say "our most difficult times bring out our true colours" and it seems like my true colours are that underneath my soft, chocolatey coating is a thick layer of nougat-y flavoured asshole. You deserve someone much better than me, someone who will not only care about you, but who can see you more often than once a week, and who can show you a stable life ahead rather than a broken life past."
So New Year's Eve was spent with a broken heart and the purging of my closet to help ease the pain :) But it was a good New Year's eve, in that I've learned a valuable lesson about love, never give your heart away to frogs if they're not ready to be princes.
I guess he was right though, in the long run it would have been worst for me and he would have been more verbally abusive and his negative Nancy attitude would have turned me into a depress person after I've worked so hard to turn myself around. He's not a bad guy though, he's just really an asshole at times when he is understress and I'm glad he feels that I deserve better because I know I do. I still cared for him despite his short comings, but he hurt me so bad that for a short while I didn't want to live. I felt used by him. But what can I do except be an artist and maybe write a play or a movie script about this guy later down the road lol maybe, or at least what my playwriting teacher encourages us to use life as a source of creativity. After all life's experiences are the best sources for a playwright and he's given me the best material. If I ever come in contact with him again, I will wish him well because although he took a lot away from me, he's given me the best lesson and gift this year of 2008 which is learn to forgive and move on despite what others do to you. :D I just hope that the next girl he meets, he doesn't break her heart as badly as he did mine and that she doesn't give away her heart so foolishly as I did mine.
To 2009, may the lessons of 2008 stay with me and make me into a stronger woman that I am.
posted by Miss Mae | 1:50 PM
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