My worst fear
Today I just had one of those sudden mood changes. And if it was like an ordinary mood change like one caused by the monthly cycle, I wouldn't be intensely concerned but because it was one of my suicidal moods, I am fearing for my life. It's not that I am borderline personality or that I may have some kind of bipolar I have never been tested and I fear if I am tested and it shows, it will destroy my life, but when I get into these moods sometimes and it's occurring more and more often as I get older, the danger and risks are higher. I thought I had it under control but some days it seems to be getting worst.
I have no rights to feel this way but I have been suicidal since childhood but I fear that one day it won't be a thought that titers on the line of life and death but it will be the line of death. I almost allowed myself to get hit by a car and that didn't phase me. It didn't matter to me that I could be lifeless. In some sick way that disturbs me. It's like a part of me wanted me dead.
How can I cope with these demons I am facing. My mom says it's because I lack faith but that's not it. I fully trust God, and it's because of my faith I manage to stay a float. One of the reasons I am still here even with this condition is because of my faith. It's hard though because you feel alone in this world. One of things that hasn't helped my suicidal tendencies is how others make me feel. Sure we all get teased as children but some how some of that has continued on to my adult life and it's increasing my depression. It's not that I don't know who I am in God's kingdom, but it's the constant reminder of my past, before I knew God, the worthless human being I was. I sometimes find it hard to let go of the hurtful things and I wonder why it still haunts me.
It's like the teasing in highschool continues to taunt me. I feel unloved and ugly even though I am an adult and have been told how beautiful I am, I still feel ugly and rejected. No matter how many wonderful people tell me how beautiful I am I still feel I have to become something more beautiful so that the immature people will say that they think I am beautiful.
The truth that I know and try to tell myself is that what does it matter what they think. It still hurts even though I know it's not true. Same thing with my intelligence, I know that I am smart gifted person but a few nasty comments have haunted me into my young adult years and so I strive to continue to become smarter just so that maybe by some freaky chance some of them who taunted me as a child will stop taunting me in my head.
Every day now that I wake up and don't feel like ending my life is a day I won the battle. It's getting harder though. I cry at nights for some resolution and I just want to start a new life away from the hurts, and become someone who hasn't felt what I have felt my whole life. Some one who never has had a day of darkness. I want to smile again.
I have no rights to feel this way but I have been suicidal since childhood but I fear that one day it won't be a thought that titers on the line of life and death but it will be the line of death. I almost allowed myself to get hit by a car and that didn't phase me. It didn't matter to me that I could be lifeless. In some sick way that disturbs me. It's like a part of me wanted me dead.
How can I cope with these demons I am facing. My mom says it's because I lack faith but that's not it. I fully trust God, and it's because of my faith I manage to stay a float. One of the reasons I am still here even with this condition is because of my faith. It's hard though because you feel alone in this world. One of things that hasn't helped my suicidal tendencies is how others make me feel. Sure we all get teased as children but some how some of that has continued on to my adult life and it's increasing my depression. It's not that I don't know who I am in God's kingdom, but it's the constant reminder of my past, before I knew God, the worthless human being I was. I sometimes find it hard to let go of the hurtful things and I wonder why it still haunts me.
It's like the teasing in highschool continues to taunt me. I feel unloved and ugly even though I am an adult and have been told how beautiful I am, I still feel ugly and rejected. No matter how many wonderful people tell me how beautiful I am I still feel I have to become something more beautiful so that the immature people will say that they think I am beautiful.
The truth that I know and try to tell myself is that what does it matter what they think. It still hurts even though I know it's not true. Same thing with my intelligence, I know that I am smart gifted person but a few nasty comments have haunted me into my young adult years and so I strive to continue to become smarter just so that maybe by some freaky chance some of them who taunted me as a child will stop taunting me in my head.
Every day now that I wake up and don't feel like ending my life is a day I won the battle. It's getting harder though. I cry at nights for some resolution and I just want to start a new life away from the hurts, and become someone who hasn't felt what I have felt my whole life. Some one who never has had a day of darkness. I want to smile again.
posted by Miss Mae | 9:23 PM
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