Saying good bye is the hardest part.

Well today I had the courage to talk to my ex-boyfriend (on MSN that is). It was painful conversation at parts of the conversation and others it was pleasant like old times. It's kind of funny since every relationship only makes me stronger during the breaking up part. I say this because as much as I hurt inside, but I've also come to accept that I know that it's the right thing. Why should I keep torturing myself into believing that maybe one day he will come to his senses and think 'wow, I've made a mistake by letting her go and I want her back'. This is a harsh reality but I know that I need to move on. I gently tell my heart that it's going to be okay. It truly will be okay.

I want a man who loves me and won't let me go. Anyone who tells you in the break up that they love you but can't be with you is only lying to themselves, because if you love someone you wouldn't let them go. Love is about sacrifices and to tell if someone does love you they wouldn't say goodbye.

I wanted to work on our relationship and I was willing to do whatever it took to make it work, but sometimes as much as one person wants to try hard, it will never work if the other person doesn't put the effort into the relationship to want to make it work.

My sister pointed out that if I wanted to let him know my good news, I should just let him. I even thought about getting back together and doing what it took to win his heart, but then I was like "WAIT", why? Why do I want to be with someone who didn't love me or want to be with me when they had me?

It occurred to me, that I deserve someone who loves me and wants to be with me when they are with me and that losing me would be a greater loss than working things out. It's about working on an adult relationship and yes, of course relationships are hard, but the truth is anything worth anything is worth fighting for. The World wars sucked. It cost a lot of people their lives but the freedom of many was worth the price of the war. The cost of our freedom from sin didn't come cheap. The cost was for one man to lay his life down for those He LOVED.

Maybe that's what faith has renewed in me. Any man who will win my heart must realised that I'm worth it.

I like the song 'If you could read my mind' the line that goes when you reach the part where heartache comes the hero would be me. But heroes often fail'. I think my ex meant well. At the beginning of our relationship he would do anything to prevent tears from me on his part. But he was just a man, a hero that could not protect me from the failings of this world. Only God can save me.

I remember how protective he was when my dad had a fit and took it out on me. Cedric was so angry because he never wanted anyone to hurt me the way my father did that day. He was so protective over me. I thank him for that. He also swore to himself that he would never make me cry like my ex boyfriend Justin did. Justin was cruel, and Cedric vowed to himself that he wouldn't be that kind of guy. But he couldn't help making me cry when I pleaded to him about how much I cared about him about his drug use, and he just couldn't take it.

I don't blame him. He wanted to be my saviour and he put to much pressure on himself to be that, but only God is my saviour. I think partly it was my fault for also wanting him to change to be a better person, but only God can do that kind of saving.

Anyway about the msn conversation. I told him that I was starting to move on and it shocked him. I'm not sure why because we are no longer dating, but I guess it's harder for him to get over me?? That's why I almost want to call him to see from the sound of his voice to see if he's really okay. It's crazy that I still worried about he is feeling when he was the one who broke my heart. I know in reality although we said we would be friends, that we can't be. We were lovers and that makes a friendship anything but possible.

It is also why as a Christian or a born again Christian now to never give the physical away because a piece of you is and will be a part of that person. So now my vow is not to get into that situation. My heart shall be rededicated to the Lord and I shall wait until the man marries me. It will be hard no doubt, but I know it's for the best. Even if I stay single the rest of my life.

There is hope and forgiveness in all of this.

Hopefully yours,
Miss Mae

And the tears came down

So just when I get some really good news and I'm excited and can't wait to tell the one person I want to tell, I'm reminded that I can't.

For a brief moment, I forgot all that has happened and the person who was the most important person in my life won't even get to hear what I have to say because if I dare call him up, my heart will continue to cry. Ironic? Isn't it? Anyway so I called my sister instead. I cried about how much I missed him. I wonder if he misses me or if he's already forgotten about me. I wonder why we bother with love when it never lasts.

All get over him break up advice advises that if you want to move on you have to move away from him that broke your heart. I've been doing well for the most part. I try not to think about it. When I do, I allow myself to cry for a bit knowing that this too shall pass and someone better, more worthy of my love and attention shall come into my life.

As I look at the calendar, tomorrow marks the 3 week mark of being freed to discover myself again. I'm actually going on my first date this Friday along with having an interview for a new job. Things are looking up for me, plus I'm making an effort to look my best and I've started to exercise and I've made a vow to myself to work on my physical health and appearance. I've also prayed more and done devotions to help my heart heal more and more each day.

Sometimes I wonder why this has happened to me and then I figure you have to see the glass half empty or half full. I see it half full. My future will be amazing. I will get the job of my dreams, I will live healthy and happy and possibly find true love once and for all.

For now, I will deal with the heart ache as it comes and if it's meant to be he will come back if not, then I'm meant for some one else.

Sometimes moving forward means standing still for a while. ~Being Erica

I haven't written in a while and it shows. My writings have been very sporadic these past few years as I was busy with school and a few love affairs. I'm back though. It happens when you're single and have a lot more to say.

Cedric and I broke up early this month. Well he broke up with me because he needed it in his life. I did the No Contact rule for me. Part of me tried to yell and tell myself a lie that I'm doing this in hopes that I will return to the once happy state of couple hood. The truth though is that although I miss him, my head is telling me it could never be. I've been doing some soul searching as of late, and I made up a list of positives and negatives about our relationship. Although there is more positive memo's on the sheet, the negatives hold more weight. It occurred to me, that maybe this is the best decision even though it hurts a lot more than I can tell. (Well at least some days when I'm left to deal with the reality that I'm no longer his gal, but I memory of his that shall fade with time.) Most of the time I'm not sad. Most of the time I see that we could never be because of faith and the fact that the boy rather keep his drugs then be with me.

Also as strange as it sounds, although I'm not ranking in the big bucks to afford my own place like he currently is, he even noticed that I'm closer to settling down than he is. Who would have known? I say this because at the current time in my life, I'm unemployed, and hoping to return to school to earn yet another education so that I may open more doors which I have yet to walk through. Silly isn't it. And yet here he is, he's been working for a while and yet he clings to his childhood. He's a soon to be 28 year old man who insists on downloading the latest Naruto and Sponge Bob Square Pants episodes, in addition to his drug use which he still insists to this day is not really a drug.

Ahh, but I still loved him. There are days I cry because I invested a lot and so did everyone else in my family. Especially coming off a break up that not only destroyed the person I was but did so much damage that it's hard to tell how it really has effected me. The heart of a woman should come with a warning to all men "Warning! Proceed with caution. Heart is fragile and will easily break if toyed with." Not that Cedric intentionally damage my heart, but he came in hoping to be the white night, instead he failed like most hero's do. It's well sort of inevitable.

Love comes and goes. The lucky one's find love for longer, but it still goes. My mom says that she doesn't want my dad to love her so much for when she goes to heaven, my father will follow and I will be an Orphan. Although she says I can't really be one since I'm way over the age of 18.

I watched Being Erica today. It was like my life on the mid screen. She ends up bumping into her ex and going for dinner just after she breaks up with her most recent love. In a way I felt and understood what a mistake I did when it played out on the screen. I wish I could take back time and not contact my first ex and end up talking about my most recent love. Yes it wasn't the smartest thing I did. However, I have yet to go to Cedric's house and plead to see him. The most was a letter and we've texted a few times.

I'm doing my best to do the NC rule, but some days it's easier than others. I guess what I'm saying is that break ups happen, and what I've learned from Being Erica is sometimes you need to just feel the pain and let time do the healing.

Although I've put myself out again in the dating world I'm not going to be looking for the next Mr. Right, I'm not even going to be looking for a rebound, just looking for friends. Getting to know the male population again in a purely platonic way.

Miss Mae