Extremely Depressed

I woke up at 6:30am just to fall a sleep for 2.5 more hours of grueling nightmares. In one of my dreams I dreamt I was playing a game but it was a version of a surreal Super Mario game in which I became Bowser and I was smashing Mario under my foot and the former me. It was strange. I also dreamt that I was leaving the University Art Parkade except it was a lot bigger, had a lot more floors and the elevators lead to levels I wasn't trying to get to. I also so my friend and I wished him well with his love life.

I guess when I woke up I didn't feel in the mood to focus since I wasn't sure if I wanted to live. In my state of semi consious I thought about how the world would be better off without me. How I would be much happier floating around as a ghost with no more debt, responsibilities and no more cares. I would just be observing life and not have to be a active participant.

I guess it scares me because I look at my life and I'm like is this really where I want to be? I've started a business and I'm afraid that I can't make it a success and let myself down. My mom won't lend me a money and I'm still trying to find a job in the worst of luck. Sometimes I feel hopeless like there is no way out. I have a heavy heart and I'm trying to let it go but it scares me.

I can't breathe.

I can breathe.

It's like another part of my dream, where I was emerged into water and I was drowning. I couldn't get out of the water. I couldn't breathe and the water was covering me. I could see a light but I couldn't move toward it. I was stuck.

I don't want to be stuck.

I miss him

Ok so my beau hasn't been gone long. Sometimes I tell myself it's not like he's in the army. His trips are only usually a week or so. But it's hard because as much as I would like to say, "I'm fine with being away from him" I really do miss him a lot.

Gone for four days. Working the Saturday. Gone on Sunday. Will be back on Friday. Boy's night Saturday. Maybe I'll see him Sunday?

So I try to keep myself as occupied to warrant forgetting that I really want to be with him. I've told him how much I've fallen for him and that is the worst predicament a girl can get herself into. Once you're in that stage you know you got it bad and that you're hooked on him.

Yes. That's a bad thing.

Because you know that although you are capable to handle things on your own (after all you're a strong fierce, independent woman) you realize that you do want to do things with your other half. And there's your problem.

It's your other half that makes your heart yearn for being together. It's your other half that makes you feel more complete when they are around. I don't like feeling incomplete, so this bothers me that I miss my other part of me when he is away. The problem is that I'm not sure if he sees me as deeply as I see him.

Anyway, so I try to keep busy. I mean don't get me wrong, I have a lot of things to keep me busy with. I have two business' that I'm trying to build up, tons of family and friends to hang with and several volunteer commitments....but I still get that feeling of things are better when done together.

So my weekend was productive, I did some photo shoots, got some business stuff done, hanged with family and now that takes me up to Monday.


So until the next time...

Juggling

Ok so I will be writing my business blog and personal blog while starting two business' and the list keeps growing. This one however will be about my personal life or other wise known as the Journal, while the other blog is known as the process of business.

Wish me luck
Mae

It's a new, filled with new opportunity

So last night I could barely sleep. I was filled with the excitement and possibility of starting a business and today I'm going to sign those papers. I'm a little scared because I worry, what if it doesn't turn out, what if I'm just not cut out for it...But then I tell my heart what Santiago told his heart, "Fear of suffering is worst than suffering itself." So I'm going to go out there and try. You fail if you don't try.

Another launching pad will be the revealing of my photography business called Un-Earthed Photography. I am going to start designing it so that I can get it ready to put up when I have a web space. I am hoping it will be great.


Anyway I have to get ready to meet my business partner for my first business. It's selling Arbonne products, but since I love the products I'm sure I will be lucky with this one. Finger's cross.

Blessings,
Mae

Missing a part of my brain

Well not really. But when I finished school a few months, my brain has been craving learning and I've tried to feed it by taking a Chinese course and learning some fairly simple computer software programs.

Some how it still wants more. Today I woke up feeling amazing, not because of the amount of sleep I got, but for the very fact that I love my life. Yes. Strange as it is to say when you don't really have work or you have a pile load of debt owed to your parents, but still think my life is utterly blessed and amazing.

Wow.

The reasons for this is that when I look back in my life, I have not failed to do what I've wanted to do. I am making my life my own. When I looked back at my years spent at University only one year was extremely hard and there were only a few moments in the following year from that, that was hard to deal with. But what it did for me was prove that my life is growing from where I started.

I was thinking about that extremely hard year I had and I realize it was the best year for growth, change and healing. I had to deal with my inner demons because they were catching up to me and ended having a semi nervous breakdown. Yes, it was painful but beauty comes from pain. I had to go through what was bottled inside, face those deaths and tragedy and let go and grow from it. It made me a stronger person. Even with my failed relationship from my emotionally distant and abusive boyfriend Justin, I discovered that I was a strong woman who was not going to give up on life.

This past year last year has only brought me joy. I can't tell you how amazingly happy I am to find Cedric, my faith again, and my sense of self worth. I never would have thought that I would find a guy who makes me laugh more times than I can count on all my fingers and toes. I can't tell you how it feels to have a guy say "I love You" softly, and yet at the same time having enough power to crush the mountains in South Africa with the meaning behind those words. The best part about being in love is having someone love you back.

And my career goals. What I keep forgetting is my life motto: I want to live an extraordinary life so that when I die, others have benefited because I lived. You can't live an extraordinary life if you life a life settled into the dust. You need to take chances, dream big and go after what you want.

So this year what I want is to take the path less traveled. Life is my oyster and I'm here to find my pearl.

Miss Mae

To sleep or not to sleep that is the question?

Hi I'm an insomniac. I can't sleep. Haven't for a couple of weeks now. I stay up late and try to get up before 10:00am. Work status: Still unemployed. Education status: Graduated with distinction. So here I am reading the Arbonne Magazines that the nice lady who is the consultant gave me. A home based business looks well enticing. BUT can I turn it into a success? Will I touch gold with this one?

I'm a little hesitant about this one. Being reading mix reviews on it, but I really have to say that I'm impressed with the product. For those of you who have heard of Arbonne, it's a naturally based product. I think the majority of the ingredients are natural. Obviously in the beauty world you can't go completely free from chemicals unless you take oatmeal facials, but for everything that comes in a bottle I would be skeptic if they didn't have chemicals.

But for me, it's a product with the use of a lot of natural herbs, which I do read up on have health benefits. And they don't have that nasty chemical smell that I'm so accustom to.

So here's my position. I'm a struggling artist looking for work. I'm a creative writer graduating in the worst reccession since the 1980's. Bad luck, or opportunity? I remember the quote I used in a journal I wrote for one of my acting class. It says: A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ~Sir Winston Churchill

I'm not sure if I will be able to succeed in growing my own home base business, but I guess you will never know unless you try. What do I have to lose? I figure the cost of starting up which would be $130 + $7 shipping and handling. What can I gain? Experience in learning more about running my own business, making new contacts which is something I wanted to do anyone. Like the Alchemist says about friends and travel. I too want to travel and meet new people like the Alchemist and seek out opportunities for experience. In some strange way, I do want to learn more about business. I hope to run my own sucessful theatre and training center as well as complete my masters and Ph.D. I also wanted to run my own photography business at one time. Sometimes I think I dream to big, but at the same time I don't think I could be one of thoes people that never dream at all.

At one point in my life I recall having a life motto in which it was "I want to live an EXTRAORDINARY Life so that when I die, others have benefited because I lived." Isn't that in some way a greater purpose, to leave a mark on others lives so that they to will want to leave a mark on someone elses life to make the best of what God has so amazingly blessed them with?

Another goal is to return to Cambodia and just be there as a role model and support for the children in the Aids orphanage.

Well I guess that just means I have to take chances, and dream big. Maybe I will try this business, take a chance to see just how far I can make it. Just like my acting. Just like my writing. Just like everything else in my life. I'm here for the adventure of a life time.

Miss Mae

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams...

So what exactly is that. I feel lost! No longer am I wandering the valley of dreams but I've gotten stuck on some on marked high way trying to figure out who and what I'm suppose to be doing as I reach my destination.

Scared and confused. A drama graduate looking for work, and slowly, bit by bit letting go of the dream.

They say dreamers die, but where do they go when they are still living?

It's almost one week into the new year. I've updated my goals lists and I'm on my way to getting some of them done. However, I feel lost. Confused. I've spent the past few months just searching for work. I don't want to settle but at the same time I don't want to starve and be another struggling artist trying to make it in the world of sharks.

Maybe this is what the Alchemist said about following your personal legend. It gets harder when you go further on your journey, as if the world tests you to see if that's what you really want to do. Maybe my beginner's luck has run it's course.

I'm 27 years old. In six months I will be 28. I've traveled Canada, and the USA. I finished a diploma program in Journalism Arts, and I've finished now a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Drama degree. I'm educated, not to bad looking, creative and unemployed. What am I doing with my life. I signed up for a musical theatre show, but in truth, I'm not sure I really want to audition. I'm scared shit less, and yet acting, performing is what I really want to do. At the same time I'm worried that there are millions of other things that I also want to do, and things that I have to do in order to survive. Do I sign up for Chinese class again, even though I know I don't have a job yet? How am I going to make money? How am I going to pay my bills. Fears that are realistically haunting and paralyzing me. Will I have enough to move out of my parents house in two years with all my school debts? What about graduate school? When will I have the money to do that.

What I wish for is some direction, a sign to say that things will be alright, that what I'm doing is the right thing. I need a sign to say keep going. I have no encouragement from my family, who want me to get a job, drop the dream and live moderately ever after in a nearly invisible existence. What is my purpose God? God are you there? It's me down here the person flapping like a fish out of water.

God?? God?? HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO