Done with men...for now

So Monday I had a date with Brad. He seemed like a really nice guy, except that he showed up late. He did text me to tell me that yes he would be 25 minutes late... 45 minutes later we met. Why did I put up with that? I don't know, because part of me is a hardcore romantic and maybe just maybe if I do this than just maybe I'll meet the Man of my dreams. Perhaps, if I didn't take a chance I would be missing out?

Live with no regrets right? How does one know if they are making a regret or not? Isn't a regret only after the fact?

Anyway so Brad showed up. We talked, he was quiet, and he told me about his fascination with colouring books at the age of 34. I never thought I would find a man who loved to still go home and colour. Usually I would be excited to find a guy who is still a kid at heart at that age, but then I remember my ex and I've come to wonder why am I settling for guys who aren't grown up yet.

Sure you can say but wait, are you fully into the claws of adulthood, the woman who preaches never lose that child at heart. Yes I'm fully aware of that. However, there comes the point when you get tired of boys who still play Peter Pan and you want a real man to come and sweep you off your feet, or maybe you just need no guy but a pet.

Maybe I'm tired of wanting to be in a relationship and working to maintain a relationship when the guys don't even want to work on one. Maybe I'm tired of always being unselfish and giving up more of my self, my life, my time for men who neither appreciate or understand the sacrafice. Maybe I'm actually getting sick of dating Mr. Wrong who happens to be there.

I just want to come home and be appreciated, be loved for who I am. I don't need a man, I need a pet.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get myself a pet. I always thought I wanted children, a house and a husband, but what if life only gives you none of these and you're left to make your own happiness?

Right now, maybe I'm not the woman I've always imagined myself to be. Maybe I need to become that woman and work on being her for a while.

Loving her.

I'm going to the pet store this weekend and getting myself a pet.

A Ex#3 poetry

Empty dreams, that’s what you left.

I told you I was a fragile heart.

When I took that first step,

You knew my condition from the start.

Now all I ever do is cry

And trust no other guy

Because inside my heart is dead

All the flowers are rotten instead.

And there you are entering my dreams

Filling my heart with hatred screams

Because my heart knows this ain’t real

You’re like a thief in the night and you’re out to steal

All that’s left of me now is this empty vase

Once filled to the brim of bright colours to gaze

Broken into pieces is this shattered glass maze

Where nothing is clear at the base

Nothing is clear and nothing makes sense

Open wounds, a heart of a year and a half spent

Filled with shatter hopes and regrets

Sorrows and hatred and I repent.

How can you love, when you don’t know what love is

For you aren’t my saviour, you’re still have the mind of a kid

I need a knight in amour to save

And he’s coming on his horse, fighting through the night.

He wants to save me,

To make me his wife!

And all the long I was trusting in boys

But the saying goes give your heart to them and they’ll treat it like toys.

So I’ve learnt from my mistakes

Of putting my heart out on open stakes

To be cautious of love, if it’s not sent from above

Like a candle in the wind, guard it closely before it’s too late.

And the fire gets blown out and you make the same mistake.

When real love comes knocking it patiently waits.

Because when real love opens the door

It’s there to stay evermore.

My moment of Insanity

*I almost pressed send...thank goodness I didn't.
Hey Cedric,

I know, you probably don't want to hear from me. I wanted to let you know I said things that I shouldn't have said because I was hurt. I miss you. I still love you but I'm trying each day not to love you because it hurts so much. You may not understand this but I don't want to be with anyone else but you or at least that's what my heart tells me right now. Nat's and Brian and Tina are all trying to set me up with all these guys, great guys that are good for me, but it doesn't matter because my heart wants you. I don't even know why... I've had a couple of great guys that have shown interest, guys are what I think is good for me, but I just can't get you off my mine. I know guys hate it when girls are sad. I know you probably hate it.

I really want to be strong for you so that you can move on with your life because we both deserve to find love and happiness once again. Sometimes my heart screams out because I would do anything to have you back. I don't care about the drugs. If I had know that it meant losing you then I wouldn't have cared. Mom says it's because I really loved you more than any of the other guys... if this is what love leads to then I'm not allowing myself to cry infront of another. I won't be vulnerable again.

Everyday I tell myself that I'm moving on. I'm starting my new job working with kids, it's part time but it's a start, just got offered it today :) I'm super excited because it's what I want to do. I'm also going to register for online school as well. I can't leave for at least a year because of Nat's wedding. It will be good though, maybe it's about time I settled down for a while. I'm trying to keep myself busy so that I don't have to think of you. There are moments that reminds me of you so much that it kills me. I may never understand what went wrong. In my eyes I didn't see that we had a lot of problems because most couples would fight but we didn't really fight. Though if one person wants out then it's just not meant to be. I ask God this each day knowing that it's His will but Cedric, I still wonder if you miss me or if you think about me, and I really do wish the best for you and if the best is not me, then I hope you find her. I get up and pray for you every morning now. I never use to pray for you so much but I read that if I pray for you it will help me heal too. I pray that you will be blessed with abundance of wealth, happiness, health and love.

I think about you and what you are doing right now. I went halloween shopping for my costume the other day, I couldn't wear the nurse costume since I'm going to be working with kids this halloween, and it needs to be appropriate. I had this thought that by Halloween you would have moved on already. Met someone at the club, she would been dressed in something sexy like the girls on your computers and you would have had a one night stand with her that probably ends up as something more. Or Brian would lend you a few of his picks ;)

I can see myself moving on too, I'm not sure when this heart stuff will go away, never thought I would ever love someone as much as I loved you. Tracey says to deny that I don't love you is to put a wall up and hide from the hurt. I know that I will probably end up with one of the guys I'm set up with who is good for me. Not that I love him, but he's good for me. I want to grow to love him but that means first letting you out of my heart so I can let someone new in.

Sorry this is a moment of my insanity. I'm broken and I'm down with the flu and my heart misses you.

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving :D I hope all is well with you and your family. I wish them the best as well.

Dear Ex Letter

Sometimes with hurt you say things that aren't very nice and are far from the truth. I told you I didn't love you and the truth is that I've been trying to lie to myself about loving you only because it hurts thinking that I do love you when I know that you've rejected me.

One of the thing I've been doing to heal and get on with my life is searching for answers. I said I got closure but I wonder if I did. I managed to get some of the anger out of being left to wonder why you can't be with me when you still love me. It's an oxymoron that doesn't seem to make any sense. How can you say you still love me when you don't want to be with me?

I've found this step program that was interesting. The article takes you through steps to help you move on.

I found this line to be important:

Pray that your Ex will be granted all of the health, wealth and happiness you wish for yourself. Even if you are not a religious person, or you don't believe in God, the act itself is liberating.

Read more: http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/how-to-get-over-your-ex-20231.html#ixzz11PjQ3UNs
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution

I've been doing well on moving on but yesterday I came across this picture and it made me sad. All I wanted to do was hold you once again like in the picture but I can't. It's a death that is cruel. At least with a physical death you are forced to mourn and grieve because the person you love is no longer in this life. This type of death, the death of a relationship is a cruel one since the person you love will be comforted by another arms. The sweet secrets whispered in their ears will be by another lover. That the times they make you cry but you smile even though you want to be upset because they say something that makes you remembered why you love them will now be in the hands of someone else.

Do you miss me Cedric? I never thought we had a bad relationship. We never fought, I know you had trouble opening up or had trouble being intimate, but was our relationship that bad that you warrant for it's death?

Sometimes I wonder if it was more so that you were scared of commitment. I know you had a hard time coping with your parents divorce and that you saw the other failed relationships in your life crumble before your eyes. We were getting to a point that it was becoming serious and you knew you had to make a decision. I wanted to let you know, that I wouldn't have let us fall a part, that I was your right hand gal, the one that you could count on. I would have been there for you. With my faith and all my hope in God, I wouldn't have let you down. I've kept my promise not to break your heart, but you couldn't keep yours.

I was angry, I'm still a little angry, but I don't want to be. I'm hurt that you killed the Blue Monkey instead of letting it be with the Pink Monkey. It was almost symbolic of how you saw our relationship. I wonder how you are feeling, if you ever think about why you made your decision. It's hard to understand and be in your shoes. Every room in that house holds a memory of me. I wonder if it's killing you to be there. The house that I helped you to find. The rooms will always have memories of us being together.

This is crazy though. It's all in the past though. All I can do is let you go. I can' t worry any more about how you are feeling. I can't be your comforter and the one you tell your secrets to. I can't be there to hug you, to kiss you and to make you feel alright. I have to look out for me and my future without you.

I wonder if one day, you will wonder what I've been up to. I hope I will never wonder about you, but I probably will. I do wish you luck in finding love though it kills me now to think that someone will take my place and maybe make you happier. It brings me to tears knowing that I was wrong about you being the one. I need to move on now.

Funny, I understand the song Goodbye my Lover. It makes sense when you go through something like that.

The phone call

The phone call last night was and shall be the last time I contact my ex. Though I thought I would be strong, I broke down in tears. He is not the man I thought he was. I guess being an optimist, I miss out on how things were not that Rosy.

I missed the signs. Blinded and fooled by false love, a false year and half. By the end of the conversation, I had begun to realise that I don't love this guy, I love the idea of being happy in a relationship with someone who was there.

Although we did have some good times. The most important factor was God's blessings upon our relationship. God is my love and it's because God is the most important entity in my life that I know what love is and I can give it freely. When Cedric first told me that he loved me, I was excited and I know he expected me to say it. So I did, but it took a while for me to fall for him, and convince myself that what I had was love. But love is something more greater, it's more powerful, it's self sacrificing. The reason people tend not to believe in the saying Love conquers all is because they aren't truly loving. God is love and when God is in the picture, Love does conquer all. It frees us from a world of sin. It saves us from the depths of dis pare. It brings us to our creator. God is love and love is freeing.

I care deeply for Cedric, but not in the way I use to. It's more of a sadness because with out God he will always be missing something, whether he chooses to recognise it or not. But in the end, we all will have to face our judgements. I just hope that he returns before it's to late. I will still be praying for him and myself to heal, but when I search into the depths of my heart with all the hurt put aside, I know he is not the one I love.


But he has set me free to be with the one I love and the one I love is Jesus Christ.