Sometimes moving forward means standing still for a while. ~Being Erica
I haven't written in a while and it shows. My writings have been very sporadic these past few years as I was busy with school and a few love affairs. I'm back though. It happens when you're single and have a lot more to say.
Cedric and I broke up early this month. Well he broke up with me because he needed it in his life. I did the No Contact rule for me. Part of me tried to yell and tell myself a lie that I'm doing this in hopes that I will return to the once happy state of couple hood. The truth though is that although I miss him, my head is telling me it could never be. I've been doing some soul searching as of late, and I made up a list of positives and negatives about our relationship. Although there is more positive memo's on the sheet, the negatives hold more weight. It occurred to me, that maybe this is the best decision even though it hurts a lot more than I can tell. (Well at least some days when I'm left to deal with the reality that I'm no longer his gal, but I memory of his that shall fade with time.) Most of the time I'm not sad. Most of the time I see that we could never be because of faith and the fact that the boy rather keep his drugs then be with me.
Also as strange as it sounds, although I'm not ranking in the big bucks to afford my own place like he currently is, he even noticed that I'm closer to settling down than he is. Who would have known? I say this because at the current time in my life, I'm unemployed, and hoping to return to school to earn yet another education so that I may open more doors which I have yet to walk through. Silly isn't it. And yet here he is, he's been working for a while and yet he clings to his childhood. He's a soon to be 28 year old man who insists on downloading the latest Naruto and Sponge Bob Square Pants episodes, in addition to his drug use which he still insists to this day is not really a drug.
Ahh, but I still loved him. There are days I cry because I invested a lot and so did everyone else in my family. Especially coming off a break up that not only destroyed the person I was but did so much damage that it's hard to tell how it really has effected me. The heart of a woman should come with a warning to all men "Warning! Proceed with caution. Heart is fragile and will easily break if toyed with." Not that Cedric intentionally damage my heart, but he came in hoping to be the white night, instead he failed like most hero's do. It's well sort of inevitable.
Love comes and goes. The lucky one's find love for longer, but it still goes. My mom says that she doesn't want my dad to love her so much for when she goes to heaven, my father will follow and I will be an Orphan. Although she says I can't really be one since I'm way over the age of 18.
I watched Being Erica today. It was like my life on the mid screen. She ends up bumping into her ex and going for dinner just after she breaks up with her most recent love. In a way I felt and understood what a mistake I did when it played out on the screen. I wish I could take back time and not contact my first ex and end up talking about my most recent love. Yes it wasn't the smartest thing I did. However, I have yet to go to Cedric's house and plead to see him. The most was a letter and we've texted a few times.
I'm doing my best to do the NC rule, but some days it's easier than others. I guess what I'm saying is that break ups happen, and what I've learned from Being Erica is sometimes you need to just feel the pain and let time do the healing.
Although I've put myself out again in the dating world I'm not going to be looking for the next Mr. Right, I'm not even going to be looking for a rebound, just looking for friends. Getting to know the male population again in a purely platonic way.
Miss Mae
Cedric and I broke up early this month. Well he broke up with me because he needed it in his life. I did the No Contact rule for me. Part of me tried to yell and tell myself a lie that I'm doing this in hopes that I will return to the once happy state of couple hood. The truth though is that although I miss him, my head is telling me it could never be. I've been doing some soul searching as of late, and I made up a list of positives and negatives about our relationship. Although there is more positive memo's on the sheet, the negatives hold more weight. It occurred to me, that maybe this is the best decision even though it hurts a lot more than I can tell. (Well at least some days when I'm left to deal with the reality that I'm no longer his gal, but I memory of his that shall fade with time.) Most of the time I'm not sad. Most of the time I see that we could never be because of faith and the fact that the boy rather keep his drugs then be with me.
Also as strange as it sounds, although I'm not ranking in the big bucks to afford my own place like he currently is, he even noticed that I'm closer to settling down than he is. Who would have known? I say this because at the current time in my life, I'm unemployed, and hoping to return to school to earn yet another education so that I may open more doors which I have yet to walk through. Silly isn't it. And yet here he is, he's been working for a while and yet he clings to his childhood. He's a soon to be 28 year old man who insists on downloading the latest Naruto and Sponge Bob Square Pants episodes, in addition to his drug use which he still insists to this day is not really a drug.
Ahh, but I still loved him. There are days I cry because I invested a lot and so did everyone else in my family. Especially coming off a break up that not only destroyed the person I was but did so much damage that it's hard to tell how it really has effected me. The heart of a woman should come with a warning to all men "Warning! Proceed with caution. Heart is fragile and will easily break if toyed with." Not that Cedric intentionally damage my heart, but he came in hoping to be the white night, instead he failed like most hero's do. It's well sort of inevitable.
Love comes and goes. The lucky one's find love for longer, but it still goes. My mom says that she doesn't want my dad to love her so much for when she goes to heaven, my father will follow and I will be an Orphan. Although she says I can't really be one since I'm way over the age of 18.
I watched Being Erica today. It was like my life on the mid screen. She ends up bumping into her ex and going for dinner just after she breaks up with her most recent love. In a way I felt and understood what a mistake I did when it played out on the screen. I wish I could take back time and not contact my first ex and end up talking about my most recent love. Yes it wasn't the smartest thing I did. However, I have yet to go to Cedric's house and plead to see him. The most was a letter and we've texted a few times.
I'm doing my best to do the NC rule, but some days it's easier than others. I guess what I'm saying is that break ups happen, and what I've learned from Being Erica is sometimes you need to just feel the pain and let time do the healing.
Although I've put myself out again in the dating world I'm not going to be looking for the next Mr. Right, I'm not even going to be looking for a rebound, just looking for friends. Getting to know the male population again in a purely platonic way.
Miss Mae
posted by Miss Mae | 9:14 PM
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