Happy Thanksgiving eh?.....Not really but...
Ah the first year that I am back with the family in three years to celebrate a thanksgiving...or sorta. Paid $5 for a meal to eat with the family. A meal that I didn't enjoy overly and ended up spending much of the night just reading.
I guess it's not uncommon but what I find hardening is that I have become the worst cynic. I find myself complaining 90% of how much I hate my life. The sad part is if I hate it that much why don't I just end it? Well there are several reasons why one can not end it. That would be to selfish and that doesn't, I suppose in my point of view, solve the problem at hand. Though death would just be a meager escape into something which I am 99% sure of. It's the 1% that I am unsure of that scares me.
This morning I ended up going to early service. Not to bad, I actually smiled a bit. One sad thing is that I have lost my smile. I want to really enjoy life once again. I want to be contempt like St. Paul but I am finding myself more and more like Judas these days. Words that come to my mind is failure. I have become a failure in my own eyes and probably in the eyes of my fellow believers. Maybe even a hypocrite. I am suppose to be this strong Christian who can stand up to the Goliath's of my life, but lately I have been more like Peter faced with the storms.
I started out strong. I was so assured of my steps and I just wanted to walk to Jesus when he said to walk out of that boat. I jumped at the opportunity to get closer and I got out of that boat and walk to him. The waves however started to look larger than I had anticipated as I left the security of the boat and I have started to sink. Crying out to God I feel that I have failed the people around me. They look up towards me saying how come you, one who had such faith can not stand against the wind. In my heart, I wished that they could see that I am just the same as I was before I was Christian except that I have a little bit of hope and I am trying to grasp onto Jesus. I want to just hold on to the little hope that I see, the little life left. Like the woman who bleed for 12 years just to grasp onto him maybe that's all I have to do.
What seems like a simple thing isn't entirely simple at all. One movement and things should be better. However, when I see how I fail time and time again I find that what if people see that I keep stumbling how in the world are they going to see Christ in me?
Mae
I guess it's not uncommon but what I find hardening is that I have become the worst cynic. I find myself complaining 90% of how much I hate my life. The sad part is if I hate it that much why don't I just end it? Well there are several reasons why one can not end it. That would be to selfish and that doesn't, I suppose in my point of view, solve the problem at hand. Though death would just be a meager escape into something which I am 99% sure of. It's the 1% that I am unsure of that scares me.
This morning I ended up going to early service. Not to bad, I actually smiled a bit. One sad thing is that I have lost my smile. I want to really enjoy life once again. I want to be contempt like St. Paul but I am finding myself more and more like Judas these days. Words that come to my mind is failure. I have become a failure in my own eyes and probably in the eyes of my fellow believers. Maybe even a hypocrite. I am suppose to be this strong Christian who can stand up to the Goliath's of my life, but lately I have been more like Peter faced with the storms.
I started out strong. I was so assured of my steps and I just wanted to walk to Jesus when he said to walk out of that boat. I jumped at the opportunity to get closer and I got out of that boat and walk to him. The waves however started to look larger than I had anticipated as I left the security of the boat and I have started to sink. Crying out to God I feel that I have failed the people around me. They look up towards me saying how come you, one who had such faith can not stand against the wind. In my heart, I wished that they could see that I am just the same as I was before I was Christian except that I have a little bit of hope and I am trying to grasp onto Jesus. I want to just hold on to the little hope that I see, the little life left. Like the woman who bleed for 12 years just to grasp onto him maybe that's all I have to do.
What seems like a simple thing isn't entirely simple at all. One movement and things should be better. However, when I see how I fail time and time again I find that what if people see that I keep stumbling how in the world are they going to see Christ in me?
Mae
posted by Miss Mae | 2:55 PM
1 Comments:
Try to remember that it is not by your own streangth that you will suscede. Only with God's given streangth. Also, his grace is forever exteneded to you. When you fail and fall, he is right there with an open hand to help you get back up and continue down the road again.
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