Good bye good Friend

I am not sure what to say. I cried a lot yesterday at hearing the news of a dear friend passing. Why do we cry when we know that they are in a better place free from suffering? I can never undertand that. It's just one of those things that happen but it eats a whole into your soul and you just want to let it all out.

I can't express myself when others ask how I feel. I don't know what to feel, except grief because how does one deal with someone's death. It's not every day that someone you care about dies right?

My heart has an open gap,
I know that I shall not cry
because your life was beautiful,
Your memories filled the sky.

Even in these tender moments I know that you are near,
Celebrating with the maker as you do not fear.
Freed from desolation by this rat race.
Knowing now that God calls you home to find your resting place.

HE holds you in his arms and wraps you tight,
HE knew that life was hard but that you were willing to fight.
The time has come to finally find that peace.
Welcoming you home once again to that ever lasting sleep.

I will remember you my dear friend till I see you in Heaven.

Life at School

I went to school today and I was suppose to do my homework but since my lack of desire has prevented me do any kind of serious work as well as the fact that there is so much destraction...homework you can say is taking a back seat.

On other news, I had a major relization that I hate some guys. Now my amosity is not so much that I felt anger. What the heck I wanted to pound some face but then I realised that I have to play nice to some of these people. I guess some personalities just don't mix with my blood. On the good news I get to meet my buddy next week. The world is good.

Mae

Feeling left out and far in the field

So I am not sure how to respond to today. I kept feeling like I am so isolated in the department. It's like I don't fit in. I feel like I am looking into a new world but I can't enter. I don't mind being me but it's hard when everyone else treats you like you are different breed of pedigree. You sometimes wonder what is wrong with you.

I won't cry over this. Too many times people have tried to make me like them and I won't allow it. I know who I am and I love who I am. I don't need someone to tell me who to be. Who cares if I don't know about a lot of the sexual intends, does knowing it make my life better? Why should I worry about a sex life? When I am ready for that my husband and I can learn together. If you learn everything now, what’s left to explore?

Anyway I might switch to another school. God this one's up to you.

Mae

If I'm suppose to be a fruit how come I am with the vegetables?

The poor tomato had it coming for him. Yes he was with vegetables and vegetables don't really like you if you are a fruit in the veggie patch. That's like me, I feel that some where on the line between wanting to live this dream, I've ended up in the wrong place and now I've become this genuinely awkward tomato trying to convince the other vegetables that I am one of them while they all know I will always be the fruit in the garden of the department.

So I will say again...poor tomato. It's not that I don't mind standing out in the crowd. I mean when you are an Asian in a non Asian world you kind of stick out. Especially if you really enjoy the taste of tofu. I have begun to realize that my Asian shelter mixed with my faith doesn't always equal the best in the eyes of the more "experienced in other things" students. They actually make you feel like you've been out cast, voted off the Island because your ways are not the same as theirs.

In some cases I have to get use to the fact that I will always stand out regardless of the situation. You have to expect that. Growing up I've always been eccentric and everyone since grade one has had their laugh at my expense. Some days I want to cry because of their non acceptance of me. Then I think hey, they are pretty boring people to have to look at a tomato because they're lives have nothing interesting in them. That's where I get them. You never here a lot of people talking about boring people. Why would they? Boring people are well boring to talk about. You only hear about the people that holds the audience captivating. In that sense, I haven't earned them talking about me because of some outrageous stun...ahem Britney; I get people talking because I am still fresh and new. In a world that has been exposed to all the underground situations, I have managed to squealed through the dark world and not been exposed like photographic paper is to light. This is what makes me fascinating. At my age, I am still discovering life and that's what keeps me interesting. I see new angles, new opportunities and I don't see the world the same way as every body else.

If that gets people talking about me, fine I don't care let them talk all they want. We know that the great oaks of tomorrow start with the nuts of today.

Still trying to figure it out

Major, Minor, inbetween. I don't know. I can't decide. I love learning and it's killing me. I mean it's ironic because what I wanted to do with my life just keeps getting complicated. One would think that I have it figured out. I love drama but I also love all other arts as well. I wish I could be musically talented and posses the skills of a dance and the tecnique of an artist. I want to do it all. Problem is that there is only one of me. I feel lost because there is so much I want to do in life but not enough time to do it. I feel scattered brain.

I wish I wish upon a star to tell me what I am suppose to do.

Mae

Focus

So today is the second day of rehearsal. I tried to keep my focus though a lot of the stuff was going over my head because I just don't get all that umm sexual induendo. It flys over my head like a bat out of the cave.

I think it's more embarrassing as well to try to say words in that content. I blush like a rose in bloom. Any way I got a letter back from my cousin through e-mail and she said my picture was pretty. I think that's funny because I don't think it's pretty, I mean I think I am average looking. Oh well. Here is the picture.