May 2, 2008 Poetry of Sadness

I know that it will never work,the thing between you and I.And yet the fate has done it's worst.My heart continues to desire this thirst.I can't help myself, the more I know of you,But I also know in my heart that it can never be.Since our worlds are far apart.A path not meant for you or me.And so I struggle with this silly path I'm on.But every step I end up taking, The tremble of my heart is shaking,When you finally steal it and now I'm gone.So why is fate a cruel desire.For love should be inspired.Yet here I am knowing this,I'm on the road to misery bliss.I try to pull myself away.But thoughts of you caress my days.And here I know I'm stepping stones.I'm falling hard to the unknown.How cruel is love when cupid's arrows hit.How utterly ugly is love tales.When wit and logic fails.Help me, I'm drowing, and I don't want to die.These feelings I feel will only bring me to cry.Cruel fate, cruel faith, God must be mad.Broken heart filled sorrows, a love gone bad.So how does one stop from falling to deep.To take up the poison of Juliet's sleep.

Past Present and Future June 2, 2008

The other day I was thinking. Thinking about grade one and the boy I hit on the head with the rock. I heard from my aunt a few weeks ago that his father passed away. His mother died a few years ago as well. It's strange. The fact that I still remember this kid who I picked up a rock and gave his head a nice bump. I was sent to the principle's office for hitting him on the head. That was in grade one. We were playing a game in which the boys verses the girls and he caught one of my friends. His name was Charlie Stevens.Grade one seems like a long time ago. A lot has changed. Yet I still remember people who pass through my life. I wonder if they ever remember me or if I too am just a blurred image, a memory in their lives of a past.The funny thing today was I was thinking about how I will one day leave the past behind. I keep returning to it. Past friends, past loves, past memories. They're what I know...yet it some how is holding me back from now. Then there is the opposite side, the future of when I leave for Vancouver, or who I will meet, or this and that...yet that too is holding me from living now.Sometimes I keep forgetting to live here. Live in the now. I forget that life can one day whip out something that startles you. Sort of like the song, wear sunscreen. The funny thing about life is that circumstances, no matter how much you think you're incontrol of your life, you're not really. You can't tell who you're going to fall in love or out of love with, who will be your friend today because they might be gone tomorrow or end up not wanting to know you. You cant' even tell if the house you're living in will be there the next day. Nothing it seems is certain in a world of uncertainty at least on this earth. I mean when I come to think about it, we have as much control over our circumstance as the ants. What we do have control of is the decisions we make when the pitcher throws the ball. Are we going to hit the ball and run or strike out.

June 7th, 2008

Okay so my real age is not matching up with my psycolanlysis age which is about 5 years behind or more that what I should be :P But seriously I learnt a valuable lesson yesterday and that is that I'm never drinking again. I should take a vow like my mom did not to drink. Okay there it is offically on facebook. Mae vows never to drink again! The reason for this is that now that I've offical found out that having a small body size and no food and being tired and being a high strung person already having acohol in the body is not the best decision I've made. I've done it. Regret what I've done since I should have being more mature and know that food and body and my body mixing with any foreign chemicals leads to well me = idoit in front of people that I should never be an idiot around...not that they don't know that but waking up this morning and still feeling like crap and actually paying the price of my body trying to eliminate the toxins from it can really teach a girl something. Plus all the weird dreams of flying objects and stuff and not sure what happened yesterday or what was part of my dream in my slumber or what was real to a clear extent that I've realise it's not all that what it's cracked up to be. I'll stick with sprit thank you.So besides that, I've done some thinking this morning or partial since I went back to bed after my body threw out some posion. I've thought about it and I think it's time I stopped acting like a spoiled princess and just get over myself. I need to stand up for myself and leave behind this injured bird of the past. I mean it's taken me a long time toI finally come to terms and open up to the close people of events that I felt ashamed about and that I've blocked out of my memory because I thought it was my fault, but you it wasn't and I've been beating myself up as if it were.I'm trying my best to move forward. I'm trying to learn to become a mature adult and I'm hoping that when I'm done school that I can move to Vancouver to really gain my independence because I need to. I need to, for once do something for me, so that I can really be the butterfly I was meant to be.

Thinking and thinking and thinking and oh did I mention thinking?

So it's strange. My birthday is not until Friday and two people already wished me happy birthday, not that I'm complaining since usually 1. It rains on my birthday, 2. My family usually forgets and calls me via several days after the year of my birth has passed.
But I'm not even worried.
What does make me terrified is that here I am just days away from turning another year and I'm asking myself...so what's the point. I think with the news lately I should just turn my t.v. off because the world doesn't make sense and neither does the half hearted relationships with guys make any sense. Nothing makes sense to me. And a problem I've had to deal with lately is spending on my credit card because shopping therapy is probably the only thing that makes sense but in the long run will hurt me.
So what is troubling me? I don't know. Maybe after reading Marty Chan's play last night about Maggie's last dance has really gotten me to fear my highschool reunion which is only like in 2 more years...I fear I'm getting old and I just haven't done enough in life.
It's going to sound weird but I keep having dreams of my death at 30. So far a lot and when I mean a lot, I mean more than a lifetime of dreams or visions have come true...so what if this one does? That means I have only 4 years to make my life worth anything. Four years!! And two of them or at least another 1 year and a half will be spent finishing a degree where the education is great but being a minority sucks sometimes when you don't feel that you belong because your culture is not the same as others, so socially awkward as usual. Then there is the issue of me wanting so much to be in Vancouver. Just so I can try to find me in a city that is known as Hongcouver.
My deadline has passed. My perfect age of enlightenment is soon to be gone and what I thougt I'd be is nothing but a changing device just like my research in which nothing is defined in a well confined box of understanding.
So to say...I've been thinking. I feel like a bird in a cage but I'm not sure if I want out, or how I got there or if I will continue to sing because even birds in cages sing yet what if I don't know the right tune or if for some stupid reason I realise I'm not a bird but a very creative insane person who over thinks things and just really has a lot of Strum and Strang going on ?
Okay done thinking because I think that I need to stop thinking and start living. End of communication.