I trust you but not your friends

Wow, my mom and sister really got upset that I didn't go to church this morning. It's not that I don't go to church but if I miss one service the world has fallen a part and I have become this drug dealing, pot smoking, prostitute...according to them. It drives me crazy because I don't do any of that. I have a clean record, I get A's in school, I studied this whole Christmas break and just because I went out yesterday and the day before and today my family is lecturing me. What do they expect me to do, stay home and not have any contact with the real world? When I am home all the time because I am studying, they say why don't you ever go out? So I can't win in either case.
:(

Other than that, it's a new year tomorrow. Wow, this is not how I pictured my life at all. Somehow though I guess we can't really expect to have life a certain way because life is suppose to happen. Every New Year's Eve I get depressed because yet another year has gone by and I feel I haven't done a lot with my life. The truth is that I have done a lot, but then why do I feel that I haven't? Is this the New Years Eve curse or maybe 10 more years from now I will look back and see the wisdom I have now is not the wisdom I have later.

People are changing, friends are changing, why can't I deal with the fact that circumstances are changes. I am changing. I can't tell who I am going to be, I can't determine that. I can determine some choices but really at the end all you become not because you decided but you become because you become. That is life. No philosophical explanation, just understanding that life and the happenings around life develop you as a person. I don't know who I will be 6 months from now. I don't even know how life will change me from a week from now. I do know that I know who I am today and that's a start.

Anyway Happy New Year. What will it bring? Only time will tell.

The life of Miss Mae

Wow almost another year

So tonight I am going out with some friends. That should be interesting. I think I am mostly ready for next semester though I don't doubt it. I have a project still due which I can work on after rehersals. So I didn't get as much text reading done. I did though enjoy myself as I made my movie.

Today we had hot pot. It was pretty good. I don't mind hot pot. I love it. I am curious what next year will bring.

Not much. Tell you more when new years comes around.

Mae

Just Me

Just taking pictures for my head shot today. I find that if I take my own pictures I am not as tense. The only problem is that I don't know what I look like from the other end of the camera. I am lucky to have a digital camera.

The life of Miss Mae

Wondering

Here I am. It's December 22, 2006. I am glad I have survived the first year of my BFA now just 2 1/2 more years...sorta. What if this isn't where I am suppose to be? I always wonder if this is the path that I am suppose to be. I mean I always wanted to act but now that I am in a scholarly program is this really what I want to do. So many things that aren't clear. It's almost as if I am walking through the fog. I can only see as far as my nose can see. Nothing about the future is clear except once in a while I get some kind of vision of pieces of my life and then they happen. I don't want to see just pieces, I want to know that the next stone that I step on is a solid one and that I won't fall.

Canadian Idol auditions is coming up in Feb. I am tempted to audition but I am so scared at the same time. I am scared of what may or may not come of it. It's just like this program. What happens after. I am dont' like living in fear but that means I have to trust the unknown.

It sounds crazy

Why am I still thinking about this guy. I know that our paths will not cross again and he is the kind of guy that if I had pursued him, I know that my heart would only end up breaking. So why do I feel light headed dizziness with this guy? What is so special about him? He doesn't even know that I am alive, or cares that I am. Okay, so what about that?

Mae

Why do I feel this way?

"Wild Horses"

Hmmm woah yea...

I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out... hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures i'm thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing too
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
Ohh yeaaa yea

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared
Hoohhh woah woah

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing too
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
Ohh yeaaa yea

I wanna run too.
Hohhh woah oh woah oh

Breaklessly abandoning my self before you

I wanna open up my heart tell him how I feel

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing too
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses! [X2]
Hooaah woah ohh woah
Yeeaaaah

I wanna run with the wild horses

So yesterday was the last day of running crew. I am happy that there will be no more long late nights but I am kinda sad in the same sense. I don't know what has gotten into me lately. I don't... I keep telling myself I don't want to get hurt again by letting my heart fall for another guy who might end up breaking my heart.

Actually no that's not true, I know that it won't work. Well what's wrong with me? I mean I usually can deattach myself from the heart but what if you had a dream and the name and the person seems so familiar...? I guess that sounds weird. Yeah I have this weird gift or curse about dreaming about the future and then it happens. I can't understand it really. So what if on a subconsious level, the guy you met during a show you know some how your paths will cross in the future but you are afraid that this guy might be the guy in your dreams who you fall in love with and he ends up dying? Do you prevent the future from happening? Do you ignore you heart...why oh why do I feel this way.

It's funny cause from the first time I met him at the Fine Arts greet and meet I had a feeling it wouldn't be the last time. Then I had to interview him and then we worked on a show together. Except I didn't know his name but then I knew his name. I am so messed up. I wanted to talk to him so badly but I was so fearful. I am not sure what I was scared of. My friend made me hug him yesterday, I have a space issue with people coming physically close to me. SO it was a strech. I guess though it hurt me to hug him because I actually wanted to hug him but at the same time I knew if I hugged him, I would...well this is exactly what I tried to avoid. Falling for some one I don't know anything really about him. Except he teases me and that I can't explain why I am falling because logic is not making sense anymore.

The funny thing is I doubt he knows that I like him I guess? Or does he like me? I am not sure. I tried reading his body language, at least what they say when someone is interested...but I sometimes doubt people are interested in me. If guys are interested in me at first, it's only because I think they want to do things with my body and not me. So I don't know. I just don't know.

Miss Mae

Dear Life

I haven't blogged as much as I would have like. Am I still me? I mean I am becoming more aware of life outside the bubble but some days I wonder if the bubble is safer. What I mean is maybe life without risk is a better life, maybe. Like for example, love. Maybe after a few months I will finally get over what I thought what was love or maybe I was really in love and getting over it maybe I will let my heart risk it to love again. The heart you feel is something that you can't risk breaking. I try to block out love if love hurts then why would you let yourself be hurt...I don't know.

Anyway I miss my friends so much. Chan is in Hong Kong, Cortez is busy with Art school, I think Shari is gone to the Philipeans. I guess I just miss being with my peeps a lot these days. They just understand me.

I almost feel that I am in a way new environment and I fear that maybe I really don't belong no matter how much I try. Maybe Rachel was right and that I should not go into drama. A part of me says well if I don't do this then...well my heart will break. What other things should I do. I could go back to journalism but then what. Still ends up in a dead end position. I don't understand why I can't just love sciences like all my other friends. Why did I have to be a freak...I sometimes just wonder why I well I just wonder what God's plan for my life.

Miss Mae

Production week

Sigh, do you ever get the feeling you are a the odd number in the game of bingo. Everyone from tour seems to be doing something great with their life. Here I am, back in school. Actually I've seen a lot of school lately. Probably 12 hours a day I would say. Since I am in a tech class I am doing running crew in which it requires me to stay at school till 11pm. Fall semester is done in a week. I miss my asian home boys and girls. I miss being asian since it's so hard to relate. I miss my friends who aren't in Canada.

Anyway life is interesting.
Miss Mae