Picking at my Brain

Is it terrible?

2011-05-08T20:22:00.001-07:00

I've finished all my lesson plans. Going to start working on getting the stuff prepared. Momentarily I had a lapse of missing my ex. Listened to Sara Evans A Little Bit Stronger. Read some quotes. I'll be okay. Got to keep thinking about the future. Can't keep remembering the past.

Few of my quotes that I thought about:
You really know you love someone when all you want is for them to be happy, even if that means that you are not a part of it.

If you love something, set it free if it comes back, it was meant to be. If it continues to fly, let it soar, have faith that God has something better in store.

Sometimes I wonder what you think of me or if you do at all.

It is tearing me up on the inside to have these feelings for you, but I can't get rid of them.

Mae

April already

2011-04-15T10:27:00.000-07:00

So I asked myself, why am I sad and then I tell myself this too shall pass. I'm holding onto the hope that with each day I will forget him. He's treated me unkind for his own sake and why should I worry about some one who doesn't love or value me? I shouldn't....but it's hard to get over someone who you've spent a long time with and even allowed yourself to get carried away thinking that this is the one.

But I'm an optimist even in these hard to get through times. I've taken the liberty to focus on creating a better me. I use to credit this lifestyle change to my ex because he was into health stuff, but when I really examine it, it's not to his credit, but to my own. In the past I was an active participant to my health and he may have just reminded me of that.

I'm getting into shape for my sister's wedding and my own sense of being. That being said, there are plenty of guys. One who I dated for a about 2 months and considered each other's significant other for 2 weeks before I ended up pulling the plug in the most awkward sort of way and I dumped him because low and behold he goes to a concert and allows this girl who was high to grope him and he returns the favour. Why would I put up with that disrespect. Funny enough we're still friends, though even that is something I am trying to stay away from not getting into anything of the relationship sort. Nice guy, but we're better friends than anything else.

I ask God, why am I in this position and I struggle because I don't want to give up my old ex cedric but I see the signs only leading to a disaster. Even hearing a woman from my church who's husband is a non-believe makes me think, "Ok God, I get it. This would be my heart breaking for my children."

I'm in choir for the moment until this weekend passes and I met this guy. He loves God. He played the trumpet. He's a bird kind of guy. He's tall. He sings. He's a drama major and so he's educated. He's also....................younger than me by 4 years and I'm thinking no way Lord. No way! But I get this nudge which I'm trying to resist. Lucky for me I'm moving to the other side of the world.

To forget about him.
To forget that I was once a foolish girl who was inlove with my ex.
To forget about the fact that I'm still trying to settle into some sort of career.
To for go love for an adventure of a life time.
To learn to find myself.
TO discover that I'm stronger than anyone else including me thinks I am.
To establish myself and pay off my debts.
To teach and give the opportunity to spread my knowledge.
To runaway from any future possible heart ache.

I'll see in two years if he's still free and if I'm in a better place.

Miss Mae

March into March

2011-03-01T17:54:00.000-08:00

Well I have to say that February was a bit of a downer but it helped me exercise all what was left of my emotional baggage. As I look forward to March as a new woman who has an amazing adventure a head of herself I'm proud of the woman I'm becoming.

I have found a possible friend who will be teaching with me next year overseas. I'm not sure how it will work but I'm looking forward to it. So my hopeful plan is to work this summer, finish my TESOL and then work in the fall and then leave to go on my new adventure. It's a full summer a head but I'm looking forward to the possibilities of things to come. If they don't work out well maybe then it's for a reason. I like to think so :)

Anyway I'm getting better at swimming and this month I have a dance class, and I start choir. Lot's of great things to keep me busy and fulfilled. Plus I've had so many amazing guy friends who have helped me assure myself that yes, I'm a amazing woman who deserves the best.

That's all.
Love Mae

WHITE HORSE Lyrics - TAYLOR SWIFT

2011-01-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

WHITE HORSE Lyrics - TAYLOR SWIFT

How To Survive Getting Dumped

2011-01-09T11:56:00.000-08:00

How To Survive Getting Dumped

Going to be leaving the country because I can't get over him

2011-01-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

I want to leave everything about this life that I know. I miss him and he doesn't even care that I miss him. I told him yesterday I'm leaving the country he seemed happy for me but he doesn't know it's because of him that I need to leave.

I still love him but slowly he's disappearing and I'm so scared to forget him.

I hope he'll read this post one day and know that I really loved him and that he broke my heart.

Cedric Gordon Nelson I miss you and I love you but since I can't be with you I don't want to remember you anymore. I don't want to remember us. I wish I never met you.

Mei

My Bucket List

2010-12-13T20:03:00.000-08:00

So I've taken the steps to really complete my 43 things on my list. :) This makes me happy. I completed the first portion of my TESOL class, which means in a year or so I will be able to jet set along and take an adventure for me.
I'm stronger than I think.

It's been almost 3 months

2010-12-06T12:04:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I said I would be done with men. You know focus on me...but the funny thing is every where I go, I'm reminded of him :( and it makes me feel sad. Today at the bank there was a truck outside that said "Drayton Valley" Ford. That's where he was from and so it triggered my memories of him. I'm sure he's doing great right now. Living the simple life that he always wanted. His last e-mail gave me the indication that he just wanted to be left alone aka he needs space away from me.

So I'm respecting his wishes...it hurts because his birthday is next week, and while I would want to wish him the best, I can and will not go and call him. I can't anyway, I deleted his phone number, his e-mail address and he is no longer on my facebook nor do I go on it anyway.

Sadly a part of me is desperately trying to hang onto the hope that he'll wake up one day and say, "God, I've been an idiot, and I miss you and I want you in my life." Stupid foolish me. I know that's not going to happen. So I force myself to get myself out there. Meet other fish, see which one will lead to what I had. I'm going as far as applying for school outside of my home city. Just so I can start fresh, new career, new job, new location. I don't want to be reminded of the life I had, or the life I wanted with him.

I understand this, but when will my heart catch up and wake up to realize that Cedric is never coming back.

Miss Mae

Done with men...for now

2010-10-13T10:53:00.001-07:00

So Monday I had a date with Brad. He seemed like a really nice guy, except that he showed up late. He did text me to tell me that yes he would be 25 minutes late... 45 minutes later we met. Why did I put up with that? I don't know, because part of me is a hardcore romantic and maybe just maybe if I do this than just maybe I'll meet the Man of my dreams. Perhaps, if I didn't take a chance I would be missing out?

Live with no regrets right? How does one know if they are making a regret or not? Isn't a regret only after the fact?

Anyway so Brad showed up. We talked, he was quiet, and he told me about his fascination with colouring books at the age of 34. I never thought I would find a man who loved to still go home and colour. Usually I would be excited to find a guy who is still a kid at heart at that age, but then I remember my ex and I've come to wonder why am I settling for guys who aren't grown up yet.

Sure you can say but wait, are you fully into the claws of adulthood, the woman who preaches never lose that child at heart. Yes I'm fully aware of that. However, there comes the point when you get tired of boys who still play Peter Pan and you want a real man to come and sweep you off your feet, or maybe you just need no guy but a pet.

Maybe I'm tired of wanting to be in a relationship and working to maintain a relationship when the guys don't even want to work on one. Maybe I'm tired of always being unselfish and giving up more of my self, my life, my time for men who neither appreciate or understand the sacrafice. Maybe I'm actually getting sick of dating Mr. Wrong who happens to be there.

I just want to come home and be appreciated, be loved for who I am. I don't need a man, I need a pet.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get myself a pet. I always thought I wanted children, a house and a husband, but what if life only gives you none of these and you're left to make your own happiness?

Right now, maybe I'm not the woman I've always imagined myself to be. Maybe I need to become that woman and work on being her for a while.

Loving her.

I'm going to the pet store this weekend and getting myself a pet.

A Ex#3 poetry

2010-10-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

Empty dreams, that’s what you left.

I told you I was a fragile heart.

When I took that first step,

You knew my condition from the start.

Now all I ever do is cry

And trust no other guy

Because inside my heart is dead

All the flowers are rotten instead.

And there you are entering my dreams

Filling my heart with hatred screams

Because my heart knows this ain’t real

You’re like a thief in the night and you’re out to steal

All that’s left of me now is this empty vase

Once filled to the brim of bright colours to gaze

Broken into pieces is this shattered glass maze

Where nothing is clear at the base

Nothing is clear and nothing makes sense

Open wounds, a heart of a year and a half spent

Filled with shatter hopes and regrets

Sorrows and hatred and I repent.

How can you love, when you don’t know what love is

For you aren’t my saviour, you’re still have the mind of a kid

I need a knight in amour to save

And he’s coming on his horse, fighting through the night.

He wants to save me,

To make me his wife!

And all the long I was trusting in boys

But the saying goes give your heart to them and they’ll treat it like toys.

So I’ve learnt from my mistakes

Of putting my heart out on open stakes

To be cautious of love, if it’s not sent from above

Like a candle in the wind, guard it closely before it’s too late.

And the fire gets blown out and you make the same mistake.

When real love comes knocking it patiently waits.

Because when real love opens the door

It’s there to stay evermore.

My moment of Insanity

2010-10-07T10:02:00.001-07:00

*I almost pressed send...thank goodness I didn't.
Hey Cedric,

I know, you probably don't want to hear from me. I wanted to let you know I said things that I shouldn't have said because I was hurt. I miss you. I still love you but I'm trying each day not to love you because it hurts so much. You may not understand this but I don't want to be with anyone else but you or at least that's what my heart tells me right now. Nat's and Brian and Tina are all trying to set me up with all these guys, great guys that are good for me, but it doesn't matter because my heart wants you. I don't even know why... I've had a couple of great guys that have shown interest, guys are what I think is good for me, but I just can't get you off my mine. I know guys hate it when girls are sad. I know you probably hate it.

I really want to be strong for you so that you can move on with your life because we both deserve to find love and happiness once again. Sometimes my heart screams out because I would do anything to have you back. I don't care about the drugs. If I had know that it meant losing you then I wouldn't have cared. Mom says it's because I really loved you more than any of the other guys... if this is what love leads to then I'm not allowing myself to cry infront of another. I won't be vulnerable again.

Everyday I tell myself that I'm moving on. I'm starting my new job working with kids, it's part time but it's a start, just got offered it today :) I'm super excited because it's what I want to do. I'm also going to register for online school as well. I can't leave for at least a year because of Nat's wedding. It will be good though, maybe it's about time I settled down for a while. I'm trying to keep myself busy so that I don't have to think of you. There are moments that reminds me of you so much that it kills me. I may never understand what went wrong. In my eyes I didn't see that we had a lot of problems because most couples would fight but we didn't really fight. Though if one person wants out then it's just not meant to be. I ask God this each day knowing that it's His will but Cedric, I still wonder if you miss me or if you think about me, and I really do wish the best for you and if the best is not me, then I hope you find her. I get up and pray for you every morning now. I never use to pray for you so much but I read that if I pray for you it will help me heal too. I pray that you will be blessed with abundance of wealth, happiness, health and love.

I think about you and what you are doing right now. I went halloween shopping for my costume the other day, I couldn't wear the nurse costume since I'm going to be working with kids this halloween, and it needs to be appropriate. I had this thought that by Halloween you would have moved on already. Met someone at the club, she would been dressed in something sexy like the girls on your computers and you would have had a one night stand with her that probably ends up as something more. Or Brian would lend you a few of his picks ;)

I can see myself moving on too, I'm not sure when this heart stuff will go away, never thought I would ever love someone as much as I loved you. Tracey says to deny that I don't love you is to put a wall up and hide from the hurt. I know that I will probably end up with one of the guys I'm set up with who is good for me. Not that I love him, but he's good for me. I want to grow to love him but that means first letting you out of my heart so I can let someone new in.

Sorry this is a moment of my insanity. I'm broken and I'm down with the flu and my heart misses you.

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving :D I hope all is well with you and your family. I wish them the best as well.

Dear Ex Letter

2010-10-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes with hurt you say things that aren't very nice and are far from the truth. I told you I didn't love you and the truth is that I've been trying to lie to myself about loving you only because it hurts thinking that I do love you when I know that you've rejected me.

One of the thing I've been doing to heal and get on with my life is searching for answers. I said I got closure but I wonder if I did. I managed to get some of the anger out of being left to wonder why you can't be with me when you still love me. It's an oxymoron that doesn't seem to make any sense. How can you say you still love me when you don't want to be with me?

I've found this step program that was interesting. The article takes you through steps to help you move on.

I found this line to be important:

Pray that your Ex will be granted all of the health, wealth and happiness you wish for yourself. Even if you are not a religious person, or you don't believe in God, the act itself is liberating.

Read more: http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/how-to-get-over-your-ex-20231.html#ixzz11PjQ3UNs
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution

I've been doing well on moving on but yesterday I came across this picture and it made me sad. All I wanted to do was hold you once again like in the picture but I can't. It's a death that is cruel. At least with a physical death you are forced to mourn and grieve because the person you love is no longer in this life. This type of death, the death of a relationship is a cruel one since the person you love will be comforted by another arms. The sweet secrets whispered in their ears will be by another lover. That the times they make you cry but you smile even though you want to be upset because they say something that makes you remembered why you love them will now be in the hands of someone else.

Do you miss me Cedric? I never thought we had a bad relationship. We never fought, I know you had trouble opening up or had trouble being intimate, but was our relationship that bad that you warrant for it's death?

Sometimes I wonder if it was more so that you were scared of commitment. I know you had a hard time coping with your parents divorce and that you saw the other failed relationships in your life crumble before your eyes. We were getting to a point that it was becoming serious and you knew you had to make a decision. I wanted to let you know, that I wouldn't have let us fall a part, that I was your right hand gal, the one that you could count on. I would have been there for you. With my faith and all my hope in God, I wouldn't have let you down. I've kept my promise not to break your heart, but you couldn't keep yours.

I was angry, I'm still a little angry, but I don't want to be. I'm hurt that you killed the Blue Monkey instead of letting it be with the Pink Monkey. It was almost symbolic of how you saw our relationship. I wonder how you are feeling, if you ever think about why you made your decision. It's hard to understand and be in your shoes. Every room in that house holds a memory of me. I wonder if it's killing you to be there. The house that I helped you to find. The rooms will always have memories of us being together.

This is crazy though. It's all in the past though. All I can do is let you go. I can' t worry any more about how you are feeling. I can't be your comforter and the one you tell your secrets to. I can't be there to hug you, to kiss you and to make you feel alright. I have to look out for me and my future without you.

I wonder if one day, you will wonder what I've been up to. I hope I will never wonder about you, but I probably will. I do wish you luck in finding love though it kills me now to think that someone will take my place and maybe make you happier. It brings me to tears knowing that I was wrong about you being the one. I need to move on now.

Funny, I understand the song Goodbye my Lover. It makes sense when you go through something like that.

The phone call

2010-10-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

The phone call last night was and shall be the last time I contact my ex. Though I thought I would be strong, I broke down in tears. He is not the man I thought he was. I guess being an optimist, I miss out on how things were not that Rosy.

I missed the signs. Blinded and fooled by false love, a false year and half. By the end of the conversation, I had begun to realise that I don't love this guy, I love the idea of being happy in a relationship with someone who was there.

Although we did have some good times. The most important factor was God's blessings upon our relationship. God is my love and it's because God is the most important entity in my life that I know what love is and I can give it freely. When Cedric first told me that he loved me, I was excited and I know he expected me to say it. So I did, but it took a while for me to fall for him, and convince myself that what I had was love. But love is something more greater, it's more powerful, it's self sacrificing. The reason people tend not to believe in the saying Love conquers all is because they aren't truly loving. God is love and when God is in the picture, Love does conquer all. It frees us from a world of sin. It saves us from the depths of dis pare. It brings us to our creator. God is love and love is freeing.

I care deeply for Cedric, but not in the way I use to. It's more of a sadness because with out God he will always be missing something, whether he chooses to recognise it or not. But in the end, we all will have to face our judgements. I just hope that he returns before it's to late. I will still be praying for him and myself to heal, but when I search into the depths of my heart with all the hurt put aside, I know he is not the one I love.

But he has set me free to be with the one I love and the one I love is Jesus Christ.

Saying good bye is the hardest part.

2010-09-30T15:22:00.000-07:00

Well today I had the courage to talk to my ex-boyfriend (on MSN that is). It was painful conversation at parts of the conversation and others it was pleasant like old times. It's kind of funny since every relationship only makes me stronger during the breaking up part. I say this because as much as I hurt inside, but I've also come to accept that I know that it's the right thing. Why should I keep torturing myself into believing that maybe one day he will come to his senses and think 'wow, I've made a mistake by letting her go and I want her back'. This is a harsh reality but I know that I need to move on. I gently tell my heart that it's going to be okay. It truly will be okay.

I want a man who loves me and won't let me go. Anyone who tells you in the break up that they love you but can't be with you is only lying to themselves, because if you love someone you wouldn't let them go. Love is about sacrifices and to tell if someone does love you they wouldn't say goodbye.

I wanted to work on our relationship and I was willing to do whatever it took to make it work, but sometimes as much as one person wants to try hard, it will never work if the other person doesn't put the effort into the relationship to want to make it work.

My sister pointed out that if I wanted to let him know my good news, I should just let him. I even thought about getting back together and doing what it took to win his heart, but then I was like "WAIT", why? Why do I want to be with someone who didn't love me or want to be with me when they had me?

It occurred to me, that I deserve someone who loves me and wants to be with me when they are with me and that losing me would be a greater loss than working things out. It's about working on an adult relationship and yes, of course relationships are hard, but the truth is anything worth anything is worth fighting for. The World wars sucked. It cost a lot of people their lives but the freedom of many was worth the price of the war. The cost of our freedom from sin didn't come cheap. The cost was for one man to lay his life down for those He LOVED.

Maybe that's what faith has renewed in me. Any man who will win my heart must realised that I'm worth it.

I like the song 'If you could read my mind' the line that goes when you reach the part where heartache comes the hero would be me. But heroes often fail'. I think my ex meant well. At the beginning of our relationship he would do anything to prevent tears from me on his part. But he was just a man, a hero that could not protect me from the failings of this world. Only God can save me.

I remember how protective he was when my dad had a fit and took it out on me. Cedric was so angry because he never wanted anyone to hurt me the way my father did that day. He was so protective over me. I thank him for that. He also swore to himself that he would never make me cry like my ex boyfriend Justin did. Justin was cruel, and Cedric vowed to himself that he wouldn't be that kind of guy. But he couldn't help making me cry when I pleaded to him about how much I cared about him about his drug use, and he just couldn't take it.

I don't blame him. He wanted to be my saviour and he put to much pressure on himself to be that, but only God is my saviour. I think partly it was my fault for also wanting him to change to be a better person, but only God can do that kind of saving.

Anyway about the msn conversation. I told him that I was starting to move on and it shocked him. I'm not sure why because we are no longer dating, but I guess it's harder for him to get over me?? That's why I almost want to call him to see from the sound of his voice to see if he's really okay. It's crazy that I still worried about he is feeling when he was the one who broke my heart. I know in reality although we said we would be friends, that we can't be. We were lovers and that makes a friendship anything but possible.

It is also why as a Christian or a born again Christian now to never give the physical away because a piece of you is and will be a part of that person. So now my vow is not to get into that situation. My heart shall be rededicated to the Lord and I shall wait until the man marries me. It will be hard no doubt, but I know it's for the best. Even if I stay single the rest of my life.

There is hope and forgiveness in all of this.

Hopefully yours,
Miss Mae

And the tears came down

2010-09-29T20:24:00.001-07:00

So just when I get some really good news and I'm excited and can't wait to tell the one person I want to tell, I'm reminded that I can't.

For a brief moment, I forgot all that has happened and the person who was the most important person in my life won't even get to hear what I have to say because if I dare call him up, my heart will continue to cry. Ironic? Isn't it? Anyway so I called my sister instead. I cried about how much I missed him. I wonder if he misses me or if he's already forgotten about me. I wonder why we bother with love when it never lasts.

All get over him break up advice advises that if you want to move on you have to move away from him that broke your heart. I've been doing well for the most part. I try not to think about it. When I do, I allow myself to cry for a bit knowing that this too shall pass and someone better, more worthy of my love and attention shall come into my life.

As I look at the calendar, tomorrow marks the 3 week mark of being freed to discover myself again. I'm actually going on my first date this Friday along with having an interview for a new job. Things are looking up for me, plus I'm making an effort to look my best and I've started to exercise and I've made a vow to myself to work on my physical health and appearance. I've also prayed more and done devotions to help my heart heal more and more each day.

Sometimes I wonder why this has happened to me and then I figure you have to see the glass half empty or half full. I see it half full. My future will be amazing. I will get the job of my dreams, I will live healthy and happy and possibly find true love once and for all.

For now, I will deal with the heart ache as it comes and if it's meant to be he will come back if not, then I'm meant for some one else.

Sometimes moving forward means standing still for a while. ~Being Erica

2010-09-28T21:14:00.001-07:00

I haven't written in a while and it shows. My writings have been very sporadic these past few years as I was busy with school and a few love affairs. I'm back though. It happens when you're single and have a lot more to say.

Cedric and I broke up early this month. Well he broke up with me because he needed it in his life. I did the No Contact rule for me. Part of me tried to yell and tell myself a lie that I'm doing this in hopes that I will return to the once happy state of couple hood. The truth though is that although I miss him, my head is telling me it could never be. I've been doing some soul searching as of late, and I made up a list of positives and negatives about our relationship. Although there is more positive memo's on the sheet, the negatives hold more weight. It occurred to me, that maybe this is the best decision even though it hurts a lot more than I can tell. (Well at least some days when I'm left to deal with the reality that I'm no longer his gal, but I memory of his that shall fade with time.) Most of the time I'm not sad. Most of the time I see that we could never be because of faith and the fact that the boy rather keep his drugs then be with me.

Also as strange as it sounds, although I'm not ranking in the big bucks to afford my own place like he currently is, he even noticed that I'm closer to settling down than he is. Who would have known? I say this because at the current time in my life, I'm unemployed, and hoping to return to school to earn yet another education so that I may open more doors which I have yet to walk through. Silly isn't it. And yet here he is, he's been working for a while and yet he clings to his childhood. He's a soon to be 28 year old man who insists on downloading the latest Naruto and Sponge Bob Square Pants episodes, in addition to his drug use which he still insists to this day is not really a drug.

Ahh, but I still loved him. There are days I cry because I invested a lot and so did everyone else in my family. Especially coming off a break up that not only destroyed the person I was but did so much damage that it's hard to tell how it really has effected me. The heart of a woman should come with a warning to all men "Warning! Proceed with caution. Heart is fragile and will easily break if toyed with." Not that Cedric intentionally damage my heart, but he came in hoping to be the white night, instead he failed like most hero's do. It's well sort of inevitable.

Love comes and goes. The lucky one's find love for longer, but it still goes. My mom says that she doesn't want my dad to love her so much for when she goes to heaven, my father will follow and I will be an Orphan. Although she says I can't really be one since I'm way over the age of 18.

I watched Being Erica today. It was like my life on the mid screen. She ends up bumping into her ex and going for dinner just after she breaks up with her most recent love. In a way I felt and understood what a mistake I did when it played out on the screen. I wish I could take back time and not contact my first ex and end up talking about my most recent love. Yes it wasn't the smartest thing I did. However, I have yet to go to Cedric's house and plead to see him. The most was a letter and we've texted a few times.

I'm doing my best to do the NC rule, but some days it's easier than others. I guess what I'm saying is that break ups happen, and what I've learned from Being Erica is sometimes you need to just feel the pain and let time do the healing.

Although I've put myself out again in the dating world I'm not going to be looking for the next Mr. Right, I'm not even going to be looking for a rebound, just looking for friends. Getting to know the male population again in a purely platonic way.

Miss Mae

Monday...lol

2010-03-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

So most people dread Mondays. I don't. I love my life. I talked it over with my dad and my finances are in a not to bad position. I love my dad because he's really smart even though he drives me crazy sometimes.

It's strange, this feels good to be taking it easy. I guess God was right in saying that I don't have to worry about things because He really does provide. It was strange the way my dad talked to me. Sort of prophetic in some ways. It's crazy because it's not just my dad talking to me, but it almost feels like God is talking through him to me. Father's are so important!

I get upset because I really can't see the big picture of things. I want to but I can't. I've made some mistakes but it seems God can really turn it into something beautiful.

I have my interview in a week. I'm nervous, but my dad said it will be okay. And I believe him. No matter what, I will be okay. God has not abandoned me nor forsaken me. I'm going to be just fine. When I die, I will have lived a life worth living.

Today my dad explained about my investments. It doesn't fully make sense but he's a wise man and I believe in him. My grandfather also gave me some books on business. It's a lot. But I don't mind reading.

I'll write again. Hopefully soon.

A Letter from the Past

2010-02-22T12:29:00.000-08:00

So just before I went to cry out to God on how I'm feeling overwhelmed by life, I remembered that I wrote myself a letter. I was only to open it September 29th 2010 but being the year 2010, I decided to open it.

Here is the contents of the letter, I wrote to myself 5 years ago.

Dear (my name),
I am writing this to you from you who was and has been you. It should now be 5 years from today September 29th, 2005. I don't know what life has brought to you in the past years but I want to remind you that no matter what has happen to you, you can make it. God has brought you through a difficult time in your life and He will never leave nor forsake you. Remember what challenges you will only make you a stronger person. There is no expectations from you except that you find happiness in what you are doing and that it brings glory to God. Remember never forget even though you may not feel it at times you are a warrior, a princess of the most high. Even if you messd up, you have never really messed up since life is a learning process. Don't give up on learning to grow and find out who you are. It takes time to heal, but in God's timing all the struggles, joys and possibilities will make sense.
I am hoping and praying that the person reading this will know that she is loved by the only one who matters and that is God Himself.
In Him always,
(my name) of the past.

Sometimes you just have to be thankful

2010-02-17T11:49:00.000-08:00

I think I've been complaining to much. Yes I have problems, but so does everyone else. The thing is I haven't been thankful when I should have been. There is a plenty and always many things to be thankful for.

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

For one I complain about not working. I should be happy that I have the time to write while I can. I don't have to worry about paying interest, even though I have debt, I don't have to worry about where I will lay my head to rest tonight, or that I won't have food to feed my belly. I'm thankful that I had enough to go to school and the joys of an education. I have at least 5 very good friends, two loving parents, grandparents, and sisters. I'm the most rich person in the world because I'm of value to the being that matters the most. I'm a beloved child of God, I'm forgiven. I will always be taken care of by God and I'm more precious than the sparrows.

That is an amazing life. And I think I need to remind myself that when I see the amounting debt, that is just one thing. I have 10 others to be grateful and thankful for.

Amen.

A lot can happen in a week

2010-02-02T10:11:00.001-08:00

Well although I'm feeling better about my business, my social life was a bit on the rough side. That being said my relationship with my sister was a little rocky the past week. I think it will work its self out as all things do. We haven't talked though for a few days. Partly because she is over in Quebec and I'm out west.

I wonder if all siblings go through various stages of fighting. I don't really like fighting with her but I felt it was important for me to take a stand if I felt she might get hurt. You can only really do so much though.

My boyfriend has been wonderful. I can't wait till our year anniversary. This is the longest relationship I've been in and it's been the happiest one. I've never met a guy who has so much heart for others. He is a real sweet heart. Although I get sad sometimes when I don't get to see him as much as I'd like, I know that he is a super hard worker and he loves me so much.

Other things going on in my life, I'm still job searching, volunteering and trying to make my life the best it can. I'm trying to be a person that at the end of my life I would love to have met. I wrote a list of things of my ideal job because it goes with my ideal life. You know the most important things in life are not things at all. They are the people you surround yourself with. So I wrote how I imagine my ideal job because that is where I spend a lot of my day at.

My list:
What my Job offers (I wrote this January 14).
1. My job offers travel benefits as it is just part of the job. I get to travel and meet new people, see new places, and go on an adventure.
2. My job allows my mind to grow and continually challenges me to learn new things about the world, about my job, about my world.
3. My job helps others become better people that contribute to planet earth.
4. My job gives me the time to volunteer and spend time with my family and friends.
5. I make $40,000 - $50,000 a year.
6. My job has health and vision benefits for me and my family.
7. My job offers me upward mobility.

I LOVE MY JOB

Ideally that might or might not come true but I figure if you work toward a goal it's always good.

One thing I thought about lately was how I want my life to be. I want to make myself a promise that I won't do things that are not true to who I am. That includes every decision must be my own or else it's not my life I'm living, it's some body else.

So I've really started to re-evaluate my decisions. I guess when you have time to think and reflect you really do get to see where and what your life is shaping to be. One of the things I've been getting back into is my daily bible readings. I find this encouraging as it is helping me return to my spiritual side. I'm going to focus on developing better relationships with my peeps and try to live a more thankful life. I want to make decisions as if I was talking to an older, wiser version of me and how she would see life and my decisions. One of the things I would like for my life is to be less hard on myself. I don't give myself enough credit for being human.

Today I'm going to love myself.

:D

Extremely Depressed

2010-01-26T09:38:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 6:30am just to fall a sleep for 2.5 more hours of grueling nightmares. In one of my dreams I dreamt I was playing a game but it was a version of a surreal Super Mario game in which I became Bowser and I was smashing Mario under my foot and the former me. It was strange. I also dreamt that I was leaving the University Art Parkade except it was a lot bigger, had a lot more floors and the elevators lead to levels I wasn't trying to get to. I also so my friend and I wished him well with his love life.

I guess when I woke up I didn't feel in the mood to focus since I wasn't sure if I wanted to live. In my state of semi consious I thought about how the world would be better off without me. How I would be much happier floating around as a ghost with no more debt, responsibilities and no more cares. I would just be observing life and not have to be a active participant.

I guess it scares me because I look at my life and I'm like is this really where I want to be? I've started a business and I'm afraid that I can't make it a success and let myself down. My mom won't lend me a money and I'm still trying to find a job in the worst of luck. Sometimes I feel hopeless like there is no way out. I have a heavy heart and I'm trying to let it go but it scares me.

I can't breathe.

I can breathe.

It's like another part of my dream, where I was emerged into water and I was drowning. I couldn't get out of the water. I couldn't breathe and the water was covering me. I could see a light but I couldn't move toward it. I was stuck.

I don't want to be stuck.

I miss him

2010-01-25T10:07:00.000-08:00

Ok so my beau hasn't been gone long. Sometimes I tell myself it's not like he's in the army. His trips are only usually a week or so. But it's hard because as much as I would like to say, "I'm fine with being away from him" I really do miss him a lot.

Gone for four days. Working the Saturday. Gone on Sunday. Will be back on Friday. Boy's night Saturday. Maybe I'll see him Sunday?

So I try to keep myself as occupied to warrant forgetting that I really want to be with him. I've told him how much I've fallen for him and that is the worst predicament a girl can get herself into. Once you're in that stage you know you got it bad and that you're hooked on him.

Yes. That's a bad thing.

Because you know that although you are capable to handle things on your own (after all you're a strong fierce, independent woman) you realize that you do want to do things with your other half. And there's your problem.

It's your other half that makes your heart yearn for being together. It's your other half that makes you feel more complete when they are around. I don't like feeling incomplete, so this bothers me that I miss my other part of me when he is away. The problem is that I'm not sure if he sees me as deeply as I see him.

Anyway, so I try to keep busy. I mean don't get me wrong, I have a lot of things to keep me busy with. I have two business' that I'm trying to build up, tons of family and friends to hang with and several volunteer commitments....but I still get that feeling of things are better when done together.

So my weekend was productive, I did some photo shoots, got some business stuff done, hanged with family and now that takes me up to Monday.

So until the next time...

Juggling

2010-01-21T11:22:00.000-08:00

Ok so I will be writing my business blog and personal blog while starting two business' and the list keeps growing. This one however will be about my personal life or other wise known as the Journal, while the other blog is known as the process of business.

Wish me luck
Mae

It's a new, filled with new opportunity

2010-01-19T09:33:00.001-08:00

So last night I could barely sleep. I was filled with the excitement and possibility of starting a business and today I'm going to sign those papers. I'm a little scared because I worry, what if it doesn't turn out, what if I'm just not cut out for it...But then I tell my heart what Santiago told his heart, "Fear of suffering is worst than suffering itself." So I'm going to go out there and try. You fail if you don't try.

Another launching pad will be the revealing of my photography business called Un-Earthed Photography. I am going to start designing it so that I can get it ready to put up when I have a web space. I am hoping it will be great.

Anyway I have to get ready to meet my business partner for my first business. It's selling Arbonne products, but since I love the products I'm sure I will be lucky with this one. Finger's cross.

Blessings,
Mae

Missing a part of my brain

2010-01-15T09:33:00.000-08:00

Well not really. But when I finished school a few months, my brain has been craving learning and I've tried to feed it by taking a Chinese course and learning some fairly simple computer software programs.

Some how it still wants more. Today I woke up feeling amazing, not because of the amount of sleep I got, but for the very fact that I love my life. Yes. Strange as it is to say when you don't really have work or you have a pile load of debt owed to your parents, but still think my life is utterly blessed and amazing.

Wow.

The reasons for this is that when I look back in my life, I have not failed to do what I've wanted to do. I am making my life my own. When I looked back at my years spent at University only one year was extremely hard and there were only a few moments in the following year from that, that was hard to deal with. But what it did for me was prove that my life is growing from where I started.

I was thinking about that extremely hard year I had and I realize it was the best year for growth, change and healing. I had to deal with my inner demons because they were catching up to me and ended having a semi nervous breakdown. Yes, it was painful but beauty comes from pain. I had to go through what was bottled inside, face those deaths and tragedy and let go and grow from it. It made me a stronger person. Even with my failed relationship from my emotionally distant and abusive boyfriend Justin, I discovered that I was a strong woman who was not going to give up on life.

This past year last year has only brought me joy. I can't tell you how amazingly happy I am to find Cedric, my faith again, and my sense of self worth. I never would have thought that I would find a guy who makes me laugh more times than I can count on all my fingers and toes. I can't tell you how it feels to have a guy say "I love You" softly, and yet at the same time having enough power to crush the mountains in South Africa with the meaning behind those words. The best part about being in love is having someone love you back.

And my career goals. What I keep forgetting is my life motto: I want to live an extraordinary life so that when I die, others have benefited because I lived. You can't live an extraordinary life if you life a life settled into the dust. You need to take chances, dream big and go after what you want.

So this year what I want is to take the path less traveled. Life is my oyster and I'm here to find my pearl.

Miss Mae

To sleep or not to sleep that is the question?

2010-01-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

Hi I'm an insomniac. I can't sleep. Haven't for a couple of weeks now. I stay up late and try to get up before 10:00am. Work status: Still unemployed. Education status: Graduated with distinction. So here I am reading the Arbonne Magazines that the nice lady who is the consultant gave me. A home based business looks well enticing. BUT can I turn it into a success? Will I touch gold with this one?

I'm a little hesitant about this one. Being reading mix reviews on it, but I really have to say that I'm impressed with the product. For those of you who have heard of Arbonne, it's a naturally based product. I think the majority of the ingredients are natural. Obviously in the beauty world you can't go completely free from chemicals unless you take oatmeal facials, but for everything that comes in a bottle I would be skeptic if they didn't have chemicals.

But for me, it's a product with the use of a lot of natural herbs, which I do read up on have health benefits. And they don't have that nasty chemical smell that I'm so accustom to.

So here's my position. I'm a struggling artist looking for work. I'm a creative writer graduating in the worst reccession since the 1980's. Bad luck, or opportunity? I remember the quote I used in a journal I wrote for one of my acting class. It says: A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ~Sir Winston Churchill

I'm not sure if I will be able to succeed in growing my own home base business, but I guess you will never know unless you try. What do I have to lose? I figure the cost of starting up which would be $130 + $7 shipping and handling. What can I gain? Experience in learning more about running my own business, making new contacts which is something I wanted to do anyone. Like the Alchemist says about friends and travel. I too want to travel and meet new people like the Alchemist and seek out opportunities for experience. In some strange way, I do want to learn more about business. I hope to run my own sucessful theatre and training center as well as complete my masters and Ph.D. I also wanted to run my own photography business at one time. Sometimes I think I dream to big, but at the same time I don't think I could be one of thoes people that never dream at all.

At one point in my life I recall having a life motto in which it was "I want to live an EXTRAORDINARY Life so that when I die, others have benefited because I lived." Isn't that in some way a greater purpose, to leave a mark on others lives so that they to will want to leave a mark on someone elses life to make the best of what God has so amazingly blessed them with?

Another goal is to return to Cambodia and just be there as a role model and support for the children in the Aids orphanage.

Well I guess that just means I have to take chances, and dream big. Maybe I will try this business, take a chance to see just how far I can make it. Just like my acting. Just like my writing. Just like everything else in my life. I'm here for the adventure of a life time.

Miss Mae

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams...

2010-01-10T10:38:00.000-08:00

So what exactly is that. I feel lost! No longer am I wandering the valley of dreams but I've gotten stuck on some on marked high way trying to figure out who and what I'm suppose to be doing as I reach my destination.

Scared and confused. A drama graduate looking for work, and slowly, bit by bit letting go of the dream.

They say dreamers die, but where do they go when they are still living?

It's almost one week into the new year. I've updated my goals lists and I'm on my way to getting some of them done. However, I feel lost. Confused. I've spent the past few months just searching for work. I don't want to settle but at the same time I don't want to starve and be another struggling artist trying to make it in the world of sharks.

Maybe this is what the Alchemist said about following your personal legend. It gets harder when you go further on your journey, as if the world tests you to see if that's what you really want to do. Maybe my beginner's luck has run it's course.

I'm 27 years old. In six months I will be 28. I've traveled Canada, and the USA. I finished a diploma program in Journalism Arts, and I've finished now a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Drama degree. I'm educated, not to bad looking, creative and unemployed. What am I doing with my life. I signed up for a musical theatre show, but in truth, I'm not sure I really want to audition. I'm scared shit less, and yet acting, performing is what I really want to do. At the same time I'm worried that there are millions of other things that I also want to do, and things that I have to do in order to survive. Do I sign up for Chinese class again, even though I know I don't have a job yet? How am I going to make money? How am I going to pay my bills. Fears that are realistically haunting and paralyzing me. Will I have enough to move out of my parents house in two years with all my school debts? What about graduate school? When will I have the money to do that.

What I wish for is some direction, a sign to say that things will be alright, that what I'm doing is the right thing. I need a sign to say keep going. I have no encouragement from my family, who want me to get a job, drop the dream and live moderately ever after in a nearly invisible existence. What is my purpose God? God are you there? It's me down here the person flapping like a fish out of water.

God?? God?? HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Just finish the last show and now it's christmas anxiety

2009-12-14T12:51:00.000-08:00

So we just wrapped up the run for the Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. It was great to work on the make-up team. I had some fantastic help. I was a little bit stress, but now that the show is done I can focus on getting my Christmas shopping done.

The problem is, is that I'm broke due to my lack of unemployment and I have to work with a small budget if I want to get my boyfriends family anything. So I'm a little stress. On top of that, I just have a lot of things to get done but not a lot of time to do it in.

Last night after the show, I was a bit of a train wreck. I love my boyfriend, but I wonder if our different beliefs in faith will come between us.

It's hard because I want to be able to share my faith but I don't want to push anything on him. That will only push him away. At the same time, I don't want to lose my own faith in the process. His family is what I want in future in-laws and he would make a great father one day. At the same time I question whether I would be able to raise children where the father doesn't believe in God.

My moral situation I suppose. I'm confuse a lot lately about trying to keep my life together but there are days when I just want to fall apart at the seams.

Anyway I need to get back to writing a more consistent blog. Writing helps me organize my own thoughts on a day to day.

Love always,
Miss Mae

Post Grad Blues

2009-11-12T01:13:00.000-08:00

So it' s 2:13am in the morning. What am I doing up this late, or this early. Well I can't sleep. I should be getting some really good sleep tonight because today I walk the stage on what's suppose to be one of the happiest moment in my life; the day I graduate from University. Instead I am filled with fear and anxiety because it's been 3 months since my last class and I still haven't found a job.

I think it's partly because I didn't pick a great major, I followed my heart to find where my passion lay and that brought me to a B.F.A in Drama or a Bachelor of Fuck All. Yes a brown color sash represents my faculty. Ironic as it sounds, I like to think the color represents my situation...urr a pile of shit.

But should I be hard on myself. I mean it takes about 3-6 months to get a job after graduation and this is a terrible economy. I shouldn't be hard on myself, but here I am, 27, unemployed and well over qualified for a retail job. And yes I've applied to retail and was turned down. It made me feel pretty pathetic.

It makes me question what am I doing with my life. Should I give myself time to really focus on acting or building a theatre or should I settle for a job that brings in money. If someone told me my life would turn out this way...I wouldn' t have believed them. Is this really my life?

I'm plagued with the sickening feeling of how messed up this is. I was an over achiever in school. I was the one so many professors thought would succeed and yet, here I find myself in this pickle of a mess. With debt that I can't even dare to look at for going to school to get an education to get a good job only to find out, with my education I can't even get a job that I could have gotten before I graduated!!!

So if any one is reading this I wouldn't mind some advice. I feel like I'm up the creek with no paddle.

Miss Mae

Life is a gift and it shall not be wasted

2009-10-22T10:49:00.001-07:00

I'm really so blessed. Sometimes I think that I have the right to complain about life. Then I realised that I'm being stupid. Life is a gift and it shall not be wasted. I don't blog enough on a daily basis. I looked back at my entries and some of them are far between each other. My life may not be perfect, but it will be what I want it to be if I do the best I can to make it the way it ought to be.

I think we are in control of some of our aspects of our lives, the rest is left up to the fact of fate, and the choice we make when we are put in a circumstance that is uncomfortable. I have a wonderful life right now. It's not ideal, but when I look at it, I can't say that it's a life that I don't want. Even with the struggles.

For one thing, I have an amazing, loving boyfriend who treats me with respect. That's important because without respect, love can not flourish. He has some amazing friends and he makes me happy and he is who he is.

I can't help but smile when he's around.

The other great things in my life is that I have two wonderful parents that love me unconditionally and wants the best for my life. It's their selfless hearts that keep me grounded. My parents are encouraging me in ways that I may not understand in their wisdom, but I know it's their love that motivates them.

My sisters are great. Probably the best female friends I can have. They do their best to be there for me even though we may not always get along.

Then there are my friends. Who could ask for anything more. They are the pals that will go on a late night junk food run. That's what good friends are for. They listen to you lament on the harsh comings of the world and bring you to reality. They are your honest critics and they do it out of love.

Life is not what you do, but who you live it with.

Miss Mae

My Perfect Day

2009-09-28T10:50:00.000-07:00

So this past week was difficult. Part of it was because I was in a bad mood because of some family issues and being a woman who was about to get her periods soon, I was on edge. I was upset on Friday because my boyfriend was tired to go on a date. To make things worst, my friends were busy to hang that night. I spent my first Friday in a long time, at home working on non important stuff. Saturday came and I got my periods. I also ended up doing my first volunteer shift for the tv station. It was neat to be able to be part of something again. After that I ended up being dragged to a cultural event that was four hours long and 75$ per ticket. It wasn't bad, but it was long and I got to see my close friend perform and another friend from school.

Sunday however was a very perfect wonderful day. It's the kind of days worth writing about. I woke up feeling crappy because I got home late from that cultural event. I was tired but I decided I would catch a ride to church with my parents. I took a quick shower only to come out to an empty house. It's not bad though because I decided to take a personal hour and listen to what God had to say for that week. I listened to last week's sermon on the web and realized that church is not the same when you're at home listening to the web cast. However it made me think and renewed my spirit a bit.

My boyfriend picked me up and we went to Dim sum. It was so cute watching him use the chopsticks. He makes me laugh, because he's so adorable. So we had Dim Sum and then we decided to walk around Prince's Island Park. It was a perfect Autumn day that wasn't to cold, and not too hot. It was nice. We decided to get some buns for snacky but we couldn't find a bakery. It took us a while to find a good bakery and then we bought some buns and headed to the park. It was like being with my best friend. Nothing needed to be said and nothing needed to be done. It was revisiting the past that has never happened and it's one of those times that was really, really peaceful.

It was perfect as we sat by the river taking pictures and just enjoying each others company. I don't think I wanted the moment to end. We talked but mostly we just enjoyed the gift of the day. Later on we headed to get tea and cupcakes at my favourite places in Kensington. It was nice because now I'm drinking my favourite vanilla coconut white tea today.

After our stop in Kensington, we decided to return to his place. Out side of his home is a beautiful little pond. We wanted to have a picnic outside and just enjoy each other. But we found ourselves just enjoying the moment. After that, we took a ride to nose hill and watched the sun set.

It was my perfect day with the man I love.

2009-07-04T13:07:00.000-07:00

It's a perfect day, a day after a perfect night :D Yesterday I went on a date with my wonderful boyfriend and I couldn't have been better. This week we haven't seen much of each other because of our schedules and when we did see each other we were with family. But yesterday my wonderful honey and I had a home made dinner and watched movies in my room.

This is the man I've been wanting to spend my life time with. Everyday I find myself falling more and more in love with him. He makes me feel like falling in love is not much like falling at all. He's the kind of guy that so many girls are looking for, he's smart, funny, handsome, and he really knows how to treat me well. He's an optimist.

Being with him makes the time worth going through. He puts a smile to my face and I love him.

Miss Mae

This is today

2009-06-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

So I'm cleaning up some of my old files on my computer. It feels good to sort through and realise that you are finally letting go :D I put the pictures of my ex into the bin called garbage hehe, that space on the computer is better used for making happier memories.

I've moved on :) and while I was reading some of the previous stuff I've saved from the relationship, I realize that I am a lot better without him! It was pity, the whole relationship was pity. I felt sorry for him because of his screwed up pass, but it's not my problem and I will never have to deal with picking up the pieces from him.

Instead I have so much more to look forward. I'm graduating in a few months and I have a man who treats me right. He actually will be the owner of a town house in a month and he's not some guy who claims big things but still lives in the basement of a rented home with his roomie.

Sure my guy isn't perfect but the fact is nobody is. The thing about him though is that he makes me smile, and wants to spend time with me. He has friends that do more than just give their life to the bottle and to me that is important.

So what else have I've been up to? Well, I'm making room to live a more simply life starting by organizing my computer files. It feels good just to realise that my life is starting once again and it's filled with love, peace and happiness.

Signing out,
Miss Mae XOXOXOX

Weekend with the Honey

2009-06-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I have to say this tops off my wonderful weekends in the summer. I just spent the past few days meeting my honey's family and I have to say it was a great experience. I hope to see more of them in the future.

My honey has really made me happy the past four months and I am continually amazed by who he is. I'm falling more and more in love but it doesn't even feel like falling. This guy I want to see in my life for the next couple of decades.

He is someone special to me and I love him.

I love him.

There are so many emotions, and words that I want to describe him but the ones that fit best is that I love him with all my heart.

He puts a smile to my face and I want to share my life with him.

That's all I have to say.

LOVE MISS MAE

Cleaning up

2009-06-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

So, I've made the decision, to clean up my files, clean up my life and get rid of this negative energy surrounded by the details of my ex. I'm no longer having his friends on my facebook page, nor do I care any more if he's dating another girl. Ironically when you loved somebody so intensely you eventually hate that person with the same intensity. I'm guessing that 30 years down the road I will look back at all the mistakes I've made and laugh.

I'm 27 but I don't feel that I've had the life experience that a 27 year old ought to have. Strangely enough. I'm not perfect where my life is right now but at the same time even with the puddle of mass confusion that dictates the movement and flow of my life, I'm not as screwed up as some people. I could be worst.

I woke up this morning almost wondering if I should be taking the 500 drama course and asking for wisdom from my mother, I was throughly discouraged. It's like she doesn't see me for what I could be, but she sees me as a let down. She said that I haven't worked in years. When I thought about it I reminded her that I did have a job in my winter semester and she said how come I still asked her for money. The problem is that University isn't cheap. And as much as I would have liked it, the amount of money my part-time job provides doesn't give me enough to live on. In fact a lot of the finance dispose I find myself in hasn't been to my own doing. If I hadn't gone to University like my parents wanted me to go to, and if I didn't put my money in the house, my life would have turned out differently.

Here I find it ironic that my parents are blaming me for not having the funds when they are the ones who told me I had to go into this and that. What I find ironic is that if I listened to what Miss Mae wanted, I would have been much more happier.

I'm tired of people telling me how to live my life. It's my fault too because I'm too damn scared to go out and listen to my heart. Instead I ask for others to make my life decisions because I refuse to take the blame if my life screws up. But what if it doesn't? What if the choices I make will lead me to the life I've always wanted to live?

Maybe it's time to not ask for advice and to make my own destiny.

Maybe it's time to not only free myself from ghost of the past but to live in the here and now.
It's time...

Miss Mae

Wanting something

2009-06-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

Call it anger. Call it wanting justice. I don't know. I hate my ex boyfriend Justin Fucking Scott Smith and wish that justice would be serve. He hurt me so bad. I think part of the reason is that he didn't even have the nerves to contact me in person. I want bloody revenge. I want to almost put a hex on him. Some how I know I will never get closure from him. He will continue hurting me.
So it's time to really let go. Let go of this shit because it's not fair for me and not fair for my wonderful life.

Miss Mae

Saturday

2009-06-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

I want to write this down, but at the same time the emotions I feel is consuming me and I wonder if this is the right place to write it. What if someone actually read's this? I mean not that I care about if strangers read this, but what if the people I know read this. Then what?

So it's 1 day before my four months of being in my relationship with C but at the same time, I wonder why I'm a bit scared. Could it be that I am meeting my boyfriends parents for the first time on Monday and I'm going to try to impress them with my baking? Or could it be the fact that despite the fact that I have a loving wonderful man who has pleased me in many ways, I am still jaded by my ex's behaviour. I want closure but some how I know I can't get it from him. After all he himself hasn't dealt with a lot of issues. I would never want to go back to him but at the same time I just want him to understand the hurt he caused me. It has constantly made me wonder why he would do something like that when I didn't do anything wrong to hurt him. Ok maybe I don't want him to just understand, I want him to feel how it feels to be dumped by Facebook before the fact the person finds out through that awful e-mail.

Is he really that cold and calous? I wonder about that. I wonder if he's really that fucked up. There was a time I would do anything for him. I really loved him but that love has turned into hate some days. I even wanted to do something bad to him, but then it's not my place because I know Karma will get him back. As much as I wanted to harm him, I won't. He doesn't deserve anyone. Mom says I should pray for peace and pray for him. I'm trying to. But there are days when I think to myself why does he deserve mercy. I wish I could just erase him from my mind. There is a reason why he's my ex even if I don't want to admit it. I wouldn't be happy with him, but doesn't mean I don't want closure.

I love my current boyfriend, even if he's super goofy at times. He's everything I wanted in a guy. He makes me smile, laugh, protects me, pleases me and he loves me to no ends. But at the same time I wonder when he will get tired and leave me. I don't know if you can trust men fully. They are fickle. I just don't want to see myself get hurt again. I'm guarded and jaded as our four months approach. I know though if we can make it to six months I will be happy because then I know that it can possible go beyond that.

C is not perfect, but he fits me well. He's a ball of happy sunshine and for that I am grateful. So today I have to get some stuff done. Hopefully I can pull it all off. Life is not perfect but somehow I am trying to understand it is what it is for a reason.

Love is not perfect, but it' s a committment to the other person when the feelings of lust leave and all you are left with is a spoonful of honesty.

Mae.

Dreams? Do they mean anything.

2009-06-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

Last night, I went out with my best friends. It was good just hanging out with the boys. I got to discuss my fears on what the hell I'm doing with my life. I am not sure I want to do this acting thing, but writing is definitely something I wish to pursue. You ever wish you could change part of your life because you feel that there is something missing? I was talking to Kev on our drive home. I asked him if I talk about my ex to much. It just seems that I want some kind of closure and I'm not sure how to get it. In some ways I know Karma is going to deal with that, he might get sick and feel physical pain for the emotional pain he caused me, but this I will never know. I read and watched stories of how other girls revenged their ex. I don't really want revenge...well on some level but I would never really try to act on it. What I want is closure.
Karma has been very good to me. I have a new guy who loves me but part of me is cynical and jaded on the fact that, I wonder and question his love for me. Sounds stupid. I know. He loves me more than words can say. I can't shake the feeling to not to trust guys. You don't go near a stove if you've been burn once. You tend to be more cautious when approaching the fire. The thing is, I do love my boyfriend. Then again I did love my ex. But love for guys aren't guarantee, I just wish I could have some scientific experiment to get to the root of it all and find out if the guy really does love me. Not that I'm questioning my boyfriends devotion to me, but sometimes I wonder. Like when he lost the ring I bought for him. I'm a student and the current situation I find myself in, I'm not loaded with cash. I went out my way to buy him this ring and thought of him and he loses it. Yet he can't seem to find it. Or forgets to check for it. If it was something he gave me, I would go and look for it. At the same time, I realize that he might not find material things as important or sentimental so I understand and I can't really get mad at him for a ring.
I guess, I'm not sure why I'm upset. Maybe I'm questioning the whole idea of being in a relationship because sometimes I wonder and fear if I will get hurt again. I can't bring myself to that much pain. It hurts way to much to have your heart broken and it never fully recovers. Sure over time you forget about it, but when you love someone who hurts you, your heart is afraid to love again.
Part of me wonders if I'm good enough. What's a smart, attractive girl doing getting her heart broken. Lucky in life but am I also lucky in love?
The dream I had was of my ex. It was strange because it was the second time that I dreamed of him since we broke up. Each time he was telling me that he really cared for me, and in my dreams I told him I do love him but I'm with another person and it wouldn't work out. I tend to wonder about dreams, what is my subconscious telling me?
That's why I am taking a psychology class because I need to figure out things about myself. I'm not perfect, I never said I was. It seems I'm further away from who I want to be these past few months that ever.
Everyone I know is now engaged, or married and I am cool with that. Part of me wants to find my happily ever after, but what does it mean?
Mom says I wouldn't be happy as a single gal for the rest of her life. I asked her why she would think that. She says it's because I want a family to much. But I'm sure that there is other ways a women can build the family.
As a modern day women we have so many choices. Career wise, love wise, creating a baby wise. Men have some what been eliminated from the equation, but at the same time I wonder if we are all just un happy spinsters.

Writing gives me this outlet to express myself. Words are so refreshing. I doubt anyone really reads this except for me. Maybe when I become somebody, only then do people really want to prive into your private life. When you're just another face, you're much freer. You're not constantly being critized.

If I could some up where I want to be in 5 years, I would say this, I want to be happy with who I am and right now I just need to find out who that is.

Love always Mae

In the end it will be okay...if it's not okay, it's not the end.

2009-06-15T13:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is how it is. So I got up around 6:30am trying to finish my essay. I didn't mean to leave it to the last possible minute but sometimes you just end up doing just that. As I write this, I realize that my name instead of my professors name is on the file I put into the drop box...ah well I will write him an e-mail and hopefully someone will be smart enough to figure it out. If not well I just screwed over graduation.
Anyway so I don't have much to say about today. Most of my brain cells were used to figure out the details of my essay as well as my other ass ignments that were due today. I will be glad when I am done being a student. Although then I'm in the working force I might be saying other wise.

This weekend, I spent with my boyfriend. He is amazing. He is amazingly wonderful. Although sometimes we got on each other's nerves but it doesn't matter because I love him. Ironically though, I thought about my ex. Not in a loving way, just in a way I was trying to understand why guys like that still exist. I mean it would be better if he didn't. Then again, he is the reason I found my love. So in a strange way the guy that hurt me brought me to the guy that loves me. Strange but true.

I have to write my script soon. I just am in a tired mood from this morning. Half the stuff I say today is probably crap and should be ignored till I return again to write something worth reading.

Love alway Mae.

Late, but not really

2009-06-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had those days when you were sure you checked the schedule and it said you had class that day. You get up early when you want to sleep in and you rush to finish off the assignment that was due that morning only to be delayed and finding yourself close to being late. You rush out the door and boom drive your car at 65km in a residential area and almost get a ticket by the cop waiting to catch speeders.
Luckily you hit your breaks before that happens, you pay for the parking complaining that the price is way to much as your cost of tutition is over the top already but you pay it anyway. Park and run off to class only to find the doors shut and when you knock on the door no one answers. You get yourself motivated and walk up the stairs to see a poster advertising your class, the one that only has lessons on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This being Tuesday, you're not late...you're just an idiot.

Ahh so that is how I started my Tuesday morning.

So why didn't I get up early to check my class schedule? Well I have a good reason for that. It's because my amazing boyfriend Yummibear had visited me the night before. After two weeks of being gone to Ottawa, Montreal, and Quebec City, we were overly missing each other. We didn't write constantly through e-mail, since I didn't have access to e-mail every day. Nor did we spend hours chatting to each other since I didn't want to pay long distant fees, besides when one goes on vacation, it's to get away from technology and relax.

So while on vacation, my 27th birthday arrived and I didn't spend it with my Yummibear, although I'm sure that he would have made it the most romantic day since he is a really sentimental and romantic kind of guy. This being said, the two weeks were brutal without him and I missed him a lot. I had a great time with my sisters, but I missed that sweet embraced from my fellow.

Anyway, he arrived at 6:30ish at my house yesterday. I wasn't expecting anything, just him. I wasn't worried that he took a while but I wanted him to come. He arrived at my house with a dozen roses and chocolates. Who said guys aren't romantic these days haven't met my man. Four of the roses were white and he told me he specifically picked them out for their significance. This makes the roses a lot more special then just buying a dozen roses at the local Safeway. He had ordered them just for me. He said the four white roses represented the purity of his love for me in our relationship, why four though?
Well 4 is amount of months we've been together or will be by the end of 21st day this month :D The number in total is 12 to represent the 12 months in a calendar a month to make up another year of my life. Now that's romantic.

He bought me 3 of each chocolates, mint, peanut butter, and almond. He picked them out too :) and then he took me out for wings and let me order brie and mangos and wings, my favourites of course. After dinner we tried to find a romantic spot on nose hill to watch the sunset but no such luck. Apparently it was doggy walking time : and the hills were filled. So we ended up driving out of the city to watch the sun set and embrace each others company. Romantic. Later we spent time cuddling and just loving on each other. My boyfriend is hot. He was working out while I was gone and it showed. I on the other hand decided to eat the food of the French pastery and am now sworn to myself to work it off.

We spent time into the late night and I finally had to let him go home. He had work the next day and I had class. Everytime I'm with him, I want him to stay with me because I love him more and more.

So now I'm thinking about him and I'm missing him like crazy. We get to see each other again tonight when I introduce him to my guy friends. I hope it goes well :) We have our evenings booked this week and I'm excited to see him tonight.

Love always
Miss Mae

He's really into me :D

2009-06-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

So one of my class requirements is that we write, that is we write everyday. The more you write the more you get out of your writing muscle. I guess the last time I wrote was about my evil ex-boyfriend aka Justin Smith or nexxia as he is well known on the internet world. But when I look back at his sad little life, he is really one sad lonely boy who has mother issues and until they are resolved he will never beable to move on to a mature relationship. I pity the guy, he sucked in bed and he's has a mental illness that he is not attending to so really it was the best blessing a girl can ask for. Karma, prayer, blessings.

Anyway that's the last you'll here of him on this blog. So what is life like for Mae? Well they say if you treat the world as an opportunity where only good things can happen and you look at life with being half full then half empty, you will begin to see the world with a clearer vision. You will begin to see things the way they should be no matter what your given circumstance is. I believe in spreading good toward others. Do no evil to others and good karma will eventually fall upon you. Do evil to others and have bad fall upon you. Balance. :D

So I guess the best is to update you of the amazing blessings happening in my life. Well for starters, yes, Miss Mae is no longer on the market. Sometimes you meet a man that is actually that into you and suddenly you wonder why did you waste your life on so many frogs who weren't actually that into you :)

I was away for two weeks on a well deserved vacation from work and school. And while my sisters talked at a hip bar and lounge in Montreal called Albi, be it their opening night, while drinking the Alabama slam, each of us took turns reminissing and reflecting about our own lives. Later that night while laying in bed at the hotel, I thought to myself, "I'm really happy with the life I have. It may not be perfect but it's still my life and I'm going to live it."

I am also happy with the guy I'm with. He's my big teddy bear. Although he may not be my life, he's a big part of it right now. He has made me really happy these past few months and I really appreciate and love him because he loves me for me. It's the little things that he does to make me smile, like bring me gingerale when I was sick, or buying me flowers for my show just because he cares and wants to make me smile. How he asks how I am doing and how he makes me laugh.
When I was away the past few weeks, I felt okay being away from him, knowing that when I came home he would be there falling more and more in love with me and that is the best feeling. To be loved by someone who really loves you for you. Even when you are sick and wearing pink flannel pj's he still comes over and tells you how amazingly beautiful you are and means it. It's when he tells me he love's me and sees me in his future, that I know in my heart that I love him deeply.

There is something to be said about love. It starts beautifully and gracefully and still takes you by surprise. My hope is that three times a charm and that he is the one that I will gracefully spend my years growing old with.

But as I said, he's a big part of my life and not my whole life. In a few months I will have completed my BFA in drama. This goal has been on my list since I started touring and the reality will soon be the walking of the stage in Novemeber of 2009. Here at 27, I've travelled Canada, USA, Cambodia, South Africa, I earned a diploma in Photojournalism, won a few awards for my skills, and have a loving boyfriend, friends and family and now I will have a degree. Life is good. But I know it all can be taken away so I'm not taking it for granted. The biggest and greatest thing in my life is that Jesus is still with me. I may not have lived the perfect Christian life, I've made a few big mistakes, but if tomorrow if my world falls a part, the greatest thing that defines and holds me together is still that I have the greatest thing in the world, a God who loves me and created me for his purpose :)

As for the future, I don't know what will happen, but for the good or the bad, it is my life and I'm going to live it with all the strenght, energy and passion one can live a life for :)

signing off,
Miss Mae

Text message break up lol

2009-01-31T21:05:00.000-08:00

Ok so this was funny. I had posted a forum to get some answers about my break up. One guy posted this ULR. It was funny.

Yes this is for the guys who don't do a face to face break up lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcidD2HFK8M#
Plus Margret Cho is on it.

How Mae Got her groove back!

2009-01-28T15:24:00.001-08:00

So I was talking to my new friends, but more so this morning, I woke up an realized that I got over him. I can't even remember details of our past relationship and I am worried this is an effect of my memory or that time has done what it needed to, to help me move on.

I honestly can't remember the details of his face unless I look at his picture and focus, but he seemed to have vanish from my memory. Like a ghost, or a presence that some how I knew once existed but is no longer real.

The crazy thing is, I'm finally past the anger, and I've accept that what has happened to me has happened but I've taken from it what I needed to. I've added to my life experience which is great for acting. I don't even cry anymore. I use to remember the past few weeks crying when I got home, crying when I woke up and thinking I'll never get through this, that I miss him so much, but now I get up facing the day with abundance. I feel happy again. I look forward to Monday's because my cardio class that has been a great part of giving me back my power is on Monday's and I'm having a ton of fun with it. I even bought some killer shoes, and my body is shaping up and looking amazing :)

The only sad thing is, I can't remember the feelings, I don't hate, I don't love, it's almost strange in the sense because I got nothing. I remember facts but the emotional connection is gone. I see his picture but it does nothing for me. No emotions. At least when I look at my other memories of people in my lives, I am filled with emotion, stories, a past. So I am worried if I really did cast a spell on myself to forget or if that was a dream in which I cast a spell and now it has leaked into my life.

Either case I still remember what I've learned, I know I am a passionate kisser, I know that I am a pretty amazing girl, and that I give a good massage. I know results, but when it comes to my emotions toward Justin, I can't recall. I guess this means I really did get over him or that I'm crazy lol :)

Still wishing on shooting stars

2009-01-19T19:02:00.000-08:00

How I am feeling:
It's been 3 weeks since my heartache started. Talking it over with others from a better view has helped a lot. As much as I cared, I realize that he wasn't the one for me. Broken up through e-mail is like getting a slap in the face, but it made me realize that I want someone who is not an asshole in times when he is under-stress, but a gentleman and gentlemen would have the honour to confront a lady and tell it to her gently. If the relationship was going bad, I understand why it would have been an e-mail. But no fights, nothing, I wasn't even bitchy. I tried to make sense of this on my part, but talking with other people, they have and now I have to finally admit it that it was his problems, his selfishness and his immaturity.

How I felt about the relationship:
To my friends so you know what I felt, I thought I was really in love with this guy, and I let it get my better judgement. They don't call it blinded by love for nothing. I trusted him fully, I gave him what he asked for and in some way I gave up a part of me because at the time my focus was on a promise that I would not be the one to hurt him. I forgot about me, the person I worked so hard to become, what she stood for, what she fought for, who she was through her values and core decisions. I became co-dependent, making excuses for things that no person should ever stand for. If a guy yells and gives you the silent treatment for two days, that is still abuse even if it's not physical. It's call emotional abuse and that should never be tolerated. Emotional abuse is equally bad. Instead of having a man who would protect me, I had a guy who would emotionally let me down. I never cheated, I never lied, I never treated him badly. I didn't deserve the treatment I got.

Moving on:
So what have I done now to help me get past this? Well I've realize any guy who yells at me and treats me like that, I will not make excuses for them. I am taking Cardio Spice, and Latin dance classes and this has helped me take back some of my power. I am also taking guitar lessons and I have a show to work on for the Spring. I have a job and school, and I feel that I'm holding on and using the tools learned from therapy. It's help a lot.

I will survive this. I will be okay. Life will go on. I will still wait for my wish to come true.

I hate the fact that he still has power over me

2009-01-18T12:36:00.000-08:00

I can't stop thinking about him...even though he is the biggest asshole to grace this planet. Why do smart girls like me, end up falling for assholes. I want to rebound. Apparently that's exactly what he is doing. Which makes no sense since if he says he was too busy and yet there he goes looking for a new relationship, just in time for Valentines day?

Maybe I should have treated him like shit. Maybe then he would have treated me better. But he probably would have used me the same.

I deserve better. I deserve to be treated with respect. I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I want to get my power back. I almost want to hex him. But I'm not into that stuff anymore. Besides bad karma.

So what do I do?

Miss Mae

http://breakupemail.com/dump.php

2009-01-17T22:01:00.000-08:00

Found this website. http://breakupemail.com/dump.php you just click on things and it writes a letter for you. Should have done this to him before he did it to me!

Dear Justin,
I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. Do you realize that you're a total loser? I can't believe how selfish you are. Relationships are supposed to be about sharing, jerk. Your arrogance seems to have no limits; it's as if you think you're actually somebody. I know you'll probably tell everyone that you dumped me, because you're a liar. But everyone knows that already, so they won't believe you. I called the nursery school program, and they agreed to let you in after they assessed your maturity level. It might be hard for you to believe, but one thing I can tell you for sure: you really need to work on your skills in bed. I mean, you're just plain bad at sex. You know, a little respect can go a long way. But the amount of respect you give me is only enough for ME to go a long way. A long way away from you, douchebag. Maybe part of the problem is that you drink so much. You can't actually call gin-flakes or beerios breakfast. Doing drugs so much really got in the way of more important things. You need to clean yourself up. Frankly, you just don't care enough about me. Luckily I care enough about me to make up for it, by saying goodbye to you. The fact that you forgot our anniversary just confirms that it's time for "we" to become "me." Here's some food for thought: you're an asshole! It's not easy to carry on a successful relationship with someone like you. And by that, I mean someone who is downright stupid, you feebleminded dimwit.
And as if that wasn't enough, you have to criticize me all the time! Now it's my turn to be the critic. I give you one thumb up: stick it up your ass! At first I couldn't understand what smelled so bad when I spent time with you, but now it's clear: you're spoiled like a piece of meat left out in the sun. You don't live in a soap opera, so quit causing so much drama. I'm not a puppet, you can't just control me by pulling on a string, so why do you try to control everything I do? I need my freedom, and there's nothing you can do about it. Another problem is that you're irresponsible, and I just don't want to put up with the consequences of your decisions anymore. What really breaks the deal is your horrible grammar. Srsly d00d, learn 2 rite a sentance!
Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. Why are you so boring? I've seen rocks that are more interesting than you. I never want to see you again, jerkface! Stay away from me or I'll beat you with a frozen salmon. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.
Sincerely,

I miss you and I hate the fact that I do.

2009-01-14T20:47:00.001-08:00

I hate the fact that I am generally missing you. I miss your sarcastic humor, the fact that I found your facial expressions so funny when you didn't like the taste of certain foods. I hate the fact that I still care about you and still think about you and wish you were here with me and all the while knowing you don't care what I am doing. I hate the fact that "we" will never be anymore. That my friends and family tell me that you're not that good for me, that I could do better. I know that. Except, I miss you and I wish you didn't go breaking my heart. I know that you're an asshole, but somehow, a part of me is still believing that you're not. That you're scared of who you could be, that you and I could be, but you're afraid that maybe you don't deserve anything good.

I hate the fact that today, I found something funny, and I wanted to share it with you but remember you don't love me and that you're not there. I hate the fact that while you are probably going on with your life and have forgotten me, I am hoping that you still care.

I want to erase my memories of you. You hurt me, you're still hurting me. I am still hurting me by remembering you. I miss how you hold me and told me that you never wanted to share me with anyone, that I was someone special to you. That you saw a future with me. That I felt safe when I was just held in your arms.

I hate the fact that I hate you for doing this to me....
and I wish things were different....
That love didn't hurt this much....
Love really hurts...
I wish I never fell in love.

It's Been Two weeks

2009-01-11T16:38:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow, actually, will be the two week mark when I had my heart broken. I've been crying a lot. Grieving has been a big part of this journey. I know it hurts those around me to see me in such a state, and it doesn't do me any good to be so down right depress. I sleep a lot, but if it wasn't for school last week, I would have slept the week away. On Friday, I tried to pull myself together. What is worst is that I keep seeing pictures of him being happy and about from picture albums from his friends who are still on my facebook. It hurts me to see he's moved on so suddenly because it makes me wonder if he really did care. The lines are often blurred when you are dealing with someone very unpredictable.

But I move on...

You have to, if you want to have any sort of life. You get up and try to live your life with all the hope and strength you have to muster. It's hard. So Friday, I did just that. I spent Friday, all day pulling myself together. I spent Friday making the red puffy eyes into elegant beautiful ones that were ready to face the world. I took a shower. Not that I haven't been showering, but I took a nice long one and really exfoliated the skin on my legs, belly, arms etc. Then I put on the beautiful dress, the one that I had bought for New Year's Eve, the one that I was going to surprise my now ex-boyfriend with.

I was suppose to go to my friend's Adam's party, but I waited for my best friend to get done his supper with his friends to come and join me. It was good because I really didn't want to be alone. I needed my close friends to lift me up. So I went to Adam's party with my best friend, except we didn't stay long because I was so hurt when everyone kept on asking me if I was okay. I couldn't compose myself and ended up crying and so I knew I had to leave. So my friend, God bless him, took me to the clubs and we ended up having a amazing time. The Dj that I spoke to on the radio ended up sharing a shot with me. And life was happy for that moment. I got some pictures and I wish I could say that one night eliminated the pain of a broken heart, but it didn't. Broken hearts take a long time to heal. Especially ones that have no explainations as to why they became broken in the first place. But as the story goes, pain today, gain tomorrow. Lessons learned about giving your heart away so easily.

I did heal a bit with the fact that I looked fab, and wonderfully amazing that night and well I've been getting compliments from a lot of people on how great I look. This too is part of the healing process, because when you get rejected sometimes your self-esteem takes a beating. So for now, week two, heading into week three, the healing is happening, slowly, but amazingly wonderful.

Peace out.
Miss Mae

Another song to keep me going :(

2009-01-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

God Bless the Broken road :(
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

Listening to the Radio :)

2009-01-07T20:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't heard this song in such a while but when I was driving today and starting to miss Justin, this song took on a second life for me. I liked it for the tune, but now I understand the lyrics through experience.

Get Over You - Chris Daughtry

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Still Hurt?

2009-01-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

What can I say, this has been a rollercoaster of a week. I can't concentrate because well when you have a break up you have to learn to grieve. Except my heart has being going through hell and back.

There are days when I just want to yell at him, telling him the words of YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!! but then there are days that I feel sorry for him and would take him back if he asked. The problem is that I know he is sick and he's not doing anything about it. He hurt me and I can't do anything about it. It's effecting my sleep, my day time...

I am taking classes right now, but that doesn't help a lot, because I am a bit bored in them. They're good in a way because they help me forget about the heartache and pain. But then I forget that we broke up and think, "wow, Justin should hear about this" then I ever so kindly reminded...oh yeah...right.

I know I was way better for him, but why didn't I see that before? Was I too in a rush? Was I blinded by his smile? I don't know. Maybe he's the first guy that I could be my goofy self without them thinking man I should ditch this girl. Of course he just wanted to use me for my body. I guess that in a way could be positive. Guys find me hot. But I want a guy who finds more attraction than my body. I want a guy who finds my soul wonderful. Who laughs with me at my silliness and takes life on through eyes of an optimist....

And maybe that's the point as to why I thought Justin was a good match. Because when I met him, I felt he could take on the world. That he was truely and optimist that saw better things in the clouds ahead. But that only lasts for the cycle he's in. He became cruel when he would lash out at me for no reason other than a trigger in his chemical make up. He became obsessive with work and had little time for me. He would drink a lot. He would talk about other girls and just objectifiy the female species into boobs and asses. Of course when I asked him, what was his favourite thing, it was strange...he liked girls hair the best. He hated mushrooms, except the drug kinds...should have taken the hint that maybe he was still doing drugs. He was skinny as heck, his bones could be seen on his back. He had smokers teeth, you could tell the enamel was eatten through. But despite this, I was blinded by his ability to charm me telling me he really did care.

This was us at halloween. I did his make up but really, I didn't have a lot to do.

Miss Mae

My Bi-polar ex boyfriend

2009-01-05T22:20:00.000-08:00

So it's been a week since Justin broke up with me. I am a little hurt because I did see a future with him. But I know it's really for the best since he has had a track record that doesn't speak too well. Part of the reason he is the way he is, is due to his illness. He has Bi-polar 2 and it has affected our relationship to the point where he either through selfish reasons, or unselfish ones, has ended our relationship. Looking back, with his former drug use, and continual drinking, it made it really hard to be in that sort of relationship. He was verbally abusive sometimes and felt some days that I was walking on egg shells because I never knew what would trigger a sudden mood swing. I care about him a lot still, and I hope for the best that he doesn't end up hurting himself because he's under a lot of stress. Even though he was an asshole on the way he broke up, I fell in love with this passionate guy who did at one point love me and was so wonderful to me. Since I am not in his life anymore, I just pray that someone watches over him and that he doesn't end up killing himself because he gets in really dark phase before. That worries me because although he has friends, they are heavy drinkers and it pulls him along. If he knows he's bi-polar 2 he should stay away from drinking, and drugs because it will mess him up.
I don't know what to do except pray.

Lord, I haven't been the best Christian, and I know Justin isn't one, but I ask you to please help him straighten his life out. Despite the hurt he has given me, I ask that you clean my heart and body and soul and from your loving grace, forgive and heal both of us. Help me find forgiveness, and mercy on myself and let me surrender my past to you because I already know you have forgiven me. My prayer for him is that he see's his wrongs and that you would intervene in his life and call him to your ways and through this, I know that he can be healed of his illness. Just like you called my daddy to your ways, and have helped my sister too and changed my family, I ask that you do whatever you need to do to bring Justin to you. I pray that you will heal him.

In your name, I pray.

Miss Mae

Kissing Frogs

2009-01-02T13:50:00.000-08:00

I usually have reflections this time of year. Thoughts about the past and thoughts toward the future. This time around I've especially needed time to reflect. Most of you are probably wondering by now, if you saw my depressing statuses, what I've been through. So I might as well purge and explain my heart ache.

About four months ago, I thought I met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He was funny, he was cute, and he was into the same things I was into, he really did make me happy. However there was one big difference between us, no it wasn't race, I've dated guys from different cultures and backgrounds before, but the one difference that made the difference was that is he is Bi-polar 2 and I wasn't. I thought I was at times in my life but therapy cleared that one up for me :) Seeing that I am pretty much easy going and loving person, I thought I can handle this. Things were great for the first few months. He showed up on time, he payed for dates, he even was eager to meet my parents. He introduced me to his wonderful funny, and amazing friends and family. He would talk to me about the future, even asking me to move in with him. He wanted children, he wanted a family, he was accepting of gays and lesbians, he seemed like a perfect guy. He told me things that every girl wants to hear. He told me that he would never let me go and that I would probably be the one to break his heart. He told me lies. And foolish and romantic enough as I am, I believed him. He even told me he loved me and felt that up until then he would never find another woman who he could see a future with. Everything seemed great...that was until he got back from Mexico about a month ago.

I was thrilled to see him come home. I missed him so much. He said he had a surprise for me and if anyone knows me, knows that I'm usually the one to solve it out. When I told him my guess after much thought, I told him that I figured the surprise out and we we're going to the carosol at Chinook. He blew up. He was angry. I thought this was strange behavior, but I kept my cool. In a way I felt his anger was all my fault for upsetting him and I felt bad. He ignored me for a few days and I was heart broken. I was sure it was over but then he called me on the day we were to go out and said that we we're still going. I was happy and when he came to pick me up I was just happy to be with him. It was like the fight never happened. So things were going fine. He would be grumpy from work because he works hard, or doesn't know how to divide up work so that he doesn't have to work hard but either way it was causing him stress. From what I learned about Bi-polar 2 is that stress is a trigger for mood instability, but I didn't think it could happen to him, after all he was the guy I loved and he loved me, he wouldn't hurt me right? He was after all on his natural medication right?

Forward closer to Christmas, a week before. He calls me over. I come over to watch a movie. When I get there he is busy working. I try to give him a hug he pulls away and says he's not in the mood. He hasn't seen me for almost a week by then. I sit by his side while he works for a few hours. Then we go watch a movie and everything seems fine. I enjoy that he is spending time with me and he seems like the guy I met before all of his work stress. Later on that week we talk on msn and he starts to pick on me and is saying how he feels he's always correcting me. I ignore it or try to explain myself to him that is just who I am, I am strange and he doesn't need to correct me. Nothing came of that so I thought things were hunki dory.

Okay so he becomes to busy during the week, until I call him up Sunday. By this time he has gotten sick with the cold and being the person I am, I make him chicken noodle soup meal, bring it to his house, do his room mates dishes, and make him tea. I wanted him to feel better and I was loving him the best way I knew how, by caring for him. He was suppose to have a conference call earlier but the call was moved to later time when I visited him. I end up sitting by myself. He goes upstairs by the door in his pj's because he needs reception. After a while I get worried because his cold might get worst because he sitting to a colder area so I try to go into his room to get his jacket to keep him warm. He doesn't even care but yells at me because he thinks I am going to spoil my Christmas gift. I eventually end up leaving just as he finishes his call because I had to leave to see a movie with my sisters. I kiss him goodbye and he said he would call. No call. Finally by Christmas eve, he does call but I'm busy in the kitchen so I didn't get his call. I call him back when I do and he speaks 3 sentences, one to tell me he is busy playing games, two to tell me that I should call him tomorrow and three says good bye. Christmas day, I arrive at his house, hoping to spend sometime with him but he rushes us off to his mom's house where I spend Christmas day with his family. His family is amazing. I love them, so friendly and warm people. We we're so happy that day. He bought me an expensive tripod for Christmas and I was like "Hunny, we should go take some photos together." I was happy. Then we went to my family's dessert where he met my wonderful family. After that he drove me back to his place so I can get my car so I could go home. Yes I had to drive to his place sometimes. I didn't mind but I see my mistake now. Boxing day came and he showed up early for our boxing day dinner at my house with my friends. He was laughing and enjoying himself as well. He was still sick so I made him tea, we joked a bit to. Nothing seemed wrong and I was happy. I went out during the weekend and was busy spending time with my friends. He e-mailed me to help my friend out with her computer problem but nothing besides business talk. I figured he was busy. I texted him and facebooked him on Monday to see if he wanted to go for wings. I ended up calling him when the 6'o clock mark came to see if he was okay because I knew he was sick and I wanted to check up on him. I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him and that I cared. He answered with "I Don't Want to go for Chicken wings!!! I would have called you if I would have gone!!!" I didn't even get to say hello. I was surprised at the yelling but I also knew sometimes when he is upset, that is what he does. So I said, I wasn't calling about that, I wanted to see how you were. "well I'm having a bad day" I'm sorry...I don't know what to say...then he hangs up...click. Of course I was hurt. So I put my facebook status to being hurt. You don't take your anger out on your girlfriend ever or anyone else for that matter, especially if they don't have anything to do with the situation.

Okay so I thought, well that's just him having a bad day as usual. Right? So New Year's Eve will be the same old Justin Smith that he was...wrong. I came home Tuesday night after hanging out with friends to find that he had deleted and blocked me from facebook. I was shocked and hurt. I didn't even know what to do. I finally checked my e-mail only to find an e-mail telling me that he was stressed and that he can't handle a relationship and he admitted that he is an asshole.

"Lately, I've been so busy with work and trying to get myself better that I've had even less time than usual to spend with you. Unfortunately with January looming, the business is only going to get crazier and right now I can't extricate myself from that, if I want any part of (his company) *or* myself to succeed in the new year.

With all of that said, I don't think I can continue this. I still care about you and want to see you happy, but with the way things are going, this is going to get much harder before it gets better."

This is how I found out I was no longer wanted. I wrote him back telling him I wanted to work things out. That I loved him. That if any of the 4 months meant anything he would try to contact me. He hasn't. He hasn't had the balls to be a man with integrity and to tell me to my face. He just cut me off without warning.

"I guess as they say "our most difficult times bring out our true colours" and it seems like my true colours are that underneath my soft, chocolatey coating is a thick layer of nougat-y flavoured asshole. You deserve someone much better than me, someone who will not only care about you, but who can see you more often than once a week, and who can show you a stable life ahead rather than a broken life past."

So New Year's Eve was spent with a broken heart and the purging of my closet to help ease the pain :) But it was a good New Year's eve, in that I've learned a valuable lesson about love, never give your heart away to frogs if they're not ready to be princes.

I guess he was right though, in the long run it would have been worst for me and he would have been more verbally abusive and his negative Nancy attitude would have turned me into a depress person after I've worked so hard to turn myself around. He's not a bad guy though, he's just really an asshole at times when he is understress and I'm glad he feels that I deserve better because I know I do. I still cared for him despite his short comings, but he hurt me so bad that for a short while I didn't want to live. I felt used by him. But what can I do except be an artist and maybe write a play or a movie script about this guy later down the road lol maybe, or at least what my playwriting teacher encourages us to use life as a source of creativity. After all life's experiences are the best sources for a playwright and he's given me the best material. If I ever come in contact with him again, I will wish him well because although he took a lot away from me, he's given me the best lesson and gift this year of 2008 which is learn to forgive and move on despite what others do to you. :D I just hope that the next girl he meets, he doesn't break her heart as badly as he did mine and that she doesn't give away her heart so foolishly as I did mine.

To 2009, may the lessons of 2008 stay with me and make me into a stronger woman that I am.

I am falling in love and I'm scared to death

2008-09-15T15:11:00.000-07:00

I hate the fact that I'm falling for this guy, who is my boyfriend, who I've only known for two weeks, but we're crazy about each other and I'm scared!! I just hate the fact that I can't stop thinking about him even when I am not with him and it's effecting my life. I, who has and is known to be the biggest nerd on this planet, is so devastatingly falling for a guy she barely knows and has put aside her educational pursuits.

Not only that but logically my brain tells me that this guy shouldn't be the one. My heart tells me other wise. They are in conflict. How can two people be so a like yet so different? He doesn't share the same religion but yet he is so open. He makes me laugh at his pouty lips or when he does Rock band for his family, which by the way I met this week, he really enjoys who he is. Or when he Kareoke's it, he gives it his full heart. And I hate that. Not because I hate that but I'm really scared because after my ex, I never thought I could find someone that would make me smile and I don't want to lose him.

I've had several dreams about different moments spent with him. Oddly enough this was before we met. The rollerblading, the Kareoke, his mom's house...that leads me to know that I'm suppose to be with him. What scares me is the other dreams in which he dies. I don't want to lose him. What if you knew something about the future and you could possibly do something to prevent it. Would you? What if it meant that you had to give up someone you cared about just so that the chain of events would not take fourth?

He says he would never leave me. I feel that he must be telling the truth in the sense that he really cares about me and wants me to be a part of his life. I allowed him to touch me in ways no man has ever before. I care more about him everyday and it scares me because I am so afraid of falling and hitting the ground but maybe that's a risk I have to be willing to take right?

Maybe love is truely just a crazy arrow that some little blind man hits you with...but if it is what is the cure?

I'm Sorry God

2008-07-10T10:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I made my mistake, I'm so weak and I gave in.
I'm sorry Lord I betrayed you and Gumi BearAnd I hate myself because I could not control myself.
I'm a weak human.
How can you forgive me?
I knew it was wrong but I was lonely I wanted to see what I was missing.
I'm not that innoncent anymore.
I'm not daddy's little girl anymore.
I'm sorry God.
I'm sorry Gumi-Bear.
I'm sorry mum.

Is it still cheating if it's online?
Yes.
I took a vow but betrayed with my mind.
I'm still struggling because I really enjoyed it.
I didn't care about the guy.
It was for self satisfaction.
I didn't know what else to do with my thoughts. The dreams.
I'm weak.
I've sin.
I'm lost.
Sorry God. Sorry Mum. Sorry Gumi-bear.

Will you still love me Gumi-bear if you knew I betrayed you because I couldn't wait?
Physically I'm yours for now but my thoughts are unpure.
I don't know how to cope.
I don't know what to do.
I hate myself for the lack of self control I have.
I hate myself because I know what I did wrong.
I'm not clean.
I'm not pure.
God help me.
mae

When God speaks

2008-07-09T08:19:00.000-07:00

Today I started off writing a letter to remind myself of how much God loves me but then something wonderful happened. It was as if God was moving my pen to the words he wanted me to hear.

Lately, I've being struggling. I've been trying to cope with loneliness and being a Christian in a very non-Christian world. I've been surrounded by not that great of influencial people who find my prudish ways a game in which the object is to corrupt the good girl. And part of myself struggled because I wanted to fit in and not be the outsider and to see if the grass is really green outside the fence of God's kingdom. I'm like Eve, tempted by the snake to take a bite of the big juicy red apple. I'm already an outsider with my race, and profession so I just wanted to fit in.

Some how God loves me to much to let me go. Or maybe I love God to much to repeat the sins of my forefathers and take the apple. Or it could be that in His strength, I can over come temptation and win this battle.

Whatever the case it's extremely hard but God is testing me in the fire so that I can come out as pure as gold.

As for my loneliness, God says, do not give up little one. I have a plan for you, a plan not to harm you a plan that will bless you.

HIS WILL BE DONE

Mae

May 2, 2008 Poetry of Sadness

2008-06-08T21:23:00.001-07:00

I know that it will never work,the thing between you and I.And yet the fate has done it's worst.My heart continues to desire this thirst.I can't help myself, the more I know of you,But I also know in my heart that it can never be.Since our worlds are far apart.A path not meant for you or me.And so I struggle with this silly path I'm on.But every step I end up taking, The tremble of my heart is shaking,When you finally steal it and now I'm gone.So why is fate a cruel desire.For love should be inspired.Yet here I am knowing this,I'm on the road to misery bliss.I try to pull myself away.But thoughts of you caress my days.And here I know I'm stepping stones.I'm falling hard to the unknown.How cruel is love when cupid's arrows hit.How utterly ugly is love tales.When wit and logic fails.Help me, I'm drowing, and I don't want to die.These feelings I feel will only bring me to cry.Cruel fate, cruel faith, God must be mad.Broken heart filled sorrows, a love gone bad.So how does one stop from falling to deep.To take up the poison of Juliet's sleep.

Past Present and Future June 2, 2008

2008-06-08T21:22:00.002-07:00

The other day I was thinking. Thinking about grade one and the boy I hit on the head with the rock. I heard from my aunt a few weeks ago that his father passed away. His mother died a few years ago as well. It's strange. The fact that I still remember this kid who I picked up a rock and gave his head a nice bump. I was sent to the principle's office for hitting him on the head. That was in grade one. We were playing a game in which the boys verses the girls and he caught one of my friends. His name was Charlie Stevens.Grade one seems like a long time ago. A lot has changed. Yet I still remember people who pass through my life. I wonder if they ever remember me or if I too am just a blurred image, a memory in their lives of a past.The funny thing today was I was thinking about how I will one day leave the past behind. I keep returning to it. Past friends, past loves, past memories. They're what I know...yet it some how is holding me back from now. Then there is the opposite side, the future of when I leave for Vancouver, or who I will meet, or this and that...yet that too is holding me from living now.Sometimes I keep forgetting to live here. Live in the now. I forget that life can one day whip out something that startles you. Sort of like the song, wear sunscreen. The funny thing about life is that circumstances, no matter how much you think you're incontrol of your life, you're not really. You can't tell who you're going to fall in love or out of love with, who will be your friend today because they might be gone tomorrow or end up not wanting to know you. You cant' even tell if the house you're living in will be there the next day. Nothing it seems is certain in a world of uncertainty at least on this earth. I mean when I come to think about it, we have as much control over our circumstance as the ants. What we do have control of is the decisions we make when the pitcher throws the ball. Are we going to hit the ball and run or strike out.

June 7th, 2008

2008-06-08T21:22:00.001-07:00

Okay so my real age is not matching up with my psycolanlysis age which is about 5 years behind or more that what I should be :P But seriously I learnt a valuable lesson yesterday and that is that I'm never drinking again. I should take a vow like my mom did not to drink. Okay there it is offically on facebook. Mae vows never to drink again! The reason for this is that now that I've offical found out that having a small body size and no food and being tired and being a high strung person already having acohol in the body is not the best decision I've made. I've done it. Regret what I've done since I should have being more mature and know that food and body and my body mixing with any foreign chemicals leads to well me = idoit in front of people that I should never be an idiot around...not that they don't know that but waking up this morning and still feeling like crap and actually paying the price of my body trying to eliminate the toxins from it can really teach a girl something. Plus all the weird dreams of flying objects and stuff and not sure what happened yesterday or what was part of my dream in my slumber or what was real to a clear extent that I've realise it's not all that what it's cracked up to be. I'll stick with sprit thank you.So besides that, I've done some thinking this morning or partial since I went back to bed after my body threw out some posion. I've thought about it and I think it's time I stopped acting like a spoiled princess and just get over myself. I need to stand up for myself and leave behind this injured bird of the past. I mean it's taken me a long time toI finally come to terms and open up to the close people of events that I felt ashamed about and that I've blocked out of my memory because I thought it was my fault, but you it wasn't and I've been beating myself up as if it were.I'm trying my best to move forward. I'm trying to learn to become a mature adult and I'm hoping that when I'm done school that I can move to Vancouver to really gain my independence because I need to. I need to, for once do something for me, so that I can really be the butterfly I was meant to be.

Thinking and thinking and thinking and oh did I mention thinking?

2008-06-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

So it's strange. My birthday is not until Friday and two people already wished me happy birthday, not that I'm complaining since usually 1. It rains on my birthday, 2. My family usually forgets and calls me via several days after the year of my birth has passed.
But I'm not even worried.
What does make me terrified is that here I am just days away from turning another year and I'm asking myself...so what's the point. I think with the news lately I should just turn my t.v. off because the world doesn't make sense and neither does the half hearted relationships with guys make any sense. Nothing makes sense to me. And a problem I've had to deal with lately is spending on my credit card because shopping therapy is probably the only thing that makes sense but in the long run will hurt me.
So what is troubling me? I don't know. Maybe after reading Marty Chan's play last night about Maggie's last dance has really gotten me to fear my highschool reunion which is only like in 2 more years...I fear I'm getting old and I just haven't done enough in life.
It's going to sound weird but I keep having dreams of my death at 30. So far a lot and when I mean a lot, I mean more than a lifetime of dreams or visions have come true...so what if this one does? That means I have only 4 years to make my life worth anything. Four years!! And two of them or at least another 1 year and a half will be spent finishing a degree where the education is great but being a minority sucks sometimes when you don't feel that you belong because your culture is not the same as others, so socially awkward as usual. Then there is the issue of me wanting so much to be in Vancouver. Just so I can try to find me in a city that is known as Hongcouver.
My deadline has passed. My perfect age of enlightenment is soon to be gone and what I thougt I'd be is nothing but a changing device just like my research in which nothing is defined in a well confined box of understanding.
So to say...I've been thinking. I feel like a bird in a cage but I'm not sure if I want out, or how I got there or if I will continue to sing because even birds in cages sing yet what if I don't know the right tune or if for some stupid reason I realise I'm not a bird but a very creative insane person who over thinks things and just really has a lot of Strum and Strang going on ?
Okay done thinking because I think that I need to stop thinking and start living. End of communication.

It's been a while...

2008-05-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

So I haven't touched my blog in what seems to be a lifetime. Too much facebook I suppose. Life has been a little complicated at the moment or maybe I'm making it complicated. Whatever the case may be, it's getting to be the norm.

As for my educational goals, I have less than 2 years to finish my degree. Then I can look forward to either travel or figuring out what the next step is. I might even have a chance to get an agent.

This month had me seeing a lot of changes. I've discovered that yes indeed I'm not asexual like most people believe and that I do have feelings for guys but at the moment, I need to focus rather on school and getting that goal done than anything else.

I'm also thinking of taking up dance and singing once again. It's been a while since I did that. I'm currently training for a run that will take place on June 8th so my friend has been whipping or gently pushing me to run farther and keep going at it. Frankly, I've been a bit lazy.

I've also join a cardio spice class and hopefully it will help me boast my confidence a little. I've been lacking in that area for sometime and I need to start believing in myself if I want to get out of the current situation I find myself in.

Online shopping has been a great help in getting me away from malls. I hate malls, and online shopping is going to save me from going bathing suit shopping. I have to find one for the summer which is making me really concerned. I guess part of that reason is because my guy friend continues to insult my looks and appearance. He treats me as one of the guys and that's cool with me but comments like this:

Friend: So do you have to do any shopping today.
Me: Yes, but I can't do it around you guys.
Friend: Why, we're all friends.
Me: Yeah, but it's bathing suit shopping.
Friend: Why do you need to worry? You've got nothing.

Thanks.

Seriously, this has not being the only time this friend of mine has commented on my body like that. The other time he made fun of my makeup. It was funny since most of the other guys at the club didn't seem to mind.

His idea of beauty is blondes with big tits and asses. I'm glad I'm not his type because he also annoys me with these rude comments. My other guy friend agrees with me.

Sometimes I take great issue with my body. It's not curvey like most girls, but then again I'm still very thin. I haven't reached 115lbs yet and I'm only 5' 3". So I don't mind what I got, although it's not what you would call a lot. But when other people say, oh you look like a boy just because they are fatter than me, really pisses me off. It's sad when people look at the body and judge it like it's some sort of object.

Glad that the guys who are interested in me aren't interested because of my rack. They can see my brain, personality and heart.

Although some days I think about getting plastic surgery.

What if what you wanted to do now is not what you want to do?

2008-02-21T12:59:00.001-08:00

Okay, maybe I just need to go away for a while and hide in a cabin with no access to people. It's just that this weekof just trying to do homework has made me think that maybe, just maybe I don't want to do this degree anymore.
That maybe I don't really know what I want to do anymore...and that is bad. Very bad. Life doesn't stop because you don't have a clue how to live it. For once, Mae is stuck. No path, no guidance. Stuck!! Since I already spent so much time, and money doing this it's hard to leave especially since I'm not getting younger and time and life doesn't wait till you're ready.
Except what if you thought what you wanted to do may not be what you really want to do and what you really want to do is still out there. My heart is no longer singing, just doing. I feel stuck in a rut! I no longer get excited to go to school to act, to go to school to learn about theatre, to go to school. I am not even excited to go to school to do this stupid puppet thing. I hate puppets and I always will. I am no longer scared of them, I've grown to hate them. In fact if I could be violent I would beat the crap out of my poor little puppet with a baseball bat and kick it high in the air, light it on fire and then dance on the ashes, more or less speaking.
I can't even write these days. I have to get my play done and I just don't care to write. I just don't want to be in school...but then what else am I suppose to do. I don't want to become a lawyer or a teacher or anything that my dad is trying to sell me into. I don't want to be a owner of a stupid icecream shop. I don't want to be suck in an office. What are my options? Maybe that's why people take mind altering drugs to escape for a while. I don't even think escaping for a while would help because I would have to escape forever to really enjoy it.
I want to feel alive again. That I want that feeling I had on tour where I woke up almost every day thinking "I can't believe this is my life. I love it." I want to wake up with that feeling that I love what I'm doing because it makes me crave it more than anything else. I think I will die if I don't find that. I don't want to just earn money so that I can live because what's the point of living if its just to wake up to a mundane life with a mundane job, with everything is as it is. I want adventure in the world, but it seems lately that my life has become mundane, ordinary. Boring!
How do I get out of this? I read every freaking book on the market that talks about how to live the life you were made to, both Christian and non Christian. I'm stuck. I'm stuck

New Year more confusion

2008-01-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

Lately I can't seem to make up my mind on a lot of things. Well for starters, I am debating the merit to my degree...I mean is this really what I want to do with my life? Looking back into the box of things I've collected I know it must be a big part of me. In high school I've always wanted to act, and maybe this is part of walking the desert like in the book the Alchemist? However, I'm contemplating on the idea that "What if I finish and it falls short like my photojournalism" then what?
It seems a lot is up in the air. Even with dating, I mean this whole thing. I met a lot of nice guys but that's just it, I'm not 100% sure what is my problem. The guys are great, funny, and I could see myself settling down but a part of me screams it's a trap. They just don't seem to be the one and I think the problem is either I have too high expectations for the guy or the fact that I'm scared to be trapped in a commitment, give up my dreams and just settled.

I don't want to cheat myself from something...but what is that something? I don't really have a clue.

Also along with dating and feelings, there is this guy friend. Who is one of my best friends and I'm not sure if I have feelings for him. I just really can't explain it. I'm so confused. I wish I knew the answers to what I'm feeling. :(
Mae

Thinks the world is crazy.

2007-11-01T16:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is. Something in the water or something. Lately I've just noticed more and more people are crazy. My guess is the water at UofC basement of Cragie Hall has something to do with the chemicals released in the air and that this dynamic has taken the whole university by surprise. Just the feeling I get when I walk on campus.
I also think that the University has a dumb ass way of letting people know that a seminar is cancelled. How dumb ass? Well how about not letting the person know that it's cancelled. Let the person be surrounded by science people only realising what the heck and then going to the library to look up if she was in the Bleeping twilight zone and realise nope, it was only the stupid university once again. Like seriously, I wasted two hours which I could have been drinking or doing something else unproductive with my brain and it's cells. It makes me so mad that I'm almost attempted to switch out of the Faculty and go to more populated one like I don't know Science? Maybe it was an omen that I should quit this freaking insanity and become a science major or business major. At least this way life would make sense, I would be surrounded by asians who make sense, and I will have a good paying job at the end of all this defining of self.....Just ranting.

OH yeah and I wouldn't have a dumb ass scene partner who decides that she can't fucking make it to any bloody rehearsal and it's not only her mark that will be effected by mine as well. I wish she would just drop the class. She really just pisses me off. A lot.

Sorry I guess I'm pissed at her. Among other things.

Pissed off Miss MAe

Because life's like that.

2007-08-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

So I am either super nervous about school and over thinking and trying to distract myself from all the events that summer has thrown on me or I just have some thing wrong with my hormones that I am only hitting the teenage years now lol. Angst. GRR shwoheihroesrehoehrioeheio beep!
Seriously though, school is only a few weeks away and I am sweating it. It's not that I can't handle education, but it's more of the social atmosphere. I don't really want to be around people. Sure there are my friends who I would love to see but seriously I just feel that this is to much to my dismay and built anxiety.
Maybe this is bull shit. Yup I said it. The idea of trying to make decisions is not my favourite thing unless it has to deal with ice cream on a hot summer day.
I guess it will be what it will be. Part of me right now just wants to let my good girl image to the trash. Except that isn't me. I being a gemini have the double lash of personality. While most people know me as this charming young lady, lately I've wanted to be a bad. I mean it. I want to be the bad girl who is wild like Angelina Jolie crazy bad. But I surpress this bad girl idea because it's not what people expect, it's not what I expect from myself but if the world had no consequences I would do what I dare to think.
However, this is the real world. If I lived in my fantasy world well life would be well lets just say you would be shocked at what I was thinking. Or maybe I would be shocked for letting the cat out of the bag. Funny thing is that this girl is supressing a lot of stuff. Or maybe I've just been introduced to a lot more of the world than I knew.

Humm I was tempted to post this on Facebook but I don't desire for people to read it. Or at least the people I know lol.

I guess some of the things that has been going on my mind is what I feel about the way I see certain guys in relationship to me. I 've been doing a lot of online dating but I still haven't found anyone that had the same connection as my ex.

Strangly enough, I hope to be over him. But I am not. He's moved on but I have not. I need to find out if it's possible for me to find that again. I know it will never be the same but I want to find that again.

When I find the right one, I don't want to lose him this time. I want it to be forever or until one of us dies.
I want to be the queen in his life and the naughty slave, but only if I know it's forever. You see it's not just that I am can't be a certain way. But I want to be it for him. Except who is he? Where do I find him?

Mae

A Beautiful day

2007-05-30T12:58:00.001-07:00

I love the weather. I think if the weather sucked I would feel terrible. I am a mood changer based on the weather sometimes. Life is beautiful and I am rocking it.
Some times you just feel that the heart sings just because there is so much to be happy for. Where is my happy dance? I don't need chocolate just sun shine and I can sing and soar like a bird.

"It's been all over you. It's a beautiful day...."
Don't let it get away.
La la Instrumental haha.
See China right in front of you....see the tuna fleet...

Anyway back to reality. Just a few things for my project for art and then time to enjoy the beautiful day.
Sometimes I just put the music so loud so that it just resonates into my soul. Life is like that too. Happy memories just resonate into the soul. You just want to soak it up. I don't know how many years I have left on this planet. I have to get something checked but I am afraid of the doctors, more so of what news they sometimes brings. I don't want to get sick because sometimes it's the medicine that makes you ill not the diesease itself. If whatever it turns out to be, and worst case situation thing pops up, I want people to remember me as who I am.

I think last year people never got the chance to see me for who I was. I was struggling with a lot of stuff last year. A lot of pain and I was dead on the outside. Not really living but merely existing. But some how this spring I came a life again. I found that part that died. The anger died as well. I just have to build the courage to go to the doctors. You know when you should go see the doctor but you are afraid because it might be what you fear?
Anyway don't ask about it. I won't tell. I just want to live without pain and just remember being happy and live in the moment until I am gone.

Miss Mae

Life is a lot better

2007-04-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought, that time does heal the heart. Slowly but surely, I know that my heart will go on. It's been over a month now, and though there are days when I feel sad, I am not dead yet.

With so much to do, life seems to go on. I finished writing my script. It's one of the many ones that I wanted to get done. I have been on Facebook way to many times as well in the past month, trying to reconnect with old friends. Some how though the amount of people I know on facebook seems like a shallow representation of the friends I have since they are just numbers and not really longed for friendship.

Sorta like the drama department. Shallow at times, I mean you know who they are or at least sometimes because you pass them in the hall and say a few kind words but you don't really have that connection. It's sad in a world of over 6 Billion people why does it still feel like a planet of one?

My trip to Portland was great. I had time to relax and really make decisions for myself. It was scary at first to go down there and expect nothing but then some how I build my fear of life up way to much.

Did you ever stop living because fear prevented you. I am not sure why that is. I remember when I was young, I was fearless. You couldn't tell me that I couldn't do anything, I did it anyway. I wasn't afraid to be myself, I wasn't afraid of what others thought of me or if I were to fail. Fear was taught to me and I became fearful. I lived a good chunk of my adult life so far, living in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of something or other. But I keep telling myself that living like this is prohibiting the person inside of me. The butterfly struggling to escape the cocoon.

When we face our fears that's half the battle. Going uphill is a struggle but when you reach the peak of the mountain do you regrets the height you reached? I see myself, although I am not there yet, I will someday be this amazing fearless woman, full of grace and confident and I will take this world on by storm. Those who have put me down or belittled me will then be reminded because I will have made it to the top. It's interesting to note at all the famous people or people who have made a mark for their name. They all had adversity thrown at them and people who wanted to stop them from becoming. Later on in life when they have achieved success these same people try to butter up to the ones they stifled. It's funny, ironic and sad. It's funny because no one thought the rubber ant could. It's ironic because the twist of fate has changed the course of life and it's sad because with out our adversity in the form of those bullies we wouldn't push ourselves to reach the top.

Miss Mae

:(

2007-03-10T21:02:00.000-08:00

Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.

"Introduction To A Broken Heart" Have you ever tried to make a brand new start?
It's introduction to a broken heart
Forever and a day
Is all I ever wanted, babyTo figure out a way
To finish what I started
Especially the thing that happened when I started with you
You taught me to fly and you taught me to fall
But after all
You'll be teaching me the hardest lesson of all
Introduction to loving and leavingBegging and pleadingAnything to get you to stayJust when you found foreverStart to feel better'Cause everything is going your wayAll at once your world falls apartYou learn the artIntroduction to a broken heartI've been through it beforeThere's never any consolationNow and thenSomeone you adoreTurns happiness to desperationBlink and when you open your eyesIt's all fallen apartYou told me to climb and to never look downBut somehowYou never told me 'bout the part where I crash to the groundIntroduction to loving and leavingBegging and pleadingAnything to get you to stayJust when you found foreverStart to feel better'Cause everything is going your wayAll at once your world falls apartYou learn the artIntroduction to a broken heartTake my picture off of your wallDrop my jacket off in the hallDon't try to call me I will not answerBest plans of women and menCasually crumble and fallha ha ha haAnd all at once your world falls apartYou learn the artIntroduction to a broken heartBa ba ba baIntroduction to a broken heartBa ba ba baIntroduction to a broken heart

Scream

2007-03-10T09:46:00.000-08:00

I feel that my head hurts, I just want to scream. I need to just get a way for a while. Just to clear my head. I need that time.
Yeah I do.

Struggling with Burn out!

2007-03-06T09:57:00.000-08:00

I can't do this on my own. Struggling with this week because there is so much to do and so little time. I've lost my heart song and I can't remember when I really got to make my own life decision. Who am I? Am I wallowing in my own tragedy that is my life. I can't stop thinking like this, I need to get myself out of this pit in which I put myself in.

I need to scream...I can't scream though I want to. I am stressed. I am depressed and I want out...I want to escape just a moment to hear my voice. I need to remove myself from the people around me. I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown any time soon. I just don't know when! I am a ticking time bomb. Waiting to explode. Just waiting...

Confused and I want to die.

2007-03-05T17:37:00.000-08:00

Why are so many things in the grey area of life and not simple as black and white? I wonder that. I am force to come to terms with my reality. I am really fickle or confused when it comes to what I want out of life. I am not talking about career wise because I understand that one. I am talking about the social part. I am socially inapt. Socially confused, I feel that I am in a ocean I am sinking. There is no one to make sense of this frustration, and confusion of what I am dealing with. Trying to understand religion and where God plans which doesn't make sense has to do with what's happening.

I wish I could understand my own emotions. I wish I could just make sense of everything. Sometimes I wish that I could end my life soon. I just want to kill myself. I don't want to live anymore. I thought I wasn't suppose to be sucidal anymore.

Well I am signing off

Starting over

2007-02-08T14:49:00.000-08:00

I guess I would describe this week so far as a negative one. I mean I feel that I have become so negative toward myself and I've forgotten how to see the glass half full and rather than half empty.

Something has been missing in my life and I can't pin point it except that I have become this rather negative person I don't want to be. Or maybe the whole thing is that I have been faking it a lot of the time.

I need to find my inner voice and strenght again.

Mae

Good bye good Friend

2007-01-30T09:30:00.000-08:00

I am not sure what to say. I cried a lot yesterday at hearing the news of a dear friend passing. Why do we cry when we know that they are in a better place free from suffering? I can never undertand that. It's just one of those things that happen but it eats a whole into your soul and you just want to let it all out.

I can't express myself when others ask how I feel. I don't know what to feel, except grief because how does one deal with someone's death. It's not every day that someone you care about dies right?

My heart has an open gap,
I know that I shall not cry
because your life was beautiful,
Your memories filled the sky.

Even in these tender moments I know that you are near,
Celebrating with the maker as you do not fear.
Freed from desolation by this rat race.
Knowing now that God calls you home to find your resting place.

HE holds you in his arms and wraps you tight,
HE knew that life was hard but that you were willing to fight.
The time has come to finally find that peace.
Welcoming you home once again to that ever lasting sleep.

I will remember you my dear friend till I see you in Heaven.

Life at School

2007-01-25T11:11:00.000-08:00

I went to school today and I was suppose to do my homework but since my lack of desire has prevented me do any kind of serious work as well as the fact that there is so much destraction...homework you can say is taking a back seat.

On other news, I had a major relization that I hate some guys. Now my amosity is not so much that I felt anger. What the heck I wanted to pound some face but then I realised that I have to play nice to some of these people. I guess some personalities just don't mix with my blood. On the good news I get to meet my buddy next week. The world is good.

Mae

Feeling left out and far in the field

2007-01-14T16:57:00.000-08:00

So I am not sure how to respond to today. I kept feeling like I am so isolated in the department. It's like I don't fit in. I feel like I am looking into a new world but I can't enter. I don't mind being me but it's hard when everyone else treats you like you are different breed of pedigree. You sometimes wonder what is wrong with you.

I won't cry over this. Too many times people have tried to make me like them and I won't allow it. I know who I am and I love who I am. I don't need someone to tell me who to be. Who cares if I don't know about a lot of the sexual intends, does knowing it make my life better? Why should I worry about a sex life? When I am ready for that my husband and I can learn together. If you learn everything now, what’s left to explore?

Anyway I might switch to another school. God this one's up to you.

Mae

If I'm suppose to be a fruit how come I am with the vegetables?

2007-01-12T16:58:00.000-08:00

The poor tomato had it coming for him. Yes he was with vegetables and vegetables don't really like you if you are a fruit in the veggie patch. That's like me, I feel that some where on the line between wanting to live this dream, I've ended up in the wrong place and now I've become this genuinely awkward tomato trying to convince the other vegetables that I am one of them while they all know I will always be the fruit in the garden of the department.

So I will say again...poor tomato. It's not that I don't mind standing out in the crowd. I mean when you are an Asian in a non Asian world you kind of stick out. Especially if you really enjoy the taste of tofu. I have begun to realize that my Asian shelter mixed with my faith doesn't always equal the best in the eyes of the more "experienced in other things" students. They actually make you feel like you've been out cast, voted off the Island because your ways are not the same as theirs.

In some cases I have to get use to the fact that I will always stand out regardless of the situation. You have to expect that. Growing up I've always been eccentric and everyone since grade one has had their laugh at my expense. Some days I want to cry because of their non acceptance of me. Then I think hey, they are pretty boring people to have to look at a tomato because they're lives have nothing interesting in them. That's where I get them. You never here a lot of people talking about boring people. Why would they? Boring people are well boring to talk about. You only hear about the people that holds the audience captivating. In that sense, I haven't earned them talking about me because of some outrageous stun...ahem Britney; I get people talking because I am still fresh and new. In a world that has been exposed to all the underground situations, I have managed to squealed through the dark world and not been exposed like photographic paper is to light. This is what makes me fascinating. At my age, I am still discovering life and that's what keeps me interesting. I see new angles, new opportunities and I don't see the world the same way as every body else.

If that gets people talking about me, fine I don't care let them talk all they want. We know that the great oaks of tomorrow start with the nuts of today.

Still trying to figure it out

2007-01-11T15:13:00.000-08:00

Major, Minor, inbetween. I don't know. I can't decide. I love learning and it's killing me. I mean it's ironic because what I wanted to do with my life just keeps getting complicated. One would think that I have it figured out. I love drama but I also love all other arts as well. I wish I could be musically talented and posses the skills of a dance and the tecnique of an artist. I want to do it all. Problem is that there is only one of me. I feel lost because there is so much I want to do in life but not enough time to do it. I feel scattered brain.

I wish I wish upon a star to tell me what I am suppose to do.

Mae

Focus

2007-01-03T17:22:00.000-08:00

So today is the second day of rehearsal. I tried to keep my focus though a lot of the stuff was going over my head because I just don't get all that umm sexual induendo. It flys over my head like a bat out of the cave.

I think it's more embarrassing as well to try to say words in that content. I blush like a rose in bloom. Any way I got a letter back from my cousin through e-mail and she said my picture was pretty. I think that's funny because I don't think it's pretty, I mean I think I am average looking. Oh well. Here is the picture.

I trust you but not your friends

2006-12-31T13:03:00.000-08:00

Wow, my mom and sister really got upset that I didn't go to church this morning. It's not that I don't go to church but if I miss one service the world has fallen a part and I have become this drug dealing, pot smoking, prostitute...according to them. It drives me crazy because I don't do any of that. I have a clean record, I get A's in school, I studied this whole Christmas break and just because I went out yesterday and the day before and today my family is lecturing me. What do they expect me to do, stay home and not have any contact with the real world? When I am home all the time because I am studying, they say why don't you ever go out? So I can't win in either case.
:(

Other than that, it's a new year tomorrow. Wow, this is not how I pictured my life at all. Somehow though I guess we can't really expect to have life a certain way because life is suppose to happen. Every New Year's Eve I get depressed because yet another year has gone by and I feel I haven't done a lot with my life. The truth is that I have done a lot, but then why do I feel that I haven't? Is this the New Years Eve curse or maybe 10 more years from now I will look back and see the wisdom I have now is not the wisdom I have later.

People are changing, friends are changing, why can't I deal with the fact that circumstances are changes. I am changing. I can't tell who I am going to be, I can't determine that. I can determine some choices but really at the end all you become not because you decided but you become because you become. That is life. No philosophical explanation, just understanding that life and the happenings around life develop you as a person. I don't know who I will be 6 months from now. I don't even know how life will change me from a week from now. I do know that I know who I am today and that's a start.

Anyway Happy New Year. What will it bring? Only time will tell.

The life of Miss Mae

Wow almost another year

2006-12-30T17:31:00.000-08:00

So tonight I am going out with some friends. That should be interesting. I think I am mostly ready for next semester though I don't doubt it. I have a project still due which I can work on after rehersals. So I didn't get as much text reading done. I did though enjoy myself as I made my movie.

Today we had hot pot. It was pretty good. I don't mind hot pot. I love it. I am curious what next year will bring.

Not much. Tell you more when new years comes around.

Mae

2006-12-29T18:40:00.000-08:00

Just Me

2006-12-29T18:34:00.000-08:00

Just taking pictures for my head shot today. I find that if I take my own pictures I am not as tense. The only problem is that I don't know what I look like from the other end of the camera. I am lucky to have a digital camera.

The life of Miss Mae

Wondering

2006-12-22T12:27:00.000-08:00

Here I am. It's December 22, 2006. I am glad I have survived the first year of my BFA now just 2 1/2 more years...sorta. What if this isn't where I am suppose to be? I always wonder if this is the path that I am suppose to be. I mean I always wanted to act but now that I am in a scholarly program is this really what I want to do. So many things that aren't clear. It's almost as if I am walking through the fog. I can only see as far as my nose can see. Nothing about the future is clear except once in a while I get some kind of vision of pieces of my life and then they happen. I don't want to see just pieces, I want to know that the next stone that I step on is a solid one and that I won't fall.

Canadian Idol auditions is coming up in Feb. I am tempted to audition but I am so scared at the same time. I am scared of what may or may not come of it. It's just like this program. What happens after. I am dont' like living in fear but that means I have to trust the unknown.

It sounds crazy

2006-12-13T16:02:00.000-08:00

Why am I still thinking about this guy. I know that our paths will not cross again and he is the kind of guy that if I had pursued him, I know that my heart would only end up breaking. So why do I feel light headed dizziness with this guy? What is so special about him? He doesn't even know that I am alive, or cares that I am. Okay, so what about that?

Mae

Why do I feel this way?

2006-12-10T11:51:00.000-08:00

"Wild Horses"

Hmmm woah yea...

I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out... hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures i'm thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing too
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
Ohh yeaaa yea

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared
Hoohhh woah woah

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing too
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
Ohh yeaaa yea

I wanna run too.
Hohhh woah oh woah oh

Breaklessly abandoning my self before you

I wanna open up my heart tell him how I feel

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing too
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses! [X2]
Hooaah woah ohh woah
Yeeaaaah

I wanna run with the wild horses

So yesterday was the last day of running crew. I am happy that there will be no more long late nights but I am kinda sad in the same sense. I don't know what has gotten into me lately. I don't... I keep telling myself I don't want to get hurt again by letting my heart fall for another guy who might end up breaking my heart.

Actually no that's not true, I know that it won't work. Well what's wrong with me? I mean I usually can deattach myself from the heart but what if you had a dream and the name and the person seems so familiar...? I guess that sounds weird. Yeah I have this weird gift or curse about dreaming about the future and then it happens. I can't understand it really. So what if on a subconsious level, the guy you met during a show you know some how your paths will cross in the future but you are afraid that this guy might be the guy in your dreams who you fall in love with and he ends up dying? Do you prevent the future from happening? Do you ignore you heart...why oh why do I feel this way.

It's funny cause from the first time I met him at the Fine Arts greet and meet I had a feeling it wouldn't be the last time. Then I had to interview him and then we worked on a show together. Except I didn't know his name but then I knew his name. I am so messed up. I wanted to talk to him so badly but I was so fearful. I am not sure what I was scared of. My friend made me hug him yesterday, I have a space issue with people coming physically close to me. SO it was a strech. I guess though it hurt me to hug him because I actually wanted to hug him but at the same time I knew if I hugged him, I would...well this is exactly what I tried to avoid. Falling for some one I don't know anything really about him. Except he teases me and that I can't explain why I am falling because logic is not making sense anymore.

The funny thing is I doubt he knows that I like him I guess? Or does he like me? I am not sure. I tried reading his body language, at least what they say when someone is interested...but I sometimes doubt people are interested in me. If guys are interested in me at first, it's only because I think they want to do things with my body and not me. So I don't know. I just don't know.

Miss Mae

Dear Life

2006-12-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged as much as I would have like. Am I still me? I mean I am becoming more aware of life outside the bubble but some days I wonder if the bubble is safer. What I mean is maybe life without risk is a better life, maybe. Like for example, love. Maybe after a few months I will finally get over what I thought what was love or maybe I was really in love and getting over it maybe I will let my heart risk it to love again. The heart you feel is something that you can't risk breaking. I try to block out love if love hurts then why would you let yourself be hurt...I don't know.

Anyway I miss my friends so much. Chan is in Hong Kong, Cortez is busy with Art school, I think Shari is gone to the Philipeans. I guess I just miss being with my peeps a lot these days. They just understand me.

I almost feel that I am in a way new environment and I fear that maybe I really don't belong no matter how much I try. Maybe Rachel was right and that I should not go into drama. A part of me says well if I don't do this then...well my heart will break. What other things should I do. I could go back to journalism but then what. Still ends up in a dead end position. I don't understand why I can't just love sciences like all my other friends. Why did I have to be a freak...I sometimes just wonder why I well I just wonder what God's plan for my life.

Miss Mae

Production week

2006-12-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

Sigh, do you ever get the feeling you are a the odd number in the game of bingo. Everyone from tour seems to be doing something great with their life. Here I am, back in school. Actually I've seen a lot of school lately. Probably 12 hours a day I would say. Since I am in a tech class I am doing running crew in which it requires me to stay at school till 11pm. Fall semester is done in a week. I miss my asian home boys and girls. I miss being asian since it's so hard to relate. I miss my friends who aren't in Canada.

Anyway life is interesting.
Miss Mae

My Seduction style??

2006-11-11T19:57:00.000-08:00

check out this page:
http://www.shortsinmotion.com/

No dating, no social life "Just study...it's your first year"

2006-10-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

Ah the wisdom or something like that. I am restricted to having no dates, social life etc. My parents are preventing me and the problem is that I am not allowed to stand on my two feet because I can't. I am already in debt because of school. Sigh. I don't really want to date. It's just sucks because of the restriction. If I could date there is no one I want to date because I am still letting my pathetic heart heal from losing the guy I thought that would be part of my future. Ah don't cry for me. I just have to keep busy. Some times I think God is cruel when it comes to my heart. Why have it if it keeps breaking.

I would like to not give up on love but I'm seriously giving up on it. I think I just want to get so busy with school that I don't have time to love. Love is well over rated right?

I am not even sure what my life will be like, if I really have time to have love sigh.

There is this guy. With a great smile. Don't know nothing about him. He always comes late to class. I think what I noticed about him was that he had this amazing smile. I felt like I wanted to get to know him. He reminds me a little about my ex-boyfriend. He's tall, and he's in the same faculty as me. He's a quiet guy or at least that's why I think of him. I can't stop thinking about him since I talked to him in the hall. I must have sound dumb.
Sigh I just got to forget him.

Ten things I hate about you

2006-10-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

Why is love so hard to get over?

10 things I hate about you poem

I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way youre always right,

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when youre not around,

and the fact that you didnt call.

But mostly I hate the way I dont hate you,

not even close

not even a little bit

not even at all.

Yellow

2006-10-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

Well here I am. Always here but then again not here enough. Presentation, well I am done. It's been a month before I had to finally let go. Trying the whole new begining thing. I've think I've come to the point where I know I can't or won't change. I will ever be known as the library kid. The one who decides upon living life in the shell.

Do you know what life is like sometimes? I always wondered if these insecurities would fall short of who've I been and stuff.

Can life be summed up in two words?

Thoughts on the Winter of Autumn

2006-09-29T11:06:00.000-07:00

Well grazing at my usual spot, the autumn leaves and the beauty of autumn surrounded me. I've been so busy lately to just soak up the the world's natural beauty because I have been to occupied with frugualist things that don't matter anymore. Not that it doesn't really matter but when it comes to the end of all things what is life composed of?

We move so fast in society. Climbing ladders, running here and there. All for what end means? People have forgotten how to think but ask the few in charge how they must compose the majority of their lives. We live from the tube box if you can really call that living. We don't seek out things, we have stopped discovering the human spirit and have like all things started producing and selling it as if it was another product you can buy off the shopping net work.

One of the books of wisdom I enjoy is from the Bible as it takes into consideration the deeper realities of the world we live in. Meaningless. Life is. By the time most of us decide how to really use our lives for the greater cause of things we have come to the near end of things and by then our life has become not more than a mere speck of wasted time.

I've come to educate myself, to seek a higher sense of value for my own life. I don't have the answers but I dare to seek out them.

Time is short though.

Why does the heart hurt so much

2006-09-12T15:35:00.000-07:00

It seems that I read his letter over and over in my mind. We are finally through and even though it's true my heart wants to keep fighting. I always tell myself that if I found something in life worth fighting for that I would fight till my very last breath uttered a word.

But what if the thing you found worth fighting for was better let go? I want him to fight for me. I wanted him to say back then that he didn't want me to go. I would have stayed. I wish he wanted to fight for me, to fight for us and yet as I wake up on this day, I know that sometimes if you love some one you don't fight because you know it's better to free them.

I am debating if I should have fought to keep him. He was worth the fight but I realise that I am not a fighter. Even when it comes to the things I know I want to save. I am a lover, and I must set free. It's part of free will. You love, you lose, you hope for the best. I keep trying to convince myself it's going to be okay. I keep saying that I will meet someone who is right for me...but I don't really want someone, I want him in my life. I want a future with him, for us. How would it work though, separted by different beliefs in faith. If I grew more and more in love would it tear me to see him moving farther away from whats most important in my life? Then I see my friends who have a relationship with a different faith yet they seem happy. Would it be selfish of me to have what is wrong even if the heart says it's right?

I go around campus and sometimes I feel that if time could pass in the past and future would I have walked and pass him on the same road? Would he have smiled at me? Knowing that someone else might one day enter his life breaks my heart. No wonder James Blunt says his song "Good Bye My Lover" is a bitter miserable song. Love is horrible when it ends, especially when you cry out to your lover who stopped loving you. So here I am, bearing my soul to the internet world. Maybe if you never loved before you would be free from love's sting. If you have ever lost a love, then you know what I am talking about.

Love is bitter, Miss Mae

untitled

2006-09-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow.
Yes I start school then. I feel helpless. I feel confused. I am still getting over the events of the previous years which was leading up to my own eviction of the soul from the body. I don't want to start but I do. I do want to cry for all that didn't become, for all that I wish and I want to celebrate the beauty that has been.

So heres to a great education. Finding something, being open minded.

Oh My God ~~Jars of Clay

2006-09-09T11:03:00.000-07:00

Oh My God
Oh my God, look around this place,
Your fingers reach around the bone,
you set the break and set the tone
For flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain all fools say, "Oh my God."

Oh my God, why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed,
There is no cure for our disease.
Turn a phrase and rise again,
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friends,
Oh My God.

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief.
Weddings, boats, and alibis,
All drift away, and a mother cries...

Liars and fools, sons and failures, theives will always say..
Lost and found, ailing wanderers, healers always say..
Whores and angels, men with problems, leavers always say..
Broken hearted, separated, orphans always say..
War creators, racial haters, preachers always say..
Distant fathers, fallen warriors, givers always say..
Pilgrim saints, lonely widows, users always say..
Fearful mothers, watchful doubters, Saviors always say..

Sometimes I can not forgive
and these days mercy cuts so deep,
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep.
While I lay, I'd dream we're better, scales were gone and faces lighter,
When we wake we hate our brother, we still move to hurt each other,
Sometimes I can close my eyes and all the fear the keeps me silent,
Falls below my heavy breathing, what makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder, we all have the need for wonder.
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the plunder.

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven,
All the times I thought to reach up, all the times I had to give up.
Babies underneath their beds, in hospitals that cannot treat them.
All the wounds that money causes, all the comforts of cathedrals,
All the cries of thirsty children, this is our inheritance,
All the rage of watching mothers, this is our greatest offense
Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God.

This is beautiful melody with very powerful words. So many people use this phrase but how many of them understand it? We use it in desparation and we also use it to swear about our bitterness. How many of us believe? So many people use it. Different people, different believes on who God is?

Fairy Tales and broken hearts

2006-09-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

Maybe the truth in all this is that fairy tales are exactly that. They are not real. Maybe love is just another cruel joke played on the tin man who was truly looking to find love again. He was better off with out a heart that breaks after falling in love. I don't think I want to love anymore. I can't help but feel really just down right broken hearted and stupid again. Music is helping me though. It's starting the healing process. I wanted to tell him before he left that I can't be friends because I would fall deeper in love with him only to know my heart would end up breaking and I can't do that to myself. I can't love knowing that it would kill me. I wanted to say he made me smile. That I appreciated him. All of him. That when my sister saw him that day so broken I wanted to be the one who picked up the pieces but I knew I was the one that first broke it. The human heart is a cruel joke. Love is hard. Love is ironic. Damn cupid and his arrows.

Now I just have to really let go. It's been to long to be loving someone. But you know me. I fall hard and hard I fall. If love was a clift I am falling off Mt. Everst. Just falling and falling wanting to be caught. Wanting to be saved from this pain I just can't understand. This pain that is call love. This posion that destroys your heart. It hurts because I can't be with him. I know even if he wanted me that we couldn't be. Damn love hurts. It's a cruel joke. I hate loving and saying good bye. I shall never love again. I don't want to. Love Sucks!

Finding a piece of me

2006-09-04T20:23:00.000-07:00

"Surrender" ~Barlow Girl~

My hands hold safly to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

God now I finally am surrending the dream I had. I have given up the first guy I have ever loved fully unto your hands. It hurts to see him fallen from you. I know that you have to work in his heart. Please take care of him. Love him gently because it hurts not to be with him. It's hurts to give up the dreams I had. It hurts because of all the I wishes, the what ifs, but I know I have to surrender for your plans are better than my own. Your wisdom is greater than my understanding.

Single and loving it!!

2006-09-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

I just love how Natasha Bedingfield is such a positive singer about life and love. She and Pink are such great positive role models.

"Single"

Ah yeah that's right
All you single people out there
This is for you

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me whole

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't

[Chorus:]
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be

Ah yeah Uh Huh that's right

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

[Chorus]

Everything in it's right time everything in it's right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way it's my way
Eh I like it this way

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
'Til then I'm single

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

This is what it's about. Yesterday some friends at church where trying to say that I needed a guy to make me a whole person...yeah right!!! Given the fact they themselves were guys who didn't have a girl on their shoulder may have been the bitter factor in their lives. This is the next generation boys! A girl doesn't have to be your doll to define herself in the world today.

Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield

2006-08-30T13:43:00.000-07:00

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with eyes wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with eyes wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

So true

T.V. world does not exist

2006-08-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

You ever watched Sex in the City, or Friends or any show about a bunch of people living their t.v. land life and come to the conclusion that, their life could never happen in real life?

I mean who has time for relationships, shopping at high end stores, and all this free time when they just don't really seem to work. Real life has too many stresses for that sort of thing to happen. Especially the relationship parts. Now that most of my friends are leaving for the rest of their university life, I am stuck here trying to face going back to school with the end all result of making new friends. I haven't had to make a real new friendship in the longest time. All my best friends have grown up with me. They are all workaholics like me. They understand that sometimes life gets too busy to meet every other weekend but they know that I truly care deeply about them that if they ever really needed me there I would be there in a flash.

Even my friends on tour. I mean if it wasn't for the fact that we were bonded over the course of 3-4 months I wouldn't have been able to develop the relationships that would survive.

How does one go about making new friends when her life is like going on like the tea cup ride at Disney Land and it keeps spinning ever so fast that you don't have time to stop and breathe. I does one include a healthy social life when you are surrounded by committees and want to develop a balance healthy lifestyle in which you are contributing to saving the world by all your means?

I wonder if Super man was ever lonely. I don't think he had much of a social life trying to save the planet. I mean at the rate crimes are committed he would probably neglect his wife, golf buddies and family as well as his dear friends.

I can just picture it. Superman comes home from his regular work hours as a reporter and if that's not time consuming I am not sure what is. The guy is about to eat supper with his family when he gets a call. Sorry hun I have to run. Or what about poker night with the boys...I have to fold this one because I can't continue playing boys I have some criminals to catch.

How am I supposed to have a life when my life is busier than that on tour? I don't even have time to just sit and think my deep thoughts like I use to. It's either sleep or do the things that got side tracked. What about my relationships? I mean how is a guy supposed to get to know me when I am off flying here and there like a bee. I guess there is no such hope.

There was the one time when I was in Cambodia. Life seems quieter at times. I felt I had more hours to think. People were my priority and that's all. I miss that.

Oh the life of Mae