School, work, and no life in-between

You would think that my life would be less busy since I have been home. I mean what would 40 hours of work and only one class of school be compared to 10 hrs a day volunteering with a dinner theatre. A traveling dinner theatre may I mention!

Apparently life traveling with a dinner theatre is a lot less stressful than trying to figure out my place in a hardware store and doing a course at the same time. It's something I have never encountered before. Also trying to perfect my grammar shouldn't have been so bad. I was wrong, apparently it's worst than I thought either that or my brain refuses to do anymore school after three years in the working world.

Ah "life is a funny, funny thing," from Alanis Morssets song, Ironic. It truly seems life is something I don't understand a bit. Though I dream of a different life in my sleeping hours, I know when that alarm bell goes off it's time to awaken to the real world. I guess by saying that I have to make the most of my day even if it's not living the life that I live in my dreams.

So there you have it. I have turned into the ordinary day to day slum that I never wanted to be. Hopefully after this year I can have a little more adventure.....well see.

God Bless
Mae

What do you do in the Mist of Disappointment?

Red tape, red tape, red tape. The unsightly red tape of life tells you that you must find another way around to reach your intended destination.

Ah that really bites. I mean it's hard enough trying to earn money to go to school, but realizing that there is about a thousand pieces of red tape blocking your goals, is a hard pill to swallow.

Yes, I must admit that it's all part of life and some where it might have been God's warning signs but some how, even at this age, you get stumped by all the red tape.

Growing up in your twenties is the most confusing time I think I will ever face. If I can only survive this era of the unknown and answer or at least attempt to answer the "Who am I" question maybe I will survive.

Anyway that's all I want to say. My mother use to tell me if I don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Mom knows best!

Mae

Elijah

It seems just when you are faced with falling off the edge and God throws you a curve ball just jump on because you just have to go with the flow.

So last Friday I was sitting on the edge not knowing exactly what God was up to. I was jobless and depressed about that current snowball of life. Oh if I only knew what God was going to do the following week I might have not whined as much....well maybe whined a little less.

Monday morning came and I decided after the past half year or so, this was my opportunity to sleep in a little later, after all, what is a unemployed educated bum suppose to do except run with the punches. So I got a call from my sister that morning saying that I should be prepared to return to work tomorrow for that week. I was like great that's what I needed to hear, this meant I would only be unemployed next week. What happened next was better than expected.

God provided another great call. You see I had an interview on the Thursday before the Friday of my unemployment. Now it is Monday when I received that call. I was offered a full time job. I start this coming Monday and I didn't have to go into work this week because they decided to hire a full time time so they wouldn't have to keep me guessing on my employment status.

So with one great job ending and another new job which I am looking forward to coming up I would say God worked things out better than I could imagine. On top of that I signed up for an online educational course. This has helped me decide what school to go to next fall. You can say things are looking up for me. Even though it's not the school I initially wanted to go to, (the cost for that school was to much money and going into a large debt like that would be foolish) God has confirmed that I will be happy in the place he has put me. I know some how when I trust him I know things are going to work out fine. After all it's just life and it's not like it's a forever thing. :)

Peace out
Mae

What now?

Well today I woke up to the reality that I am found without a job and this somewhat sets me back into a dilemma that occurred last spring, just before spring I should say. The problem is that I am an educated unemployed bum. Not by choice really, it's just seems that I can't seem to find work that I am really happy in. I did find a job I really enjoyed but as fate has it my parents and various others told me I have to get on with my life.

What if the one thing you want to do in life that really brings you to life is the same thing that leads to a homeless and hopeless life according to the people surrounding you? I mean writing and acting is where my heart is and as well photography only secondary but how do I make a living in the fine art department. This is what makes my heart leap and jump for joy. I feel so alive when I am doing these things and yet I know some how from what others have instilled in me is that these passions lead to a dead end life.

The scary thing that occurred to me yesterday is that the girl I once knew has become the cynic I onced feared. Instead of living out her passions, she is rethinking them and trying to settle for something less than what she could accomplish and become.

I always thought that if this girl could reach for the stars maybe then life would be something incredible. Maybe just maybe by chance I could actually make this a reality....

As the story goes, most of us become broken dreamers as we place the very soul of our dreams in the grave yard where it is said there lies the richest place on earth, filled with endless dreams that once was.

This weekend....

Yesterday I spent time with my sister shopping. We manage to spend the majority time on the road. I bought a few items including the book I have been wanting to get for a while. When you are searching for answers sometimes it great to read a lot of books because it may not have the answers you are looking for but it will help you on the journey to finding the answers you seek.

Also I have being trying to do a lot of stuff, and wanting to do more. I just want to keep searching until I know and understand what it means to be a young adult struggling to define herself in a society that believes in nothing for certain.

Things are never for certain. But I just have to keep my head up and keep seeking out what I need to be in order to survive this chaotic world. You must know God, then self and maybe then things will come together.

Mae

My worst fear

Today I just had one of those sudden mood changes. And if it was like an ordinary mood change like one caused by the monthly cycle, I wouldn't be intensely concerned but because it was one of my suicidal moods, I am fearing for my life. It's not that I am borderline personality or that I may have some kind of bipolar I have never been tested and I fear if I am tested and it shows, it will destroy my life, but when I get into these moods sometimes and it's occurring more and more often as I get older, the danger and risks are higher. I thought I had it under control but some days it seems to be getting worst.

I have no rights to feel this way but I have been suicidal since childhood but I fear that one day it won't be a thought that titers on the line of life and death but it will be the line of death. I almost allowed myself to get hit by a car and that didn't phase me. It didn't matter to me that I could be lifeless. In some sick way that disturbs me. It's like a part of me wanted me dead.

How can I cope with these demons I am facing. My mom says it's because I lack faith but that's not it. I fully trust God, and it's because of my faith I manage to stay a float. One of the reasons I am still here even with this condition is because of my faith. It's hard though because you feel alone in this world. One of things that hasn't helped my suicidal tendencies is how others make me feel. Sure we all get teased as children but some how some of that has continued on to my adult life and it's increasing my depression. It's not that I don't know who I am in God's kingdom, but it's the constant reminder of my past, before I knew God, the worthless human being I was. I sometimes find it hard to let go of the hurtful things and I wonder why it still haunts me.

It's like the teasing in highschool continues to taunt me. I feel unloved and ugly even though I am an adult and have been told how beautiful I am, I still feel ugly and rejected. No matter how many wonderful people tell me how beautiful I am I still feel I have to become something more beautiful so that the immature people will say that they think I am beautiful.

The truth that I know and try to tell myself is that what does it matter what they think. It still hurts even though I know it's not true. Same thing with my intelligence, I know that I am smart gifted person but a few nasty comments have haunted me into my young adult years and so I strive to continue to become smarter just so that maybe by some freaky chance some of them who taunted me as a child will stop taunting me in my head.

Every day now that I wake up and don't feel like ending my life is a day I won the battle. It's getting harder though. I cry at nights for some resolution and I just want to start a new life away from the hurts, and become someone who hasn't felt what I have felt my whole life. Some one who never has had a day of darkness. I want to smile again.

The beginning of an order of a short work week

Now that I am back to good old English, you can understand my titles. I love talking to myself, except in a strange way I am not really talking to myself but who ever reads my blog :)

So this weekend was spent like this: Saturday I did work on projects, Sunday I worked on more projects and Monday did all the physical activities possible that a person like me is capable of.

Then I went to work on a Tuesday.

Oh yeah then of course I ended today with going to the Library and finding some great monologue books for auditioning and a career book on what to do with a liberal arts degree.

It's been a pleasant day.

Mae

El ir a ir a ir de excursión

Ah the long weekend, what a great way to spend it. Traveling on a little adventure for the weekend seems like a great idea. I am going with my sister today to see the bird sanctuary and later I am going to go blading.

It will be a great time just to think about life while I am in the wilderness. I have had so many thoughts that it will be good just to take time out to really reflect on the direction and where I want to be instead of listening to a thousand others telling me how I should run my life.

The peace I look forward to.


Walking on the cloud waiting for something to happen is just like a dream beginning to awaken.

El caminar en la nube que espera algo suceder es justo como un sueñobeginningg para despertar

错过美好