The jar of hope

The woman poured her soulful offering to Christ. Tonight God asked me to do the same. I was given an e-mail to think about the themes in my life. Often what comes to my mind is helping others in poor countries and giving them a better life. Something great than myself I guess would be my theme.

Although I love drama, I think ministry is what called at my heart. Even if I was never to enter the stage, to enter God's presences and to show the world God's love like he showed me is the greatest blessing I could give.

Part of me struggles with the idea because I want the approval of my dad but Jesus did say thoes who lose a mother, father, sister, brother for my sake will not go un-noticed. I want my daddy to say that he loves me and is proud of my choice...but maybe what's more important is that my father in heaven says he loves me and will be by me because of my choice.

So do do maybe I am crazy or maybe if we are to live that shows the world what we really value we got to practice what we preach.

Mae

Dreams

I couldn't get up for the life of me. It is my day off and still my body refused to wake up. Heavy from not wanting to wake up to a snow covered ground. It's always winter that makes me depressed. I should just hibernate like the bears....Except really who wants to sleep for several months. Plus I would have to gain like a couple hundred pounds just to survive.

Things have been better though. I am finally glad to say that I have a sense of peace about work. Sure I don't like some of the people but how many people are you suppose to like....you can't like all of them.

As for this year it's almost done. As for my course well I doubt if I make it to the December 17th early deadline but whatever. It's just school and life and nothing really that big.

The big thing is that I learn to love what I have. It may be little but it's more than some other people.

Talk to you soon,
Mae

When I look at the stars....I see someone else

Living becomes,
when the noises surround you at best start to fade away.
Silent,
the sounds of the world holding still for just a moment.
When the sound of your heart beats steadily and you are just being what you are.
Human.
That words hum on your lips as you recall your last sip of a good nights sleep.
When you are at peace in the world even though you are in a castrophic mess called life.
Living becomes when the soul finds out that all it was meant to be was all that it was ever to become.

We live, we all love, we all die.
We are the products of natural design, a product of a higher power. We are no more infinite than that of a flower in bloom, at least it is with our outter shells.

We are more than just creatures of entropy. We need to soak life up and give life out. If we don't what reason do we have than the mere machines we are: just living to survive?

Like a fatal wound to the soul, I search for something greater. Something that will make this life more bearable. We seek out a purpose, a dream, a goal. Never knowing that maybe all we were meant to be is exactly what we forgotten or tried to forget in this world.

To be or not to be is not merely a question of the mind but a question of the heart.

To be human is just to be.

Hockey NIGHT in Canada

It's great to be Canadian, I wish our team would get their butts together and win a game!!!

Anyway, life has being getting better. I have taken the stand to try to smile today. Even though life is not the way I've always wanted it to be, life is still worth living. Somehow there is hope in all this 'entropy and pain'. I know God is going to make something of this life I lead...just don't know what.
Mae

Happy Thanksgiving eh?.....Not really but...

Ah the first year that I am back with the family in three years to celebrate a thanksgiving...or sorta. Paid $5 for a meal to eat with the family. A meal that I didn't enjoy overly and ended up spending much of the night just reading.

I guess it's not uncommon but what I find hardening is that I have become the worst cynic. I find myself complaining 90% of how much I hate my life. The sad part is if I hate it that much why don't I just end it? Well there are several reasons why one can not end it. That would be to selfish and that doesn't, I suppose in my point of view, solve the problem at hand. Though death would just be a meager escape into something which I am 99% sure of. It's the 1% that I am unsure of that scares me.

This morning I ended up going to early service. Not to bad, I actually smiled a bit. One sad thing is that I have lost my smile. I want to really enjoy life once again. I want to be contempt like St. Paul but I am finding myself more and more like Judas these days. Words that come to my mind is failure. I have become a failure in my own eyes and probably in the eyes of my fellow believers. Maybe even a hypocrite. I am suppose to be this strong Christian who can stand up to the Goliath's of my life, but lately I have been more like Peter faced with the storms.

I started out strong. I was so assured of my steps and I just wanted to walk to Jesus when he said to walk out of that boat. I jumped at the opportunity to get closer and I got out of that boat and walk to him. The waves however started to look larger than I had anticipated as I left the security of the boat and I have started to sink. Crying out to God I feel that I have failed the people around me. They look up towards me saying how come you, one who had such faith can not stand against the wind. In my heart, I wished that they could see that I am just the same as I was before I was Christian except that I have a little bit of hope and I am trying to grasp onto Jesus. I want to just hold on to the little hope that I see, the little life left. Like the woman who bleed for 12 years just to grasp onto him maybe that's all I have to do.

What seems like a simple thing isn't entirely simple at all. One movement and things should be better. However, when I see how I fail time and time again I find that what if people see that I keep stumbling how in the world are they going to see Christ in me?

Mae

Life is but a bitter End

I hate to be depressed lunatic. I actually am not one or at least I wasn't before but as of recently from being at my job, I feel that death these days wouldn't be a rude awakening but a welcoming blessing.

Sad isn't it.

I actually thought to myself yesterday that if anything was possible, "God would you please allow a car to smash into me so that I die."

I came home crying because I didn't want to live anymore. The people are crappy at work. Not all of them but the ones that are make you want to throw in the towel of life and just die. They make you feel that you are beneath them when in reality, you are just stepping between a stone to get to the land while the rest of their life they will be on that same stone preventing others like you to move ahead.

Although I try to let this stuff pass me by I wonder if that stone is my dead end future. I can't tell but if it is, I am not going to let others stay there. I will encourage them to soar.

I read a passage in my bible last night about the sermon on the mount. It occurred to me that God was reaching out to me. I know that I can survive if I only take it one day at a time since worrying about tomorrow is pointless: why worry about something you can't control.

Anyway this is all I have to say since I have a lot to do today.

Mae