My moment of Insanity

*I almost pressed send...thank goodness I didn't.
Hey Cedric,

I know, you probably don't want to hear from me. I wanted to let you know I said things that I shouldn't have said because I was hurt. I miss you. I still love you but I'm trying each day not to love you because it hurts so much. You may not understand this but I don't want to be with anyone else but you or at least that's what my heart tells me right now. Nat's and Brian and Tina are all trying to set me up with all these guys, great guys that are good for me, but it doesn't matter because my heart wants you. I don't even know why... I've had a couple of great guys that have shown interest, guys are what I think is good for me, but I just can't get you off my mine. I know guys hate it when girls are sad. I know you probably hate it.

I really want to be strong for you so that you can move on with your life because we both deserve to find love and happiness once again. Sometimes my heart screams out because I would do anything to have you back. I don't care about the drugs. If I had know that it meant losing you then I wouldn't have cared. Mom says it's because I really loved you more than any of the other guys... if this is what love leads to then I'm not allowing myself to cry infront of another. I won't be vulnerable again.

Everyday I tell myself that I'm moving on. I'm starting my new job working with kids, it's part time but it's a start, just got offered it today :) I'm super excited because it's what I want to do. I'm also going to register for online school as well. I can't leave for at least a year because of Nat's wedding. It will be good though, maybe it's about time I settled down for a while. I'm trying to keep myself busy so that I don't have to think of you. There are moments that reminds me of you so much that it kills me. I may never understand what went wrong. In my eyes I didn't see that we had a lot of problems because most couples would fight but we didn't really fight. Though if one person wants out then it's just not meant to be. I ask God this each day knowing that it's His will but Cedric, I still wonder if you miss me or if you think about me, and I really do wish the best for you and if the best is not me, then I hope you find her. I get up and pray for you every morning now. I never use to pray for you so much but I read that if I pray for you it will help me heal too. I pray that you will be blessed with abundance of wealth, happiness, health and love.

I think about you and what you are doing right now. I went halloween shopping for my costume the other day, I couldn't wear the nurse costume since I'm going to be working with kids this halloween, and it needs to be appropriate. I had this thought that by Halloween you would have moved on already. Met someone at the club, she would been dressed in something sexy like the girls on your computers and you would have had a one night stand with her that probably ends up as something more. Or Brian would lend you a few of his picks ;)

I can see myself moving on too, I'm not sure when this heart stuff will go away, never thought I would ever love someone as much as I loved you. Tracey says to deny that I don't love you is to put a wall up and hide from the hurt. I know that I will probably end up with one of the guys I'm set up with who is good for me. Not that I love him, but he's good for me. I want to grow to love him but that means first letting you out of my heart so I can let someone new in.

Sorry this is a moment of my insanity. I'm broken and I'm down with the flu and my heart misses you.

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving :D I hope all is well with you and your family. I wish them the best as well.